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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 07/09/2023 06:49

In the house their mother paid for, their one and only home, my children share a bedroom while DSD has her own room.
She needs it more than they do right now, even though this isn't her main home, so fair enough.
In 10 years time if she hasn't vacated, I think I'll be making similar noises to you @OP.
My then young teenage sons will be ready to enjoy the same privilege DSD has had her entire life and they won't have the option of moving out and supporting themselves yet, so DSD is going to have to be the one to make way.

TheBeautifulMoors · 07/09/2023 06:52

Such a shame you’re trying to treat your ss differently to how you would treat your children.

Are your 14tear old your DP’s?
Hopefully he’ll remember this and ask them to move out when they’re 23.

23 in this day and age is harsh imo. Give him some time to save up and move out.

Ive seem similar threads on here and moms who has been asked this have contemplated moving out instead because of the unfair treatment.

Is there a big room that you can separate for the twins?

LateAF · 07/09/2023 06:55

It’s not his roof though - as a father, it was OP’s partners responsibility to make sure that he legally had an equal say in the house he chose for his children to live and that the house had enough rooms to accommodate his children.

OP has prioritised his kids for a long time since his kids get their own room in her house. She’s now looking to give her own children the same privacy and space that her step sons got as teenagers- and her adult step son (who is working full time) is the one in the way of that. If OP’s partner wanted a house his adult children could live in indefinitely, he should never have moved in with OP or they should have bought a 5 bedroom house together.

RocketIceLollie · 07/09/2023 06:58

I wouldn't initiate it personally unless you want to go for the wicked stepmother award.

KVick · 07/09/2023 06:59

I don't know how this "partner" - with his adult offspring - weaseled his way into Op's house, but she needs to boot the whole lot of them out!

LateAF · 07/09/2023 07:00

Are your 14tear old your DP’s?
Hopefully he’ll remember this and ask them to move out when they’re 23.

He should start by remembering that OP prioritised his teenage childrens’ privacy by letting her step children have their own room while OP’s children shared, and now that OP’s children are teenagers, they should have the same opportunity as their step siblings did for privacy. His memory of how his children are treated compared to OP’s shouldn’t be selective. At 23, his son can move out to get his own space, at 14, OP’s sons can’t do the same so it’s an obvious solution .

Orquid · 07/09/2023 07:02

Your house your rules; it is not all about money but well-being too and feeling happy in your own place. Any annoying grown up, independent child should move out whether they are your birth child or not.

Lonicerax · 07/09/2023 07:03

I would inform the SS that if he continues to cause or be involved in squabbles with his DBs he must move out as you have had enough.
Perhaps he will actually grow up enough not to bicker with/ wind up the others - at 23 that is ridiculous.
He definitely needs a plan - he can't live with you indefinitely - what is his plan - what savings does he have for a deposit (for rent or buying), what savings does DP have to put towards the deposit? How fast is it accumulating?

Orquid · 07/09/2023 07:05

suburbophobe · 07/09/2023 04:59

I'm 68.

Solo mum of an adult child who has his own place but still his room here.

I've had enough in life to know I would never move a man (or woman), lover or best friend into my house.

It's the only home my son has, even living and travelling abroad, like I did, eons ago.

Agree with this

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 07:09

assuming their mother is not around, that is tough on the 23 year old imo

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 07:10

what about a caravan on your drive?

trulyunruly01 · 07/09/2023 07:12

I'd ask all three of them to move out.
No way should you consider a rental - having to contribute to that is money lost from your own dcs' college fund/your own lifestyle. It not like dp couldn't stay overnight when you wanted, his dc are old enough. If you need extra funds then take in proper lodgers with whom there's no emotions involved.
It will send a big fat message to your own dcs at a very important phase of their lives - you come first. (IMO that message should have been sent as soon as the dp's son started with the tormenting etc.)

feralunderclass · 07/09/2023 07:13

The bedroom issue is a red herring, the real question is why on earth did you allow someone to live in your house who torments their dc? Living seperately seems to be the best option. Families should never blend if they can't provide a big enough house for everyone.

grumpycow1 · 07/09/2023 07:13

You should absolutely not feel terrible! You’ve given very fair options. You need to prioritise your children’s needs here as no one else in that house will. If your DSS is acting like a moody teen still it’s also in his best interests to get some independence. Your DSS torments your children? If that is genuinely upsetting them, That would be enough to chuck him out.

MenorcaMarguerite · 07/09/2023 07:15

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

This is your answer.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 07:17
Oliotya · 07/09/2023 07:19

Can DSS even afford to move out?

You should have thought about this before you moved them all in. You can't expect your dp to kick his son out.

2weekstowait · 07/09/2023 07:21

Does your step son want to move into a shared house? If he's happy with that then go with it. It's very expensive to rent and live alone these days - is his job well paid? Is the area expensive? He has already been living away at uni presumably, so living in a shared house might suit him perfectly and should be affordable for someone on a full time salary unless you're in London where you need to be a fairly high earner just to afford a room, it seems.

My son recently graduated uni - it's sometimes difficult for them to slot back into living at home because they are used to living how they want and to their own schedule. But I wouldn't ever tell my son he couldn't live at home (he doesn't, he moved away). If he wanted to come back I would always have the door open. Probably talking to your step son about what he really wants for himself is best, and then finding ways to help him make it happen. You could have that conversation regardless of the situation because it is unlikely to be his plan to continue living at home in a few years time.

Motheranddaughter · 07/09/2023 07:23

What would you do if it was your own child?
Do that

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 07:29

@2weekstowait the ss still stayed at home at university the op says

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 07:31

my own ds stayed at home until he moved out with his gf late 20s,
my dd shared a room until they left for uni.
so i am conflicted

suggst you lay some ground rules in order to seek harmony in the house.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/09/2023 07:33

YANBU, you aren't married. It's your house and have prioritised your boyfriends children for years now and it's time for your 14yr ilds to have their own room.
He is 23, you don't have the same level of responsibility to him at all, he is old enough to house share, it will help him grow up, if his father wants to help him out that's on him, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Tessabelle74 · 07/09/2023 07:33

Can you not get a wooden building put up to be used by your SS until he's ready to move out properly? That way too can use it for your kids when the time comes to?

Feverly · 07/09/2023 07:37

Wtf, you're housing your boyfriend and his kids, allowing a grown man to torment your children in their own home and allowing two men to dictate to you? Why have you not prioritised your kids from the start? Time to do better. No need for these people to be in your kids home.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 07:39

The man's finances are not OPs problem. (He's not a stepson). It's the boyfriend, and adult sons problem to figure out housing for his bully of son.