Sad about my child’s class

[newSchool1]

My DD just started reception and I’m really sad that she’s in a class with no friends. I know she will over time make friends but it’s really upsetting for myself too. From her nursery only 2 kids going to this school and all of them in the other reception class. All the parents seem to be closer to each and we’ve had a few events before starting school and as soon as the ones I was chatting to found out my child not in same class they moved onto someone else.

Today for example I was chatting to the lady I knew from before in nursery and another woman butted into our conversation and said to her “ you’re X’s mum? My dd was telling me they’re best friends now”. I was just standing there awkwardly so moved away, anyone I was getting along with had a child in the other class! The ones who do have a child in my class didn’t seem that bothered about meeting new people and didn’t really seem that keen to swap numbers etc. I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group! I feel so awkward doing pick ups and drop off

im going back to work soon so will not see anyone at pick up and drop offs.

If there isn’t already a class WhatsApp or Facebook then be the one to create one.

my DD didn’t go to a local nursery so new absolutely nobody. Over the year she developed friendships including a ‘best friend’. The best friend’s mum added me on Facebook because we’d never met (no overlapping drop offs or pick ups) and arranged some play dates. We are now quite friendly and meet up regularly. What I’m saying is, let your daughter develop her own friendships and perhaps you’ll get to know those parents better.

Seriously? She has been in Reception mere days and you are already writing her off as the class billy no mates? She has years and years ahead of her to make friends! The whole notion of ‘besties’ age 4 is just ridiculous and peddled by over zealous cliquey mothers, not the kids!

I agree with the suggestion to join the PTA, don't use it as a focus to 'just make friends' but to support the school in fund raising, activities etc. you will meet like minded people and some may become friends, some will remain acquaintances but you will be busy and active. I've been in four different PTAs due to house moves... still friends with the group I met at the last one ... all our DC are now in their mid 20s .

Aww just read your update. It may take a while but you’ll meet people, don’t worry! ❤️

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this. You're right, making new friends as an adult is hard.
PTA is a good suggestion for meeting people as mentioned above.
Is there a book group where you live? That's a nice way of meeting new people.
Also, the parents of the children your DC was friendly with at nursery, is it worth inviting one of them over for a cup of tea/cake? There's no reason your children can't still be friends just because they're in different classes now.

Give it time, you'll both get there. I know the loneliness is horrible. It took me ages to make friends where I live now, but the two I've made are absolute belters. Well worth waiting for.

You really need to stay positive at least in front of your child. They pick up on anxiety really easily and will think it’s their fault. This is one of a million difficult situations your child will be in and going OTT is not going to help them.

I’m guessing you may have had problems finding friends as a child and you have kept that anxiety, which is why you’re over upset now. Please don’t let your child feel this, because they too will be condemned to a lifetime of anxiety and feeling they’re not good enough. You need to break this cycle. Maybe speak to your GP?

That woman was very rude. That's on her, not you.

You and your daughter will be fine xx

Sounds like you’re making it about you rather than her. Just take a step back and let things develop organically, no one wants to be friends with Desperate Donna!

I know how it feels, my eldest is in year 3 and I still find it so hard to make friends, although all of the parents are absolutely lovely and I do chat to them but I feel like a duck out of water 🙈 thankfully my eldest is nothing like me and has made loads of friends really easily! My youngest is a lot quieter but I'm sure she will make friends too - it's so much easier for children isn't it!

I do know how you feel though, I'm a socially awkward person and as much as I want to make friends I've just never known how and I was told by so many people I would make friends when my children start school - that hasn't happened because my social awkwardness hasn't gone away, which is a shame because a lot of the parents are really friendly and genuinely seem like fantastic people. I'm sure you'll find it easier in a few weeks once your all settled and your child is making new friends too.

It is early day. When my eldest started, there was only 4 children who had not been to the school nursery. We had comments about this and how some children did not get places, as if this was our fault.

By the end of 7 years, no one thought about who was in the nursery or not. My son had friends and I was happy to chat to various parents (I wouldn’t say they were friends!)

OP, I have a good idea of how you’re feeling. My child was in reception a few years back with no one she knew and it felt like the other children all knew each other from nursery. The first few days were a bit cliquey, but after the first week my child settled and quickly made tons of friends. To my absolute delight, she is popular and well-liked. I’m sure it’ll be the same for your child too.

None of my daughters nursery friends went to her school. She’s in year 1 and has a couple of “best” friends and wider friends in the class that she speaks very fondly of. Please don’t write it off yet, she has so much time to make friends. Maybe see if anyone lives near you who goes to her class?

PLEASE don’t worry, my oldest started primary on the back of the first covid lockdown. She knew no one at all in her class as the nursery group had all gone to other schools. She’d barely interacted with any kids who weren’t her brother for ages! We had no transition at all, just dropped her at a building she’d never been in (we’d peeked over the fence once and that was it!). Honestly it was all absolutely fine! She made loads of friends really quickly, and as soon as the class parties started the Mums got chatting. It honestly doesn’t matter and she’ll be fine, but I do remember how stressful it was!

True.
Also, maybe the mum who interrupted your conversation with the other mum you knew about their DDs now apparently being best friends is in the same situation as you, with as much anxiety, except she’s being more ‘active’ about it (not meant to be a criticism, didn’t know how to formulate it otherwise). Who knows maybe if you had stayed and been positive and enthusiastic and asked a couple of questions you could have ended up with two extra friends for your DD, if you see what I mean.

Maybe, or maybe just as worried as OP but not taking any chances (her wording suggests her DD may not have had a best friend before). Or has older kids who struggled and is more wary about the first few weeks being a good opportunity (of course there will be others later) and wants to be more self affirmative this time. Could be lots. Or she could turn out to be the queen bee and OP lost an opportunity to be besties with her (lighthearted).

But I agree with other posters, they’ve been there barely 5 seconds really

I was more a drop and run kind of mum so didn't really hang around to chat or try and make friends, one day after drop off at the bus stop I started chatting to a woman who had a girl in reception. After a week or so I was having a bit of a rant about doctors receptionists. The next day she casually mentioned work so I asked what she did. Yep you guessed it a doctors receptionists haha. She is a brilliant mate and I love her to bits our girls are now in year 11, don't force it op, I have a handful of good mates and she is one of them x

They do make friends eventually. We moved just before DS started reception so none of his nursery friends were at his school. However, by November he had made a small group of friends and we have regular playdates together (I've also become friends with the mums in the group so we hang out together).

Totally overinvested in this. My DS has always had friends at school, played with lots of children etc, but it wasn't until Y3 that they all started making firm 'best friends', ie with children with the same interests as them. After having 'nursery mum friends' I actually decided I didn't need school mum friends, and I'm glad as there's no saying your child will stay friends with those they play with in Reception. I am very friendly/chatty with the parents of the children in his year, and in fact he has was actually in a split year group last year, but my relationship with the older children's parents has had no impact on his social life.
He has sleepovers etc with his school friends now, but I have actually become freinds with a couple of parents whose children he doesn't actually play with. Just the way it is. Your child will be fine, they'll play with anyone and everyone at that age

Then move back in OP, ask the monologue one questions about her kid, nothing parents love more. She may have turned out to be an absolute nightmare, but what I mean is you won’t know unless you try that extra (annoying) step sometimes. It’s very early days, people who don’t know each other won’t really be looking out for any other than their own, I wouldn’t worry.

I’ve felt all of this @newSchool1 and I’m sending you a huge hug!

The friendships will come for your dd, and schools do lots to encourage them. Make Friday afternoon a play date day and let your dd pick someone to ask over. She can point out the relevant child at pick up and you can ask the other parent.

Picking up after a play date was how I got to know other parents. It’s just a couple of minutes but then it’s someone to talk to at the school gate. Don’t try and push it into a friendship too soon. After ten years at the school gate I’ve made two friends and about a hundred acquaintances. Not everyone has time for friendships, and you won’t connect deeply with everyone. Acquaintances are also great to have - probably more valuable than friends at the end of the day.

Some people are socially awkward and it’s important not to take it personally. Walking away is on her, not you. People often can’t manage two conversations, or notice other people if they’re talking themselves. Just smile and chat lightly to anyone who’s willing for now.

It was only when my second dc started school that I relaxed about the school gate dynamics. I knew a couple of mums from my older dc’s class so now we were that clique giving off that impression. I got more relaxed about starting up conversations, and less bothered by the mums who really don’t want to be friendly too.

So much of this is in our thoughts, and our thoughts aren’t always reliable. Give it time. And for now just imagine water running off a ducks back!

You will have more chances as the year progresses and you go to parties. I think it can be true that nursery friendships can hold strong but that doesn’t mean children don’t branch out. My child in y3 is still best buddies with her friends from nursery but that group has expanded. I do also think if you make the effort to go to drinks, pta events etc you’ll meet more of the parents.

The other reality is that with my youngest, I am much less bothered about getting to know all of the parents in the class. I am much more likely to invest time with the parents of the kids she ends of being friends with as those are the people I’ll end up seeing all the time at parties, play dates etc. I don’t have enough time in the day to make friends with 29 people who I may or may not like.

My DD was the only one in her class from her pre-school. Didn’t know a soul and had loads of friends within the first weeks.

As for parents, I found no one really spoke to each other until a few birthday parties happened. That’s when everyone had longer to chat (or were forced to into it!) It took a whole year for parents to mingle and chat freely I’d say.

@Godlovesall26 I'm not sure how any of that means she wasn't rude, though?

It was bad mannered on three counts: a) butting in on a conversation, b) it was insensitive and exclusionary to make the "best friends" comment, and c) she didn't make any effort to include OP in the conversation leaving her to simply slink away.

Having previously been in that situation herself doesn't excuse that.

It is a bit shitty, but, go into the playground with your head high, big smiles, look friendly and approachable. Get your child to point out children in her class in the playground and try to remain positive. Friendships will come and go and come back again. It is very early days and I know it feels hard.

Also lots of people are probably feeling as worried as you are about the playground. They just hide it well. I am sure your DD will be okay. Reception teachers and TAs are always encouraging friendships. We have a buddy bench and nominated older children look out for anyone on it, they have a chat to them so they are not alone at play time. It is a lovely system.

Sometimes rudeness can stem from anxiety was what I meant more, and she’s unlikely to be the only one. And they’re all there to stay, so OP can either work with what she has or disengage, but so early in I wouldn’t write people off so soon