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Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 01:55

The 23 year old needs to move out, and there's no way you should help finance that. Your home, your kids need to come first. This is why blending families often isn't such a great idea.

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 02:05

Sharing resources in multigenerational households conserves money & leads to prosperity.

Reorganize the household but don't make anyone move.

Are you married?

Patchesofdrizzle · 07/09/2023 02:12

At 23 and working full time, and being a pain to live with- he should be moving out, whether he's your stepson or not.

You may well want to ask your own sons to move out when they're 23 so I don't think you should think that you're potentially treating your stepson differently.

Why should you have to pay to rent a bigger place, and have the hassle of renting out your current place, when you own a home, that will suit you all, once the 23 year old moves out. Surely his dad can use the money he would have paid to rent a bigger place to subsidise his sons deposit?

If he wants to live with his son.then I think he moves out with him and they pay the rent on a new place between them.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:21

Thanks @Patchesofdrizzle this is how I feel. The bills will be lower and he will pay less rent to me so he can help his son out if he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:22

No we aren’t married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:23

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Im not sure we can reorganise the house. Ss could share with his sister, but that would make it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:24

@FloweryName I do feel like it’s a shitty thing to do. But I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:25

Sorry I also should have mentioned it’s my house. My partner pays rent and towards the bills.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 07/09/2023 02:35

You can demand that your partner kick his son out, but you can absolutely say that you’re not willing to live with the adult son anymore, so your partner needs to find a place of his own for him and his kids until his son moves out. Why should you pay more for a place for his adult kid if you’re happy to live separately? Just live separately.

VioletPickles · 07/09/2023 02:41

Do the older children pay rent? Perhaps time to suggest that. They may want to pay rent on their own place instead?

wordler · 07/09/2023 02:44

Even if you wouldn’t ask your own 23year old sons to move out I assume you’d be charging them rent and board?

Perfect time to start a family tradition - once you finish full time education you can live at home as long as you are paying rent and board.

Keep this consistent for all the kids as they get older.

Now you have two options with your DSS

He wants to stay living at home then he
pays rent and board which funds the larger rental house for all of you with bedrooms for everyone.

Or he has the option for some autonomy and gets his own room/flat with the money he would have been paying to stay in the family home. Your partner can even subsidize him for his own place if that’s what he wants to do.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/09/2023 02:53

Your partner wants to rent so they have room, thats fine.

You dont, you want to stay in your home with your kids. Also fine.

Do that.

He moves out with his kids, you stay in your home with yours. Non negotiable and three months notice. He is happy to pay rent somewhere else? Good because thats what he is going to have to do. They are doing this as you are letting them.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/09/2023 03:12

Personally I'd be taking care of business. Your business.
You have 2 men, your "D"P and "D"SS, dictating how you live in your own fucking house.

Its not okay for your children to be "tormented" in their home.
It is not okay for your partner to unilaterally decide things that are detrimental to you and your children for his families comfort and convenience.

Its your house.
Ss is an adult and earning. He can lodge or rent or whatever like 90% of others his age.
If your DP is so desperate to house his DS let him pay for rental on a room or a 1 bed rental for his son. THAT is the solution notupending your lives renting out your home to go looking to rent a 5 bed house.

Personally I'd just tell dp and dss what is happening. If they refused to cooperate id say the 3 of them need to move out and sort their own accommodation.
If you arent willing to pull the trigger on that and if he wont /your arent prepared to make him move out. Charge him going lodger rates. Use that money to get your boys out of the house with or without you to put space between you.

Your children should be your priority

BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 03:33

I agree, your partner moves out with his children

LAMPS1 · 07/09/2023 03:34

It sounds as if the problem is less about the number of bedrooms and more about the fact that your adult DSS causes a lot of conflict in the household which you realised when he was away for a week.
I assume he is already paying board and lodging to you if he is working full time.
Can you help him find a room in a flat share ? Can his father help him pay for that?

In the meantime, have a very serious chat about telling him to grow up, act his age and leave the younger boys alone. Why isn’t his father already dealing with that problem ? Maybe his father needs to move out with him.

Robotalkingrubbish · 07/09/2023 03:46

When my son moved back in after uni, I actively encouraged him to look for his own place. This in spite of the fact that he and I were close and got on. I don’t think you do your adult children any favours by letting them settle into the family home again, as adults. They’ve just spent three or four years leaving to fend for themselves and it’s actually better for them to continue their independence. My son got a flat with three others, he was much happier doing that than living with me. I was happy as well, as I got my freedom back. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging your grown up kids to move on into the adult world. Don’t feel guilty @Thisisfortyish and do remember that although you couldn’t think of apply this to your own children, when they are adults things change.

blackbeardsballsack · 07/09/2023 04:05

It sounds like this man just unilaterally decides what happens in your life and your own home. It's your house, and I don't think you should face any criticism for prioritising your own children especially after years of DSS taking priority.

truthhurts23 · 07/09/2023 04:06

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

and what about her own children? why do their needs get backseated for a 23 year old man?

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:13

With the kids paying rent I have left that up to their dad. He pays the agreed rent for the two rooms, if they contribute to that it’s up to him.

He sent me a few links to rentals nearby and I sent a message back asking if he is paying the difference. He said no we would be splitting the rent 50/50. So that’s not an option. I have left it at his son has the room for another three months then one of mine will be in it. His son is always welcome to live here, but he needs to share with his sister. I will write a formal eviction notice tonight.

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/09/2023 04:18

You cannot ask a 19 year old girl to share a room with a 23 year old male, even if it is her brother!!!

Get rid of that option from your thinking straight away!!!

Reduce the rent your partner pays (1 1/2 rooms instead of 2 1/2 and he can use the difference to accommodate his son. It's your house, so why should your DC be penalised to this extent?!

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:24

I wouldn’t expect him to share with his sister. I’m only saying my kids will be having a room each. I will leave the rest up to them to work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:27

@Robotalkingrubbish Ss lived here while at uni. I imagine I will feel differently when my kids are older, I just can’t imagine it.

SS does annoy my kids, they certainly are not innocent either. But it was nice while ss was away.

OP posts:
evuscha · 07/09/2023 04:29

I’m surprised it’s considered normal that a 23yr old working adult lives at your home without contributing, is there a reason for that? I understand you’re leaving it up to his dad to decide whether he wants to supplement him. I just think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a choice of either the SDS moving out (and he pays his rent) or you all finding a bigger place but SDS covers the difference in price.
I went to uni (and then continued living there) in a different city so fair enough I didn’t have an option of living at home, but it would never occur to me that someone else should be covering my rent, once I started working.

evuscha · 07/09/2023 04:33

evuscha · 07/09/2023 04:29

I’m surprised it’s considered normal that a 23yr old working adult lives at your home without contributing, is there a reason for that? I understand you’re leaving it up to his dad to decide whether he wants to supplement him. I just think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a choice of either the SDS moving out (and he pays his rent) or you all finding a bigger place but SDS covers the difference in price.
I went to uni (and then continued living there) in a different city so fair enough I didn’t have an option of living at home, but it would never occur to me that someone else should be covering my rent, once I started working.

Ugh by SDS of course I mean the stepson.

I wouldn’t be asking him to share with his sister though.

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