Asking adult step child to move out?

[Thisisfortyish]

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

This.

YABU
you have a blended family and you have to treat all the kids the same. You’re clearly not doing that.

I understand wanting older step kids to contribute to the house and for that YANBU but to demand the eldest leaves home to give your own kids a room each is bonkers and will destroy your relationship with your partner. It’s hard finding somewhere to stay for young people at the moment and 23 really isn’t that old to be staying at home anymore.

If you’re not fussy about your partner leaving you then crack on.

It’s your house and your DS’s need more space (own rooms) so the only way around this is for DSS to move out or your DP moves out with his DC.

If he’s working op, he can surely meet the extra few hundred quid a month for the extra bedroom on the rental?

Can't believe people are saying to treat the man like her own children. No. He's an unrelated male who bullies her kids, him and his father and sibling should never have been moved in to OPs kids home. There is no obligation to the man, he can house himself or his parent can figure out housing.

It’s her house? Why should her own kids be having to share a room when his dc get a room each, eldest is working and capable of renting a room/flat or her dp could move out with the dc? They are not married. Yes all dc should be treated the same but they are not at the moment because his dc have their own space and her dc do not.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
there's your answer

you could ask all 3 to move out as you did suggest earlier @Thisisfortyish until things change

It's not the answer

Saving up for home ownership at the age of 23 shouldn’t be a priority right now. The stepson should move out and learn to live independently and manage his own finances first. Not sure his credit file will be up to getting a mortgage anyway lol if he doesn’t pay any bills!

The priority here is that there aren’t enough bedrooms in the house. So for that, he needs to move out. Especially as he’s not paying rent.

You say you wouldn’t ask your own kids to move out OP, but I assume in this scenario you’d at least be asking them to pay rent?

Realistically, is he earning enough to buy somewhere? The housing market is a nightmare at the moment because of the interest rates on mortgages.

You've said yourself you wouldn't ask your bio children to move out so why your ss?

@dearanon hes not a stepson and his finances are not OPs problem. She’s allowing her kids to be bullied in their own home just to facilitate her having a boyfriend. It needs to stop.

He's 23 and working full time. I can't believe people think you owe it to him to house him indefinitely.

He's also immature and causing problems, it will be a great life experience for him to move into a share house, pay his own way and learn to get along with people instead of antagonising them.

Give him notice and see it through.

https://m.spareroom.co.uk/

Also get him to have a search on here. I found a lovely flatmate to live with for 3 years on here.

It’s unbelievable hard to get a rental at 23 and facing being homeless I’d be terrified

I think I’ll all come to a head and be sorted by your partner moving out wether your relationship survives is another thing
if was SS I think it would damage my relationship with my dad massively and SD is probably thinking she’ll be next out on her arse

Are bills /rent and chores spilt 3 ways? At 23 he isn't a dc being raised by his dps.. He needs to be pulling his weight.. Or ship out.

I'd be telling the DP, his kids and everything that concerns them to move out this month.
Bollocks to all that.

I can see both sides. I think it’s unreasonable to expect your dc s to share whilst step children get their own rooms, in a house that’s yours. I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place. However, if I was your partner, I wouldn’t appreciate my son being served notice to move out either and would be seeking accommodation for myself and them.

While I disagree altogether with blended families and I acknowledge I am in the minority and I have not and will never have a blended family situation, I think the op is very much in the wrong. Presumably you wanted and welcomed your boyfriend and his children to move in and are now going back on that. It seems very unfair to them all especially as you say your boyfriend is paying the rent and bills.

You don't say how long you and this current boyfriend have lived together but I am wondering what it was you were expecting to happen when they all moved in to your home with your blessing as it were. It seems to me you have been very blinkered and short sighted when it comes to your own home and you and your children's future.

But if SS was your own child, you would have bought a house large enough to accommodate all your children so they had a room each anyway, so this particular problem wouldn't have arisen in the first place.

If it was her own child, she could make him stop tormenting the younger boys. But, being her SS, unless she has discipline "rights" over him, and it sounds like she hasn't since the tormenting has been going on for a long time, she can only do what she can to make her own DS's next few years more enjoyable.

would you though? with 4 children, that is a big house

Well done OP!

Sorry, I'm on the side of your family, @Thisisfortyish, I'd make arrangements with your partner for him to maintain a separate household with his own children. You should not be having to pay extra yourself for his adult children's accommodation, it's up to him to provide it for himself and them, not to rely on you. That's unfair.