Sad about my child’s class

[newSchool1]

My DD just started reception and I’m really sad that she’s in a class with no friends. I know she will over time make friends but it’s really upsetting for myself too. From her nursery only 2 kids going to this school and all of them in the other reception class. All the parents seem to be closer to each and we’ve had a few events before starting school and as soon as the ones I was chatting to found out my child not in same class they moved onto someone else.

Today for example I was chatting to the lady I knew from before in nursery and another woman butted into our conversation and said to her “ you’re X’s mum? My dd was telling me they’re best friends now”. I was just standing there awkwardly so moved away, anyone I was getting along with had a child in the other class! The ones who do have a child in my class didn’t seem that bothered about meeting new people and didn’t really seem that keen to swap numbers etc. I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group! I feel so awkward doing pick ups and drop off

im going back to work soon so will not see anyone at pick up and drop offs.

I think you need to get less invested - any 'friendships' from nursery won't mean much anyway, a lot of kids are still 'playing alongside' rather than 'playing with' one another and seldom have really strong relationships, your DD is in the same position as almost all the other children and friends will come in time. There's no point dwelling on what class she's in and the 'would have, could have'. If you find mums from other classes friendlier, you can make friends with them.

I never made any 'mum friends' when they kids were at primary, I just wasn't around very much and I'm also not good at making friends, but my kids still made friends. No, probably not as many as the parents who were better at socialising - but enough. And that's all they need.

Give it time and don’t stress :) My daughter started school and knew absolutely nobody in either class as we were let down by the school system so had to send our daughter to a school seven miles away.

I was in the same position as you when my eldest first started reception and I literally dropped off and ran! Over the next few months however, my daughter told me about a little girl she’d become friends with. At a party that month my daughters friends mum noticed her playing with my daughter and came over. Small talk to start with, but four years on and we’re pretty good friends now. It’ll happen. Don’t rush or worry and don’t over think it :) it’s only the first week after all :)

It's natural to want to make friends and want to build some connections with the parents of kids your child goes to school with.

From experience though, it is better to view school as a separate thing from your own personal life. Get involved in supporting the school, but without any expectations that you personally are going to get anything out of it.

To make friends, try to join an exercise/hobby group and be consistent with it, again, without the expectation that you should make friends. If it happens organically, it will be more real and long lasting.

Schoolgate politics can be soul destroying. A lot of us mums project our own insecurities onto those groups and the dynamics can very much mimic what goes on on the playground.

As you become a little more relaxed and trust in your DD's and your own abilities to form connections with others, you'll give out a different 'aura' as it were. You'll be okay OP, give it time, you'll see.

Oh op you are bringing your own issues here

Your child has literally just started their school journey !!! Nursery friends are irrelevant. My daughter had none when she weht into reception and she is autistic and still managed to make friends !

Focus on your own issues so they dont end up being your daughters too

Take turns having kids round to play but akso trust your child will find buddies in her own time

In a way going into a class not really knowing anybody can actually be better. Last year DD started reception and didn't really make "new" friends because she was with so many of those she had attended nursery with - she had a very intense friendship group. I actually asked for DD to be separated for Y1 when I learnt they were splitting the classes to enable her to develop socially and widen her circle.

I really wouldn't worry about it at this stage. As others have said, you will find your mum friends - I am a lot older than most of the mums so myself and other older mums have all naturally gravitated towards each other .

Having been through the early years of school with 4 kids, the friendships they first make are rarely the ones that last, of course there's kids who have been beasties since the day they were born but actually most kids flit between many friendships over the primary years, settle for a bit and then it's all change again in secondary! It takes a bit of settling time but they will find kids they enjoy being around.
Be kind to yourself but honestly don't expect to make friends on the school yard, it may or may not happen and feeling like this is a chance to make your own friends will probably set you up for failure, join a hobby group or something, your more likely to find people with the same interests as you so you don't only have children as your topic of convo (which is super boring!).

Quite honestly I have no friends
This is about you not her! She'll be fine and if you want friends of your own you need to make an effort to make some.

Calm down.

Your DD is absolutely fine and has probably already made loads of friends.

This isn’t even about her.
This is about you and you wanting to make friends.

But they’ve literally just gone back so I don’t understand why you’re so upset about it.

Most parents don’t swap numbers for a while so I think you’re coming on a bit strong here.

Just start chatting at the gates to the other parents.
It may take a few weeks but eventually you’ll start getting to know each other better and then you can start asking their child over for play dates which may naturally progress into a friendship.

You cannot force friendships.

You say you were talking to someone until someone else came over and then you moved away.
Why did you move away?
You should have stayed and spoken to the new person as well.

Just try and be as friendly and as confident as you can.

When you get there and you see someone standing by themselves go and stand near them and say hello.
Ask them what class their child is in and if they’re enjoying it etc.
If you do this a couple of times then you’ll find they come and stand next to you too.

Oh OP, it’s tough if the other parents are more confident/know each other already/want to make cliques.

WhatsApp can be a mixed blessing but either join a reception year group one or suggest making one if there are only class groups, so all reception parents can chat. You could also try suggesting the new parents meet for a drink or a coffee- maybe suggest it to one of the more confident parents you know from nursery first and you might find they’re keen to broadcast it.

If your DC asks for a playdate then try to make it happen, that can be a good way to meet knew parents too.

I expect, eventually, there will be at least one parent you just click with really easily, it will just take a little while to find them.

She'll be fine - DS1 knew one child at his infant school when he started, not even from nursery, I just knew the parents, and DS2 had two and wasn't that keen on either of them. They don't even remember who they were "friends" with at nursery now.

I didn't do pick up and drop offs either - I got to know parents mainly at birthday parties, sitting and chatting while the kids bombed around soft play.

This. There's a lot on here sometimes about school mum cliques etc, and there are a few but in reality most parents either want the same as you do, or are just busy with work, family or other responsibilities outside school, so just aren't that invested and aren't mean, just busy.

Children's friendships evolve so much at this age, one of mine was very shy and I was so happy that they started with 2 good friends from nursery but actually they were barely mentioned them after the third day, because at this age they play with lots of kids in evolving groups, and change a lot over the year.

Give it time, be open and remember names and you'll generally do fine.

She sounds like an odd woman. My child is in a two-form entry school, and in reception we still had children from both classes at birthday parties etc, parents chatting at drop off. They all still play all together at break time so have friends across the classes. I wouldn’t worry too much. Sounds like one strange woman, that’s all.

Also, it’s not even been a week. Your child will make new friendships soon.

This! Dear god why are parents so bloody uptight about their kids having instant friends? As a military child I moved every couple of years- neither my parents or I ever worried about me making friends. It happens naturally.

I hope you aren't passing on your anxiety to your child.

This.
PTAs are a great way to get to know mums and possibly make new friends. 2 days in is very soon for friendships to be made for kids. Those that have been at nursery togther could well be sick of sight of each other and the novelty of a new little person is more attractive. Teach your child how to approach others with a confident smile, about asking questions first to the other person, not the “ can I join in” but the more subtle “how do you do that?”, or “when “ questions
or get her to take in something from home that Will get attention of other kids.
my SIL resorted to a puppy when her kids switched schools in year 3 and 5. But that’s a tadge extreme 😱🤣🤣🤣

I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group!

As a pp said, this is nothing to do with your daughter. Bluntly, these are your issues, and you need to own them and deal with them, and stop projecting them onto your young child.

If only two children from nursery are attending her school, it's mad to wail that they're 'all' in the other reception class - it sounds like some kind of persecution complex!

And you are complaining about other parents moving away from you once they found out your child wasn't in their child's class, yet you are also differentiating the parents on the basis of 'my child's class' vs 'the other class'!

Honestly, OP, you need to calm down and deal with your own issues. If you regularly experience difficulties with friendships, the clue may be in your own behaviour. From the way you're describing your attitude on here, you're coming across as desperate, needy, and alert to the slightest sign that there's an 'in-group' you're not in.

Separate your DD's social life from your own. She's going to be tired and overwhelmed at the start of reception, anyway, and isn't going to be on some friendship campaign, or on the look out for 'exclusions'. When she starts to make friends, by all means invite them for a playdate, or suggest on the class WhatsApp, if there is one, a general trip to the park after school?

But you need to address your own loneliness separately. It maybe that you will find friends among the other parents, but it is far less likely to happen with that over-the-top 'No one wants to be my friend!' attitude.

My DS started reception this week too. He doesn't know anyone there and have the class came from the attached pre-school so have a ready-built network. Which is totally fine with me. I like what PP said about treating them as colleagues; I plan to smile, be friendly and make chit chat as needed but Reception should be about my DS and his friendships and not mine.

If there isn't a class WhatsApp group, why not start one? It's a great support/resource and just setting it up would be an opportunity to meet so many parents.

She's 4 or 5. She'll make friends...

They sound like a nasty coven if they drop you as a friend just because your child is in a different class. In the long run you are better off without them.

Although, I would also say that I agree that those people are the parents of your child's randomly selected classmates. Only a few of them will be people you would chose as friends and you shouldn't expect to click perfectly with them.

hi Op that was also my experience and has been throughout the whole of primary so far (y6). So I just look at school as somewhere to drop my kid off and pick up. Sadly parent friendships are not very forthcoming, although DD has school friends, playdates are also rare although we have the odd one. Drop off, look ahead and chat if someone else wants to chat but don't try to be friends with them unless it happens as you may just be setting yourself up for disappointment if it doesn't come off. IMO a lot of school parents are a bit like being back in the playground at secondary - horrible hierarchy that I prefer to avoid! Or just generally disinterested so I have adopted the same disinterest. I can't wait for secondary now!!! Less parent involvement and bullshit. I just focus on my own life outside of school. I do think some schools in particular have a mass of parents that just can't be bothered with other parents as well as a few "alpha mums" who turn their nose up.

I didn’t move away, the other person did. No the whole thing today was a social event! It wasn’t just a drop off. The kids went into the classes and parents were told they can stay for tea and biscuits so the sole purpose of the event WAS to mingle which I did my best at. I was very chatty but stood awkwardly WHEN the mum interrupted my conversation, didn’t acknowledge me and went into a monologue with other mum how the kids are best friends.

Don't worry OP. Your DD is only in reception and she will make friends. Let things happen naturally with the parents. Go into school with a hi, bye and smile.
Don't be desperate for mum friends. I know you said you haven't any friends and would like to hang out in a group but it will happen and you will meet someone who feels the same.
Mine are all in secondary school but I still keep in touch with a couple of mums I met through school but it took a while.
Going back to work will help as you will have less time at the school gate. Goodluck and wishing your DD a happy start to school and she settles in and makes friends.

When my son started reception he had two friends from nursery. It was nice for him to have familiar faces in the first few days, but within a couple of weeks he had totally different friends. I didn't get to know the parents straight away, but it wasn't long before the children were wanting to play together, meet up etc. Friendships develop naturally like that. One of these unknown parents became one of my best friends. As for the two from nursery - although I'm on friendly terms with their mums, we have never socialised out of school and neither have our children, aside from a few parties. You can't control what happens at school because it is your child's world, so just be open to the children your daughter talks about and invite those over when the time is right.

Are you in Scotland by any chance? Schools there have been back a few weeks. You actually sound like someone I might know. My daughter and another girl from nursery are in one class and her friend from nursery in another. She was put into the school via a lengthy appeal process and ended up in a different class.

My partner does the drop offs and has also struggled to chat to people, even folk from the same class. As long as you keep making an effort it’s all good. Probably lots of parents in the same/similar position it just doesn’t show because it’s still early days. I haven’t done any drop offs or pick ups yet so don’t know anyone either. But there will be chances to chat and talk to people. I know for my daughters school they’re doing a visiting afternoon for parents so I’m going to use that as an opportunity to talk to other parents from the class. People are busy and aren’t always thinking about having a chat too. Don’t worry yourself lovely ❤️