To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

[Noisettegelato]

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

football = childish in the extreme.

leave him.

I think you have been really sensible getting a dog as you can now see it’s unlikely your partner is good as a life partner.

If you want a time consuming hobby - and I do think this is the only way he will get it - I’d take up marathon training, ultra marathons (if you are already pretty fit), cycling or golf. Or hiking trips with a group, where they organise trips away. You could also volunteer for guiding or scouts and ensure you take those kids camping regularly or litter pick etc 😁. Voluntary work with a youth group or join a drama group and a church choir.

It is the only way he might change. At the moment with no plans he can see you as being petty but when you diary has every other weekend away plus two evening hobby’s and a voluntary role it will make or break you.

I know - football supporters are adult toddlers

Isn’t it just @LaDamaDeElche!!!
You’d be forgiven for thinking that the OP’s partner had committed a heinous crime the way some posters are going on!

There’s nothing wrong with following a football team. I think OP, you just need to have a discussion with him about making compromises.

I was agreeing with the OP that it was too much. The having to watch on TV with no disturbance and booking to go away on her bday is what I was referring to. The rest of it sounds relatively normal, unless special occasions have to be forfeited for football. I think as they don't have kids it's not as bad, but I can't see him changing when they do. I love watching tennis on tv but wouldn't expect no disturbances and definitely wouldn't prioritise it above DP's bday.

Sorry I misunderstood, but I do actually agree with you about the leaving of functions and no disturbances so that he can watch a match. That’s where he could surely make compromises.

The rest, as you say, is quite normal. Some PP’s responses though would suggest not

I hope your plans don't include children. You know what would happen then.

He's a selfish sod.
DH has always supported a premier team but would never think of leaving a function early. If the match is being televised then we record it.
I don't know how you put up with him OP.
I'd kick his arse

You need to have a talk with him. A puppy is like a baby so you're getting a sneak preview of what life with him and a child would be like - he'd bugger off to football whenever he feels like it and he'd expect you to keep the house (and baby) quiet when he's watching football too.

I don't agree with a PP who said you should have worked out how to look after the puppy round your DP's schedule. Ffs it's not your job. You're a couple who got a puppy together. You shouldn't have become the default human and your DP shouldn't have agreed to a puppy if he can't be arsed to look after it jointly.

For a sense of perspective, I know lots of guys who follow football, go to matches, watch games, play in a local team. I've even dated some. None of them let it monopolise their life, once they were in a relationship, to the extent your DP is. Your DP needs to grow up and you need to speak up.

Heaven forbid your partner should have a hobby outside your bubble. I can’t actually believe what I’m reading… you knew this of him when you bought the dog, if you didn’t want to be solely responsible for 26 hours a month you shouldn’t have got it. Yes you are being selfish, clingy and unreasonable. Learn from this & please do not have childrens.

I’m sorry but from your post it does give the impression that you’re being a bit of a wet blanket about it but also being unreasonable. Rather than outright saying “I want to spend time with you, can we make some plans” whilst also focussing on finding your own hobbies so your not so dependent on your partner you seem to be using the dog as a bit of a hold against him

So the way I see it you’ve got two options here…

Option 1: Leave! Going away to watch a match once a month when you don’t have kids doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. However the expectation of watching every match and plans having to be made around to accommodate this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

But then I don’t watch football or any sport tbh and find the whole thing a bit bizarre but each to there own!

Option 2: The second option is to start prioritising and making space for yourself. If he gets a weekend away - so do you
If you want to plan to do something - do it
If you want to have meaningful time with your partner - arrange it

It will come to the time when things clash, at which time, it all comes down to compromises and making sure that it is fairly split. If neither you or your partner are willing to do that - go back to option 1

I would really advise against having any children until you resolve this because it seems to be the start of a really unhealthy situation for you both

Sorry I misunderstood, but I do actually agree with you about the leaving of functions and no disturbances so that he can watch a match. That’s where he could surely make compromises I think that's the crux of the problem in so many relationships - the inability (usually of one person) to compromise. I personally find making compromises pretty easy because I see it as fair. Meeting in the middle is part of life, but sadly too many people just aren't prepared to do that.

‘My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.’

Give it seems you’ve been together a while (long enough to have a dog) - This should tell you exactly what he thinks of you.

If you get married or have children, this won’t change. You’ll all always come second and if anything it might intensify if he decides it’s his get out of family life card.

Do yourself the biggest favour and end this sooner rather than later.

I'm betting he's a Man Utd or Liverpool fan. So, that makes the whole thing even worse.

Obsessive football fans are v annoying

His hobby sounds healthy to me for someone who doesn't have a child. I think the issue here is that you are starting to resent him as you don't have a hobby yourself (from the sounds of it?) And therefore always looking after the dog.

It sounds like the issue is more around the dog and how it is restricting your plans. How old is the dog? Surely the dog can be left for more than 2 hours, it shouldn't need constant entertainment. Your Partner also needs to be more responsible for your dog, if you are looking after it when he is on his football away days, then he should definitely doing his bit when you need time for yourself . If he won't do this then his behaviour is selfish and I'd think hard about having a child with someone like this, but I don't think the football is a big issue.

My Mum used to say "They don't give annulments for cricket". My Dad used to play football and cricket but ended up playing cricket all year around, sometimes up to three times a week. He also watched it at all levels and listened to iron the radio. I guess you just learn to accept it or live with it. She was very proud when he ended up playing at County level and got his Over-50s England call-up though...

Apart from the birthday stupidity, it doesn't sound like he sees them play every single week like some do. I think your idea of getting a hobby of your own might be a good one - or just learn to enjoy the weekends to yourself. I deliberately married someone who doesn't play or watch cricket or football...

Don't have kids with him. A man who is father material would be able to look after the puppy and watch the football at the same time.

Or would at least take the puppy with him to his family visit when you have an exam to study for.

But that’s the entire crux of it - he clearly isn’t willing to compromise in any way.

His entire life revolves around football. Football is his number one priority, bar nothing.

He will even prioritise football over his partner’s birthday.

This is not a man who is up for compromising.

The football is by the by. What people are taking issue with is his selfishness, thoughtlessness and double standards (he’d happily look after the puppy for 13 hours - yeah, right).

The actual football is a red herring.

I literally could have written this myself, except I’m a cricket widow, so every Saturday from May to September and then skittles every Monday night in winter,we have two kids and he works full time, I work 5-6 days per week, around 34 hours. I’ve literally had enough and have started doing some digging into my options. I’ve tried discussing our issues so many times but he’s like a brick wall, just won’t even argue back 😭

He played skittles on my birthday one year (before kids). Wish I’d seen the signs of things to come.

My partner does exactly this except he spends 12/13 hours out of the house watching every home match for a team relatively close to our home AND we have a young child. He comes in pissed out of his head a lot of the time after a full day out of the house at football.
He always fits in watching away matches into everything we do, if there's a family meal (his family) he'll be watching his phone the whole time. He's ruined social occasions because of it. He asks me to take DD out of the way when away matches are on or he gets in a bad mood. I know a lot about football as it's basically all I ever watch. The men at work are impressed 😆

To be fair he was always a bit like this and it's my own fault for settling with him.
Seriously, take my advice, and run while you can. It's a shit life I can tell you.

I feel your pain OP! I'm a rugby widow (though nowhere to the extremes that you have to put up with)
My DH travels to all the home games & twice a year stays away for the weekend. He will also Friday & Saturdays watching it on his pad with headphones on. I actually enjoy the time he watching home games. I love the peace & quiet & rarely put the TV or Alexa on. I have put my down on him watching away games on his pad when dgc are here as it means he's not paying attention to them so this season he will have to wait until their in bed though the bloody world cup starts on Friday!

Golf!! You need to take up golf! 4 hours out at a time and when you get a bit better tournaments on the weekend! You can do lessons in the Winter! He'll need to watch the puppy!