Sad about my child’s class

[newSchool1]

My DD just started reception and I’m really sad that she’s in a class with no friends. I know she will over time make friends but it’s really upsetting for myself too. From her nursery only 2 kids going to this school and all of them in the other reception class. All the parents seem to be closer to each and we’ve had a few events before starting school and as soon as the ones I was chatting to found out my child not in same class they moved onto someone else.

Today for example I was chatting to the lady I knew from before in nursery and another woman butted into our conversation and said to her “ you’re X’s mum? My dd was telling me they’re best friends now”. I was just standing there awkwardly so moved away, anyone I was getting along with had a child in the other class! The ones who do have a child in my class didn’t seem that bothered about meeting new people and didn’t really seem that keen to swap numbers etc. I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group! I feel so awkward doing pick ups and drop off

im going back to work soon so will not see anyone at pick up and drop offs.

@tianabiscuit

I can't remember a time I found an environment as cliquey and bitchy as the gaggle of parents in a primary school playground. Many of them seem more immature that the small people they are dropping off.

This is exactly the sort of paranoia which feeds the insecurity that the OP is feeling.

It’s complete cooked up fantasy. Parents of small children simply don’t have time to give headspace to creating “cliques” in the playground. People are busy, tired and preoccupied with their own lives.

This isn’t a productive way to approach life and some of you really need some professional help dealing with this. You are the adult: stop modelling this nonsense to your kids.

Yesss!! Thank you! I feel like the people who go on about cliques are the ones that need to stop being dramatic. Nobody cares, people are just living their lives!

Your DD can't have been in school more than a couple of days surely?! Give it time, and calm down.

Well, I agree entirely, but for the people who see 'cliques' everywhere, operated by Mean Girls fawning over Queen Bees or Alpha Mummies who apparently have enough power to torch whole empires or conquer the world, but are apparently just using it to make everyone in the playground ignore the mousy new girl (who would totally end up with a posse of vampires and werewolves in love with her in the film adaptation), we don't see cliques because we are the cliques.

I mean, I was a total pariah at pick-up for the four years DS was at one school in a Midlands village, and it was mildly miserable, if I'm honest -- I've never in my life struggled to make friends, and I've moved around a lot. But it wasn't anything concerted. My face just didn't fit, in the sense that I was just a very different type of person to the kind of people who lived locally, and coming in as a foreigner and a working mother to an evironment where virtually everyone else had gone to school together and all but one of the other mothers in DS's class were SAHPs. It was no one's 'fault'.

@TheWrenTheWren

Well, I agree entirely, but for the people who see 'cliques' everywhere, operated by Mean Girls fawning over Queen Bees or Alpha Mummies who apparently have enough power to torch whole empires or conquer the world, but are apparently just using it to make everyone in the playground ignore the mousy new girl (who would totally end up with a posse of vampires and werewolves in love with her in the film adaptation), we don't see cliques because we are the cliques.

I’m sorry I just think in nine cases out of ten that’s projection. That may happen in isolated cases such as the one you describe.

But usually in these cases when you unpick what’s actually occurring it’s incredibly trivial. Someone didn’t smile at someone else at pickup. Or (as in this case) someone wanted to introduce themselves into a conversation that was underway. These are not cardinal sins.

Then people who are socially anxious feeli aggrieved at people who are socially comfortable and attribute this “Queen Bee” status to them to make themselves feel better about not being confident. Essentially making it someone else’s fault.

There is no entitlement to make friends through the school network. It can and does happen but it’s not a given. If other people have existing friendships that’s their right. It’s shit if your face doesn’t fit but it’s no one’s job to be your instant friend and you have to grow up and deal with it. Make friends elsewhere. I think it’s pretty shocking that so many grown women seem to think school is a hunting ground for friendships anyway tbh.

The reason this matters is that so many mums are passing on this weird sense that they are “owed” friendships at school to their children and projecting their anxieties onto their kids when for whatever reason it doesn’t work. It’s really selfish.

Your kids are there to make friends, not you. If you make them too it’s a bonus but it’s not the primary purpose of school. Make your own friends in an adult environment and let your kids get on in theirs. And teach them the social resilience they need.

Hey, well done on getting through those first few days & I hope things improve for you soon. I am in a similar situation- my son has started into P1 in a new school where 22 of the 26 all came from the same nursery and he knows no-one. Neither my husband or I are from the town we live in either. He’s missed his first week off sick, thankfully better now but I’m dreading Monday 😅

I too have cpstd. I just wanted to say, you’re not alone in your way of thinking. I hope to use it as a strength- we’ll be all over it when they need us the most! And to make the extra effort to put myself out there for my kid even though it’s hard. Some of the advice above from the other posters is really helpful. Best of luck with it all!

I think you may have misunderstood me, @Thepeopleversuswork -- I agree entirely with what you and @totallyadhd are saying. What people view as 'cliques' is insecurity and some odd friendship scripts being projected onto other people's blameless busyness, preoccupation, or just talking to their friends.

@TheWrenTheWren

Sorry yes I had misunderstood! Makes sense now

I have an adopted child, I'm older, most think I'm grandmother. So obviously not young enough or trendy enough for the majority of the school gate mums.
Not included in conversations, or socials, it can be very lonely, but as long as my child is happy, it's fine. Has to be.

I think you're totally over-reacting, it must be week 1 or 2 of the school year for you? Most kids go into reception not knowing anyone, it's normal. Your daughter also likely still see's her friends from nursery during the day anyway, most classes at the very least share break times. I think you're putting your own social anxieties onto your daughter, just let her get on with it. Most kids are great at making friends, and even if she doesn't for a while, that's fine too. Some children enjoy their own company, or like to play with lots of different friends. Let her find her own way for a while.

When i first read this I won't lie I slightly rolled my eyes and thought this sounds more you feeling disappointed for yourself not making friends. You later go on to acknowledge you don't have any friends which, if true, really sucks and therefore makes it more reasonable as to why this was a big deal to you.

A friend of mine has joined an app called peanut which is for new mums to meet new mums. She has made a couple of now very good friends on there and is so happy with this. It may be worth exploring if a similar app exists for your circumstance. I hope you are able to meet some new friends OP but as a PP has said through school may not be the only option, you could join a club etc. Put yourself out there and be confident if you can

Oh jeez, grow up would you?!

Your child will make new friends and you will then get to know their parents. I know lots of my kids friends parents but I wouldn’t say I’m friends with them all. Just acquaintances.

Organise a play date with your child’s new friends and try talking to their parents.

Hi I fully understand I've just moved to a totally different area on the other side of the country with my baby and although i no its different I understand how over whelming and scary it can be when faced with other mums especially when you feel so alone

With kindness - I think you're over thinking this too much. Parents of other children in your child's class don't need to be your friends, and I don't think it's the best way to find friends either. A friendship may develop along the way, but your child starting school is about THEM and not your social opportunities. Let your little one get on with it. My girl has been a year at school now. She joined a class of 14 kids she didn't know, along with her cousin and a boy from her nursery. By the END of the first year, after a good 9 months in the class, she was consistently talking about a group of 7 girls who were close (her and her cousin included). They've started a new year and still seem to be. I'm very awkward/shy/anxious socially if I'm honest. I struggle to recognise people's faces which is an issue, and also struggle to join in to people's conversations. But I'm getting to know some of the parents. It's about the kids though and not about me finding buddies. Wanting to have friends is very valid though and I'd suggests having a look for groups in the area that you might be interested in, hobby wise. And trust that your little one will work things out, they all do 😊 to help a little we did arrange a whole class party for their oct&nov birthdays to help them get to know the other kids, and then during the summer just past we had the group of girls over for a pool party. But school has only just gone back, give things time to settle and develop

Aww it's hard when your child starts school and not many children from nursery or if starting senior from primary class are in same class. Fortunately for all mine nursery attached to school and only one reception class. but children make new friends quite quickly they can also fall out and change friends , someone mentioned joining pta if they have one, worth a try. Its still early days too, so don't worry. I'm guessing this is your first child starting school

Some people will know each other if their children have older brothers and sisters, so they've known each other a while, or live in the same street etc.

I think it is far better (from a child's point of view) to be friendly with lot of children than seeking to have a "best" friend. That way if there are any fallings out, they can just pick up with another friend.

As for yourself...I don't know...I got by without being "mates" with other parents. I gradually got to speaking terms with some and my kids went to the odd tea at someone's house, but I didn't go out of my way to form friendships as such.

I'd try not to overthink it so much. then it will probably just happen one day.

Hugs, it sounds like you're struggling a bit at the moment? Perhaps the situation with your child's class is just feeling so much worse than it really is due to your general state of mind? I've also really struggled feeling like everyone in my DD's class were excluding us and friendlier with each other, and I've learned that the best remedy to that feeling is threefold: firstly, set up play dates with other kids who are a bit on the outside and who are thus also in the market for new friends, secondly, invest in your own well-being (counselling, exercise, eating well, reading good book,s nature walks, home spas, whatever your thing is) and your own friendships, perhaps there is someone you haven't been in touch with for a long time you could reach out to? Or a neighbour or someone else you could strengthen bonds with? Thirdly, focus on the happiness and bonding within your own little family, do nice family outings or bake together or play with your kids, crafting, etc.., just make your own little home a happy home, happiness attracts happiness!
Lastly, remember, this too shall pass, and before you know i, your child will be graduating and you won't even remember the wobbles in reception! Good luck