Sad about my child’s class

[newSchool1]

My DD just started reception and I’m really sad that she’s in a class with no friends. I know she will over time make friends but it’s really upsetting for myself too. From her nursery only 2 kids going to this school and all of them in the other reception class. All the parents seem to be closer to each and we’ve had a few events before starting school and as soon as the ones I was chatting to found out my child not in same class they moved onto someone else.

Today for example I was chatting to the lady I knew from before in nursery and another woman butted into our conversation and said to her “ you’re X’s mum? My dd was telling me they’re best friends now”. I was just standing there awkwardly so moved away, anyone I was getting along with had a child in the other class! The ones who do have a child in my class didn’t seem that bothered about meeting new people and didn’t really seem that keen to swap numbers etc. I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group! I feel so awkward doing pick ups and drop off

im going back to work soon so will not see anyone at pick up and drop offs.

My son has just started year 3, and I'm only just beginning to make a group of "school mum friends".

Please don't worry. Your daughter will make loads of friends!

She's only been there a few days! Don't send her to the very hit and miss world of parent meetup apps when there are 30+ people who she's likely to see every day and among whom she's likely find at least one or two people with common ground. The 'parent politics' or clique studd is generally talked about on here by people who are themselves the political ones or who later reveal that what they mean is that they felt awkward and didn't say hello to anyone or join any events, and also noone said hello to them (but they assume that the others were actively mean, not just similarly socially awkward, or very busy), then later on all the people who HAD said hello to each other and worked on things together went for coffees (because they were friends at that point) and the poster felt excluded and now hates them.

Truly OP, you and your DC have been there a short time, I'm sure you're lovely, lots of other people are just as nervous and as friend-worthy as you, just smile and say hello and ask how their DCs are settling in, join the WhatsApp group and if you have spare time /masochism the PTA, and when your DC mentions someone a few times, ask if they'd like to to organise a quick park trip with the other family one day at the weekend or after school. Baby steps and all that.

I agree with others, it’s much too early to worry about lack of friends, for you and your DC! Mine aren’t at school yet but I didn’t make any nursery mum friends until the birthday party invites began which was a good few months after my DD started nursery. I know it’s a bit different when they’re older as you might not attend parties with them but that’s when phone numbers will be swapped and you have a real reason to chat and be in contact with other parents.

i appreciate it must be an emotional time though so go easy on yourself, be sad if that’s how you feel but definitely don’t worry that you/they won’t make good friends - just give it time

Hey OP, I feel your pain. My DC are a few years into primary now but I still don't feel I'm part of the school gate community. Partly because my DD started during lockdown, partly because in their last school they went to breakfast and after school clubs, so I wasn't meeting anyone. Both mine started school not knowing anyone either. I tried to do all the right things - set up playdates, even set up WhatsApp groups. But never felt I 'fitted' in (and I'm usually a confident person who makes friends easily, not saying to boast but just that I didn't expect to find this such a struggle!).

Now both DC have started a new school and here we go again. I'm doing more drop offs and pick ups and while I already know some of the parents in the junior part of the school, for infants I feel very alone. I do know one woman who I thought was a friend but in the school yard she has clearly decided that she's going to ignore me! So it's difficult.

I'm kind of resigned to thinking that school parent friendships won't happen for me, that's ok, as long as DC get to make friends I'll do everything I can to support parties and playdates.

Your DD will definitely make friends so please don't worry. And echo others suggestions about joining groups outside of school, most of DC's friends are not in their school.

Sorry to make this about me! I just wanted to say I get it, I think that the school setting is such a weird environment for friendships, it's like some people revert to their own school mean girls personas!

Ridiculous. You're making your daughters school experience all about yourself. Insanity. I couldn't imagine being so self centered. How can you care so much about who does or doesn't speak to you at the school gates..you're an adult..

Please stop communicating your unreasonable response to your DD. She doesn’t need to absorb your neuroses.

i think people put too much emphasis on their kids having "friends" in school. their friendships change week by week! not anything lasting esp at primary. also, i'd rather kids learn to be independent without friends and know themselves instead of pandering to the likes of others. look what social media does.

but i do know what you mean, sometimes you just "click" with other parents, other times not so much. it's not really anyone's fault. i actually chose the school based on a gut feeling of how welcoming everyone (the adults) is.

i also think it's important for kids to be ok with "not having friends" (in the room). you can have plenty of friends elsewhere, even in other countries. it doesn't mean you're not loved.

I don't think many mothers at all make friends at the school gates. That's a myth. I wasn't particularly interested in becoming friends with other parents. My ds was very sociable and made lots of friends. I encouraged and facilitated play dates, sleepovers, parties etc. I would need to chat to the mums tu arrange things , drop their child home and so on. I was pleasant with them anf have a 5 min chat at parties etc. School was about ds's driendsios, not mine.

Thank you yo everyone that has given me advice. I admit my head is not in the right place, honestly I’ve not known any difference! I’m not going to write a huge drip feed of what made me like this but as you can probably guess it is CPTSD. I do think negatively. I’m going to take on board the advice and tomorrow just smile and walk in but not start any conversations unless the person talks to me first, I’m going to focus on my daughters friendships, doesn’t matter if I make any or not she’s going to be my focus.

I know it’s hard to understand but if someone came up to me and asked for a playdate I would actually make an excuse! I know it’s hard to understand but I don’t actually want to make friends and have a social life as I’m knackered but I feel I have to try and be social for my child and stop being a loner.

@BigHoops, I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with the school setting. DS has been at three primary schools in two countries, and I am also socially confident and have never struggled with friendships.

At the first school my work meant he went to breakfast and afterschool, so I didn't see other parents unless I invited their children for a playdate.

At the second school, I did pick-ups and drop-offs three days out of five, and DS had plenty of friends and playdates, but I was completely blanked in the playground. I was told later that I'd been considered 'weird' because I worked, (only two of the 27 mothers did), didn't drive, and didn't use textspeak on the class WhatsApp.

Then we moved countries and despite Covid hitting just after, I gelled with lots of parents at DS's new school, including several whose kids aren't in DS's friend group or class.

Some environments are just a poor match for an individual. Of course, if DS hadn't moved schools, I might have thought it was me!

I understand how you feel but your daughter will make new friends. The school run is horrible, I hated it. Always felt awkward and situations like you described have happened to me and I find myself really uncomfortable and not knowing what to do.

I did make some mum friends but they’re just that, mum friends. I don’t make friends as an adult because I’m find it so hard. I like my one friend from my nursery 36 years ago and my cousin. That’ll do.

My daughter is now home educated and I’m so glad I don’t have to do the school run or participate in WhatsApp chats complaining about school dinners 🤣

If it's anything like our school the classes get mixed up every year anyway. Nothing to stop you inviting children from nursery for a play date regardless of what class they are in.

Please don’t be disheartened- the school playground is feral and can be very intimidating. I felt very out sorts with the whole thing but please don’t let it get you down, you will find your people and they may not even be parents of children that your little one is friends with. The children don’t have to be friends or even in the same class for you to get along with their parents and once the initial ‘settling in’ period ends it will seem a lot less pressured. Just be yourself and keep smiling 😊

Find out if there is a class WhatsApp and then put on there that your DD has come from a different nursery and did anyone fancy a cuppa and play date - highly unlikely anyone will be purposefully excluding you.

If you are going back to work soon and won't be doing drop offs or pick ups then why are you worried about making friends with other parents? Honestly I wouldn't worry or bother, sometimes it's actually more hassle, I don't like my child's friends mum and it's really awkward!! I hate doing the school run. Your child will make new friends, it's only week 1! My child went to school with no one from her nursery and now has a group of friends and is happy.

Why do you even care? A bunch of people you don't know haven't spoken to you?

Over time you will get to know people. Great. The main thing about the school is your child's happiness and learning not your friendships. If your child makes friends and has play dates super for both of you but no need for you to worry if they don't either.

Its what, day 2/3 of your child's school life.

Get a grip.

This isn't about your daughter. Stop projecting your issues onto your daughter. Cos that will cause you daughter more issues than not having a bestie on day one of school.

Agree with this.

Noone from my sons pre school went to his primary. He knew one other person from outside out of a 90 intake. He was absolutely fine! I'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised xx

100% this! My boy started school 3 weeks ago and there’s only 2 from nursery at the school. They are in the same class and get along but her parents don’t speak to me much. I couldn’t give two hoots! He’s starting to make friends now. At drop off and pick up I just do my thing and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Find happiness in other things and you’ll meet school parents and maybe make friends in the future.

I have a son in year2, just a couple of things:

1. it isn’t that bad being in the edge of things. Having your friendships mixed up with your kids friendships gets complicated if the kids fall out. Being removed from it all being intertwined you can view situations without the same emotion.
2. You need a life/friends separate to school - you can’t assume a friendship will come about when possibly the other thing in common is your kids being in the same class. Most other parents have friends/family and adding school to the mix is a massive time juggle, so forming their own friendships isn’t on their radar
3. If you’re this emotive and analysing everything a few days in you’re going to suffer with anxiety and stress. The hardest thing for reception for me wasn’t the academic learning but the social aspects and wanting to know you’re child is happy. You need to take a step back and relax otherwise you’ll Project this onto your kid.
4. if your child doesn’t get invited to a party don’t take it personally. A kids ‘friends’ list changes from Monday through Friday at the start. It means nothing.
5. being in a separate class tk nursery kids is good, she will create a broader friendship group. My sons nursery pal went to school with him, 2 form intake and different class. They were inseparable at playtimes. He eventually changed schools before end of reception. He was then playing with everyone. He doesn’t have a single best friend but lots of friends. When there are issues or fallings out, he’s golden as he’s always got someone he can happily play with.

Relax and you’ll be fine!

Organize a few play dates. Ask your child who they are playing with and invite them and their parent for a cuppa and play. Build some new friendships for both of you.

OP, in all kindness I think your social anxiety/loneliness is making you read far too much into this situation. I say that as someone who suffers with this too.

Really felt for you reading this post. When mine moved to reception from nursery the whole new parents pickup playground thing made me socially anxious to an extent that really took me by surprise (even though i could generally confidently talk to anyone about anything, I'm chatty and find it often quite easy to find common ground with people and make the first move, make friends quite quick etc). So it must be doubly tricky if socialising is less easy generally. I think in my case it was initially because it's a heightened emotional situation anyway (supporting child's wobbly feelings in their first days, their natural nerves, being keen for them to enjoy it all) and partly because our local school is diverse (a good thing) which meant that early on, difference was just 'there' iyswim. In case of any use: I messaged a friend with a kid further up the school as a sounding board (she normalised all my feelings and said it'd take time and that she'd not found her own favourite mum friend until her kid was in yr3 -!- and even then they were in a different class) which helped me get a bit of perspective. I also realised that some of the parents who were strong in conversation or interrupted like you experienced might also have been a bit anxious to form connections, in their own way. I made sure my work pattern meant I could do the same few pickups and dropoffs each week and asked for that flex at work. I persisted at pickup/dropoff and at parties with asking questions like 'hows your little one finding it' or 'whereabouts are you in x town' and giving information / giving of myself 'im xs mum, I think she's handled the first few days ok, just about' or 'i need another holiday after all that starting school admin' or 'how are her shoes so scuffed after two days hahah!' and that helped gradually start conversations to find common ground. After the first year school mashed up the classes (parents were annoyed as theyd all just begun to gel!) So then it took another year of the same. Lastly I learned to trust my DD - it turns out she's been good at leading us to some other lovely families - we invite people she mentions over for playdates and in our school the parent usually stays for at least first play at each house so that necessitates chat time that goes beyond small talk and some friendships slowly developed out of that. Anyway sorry for long reply : the new social scene feels awkward because it IS actually a bit awkward but trust the process, sit with the awkwardness and it will get easier as you gradually find your people and look out for others who might be a bit floored by it all too! At least the experience helps us remember what it feels like for our kids to be thrown into it when they start primary/secondary/uni/work etc x