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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2023 03:52

Oh dear. I hope you get him to leave pretty soon. This doesn’t sound like fun for anyone.

Is your partner helping you to address this now?

Relaxd · 22/10/2023 04:54

For a start perhaps remove the word step and then consider the fairest approach. It isn’t unrealistic to expect a 23 year old to move on but many many adult kids are still at home nowadays well into their 20s sadly so it isn’t that unusual. I grew up in a perfectly fine blended family - the key was that we were all treated the same by both parents although I’m sure at the time I didn’t like it including sharing a room with a step sibling until I went to uni. All this advice to live separately etc because you can’t work this out together, is almost certainly from people who still have grudges from their own childhood and have yet to experience anything similar themselves as adults! I’m sure they’d all be perfect lol.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 22/10/2023 05:08

I wonder why SD gets the biggest room when surely your own DS's would be better off in there as you could then, possibly, put a divider in there and make it 2 separate parts if not 2 rooms?!
Then SD gets next biggest and SS the smallest!
SS is never going to move out while he gas it so cushty at home. Doesn't pay rent, that you know of, picks on the other children but can't take it himself, barely helps around the house - what is his room like?
Does he take friends and GF or BF to his room - I'd nip that in the bud. Tell him to get his own place if he wants to do that!!
Why should you pay his rent? Didn't you say he has a job?
By all means, help him get moved out, help with a deposit but make sure YOU are not a guarantor, make that your DP job!!
He doesn't need a whole house to himself, he could get a bedsit and get used to paying his way by starting off small!!!

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 22/10/2023 05:10

Or, do you have a garage you could convert into a bedsit? On the guarantee that he pay rent and buy his own food etc!

pythonny · 22/10/2023 05:38

Since DP is already paying rent for both his kids (and himself?) to stay in your house, why wouldn't he just move out and pay rent elsewhere? By the way, did you also charge DP rent for his kids when they were younger? Wow!

Nanaof1 · 22/10/2023 06:27

pythonny · 22/10/2023 05:38

Since DP is already paying rent for both his kids (and himself?) to stay in your house, why wouldn't he just move out and pay rent elsewhere? By the way, did you also charge DP rent for his kids when they were younger? Wow!

Probably because he would pay a LOT more in rent if he moved out. It's her house, what, you think the DP shouldn't have to pay anything? LOL! FFS

Nanaof1 · 22/10/2023 06:45

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 22/10/2023 05:08

I wonder why SD gets the biggest room when surely your own DS's would be better off in there as you could then, possibly, put a divider in there and make it 2 separate parts if not 2 rooms?!
Then SD gets next biggest and SS the smallest!
SS is never going to move out while he gas it so cushty at home. Doesn't pay rent, that you know of, picks on the other children but can't take it himself, barely helps around the house - what is his room like?
Does he take friends and GF or BF to his room - I'd nip that in the bud. Tell him to get his own place if he wants to do that!!
Why should you pay his rent? Didn't you say he has a job?
By all means, help him get moved out, help with a deposit but make sure YOU are not a guarantor, make that your DP job!!
He doesn't need a whole house to himself, he could get a bedsit and get used to paying his way by starting off small!!!

You really need to start reading the whole thread. smdh

The OP's sons already have the big room. It is NOT big enough to put a divider in there. The OPs sons have always shared a room since her DP and his DC moved in. It is past time for each boy to have their own room.
OP and her DP talked about renting a bigger house so they can all have their own room but DP isn't willing to pay the larger share of that, even though it is to benefit his DS. His DS is a poorly behaved 23-yr.-old wanker who wants the world dumped at his feet. He won't pay rent, does the bare minimum around the house and picks fights with the OP's sons.
It is the OP's house, through and through and DP has no claim to it.

You can finish reading the whole thread or at the very least, the "see all" button to read the OP's posts on the matter.

Nanaof1 · 22/10/2023 06:51

Thisisfortyish · 22/10/2023 03:39

Still looking at possible shared accommodation. The behaviour has gone down hill rapidly.

I am sorry that you are still dealing with your SS behavior. Has your DP come up with any solutions? Maybe he and you SS need to get their own place until SS can grow the F up. Honestly, it sounds as though your DP is babying him and your DPs refusal to pay more in rent to move to a bigger place sounds dodgy as all heck. He wants the benefits for HIS DC without paying the cost, especially when you have a home that fits you and your DC perfectly and a SD that fits in so well. The outlier here is your SS and the inability of your DP to hold him responsible for his behavior.

Your DSs deserve their own room. They will have very few years left to have a bit of privacy and peace from their SB.

Please give us more insights and updates when possible, as many of us are still thinking about you and hoping for resolution.

MadeFrom100percentPears · 22/10/2023 07:27

I'm in the camp with those suggesting partner and his kids all move into their own rental and you enjoy your newly spacious home with your two sons. A bedroom each and no antagonism from the other children. Bliss.

Wheredidyougonow · 22/10/2023 07:47

I can't believe that as a mother, you allowed your 14yo ds's to share a room in a house that you OWN. You clearly put this man ahead of your own children. The whole lot of them need to move out if it means giving YOUR kids the right to have freedom and space in their own home and not to be bullied by another adult. As a mother you really have not done right by your kids.

AluckyEllie · 22/10/2023 07:53

@Thisisfortyish if his behaviour is that bad he will get evicted from a shared house. You need to kick him out- are there other relatives he can stay with for a bit? Grandparents/friends etc? If he refuses or your partner refuses you need to get them both to leave, your DP and SS. It is your house and your sons are the ones being made to suffer. Put them first and make it clear they are your priority.
It sounds like you DP understands his son is an entitled shit, it might give him the push to get him out.

pythonny · 22/10/2023 08:39

Nanaof1 · 22/10/2023 06:27

Probably because he would pay a LOT more in rent if he moved out. It's her house, what, you think the DP shouldn't have to pay anything? LOL! FFS

Show quote history

How other people live their lives is up to them but I don't think I could ever live with a husband/partner who charged me and my kids rent for the privilege of living with him. But it's very individual, isn't it? Clearly we have different standards/values and that's fine!

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 22/10/2023 10:01

His behaviour is terrible. He has a month and has to move out regardless of having somewhere to go. He won’t be coming back when there is another bedroom for him. It’s pretty much what was said above, he really is a poorly behaved wanker that wants to world dumped at his feet.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/10/2023 12:28

Wheredidyougonow · 22/10/2023 07:47

I can't believe that as a mother, you allowed your 14yo ds's to share a room in a house that you OWN. You clearly put this man ahead of your own children. The whole lot of them need to move out if it means giving YOUR kids the right to have freedom and space in their own home and not to be bullied by another adult. As a mother you really have not done right by your kids.

Believe it.

It's a regular theme on MN.

Women with little emotional attachment to their children, happy to do anything and everything to keep whatever loser user they have moved into their home happy.

When I read of the low contact, no contact tales from posters with parents that similarly chose a partner over their own children, I applaud them.

As these children grow into adults they view the awful choices their parents made against their best interests and they rightly judge them very harshly.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 12:46

It's your house, but everyone's home.

If you wouldn't treat your children in the same way I think it says a lot about you.

I can't imagine ever kicking my children out.

CliantheLang · 22/10/2023 20:21

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 12:46

It's your house, but everyone's home.

If you wouldn't treat your children in the same way I think it says a lot about you.

I can't imagine ever kicking my children out.

Sigh...

The little shit is - thankfully - not her child. OP owes him nothing.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 22:37

@CliantheLang if it makes any difference , I have an 18 year old step son and couldn't do it to him either. He has lived with me full time since he was 9.

You sound a bit mean.

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 22:40

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 22/10/2023 22:37

@CliantheLang if it makes any difference , I have an 18 year old step son and couldn't do it to him either. He has lived with me full time since he was 9.

You sound a bit mean.

Have you allowed him bully and torment your children in THEIR home?

HazelDean · 22/10/2023 23:07

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 22:40

Have you allowed him bully and torment your children in THEIR home?

Show quote history

Exactly. These people calling the OP mean seem to forget that the step son in question is a fully grown adult (for 5 years now) who seems to have no problem bullying her sons and not respecting house rules. Even if it was my bio child I would still kick them out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2023 23:12

I’d ask all three of them to move out tbh. Your partner and his adult kids.

No way would anyone be tormenting my kids in my house.

LolaSmiles · 22/10/2023 23:18

Exactly. These people calling the OP mean seem to forget that the step son in question is a fully grown adult (for 5 years now) who seems to have no problem bullying her sons and not respecting house rules. Even if it was my bio child I would still kick them out
This.
I suspect we can also predict what will happen if and when he's told to find his own place: he'll find himself a girlfriend who has low self esteem and a low bar for men, find a way to move in with her, and become a cocklodger.

Maddy70 · 22/10/2023 23:20

They are still young. It's not like ot was qgeb we were young. It's almost impossible for them to move out. It's simply unaffordable (usually!)

I'm so glad my step-parents cared enough about me not to throw me out because they didn't want me to live there Any longer.....

Part of loving someone with children is accepting they have baggage.

You don't sound very nice tbh

HazelDean · 22/10/2023 23:23

Maddy70 · 22/10/2023 23:20

They are still young. It's not like ot was qgeb we were young. It's almost impossible for them to move out. It's simply unaffordable (usually!)

I'm so glad my step-parents cared enough about me not to throw me out because they didn't want me to live there Any longer.....

Part of loving someone with children is accepting they have baggage.

You don't sound very nice tbh

How is 23 young? A couple of generations ago most people would be married and have children at that age. We are infantilizing adults these days. I appreciate that cost of living is a factor but it is not an issue in this case as his dad has offered to pay his son's rent in a new place. Did you bully your step siblings when you were in your 20s?

Rainbowstripes · 22/10/2023 23:37

My Mum and Stepdad were always really clear that when I wasn't moving back in after University - my 2 sisters were also at the age where they needed their own space and ultimately I was an adult and there wasn't enough rooms. They helped me with the deposit on my first rented flat and from there it was on me - I'm not going to pretend that I was never a little bit jealous of my friends who were able to live at home rent free and save but in the long run I grew up much quicker and am a lot more independent than these friends and have a great relationship with my family (arguable better than when I lived with them). At 23 it's his time to move out - he's a working adult who will still be getting more support than a lot of people his age.

Love51 · 13/05/2024 17:18

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