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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 07/09/2023 08:03

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

Do you own this house or do you rent? What % does your DP pay? If they move out, can you handle the payments on your own? Where is your DP's ex (mother of DSC)? Why can't they live with her? How long have you all lived together?

Your boys deserve to have time in their own rooms. They've had to share and should get a chance to each have their own space.

Aprilx · 07/09/2023 08:06

I think when you decided to live together, your house became home to your partner and his children and if you weren’t prepared to accept that this is their home, then you should not have blended in the first place. You are acting like they are lodgers.

So no, you should not ask step son to move out if you would not do the same to your own child, lots of 23 year olds live with a parent in 2023. You and your partner should have made sure you had enough space for the family before you decided to live together.

If I were your partner, I would move out and end this relationship after what you have asked him to do. I had pretty dreadful parents myself but even I can’t imagine them telling me I had to move out (although I did, voluntarily, around this age).

Lilithlogic · 07/09/2023 08:08

Is it an absolute necessity that your partner lives with you. Would it not be easier for him to rent his own place for his son and him, then he could just stay over on occasion

Thatsshallot1967 · 07/09/2023 08:11

Aprilx agree with most of your first paragraph however there are now issues in that her children need their own rooms and there is disharmony in the house when this young man is at home, causing unhappiness with her children. Op, hope you get it sorted.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 08:11

OP said her kids need a space to escape the man she moved in to their home. Appalling parenting. The boyfriend and his offspring should never have been moved in, they can house themselves and OP can date the boyfriend if she feels the need.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 08:12

You agree it’s shitty but still want to carry on

these are your partners children, how would you feel if it was reversed and he wanted you to kick your child out?

have a family meeting, set some rules, or yes ask him to leave, if I was your partner I would be going as well

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 07/09/2023 08:14

I'm kind of getting the impression that in standard MN vocabulary, the OP's partner is acting as a cocklodger, on his own and his children's behalves. Absolutely outrageous that they should expect the OP to pay rental on another property herself in order to accommodate them, when she already has a place of her own for her family and her partner and his kids moved in and took over, by the sound of it - albeit paying rent. (If I've understood what is going on correctly.)

Nightsku · 07/09/2023 08:14

Nice to see someone actually putting their own kids first instead of bowing down to adult step kids who live rent free

Nightsku · 07/09/2023 08:15

Also shocked he expects you to pay rental when you have a property already.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2023 08:18

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/09/2023 02:53

Your partner wants to rent so they have room, thats fine.

You dont, you want to stay in your home with your kids. Also fine.

Do that.

He moves out with his kids, you stay in your home with yours. Non negotiable and three months notice. He is happy to pay rent somewhere else? Good because thats what he is going to have to do. They are doing this as you are letting them.

100% this.

Your partner along with his adult kids move out of your home and find somewhere else to live.

Your partner is putting his kids first (which is what you're doing with your kids). Perhaps when all of the kids have grown up and flown the nest would you be in a position to move in together and have a single household together.

Until then, having separate houses/flats/apartments appears to be the only way to go.

MumblesParty · 07/09/2023 08:18

KVick · 07/09/2023 06:59

I don't know how this "partner" - with his adult offspring - weaseled his way into Op's house, but she needs to boot the whole lot of them out!

He pays rent. Are you saying all renters have “weaselled their way” into houses, and that they have no rights or input into how that house is run?

RedPony1 · 07/09/2023 08:24

You shouldnt have agreed to live together if you weren't planning on somehow being able to have a home full of ALL the children until their late 20's.

I'd never have been able to move out at 23 even working full time. Not a chance. My mum would never ever have made me either!

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 07/09/2023 08:27

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

This is the crux of it for me

BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 08:27

MariaVT65 · 07/09/2023 07:47

Saving up for home ownership at the age of 23 shouldn’t be a priority right now. The stepson should move out and learn to live independently and manage his own finances first. Not sure his credit file will be up to getting a mortgage anyway lol if he doesn’t pay any bills!

The priority here is that there aren’t enough bedrooms in the house. So for that, he needs to move out. Especially as he’s not paying rent.

Show quote history

I am not saying OP should house him, I am saying his father should if he can - I think partner and his children should be moving out together.

23 is priority for saving for a mortgage, given it takes 5-10 years saving right now

GabriellaMontez · 07/09/2023 08:29

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:24

I wouldn’t expect him to share with his sister. I’m only saying my kids will be having a room each. I will leave the rest up to them to work out.

You've done the right thing. Prioritise your children. They don't have a choice.

The adult men need to start fixing this problem. It's not for you and your children to subsidise your sds.

GabriellaMontez · 07/09/2023 08:31

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

But letting him stay is shitty for her own.

Especially as he 'torments' them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 08:33

Why can’t he live in a house share with other young people?
it’s not like it has to be either buy your own house or live with your parents for years.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/09/2023 08:36

Was this your house before they all moved in? Presumably a 4-bed house? Did your boys have their own rooms then but had to share when you moved 3 new people in?

Your DP is being a sick trying to bargain with you about your own home. That would made me want to move all three of them out.

Dascha · 07/09/2023 08:39

Explore with your partner why his 50/50 idea is so offensive to you. Do you feel he's been sponging off you for years, especially with his own DC having 2 of the bedrooms? Is he not managing his children's behaviour which makes you all living with them too fraught?

Amazing how the fact it's your house drives the power dynamic so completely. I'm not saying you're wrong, you need to protect your kids, but it is a challenging mix with the concepts of home, raising kids and partnership. Blending families is just horribly difficult. It does seem harsh that if your parent owns a house you get to live there, but if they only rent from their long term partner you get an eviction notice! You are saying it's because of his behaviour but if it were your own child you'd address that rather than deciding unilaterally that they need to move out. It sounds like the relationship with your partner is broken down to the extent that you are invoking your trump card of owning the house.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/09/2023 08:41

His son can rent a room in a house share. That's what most people do as young professionals until they are in a position to rent a place of their own.

cheesetoastybut · 07/09/2023 08:44

I cannot understand how your DSS thinks it’s not fair to pay rent at 23… he’s a working man. Even if it’s token he should be contributing something, plus doing some chores. And saving for a deposit.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 08:45

It's perfectly normal in a household with 4+ children and less rooms than that for there to not be an expectation that the eldest will stay living there into adulthood - the expectation is that they will move out and a younger child will take their room. Your DP should have anticipated that - don't feel bad that you wouldn't want to do the same with your kids, you made an informed decision based on your DC being the youngest, he did not. I think it's unreasonable of him to have assumed his eldest would be able to stay at home this long.

He is 23 and working. Less than 10 years ago (so not in bygone days when life was cheap) I was living with my DP and about to have my first DC at that age. Yes that's just one example but it's really not unthinkable for him to not be living at home. Add to that that he's unpleasant to live with - I expect adults living at home to act like adults and be polite and pleasant. This is the standard I held myself to at that age, I can't abide 23 year olds continuing to act like teenagers. Yes they might stay at home longer than they used to for financial reasons but that's no excuse to be immature.

Your DPs suggestions all take the piss and benefit him unduly. I would say either his son needs to move out in the next few months, with him deciding for himself whether he wants to contribute to that as long as it doesn't affect his bill paying at home, or you live separately for the time being.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 07/09/2023 08:46

@Dascha, yes but if it were her own child behaving so badly, she would already have been able to address it directly herself, doubtless in no uncertain terms. As it is, she is actually dealing with a tenant whose rent is paid for by her own partner, which as you say, makes the situation very different and more difficult, I'd have thought.

Jarstastic · 07/09/2023 08:46

I’m not sure what’s going on with extending adolescence in the UK. He’s 23. He should be a grown man. Putting the steps in motion to have his own family. Not living at home, tormenting younger boys. A parents job is to turn out a fully functioning adult, not enable them to live like a child. It’s not doing them any favours.

It’s another thing helping them save up a deposit for a mortgage but let’s face it many of them are spending money on fripperies whilst living at home for free or little money (OP even mentions the 23-year olds father is covering their ‘rent’ and they are not paying their father, how will they learn adults need to pay their way).

OP your teen boys need their own rooms. They’ve shared for long enough. Teen boys also seem to get particularly stroppy at 15.

you say you wouldn’t ask your own sons to leave at 23. You may feel differently by then.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 08:50

Believe it or not, I’m not holding my partner hostage. He is free to live here like he has done for many years or to move out.

Yes it’s definitely double standards, if my child was the oldest I would ask them all to leave so they had their own room.

If it was my partners house and the situation was reversed I would move out.

It’s up to my partner what he does, but his son won’t have a bedroom. I would put a caravan out the front of the behaviour wasn’t an issue. As the boys are getting older it’s getting worse, ss has always stirred them, but now the boys push back and all hell breaks loose.

Their mum isn’t in the picture.

When we discussed how to handle this year’s ago renting a bigger house was affordable.

Have I answered everything?

OP posts: