Sad about my child’s class

[newSchool1]

My DD just started reception and I’m really sad that she’s in a class with no friends. I know she will over time make friends but it’s really upsetting for myself too. From her nursery only 2 kids going to this school and all of them in the other reception class. All the parents seem to be closer to each and we’ve had a few events before starting school and as soon as the ones I was chatting to found out my child not in same class they moved onto someone else.

Today for example I was chatting to the lady I knew from before in nursery and another woman butted into our conversation and said to her “ you’re X’s mum? My dd was telling me they’re best friends now”. I was just standing there awkwardly so moved away, anyone I was getting along with had a child in the other class! The ones who do have a child in my class didn’t seem that bothered about meeting new people and didn’t really seem that keen to swap numbers etc. I feel really sad for my child plus myself! I’m feeling really low. Quite honestly I have no friends and it’s hard making friends as an adult. They all seem to be mingling and getting friendly why is it so hard for me? If my child was in sane class I would also have gotten to be in their little group! I feel so awkward doing pick ups and drop off

im going back to work soon so will not see anyone at pick up and drop offs.

Oh dear, oh dear. This is pathetic. Why are you so desperate to join a playground clique? You’re a grown woman, not a primary-schooler. You should be looking forward to getting back to work and mingling with people who aren’t talking about a bunch of snotty nosed kids 24/7. Please stop being such a needy sadsack. Your kid has over a decade at school to form her friendships. She will be fine. It sounds like you’re the one who is crying in the corner though! 🤣 Grow up and realise that there’s a whole world outside the school gates.

DD started school and knew 1 out of the other 59 children.

While I think it is important to make connections and join WhatsApp/FB groups to develop emergency contacts and later homework help, DD didnt' go to school for me to make friends.

She is now in. 6th form and while I am friendly with some of the mums from back then, I hardly speak to the majority and I think there were several I never met.

I have friends through other areas.

We made an effort to go to the class parties and speak to other parents, especially as we only did drop off/collect 1-2x a week.

Is it week one....? You have another 14 years of this so take it steady & I say that as a mum of a DS who struggles to make friends. It's a marathon not a sprint.

With regards to the parents, it's your daughters school not yours. Some parents you'll get on with others less so.

Jesus, why are people so cruel?

You've acknowledged that you have CPTSD @newSchool1 so evidently have a lot of anxiety re all this change and perhaps your perception of expectations/how things 'should' be at, what is, a monumental milestone is both a child and parents life is hightened at a time like this. Please don't worry!

Children make friends organically. They're quite intuitive and will play with like-minded little people so if your LO expresses an interest in having a friend over for a little playdate then encourage this at every opportunity. Play, outside the environs of school, foster such positive psychosocial connections, foster empathy, promote emotional intelligence and aid negotiation skills....the list is endless. And they're fun!!! Encourage your child's friendships at every opportunity and you will, organically, make friendships yourself.

I appreciate that this is an anxious time for you OP but it is so early and I don't really believe that children have the capacity to make meaningful friendships until they're quite a bit older. And ignore the irritating parents, there are always a few!

My DD was the only one from her nursery at her school, but she made some lovely friends in reception! You honestly don't need to worry about it.

I would say that you should reflect a bit on your own experiences at school and how you say you have no friends. This is possibly triggering memories and insecurities. I struggle with it myself and really read into everything. At the end of the school year when everyone was still standing in silence I set up a WhatsApp group and asked if anyone wants to meet up (painfully) but we all kind of mingle now and it’s not as awkward. Even now I’ve made some friends I still read into everything but then tell myself to chill out. I’m sure you are lovely and people will want to be your friend. Others probably feel the same.

I am sorry that you feel this way OP. You need to not try so hard. Your child has only just started reception, you've got a long way to go. Just chill. When my dc joined reception, somehow the mums in the other class seemed less up their own, and much nicer and friendlier . They seemed liked a really nice bunch. I had a couple of mum friends in the other class, and they thought the mums in our class were better. Turns out that the mum cliques in both classes were equally toxic. Trust me they are not a "nice little group". Any mums that form a little group and exclude others are not a nice little group.

I would honestly not worry too much, I got a bit friendly with some of the mums in year R, then the kids all got mixed up again going into year 1… then again going into year 2… I found the mums a bit fickle to be honest, if the kids fell out they’d shun you, or they’d be all chummy them not invite your kid to a party…
I found it easier at juniors when I just tipped up, collected and went home… just kept self to self except the occasional meaningless chitchat to pass some time! You’re better off keeping out of it really.

Don't panic yet its very early! There will be so many opportunities to meet the other parents. Also in reception there are usually all class parties so you'll have about 30 parties to go to and will have hours to chat to other parents!

This will all seem so small and ridiculous in a few months.

But from my own experience, not one of the school mom friends I made were because our kids were friends in fact just the opposite. My closest school mom friends - our kids have been completely indifferent of each other despite often being in the same class.

I wouldn’t worry too much about your daughter OP. I changed school at seven and knew no one, then again at 11 and knew no one, then obviously at university I knew no one. It never even occurred to me that it was an issue, and it never was. Also none of my school friendships were based on my mum knowing the other child’s parents, it was always just child led and parents communicating to arrange things if needed.

I think you are completely over reacting! And just let things evolve.

It's not a social event, it's dropping your child off at school.
I hope you make more friends, but gently does it. Don't seem desperate. Some parents will go through the whole of primary school without making any friends with other children's parents, for some it will become their entire friendship circle. You can't tell from the first week.

My son didn't know a single person in his primary school when he started, it really doesn't matter they make friends all the time. Try walking to and from school with a classmate, that can help you get to know a parent and him a child.

Omg are you serious? Your kids is 4/5 years old and has been there a couple of days! Give them a chance! They don’t form proper friendships in that amount of time.

100% this… my ds15 had the same best friends from nursery up till year 7, they changed he didn’t and they grew apart. Except for one … a boy who also has autism, although they had known each other since reception they were in different classes until year 5, year 5 they became good friend and they are both best friends still now in year 11. I never sought to become friends with other parents, one boy my DS was friends with was probably the only mum I had a good relationship with and then dd10 I have a good relationship with 3 or her friends mums. It’s only reception so a lot will change over the years… you just gotta go with the flow…

Not to invalidate your feelings but please don't make too much of this for your DD or yourself. Give her chance to meet new people, reception kids really aren't too cliquey they won't freeze her out because she's new. Its been a few days and people are just focusing on their own child and lives, most people won't mean to come across as dismissive or unfriendly so just keep talking to people, saying hello and instigate conversation if it's important to you. Why not start a class parent WhatsApp and suggest a coffee catch up or a night out? You'll find your mum friends, everyone who wants to socialise at school will find mum friends, there are plenty who will be on the same wave length as you and some that won't be. Don't over think it. X

Yeah life's shite, I have had to take my child out of her school that's literally a two minute drive away and put her in a school in a parish a half hour away.. we know nobody, she cries for her old friends and asks endlessly why her friends aren't coming. She doesn't understand she has a disability and our parish can't cater to us so.. life's shite.. total and utter shite..

Give it a few weeks and see who your daughter starts to mention as their new friend. Then try and arrange a play date at a local soft play/park
/activity with the mums through either a wee note, Facebook, in the playground. Hopefully they would be keen and then this can start a friendship.

class parties will also start flooding in and it’s a chance to chat to folk.

Your child will soon find new friends. I remember when my child started school I bonded with a grandmother who did the school run. All very casual. We chatted if we were standing near each other. There is no pressure for you to make friends.

My child started P1 with 65 others and knew nobody. I moved to four different schools and knew nobody.
He and I just made new friends

My son has just started reception after having been with a childminder for the last 2 years. He doesn't know anyone in his class. I don't know any of the other parents.

My son will make friends at school. He is a sociable and likeable boy, I'm not worried about him not making friends. As for me, I don't care if I make mum friends or not. I have 15 and 13 year old DD's l, I did all the school drop offs and pick ups from them and I didn't make any mum friends through it. Don't get me wrong I've got a lot of the mum's on Facebook, and I'd have a chat with them while we were waiting to pick the kids up but we weren't the friends that socialised outside of school other than children's parties.

My best friend lived in Scotland for the last 8 years (I'm south east England) though she has recently moved back down. I have a friend who lives in Bristol and one in Norway too so I don't have friends to regularly hang around with, but tbh, I also don't really like going out that much. But my child being at school is an opportunity for him to make friends, not me, and it very much sounds like you are sad for yourself, not your child so for that I think YABU.

@CountessWindyBottom

Jesus, why are people so cruel?

Some of it is cruel and uncalled for.

But it’s honestly so frustrating to watch people bring their own neurotic approach to socialising to bear on their children’s social experiences.

Thid woman “butting in” is a complete piece of nothing. She was just talking to someone in the playground. It’s trivial and something to move past, not stew over and indulge.

The OP clearly struggles socially and I have some sympathy but she has a duty to not make this her kid’s’ problem. Kids pick up on this drama and overthinking of incredibly minor interactions and it’s damaging.

Do your kids a favour and learn not to hugely overdo these tiny trivial little things. If you find it hard, get help for it. But learn to separate your anxiety from your kids’ experience. This paranoid attitude to other people is something they will learn if you don’t get a handle on it OP.

Its difficult when you don’t know many people but it’s literally your job to ring fence the way you feel about this from your kids.

Honestly, drop your daughter off and then get the hell out of there. I can't remember a time I found an environment as cliquey and bitchy as the gaggle of parents in a primary school playground. Many of them seem more immature that the small people they are dropping off.

I tried to make friends, witnessed the pack scrapping across social media and decided I was better off out of it. I just nodded acknowledgements, said hi and then disappeared, whilst making the occasional observation that last week's clique now seemed to be standing in separate groups, no doubt poisoning minds again last week's besties.

The day my youngest was old enough to make the pilgrimage to and from primary school without me was a joyous occasion.

Let’s give people some grace. It’s so easily to think people are cliquey (how do you spell this word🤣??) or rude when really most of us are just trying our best or just trying to get on with our day without constantly worrying what people think.

Not everyone wants to make friends - that’s okay too. I agree with what other people have said, you should just relax. It’s perfectly normal to stand on your own, nobody is paying as much attention as you think. But if you really want friends you need to start some conversations and ask people questions. Don’t overthink it if they don’t feel like chatting, it’s most likely not personal. I personally don’t want to make any new friends but am happy to chat to people and be friendly.

I just think you need to focus on your daughter. At the end of the day that’s what you’re there for. And she will be fine. My little one didn’t have any friends from nursery when he started but he’s very confident and has loads now (a year on)