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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
marblesthecat · 07/09/2023 08:51

Both your DP and SS sound incredibly entitled. Why should he live rent free in your home when he is working FT when it is negatively affecting your own DC? I would have absolutely HATED sharing a room at that age so I have great sympathy for your DSs. I get that things are a bit more expensive but I moved out at 21 just over a decade ago and even before then I paid board to my parents. It sounds as if your DP infantilizes him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 08:56

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:25

Sorry I also should have mentioned it’s my house. My partner pays rent and towards the bills.

It's your house and your children share but his get their own rooms?

Hmmm I wouldn't be having that.

I would say 'dp by x date I want ds to have their own rooms each. What do you want to do about dss ? Would you like to move somewhere with him and dsd and help him out financially (instead of paying rent to him) or ask him to move into a roommate situation that you help him out with?

vivainsomnia · 07/09/2023 08:56

If after many years with a partner, sharing the cost of living and paying 50%'rent', or maybe towards the mortgage and they still referred to the house as being 'their' rather than 'ours', and talking about eviction, I'd be the one moving out asap.

Yes it might be your house legally but surely it is your joint home and decisions need to be taken together. He has a right to want his son to still live at home.

I think your OH would indeed be better moving out, and get his son to contribute towards the rent of their new place.

rainbowstardrops · 07/09/2023 09:03

Well that's certainly a tricky situation! Of course your teenagers could do with a room of their own but I can also see how SS will feel like he's being pushed out. Having said that, I'd have thought he'd love to get his own little flat or whatever! Easier said than done though right now.
You said about putting a caravan in the front garden but you're reluctant to because of his behaviour. Is it just low level winding up of your boys that can be addressed, or much more serious?
I think ultimately, it's your house and your children's needs have changed and so it's down to your partner how he supports his children to potentially move on.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 09:04

Can you explain why the man has been allowed to bully your children in their own home? Why they're being put in a situation they have to 'push back'' from?

That's the only relevant thing, the grown mens housing demands are their issue to figure out.

Ragwort · 07/09/2023 09:05

It's not 'unbelievably hard' for most young people to rent these days .. yes of course it's hard for anyone to rent a lovely 2 bed flat or whatever but as a PP pointed out there are plenty of rooms on SpareRoom.com, my 20 year old DS had to move for his 'sandwich' year and found a decent room in a house share (with en suite). Unless you live in the back of beyond there is quite a bit of availability.

Carouselfish · 07/09/2023 09:06

Why not say to older ds that as your sons now need their own rooms you have to rent somewhere bigger so he will need to contribute to rent as he is an employed adult now. Then, if he doesn't like it he may well choose to rent somewhere alone/with flatmates instead.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/09/2023 09:07

vivainsomnia · 07/09/2023 08:56

If after many years with a partner, sharing the cost of living and paying 50%'rent', or maybe towards the mortgage and they still referred to the house as being 'their' rather than 'ours', and talking about eviction, I'd be the one moving out asap.

Yes it might be your house legally but surely it is your joint home and decisions need to be taken together. He has a right to want his son to still live at home.

I think your OH would indeed be better moving out, and get his son to contribute towards the rent of their new place.

But surely you'd have actually pooled resources and bought a new larger house that suited everyone?

Instead the 'D'P has decided to abdicate that responsibility entirely to the OP. It's a less obvious form of cocklodging, where at least he pays rent but he isn't taking any real responsibility for the 'partnership' but expects the OP to sort out all his life problems. That would cause me to lose a lot of respect for him personally.

cherryscola · 07/09/2023 09:11

OP I appreciate you wanting to do the right thing by all of your kids but at this point, the 23 year old is being put first over you two 14 year old sons.

Me and my older brother both knew at some point we would have to move out of our mums house as we had two younger sisters who used to fight all the time and we knew they would eventually need the extra room. We were adults, we both worked, neither one of us had any help at all actually in moving out. We had to save our own money to get deposits for our rented places.

Time for the 23 year old to grow up - and yes I am very aware of how tough it is as I am still in my twenties myself but it seems your SS is in a much more privileged position than I was in terms of having help.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 09:15

The tormenting was just winding them up. Nothing serious, it was more the frequency that was a problem. DP and I pulled ss up on it many times. The last year it is getting worse as when ss winds one of them up they wind ss up back. But ss can give it but can’t take it and then they argue.

I suggested renting a bigger house and have ss pay the extra that I would have had to pay but DP said no because ss wouldn’t pay it. He is happy to give ss money towards accommodation.

We don’t pool our resources, I always make sure my kids have what they need and dp does for his kids.

DP is trying to sort the issue, he is also sick of the arguing. His daughter is lovely. She can stay and they can all go. She is getting the biggest bedroom.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 07/09/2023 09:16

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

Definitely this. Are you a family or not?

blackbeardsballsack · 07/09/2023 09:17

Dascha · 07/09/2023 08:39

Explore with your partner why his 50/50 idea is so offensive to you. Do you feel he's been sponging off you for years, especially with his own DC having 2 of the bedrooms? Is he not managing his children's behaviour which makes you all living with them too fraught?

Amazing how the fact it's your house drives the power dynamic so completely. I'm not saying you're wrong, you need to protect your kids, but it is a challenging mix with the concepts of home, raising kids and partnership. Blending families is just horribly difficult. It does seem harsh that if your parent owns a house you get to live there, but if they only rent from their long term partner you get an eviction notice! You are saying it's because of his behaviour but if it were your own child you'd address that rather than deciding unilaterally that they need to move out. It sounds like the relationship with your partner is broken down to the extent that you are invoking your trump card of owning the house.

What power dynamic? The DP's 2 adult kids each have their own bedrooms and OP's kids don't. Some power dynamic.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/09/2023 09:18

I agree with the previous poster, who said you're letting two men dictate what happens in your own home.

Why are you doing this?

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 09:18

Robotalkingrubbish · 07/09/2023 03:46

When my son moved back in after uni, I actively encouraged him to look for his own place. This in spite of the fact that he and I were close and got on. I don’t think you do your adult children any favours by letting them settle into the family home again, as adults. They’ve just spent three or four years leaving to fend for themselves and it’s actually better for them to continue their independence. My son got a flat with three others, he was much happier doing that than living with me. I was happy as well, as I got my freedom back. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging your grown up kids to move on into the adult world. Don’t feel guilty @Thisisfortyish and do remember that although you couldn’t think of apply this to your own children, when they are adults things change.

I guess my kids are lucky then.

After living away from home/uni for a a few years, DC1 moved home. They're saving to buy their own place and my contribution is to put a roof over their head until they can afford to do that.

DC2 graduated last summer and also came home. Working in a min wage job but is going to do a uni course abroad.

DC3 is living at home while in uni.

They will always have a home with us any time they ever need it.

I think your partner should move out with his children. You don't want his kids there.

I'd have been gutted if I'd been unwelcome in my parents' home when I was 23.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 09:19

You have really let your children down with your choice to put your partner and his children ahead of them..

Moving a man and his children in.

Your partner bullys you.

His son torments your children.

In your home.

In your childrens home.

Your partner cares only for his children and takes two bedrooms.

While your children share.

Your poor children putting up with this for years.

You have been subsidising his children for years.

Your poor children.

ParentingSolo · 07/09/2023 09:25

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 02:05

Sharing resources in multigenerational households conserves money & leads to prosperity.

Reorganize the household but don't make anyone move.

Are you married?

Nonsense! It creates co-dependency and feckless young adults who haven't a clue how to be independent

pontipinemum · 07/09/2023 09:28

I don't think 3 months is a god time frame. It's long enough that he won't bother his arse looking for 2 months, then if he is struggling to find somewhere you are the monster for pushing him out into a house he doesn't really like 'at Christmas time' next thing you know you are still having this convo in Feb.

I'd say 6 weeks to find somewhere is more than enough time.

It's the tormenting your sons really is off.

I'm early 30s I still have friends living with their parents (1 is saving for a deposit after renting for years, 1 just bought and is renovating) it is great to offer those opportunities to your kids if the are reasonable to live with.

It sounds like a strange enough set up with your DP, are you with him a long time? You nearly sound like two adults who have chosen to live together and independently raise your kids under the same roof.

ParentingSolo · 07/09/2023 09:28

You're going to write a formal eviction notice to your own partner?!

Caroparo52 · 07/09/2023 09:28

Your jouse. Your rules
Glad you said in 3 months your dss will have a room each. Seems like kike your DP is being intentionally

Creamandcookies · 07/09/2023 09:30

I moved out at 21. So he sure can move out at 23.
If he wasn't a PITA he probably could've stayed.

14 year boys can definitely share a room until they move out though but I understand you wanting them to have their own room, given its your house.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 07/09/2023 09:31

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 02:05

Sharing resources in multigenerational households conserves money & leads to prosperity.

Reorganize the household but don't make anyone move.

Are you married?

I agree with this - switch it up and make the best use of the space and not the societal norms. E.g. it’s ok to use the lounge/dining room/master bedroom etc for bedrooms/kids bedrooms.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 09:32

Teateaandmoretea · 07/09/2023 09:07

But surely you'd have actually pooled resources and bought a new larger house that suited everyone?

Instead the 'D'P has decided to abdicate that responsibility entirely to the OP. It's a less obvious form of cocklodging, where at least he pays rent but he isn't taking any real responsibility for the 'partnership' but expects the OP to sort out all his life problems. That would cause me to lose a lot of respect for him personally.

Show quote history

I just want you to reread the second paragraph of the post I’ve quoted op.

You’ve helped your dp for years and years by providing a cheaper place to rent than if he were on his own.

I understand it was originally a mutually reciprocal relationship but your “dp” has now shown how he really thinks many time over. He sounds to be an entitled man, who is bringing up an entitled son.

I’m not surprised you’re fed up. I would seriously be asking yourself whether you want this relationship to continue. Then you can work out how you play it with your dsd, as you feel as though she could potentially stay.

All of these people saying you wouldn’t treat your children the same are way off the mark. You’ve just admitted you’d ask a 23 yo to move out to protect your younger two. I’d do the same.

Caroparo52 · 07/09/2023 09:32

sorry to continue .... intentionally fucking awkward slow to grasp the situation because he's got it very cushy at present and your own dc are suffering as a result.
Grow that backbone op and kick arse.

AnIndianWoman · 07/09/2023 09:35

You haven’t mentioned the DSD at all. What kind of support does she provide (you may have to take notice of it as a lot of stuff girls do is invisible). If she’s giving you free childcare (even for short periods), helping with chores and shopping, and your DP is paying her rent, then she shouldn’t have to suffer just because of your problems with DS.

SunRainStorm · 07/09/2023 09:36

A 23 year old shouldn't be equally annoying' as a 14 year old. He should have grown the fuck up by now, not tormenting and squabbling with children ten years younger than himself.

Kick him out, it will be the making of him.