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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 07/09/2023 04:35

So your P is paying you rent for 2 rooms and his DC pay rent to him for the 2 rooms?

suburbophobe · 07/09/2023 04:59

I'm 68.

Solo mum of an adult child who has his own place but still his room here.

I've had enough in life to know I would never move a man (or woman), lover or best friend into my house.

It's the only home my son has, even living and travelling abroad, like I did, eons ago.

suburbophobe · 07/09/2023 05:03

Sounds "complicated".

Feel sorry for the kids in this scenario.

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 05:08

Good for you OP

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 05:11

I don’t think ss pays any rent.

OP posts:
BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 05:12

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:13

With the kids paying rent I have left that up to their dad. He pays the agreed rent for the two rooms, if they contribute to that it’s up to him.

He sent me a few links to rentals nearby and I sent a message back asking if he is paying the difference. He said no we would be splitting the rent 50/50. So that’s not an option. I have left it at his son has the room for another three months then one of mine will be in it. His son is always welcome to live here, but he needs to share with his sister. I will write a formal eviction notice tonight.

That sounds reasonable

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 05:13

Dp has suggested ss move out. Apparently ss isn’t pleased.

OP posts:
BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 05:16

Robotalkingrubbish · 07/09/2023 03:46

When my son moved back in after uni, I actively encouraged him to look for his own place. This in spite of the fact that he and I were close and got on. I don’t think you do your adult children any favours by letting them settle into the family home again, as adults. They’ve just spent three or four years leaving to fend for themselves and it’s actually better for them to continue their independence. My son got a flat with three others, he was much happier doing that than living with me. I was happy as well, as I got my freedom back. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging your grown up kids to move on into the adult world. Don’t feel guilty @Thisisfortyish and do remember that although you couldn’t think of apply this to your own children, when they are adults things change.

That is a luxury many young people cant afford though. I would love my children to be living independently, and to have my house to myself! But realistically, if they are ever going to have half a chance of becoming home owners, I need to be housing them now, so they can save. They are earning well, but rents around here would be 75% of their salary

Autieangel · 07/09/2023 05:21

I'd ask dss to move out. He can look for a house share if he can't afford a place of his own or his dad could take the rent he pays for him to live with you and supplement his rent.

Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 05:29

Is ss mum still alive? If so why isn't she sharing some responsibility for looking after her grown son?

kenadams86 · 07/09/2023 05:33

I'm just wondering where is the mother of your SS. It is possible she has more space for him?
I agree it's time for him to move out and find his own place. It can be done in an exciting and supportive way so he doesn't feel rejected but it's not fair on your 2 sons anymore, they need their own space.

Your DP needs to be more helpful- he sounds like hard work

UndercoverCop · 07/09/2023 05:53

MN is a such a contradiction, so many people saying young new graduates should live on their own and rent, but also do many complaining they have no chance of getting onto the property ladder. It's a helping hand you can give your young adult children, I moved back in with my parents for just over two years after graduating, worked full time plus a bar job, saved like hell and bought my first little flat (2010 so not a million years ago). Without that opportunity to save without paying full market rent (I payed a nominal amount of keep at my insistence), I wouldn't own the family home I do now. My parents couldn't hand me a deposit but they could give me that opportunity and I will do the same for DS.
At 23 in the US he will have just graduated and with enormous student debt.
If you wouldn't do it to your children, you shouldn't do it to a step child, or you shouldn't have blended families. It wasn't the choice of any of the young people in this situation to do that.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/09/2023 06:01

It’s probably easier for your partner to move out. I can’t see another simple solution if your DP is insisting his SS lives with him still.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 06:03

I sent a text saying if ss doesn’t want to move out could he pay the difference in the rent but DP thinks that’s not fair. So I then suggested a share house and DP gives him the difference he is saving in rent here. DP agrees with this one. I think ss will be ok with this too.

I feel terrible as a poster said it’s a great opportunity to save while living at home. But I think ss also needs to take responsibility for making it impossible to stay here. My DP suggested the boys each have four months each in own room and share the other eight. But my boys need a place to escape ss.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

OP posts:
Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 06:12

My DP suggested the boys each have four months each in own room and share the other eight. But my boys need a place to escape ss.
I think your partner is straight up taking the piss, trying to dictate how you live in YOUR house. Sod him and his kids, if he's that bothered about meeting their housing needs he should do it by his self and not interfere with your household.

NeverGuessWho · 07/09/2023 06:20

Your DP sounds like an absolute belter, OP!
Are you happy together? I think I would feel resentful towards him if I were you in this scenario.
If things are tickety-boo between you, then that's great, but if not, I think I might be using this whole scenario as a chance to press re-set, and suggesting he find alternative accommodation as well as his DS.

flyingsaucersandjellybeans · 07/09/2023 06:25

Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 06:12

My DP suggested the boys each have four months each in own room and share the other eight. But my boys need a place to escape ss.
I think your partner is straight up taking the piss, trying to dictate how you live in YOUR house. Sod him and his kids, if he's that bothered about meeting their housing needs he should do it by his self and not interfere with your household.

I don't agree with OP's partner's suggestion however if they're partners it's their household together, not just for the OP to choose independently. This is the issue with blended households. Your comment suggests there is a hierarchy and that's only going to cause resentment whatever happens regarding the OP's SS.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/09/2023 06:27

. So I then suggested a share house and DP gives him the difference he is saving in rent here

run with this then.
Confirm it back to him and remind him of 3 monyh deadline via text.

Discuss it openly. Ask how the room hint is going? Get your boys to start looking at paint and wallpaper and plan to start decorating in 3 months.

do not let him leave half his stuff soyour son doesnt feel like its his own. Clear it our and redecorate both boys rooms

HRTadvicepls · 07/09/2023 06:30

How long has SS been part of your household?

Have you got space for a cabin in the garden type thing?

If I was your dp I'm afraid I'd be rethinking the relationship/living with you because I'd not be able to tell a child of mine they weren't welcome under my roof any more.

flyingsaucersandjellybeans · 07/09/2023 06:30

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/09/2023 06:27

. So I then suggested a share house and DP gives him the difference he is saving in rent here

run with this then.
Confirm it back to him and remind him of 3 monyh deadline via text.

Discuss it openly. Ask how the room hint is going? Get your boys to start looking at paint and wallpaper and plan to start decorating in 3 months.

do not let him leave half his stuff soyour son doesnt feel like its his own. Clear it our and redecorate both boys rooms

Except would OP treat her own son like that? OP has admitted she wouldn't so tbh it's a bit uncomfortable and probably going to be remembered all round by everyone in OP's family

flyingsaucersandjellybeans · 07/09/2023 06:31

HRTadvicepls · 07/09/2023 06:30

How long has SS been part of your household?

Have you got space for a cabin in the garden type thing?

If I was your dp I'm afraid I'd be rethinking the relationship/living with you because I'd not be able to tell a child of mine they weren't welcome under my roof any more.

Agreed

Ragwort · 07/09/2023 06:41

How long have you been with your DP? Who's idea was it for him to move into your home with his DC? What happened to his own home?

The whole situation sounds dysfunctional and this is why blended families rarely work. If I were you I would be much happier living on my own with my own DC and just 'date' your DP ... less conflict all round.

Velvian · 07/09/2023 06:44

I've only read your posts @Thisisfortyish , so sorry if I'm repeating. Some options may be. A downstairs room as a bedroom, the largest bedroom divided into 2 rooms, convert a garage or get a garden building.

The trouble is that a step child is never a SC, they are are your DP's child. Would it be better if DP moves out?

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/09/2023 06:44

It's your bloody house! Your DC should come first. It's completely mad that your DP's DC get their own rooms whilst yours share despite it belonging to you.

Tell your DP he has 2 options - DS23 moves out, or all 3 of them move out until the kids are ready to leave the nest. Whatever you do, you shouldn't be subsidising his DS's rent - that's his parents' job.

Does your DSS have a mother?

WorseDecision · 07/09/2023 06:48

I'd tell dp to move out and find somewhere to rent with his kids if he can't come up with a proper solution.

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