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Original poster

To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

266 replies

Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 18:32

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 06/09/2023 01:43

suburbophobe · 04/09/2023 18:44

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

He just doesn't care about you. Sorry.

It's all about him. Get out before you have children with him..

This. He doesn't care about you, he is very selfish and you need to get out now. Take the dog, because he won't look after it properly no matter what he says, and just be thankful you didn't have children with him.

chubbychopsticks · 06/09/2023 02:11

However he is with the dog, he will be with the kids.

Good luck OP

Juleslovesmaths · 06/09/2023 06:05

Keep the dog - lose the bloke

LaDamaDeElche · 06/09/2023 08:34

Overnightoats1 · 06/09/2023 00:02

Golf!! You need to take up golf! 4 hours out at a time and when you get a bit better tournaments on the weekend! You can do lessons in the Winter! He'll need to watch the puppy!

Or cycling 😂

RedPony1 · 06/09/2023 10:07

I will never understand hobbies that are mostly watching things on TV, but that's just me. and revolving anyone's life around something on TV baffles me, how can he not look after a dog AND watch TV??

I have horses, my DP knew that before we moved from friends to partners. My life revolves around their care. My other activities have to fit in around their care and he knows that and accepts it. He also loves them now luckily and helps with them. It's like having a new groom when i go to a show, when i finish i get off and he takes them away to sort out without me saying anything 😂

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 10:16

Buy said dog a doggie football jersey, a strong lead and a back pack with water, food and pick-up-poo bags.
Give dog a ticket for a 13 hour football trip with DP.

Hand DP the lead with dog and the back pack and say,

"Have a great day, you two football lovers. I'm off to swim 100 laps in the pool, have a nice lunch with Sally and visit Mum on the way home. See you when I get back."

MarchingOnTogether · 06/09/2023 10:39

I can't see the issue but I'm a football fan myself. I don't get to live games quite as often these days, only if a home game falls on a weekend the DCs are with their dad and odd evening games if their dad or my sister can watch them.
But I watch every game on TV if we can't be there and plan our weekends around fixtures. There's a 3 month break over summer and most of the season one game a week, it's hardly a massive inconvenience. It's no different from someone working their evening around watching soaps or having a regular hair pr nails appointment for example...
I understand the 13h days are a long time to be away from home but if you don't have kids there's no reason you can't be doing your own thing those days! Unfortunately fir you, being a football supporter is part of his identity and not something he's gonna give up for you. Relationships come and go but your club is for life, he was a supporter when you met him and you have to accept that's who he is or don't be with him.

Quartz2208 · 06/09/2023 10:43

Because football isn’t the issue, the hobbies never are. Many people manage to balance hobby/work/home life successfully.

the problem only occurs when the man is selfish and only thinks of his own needs and wants

Shantayyoustaysashayaway · 06/09/2023 12:24

Should have previewed before I pressed send hangs head in shame at the grammatical errors

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 12:33

MarchingOnTogether · 06/09/2023 10:39

I can't see the issue but I'm a football fan myself. I don't get to live games quite as often these days, only if a home game falls on a weekend the DCs are with their dad and odd evening games if their dad or my sister can watch them.
But I watch every game on TV if we can't be there and plan our weekends around fixtures. There's a 3 month break over summer and most of the season one game a week, it's hardly a massive inconvenience. It's no different from someone working their evening around watching soaps or having a regular hair pr nails appointment for example...
I understand the 13h days are a long time to be away from home but if you don't have kids there's no reason you can't be doing your own thing those days! Unfortunately fir you, being a football supporter is part of his identity and not something he's gonna give up for you. Relationships come and go but your club is for life, he was a supporter when you met him and you have to accept that's who he is or don't be with him.

And does the rest of the family enjoy planning weekends around fixtures as much as you do?

Straightomyhead · 06/09/2023 12:47

Can I just say that football isn't the problem. Both me and my DP as massive football fans supporting different teams. We try to get to a few matches and watch a few on the tv but there are times we just can't and neither of us get grumpy or leave places early.

Maybe he needs to look at priorities.

BananaSpanner · 06/09/2023 13:29

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 12:33

And does the rest of the family enjoy planning weekends around fixtures as much as you do?

Show quote history

Mumsnet is hugely supportive of mums making time for their hobbies unless it’s a hobby they don’t deem worthy 🙄

Original poster
Noisettegelato · 06/09/2023 13:43

Thanks again for all the replies.

The football itself isn’t a problem, it’s the expectation that life will revolve around his hobby. That was fine when he was single, and also before we had the dog tbh.

The dog, whilst he is high energy and requires a lot of supervision, entertainment etc, isn’t a huge problem on reflection and I understand that I am being unreasonable in the here and now as ultimately the dog is nowhere near as hard work as a baby.

Having read the replies and had a chance to think about this properly, I think my annoyance is thinking about the future as we have both discussed that we would like kids together.

I wouldn’t stand for him leaving events early, missing out on events with the kids, being solely responsible for said kids for an unequal amount of time etc if/when we have kids.

I did communicate this to him last night and explained that I couldn’t cope with, and wouldn’t want to, be on maternity leave for example and being solely responsible for the baby during DPs working hours, then also being responsible for the baby on the nights he plays football where he is gone for 3.5-4hours, when he watches football, when he goes to the football, when he goes to visit family for days at a time, when he goes hill walking for hours at a time etc etc and the family schedule revolving around the football

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 13:46

BananaSpanner · 06/09/2023 13:29

Mumsnet is hugely supportive of mums making time for their hobbies unless it’s a hobby they don’t deem worthy 🙄

Show quote history

You're rather missing the point I was making, which was that this poster started off by saying she didn't think the OP's partner is being unreasonable and then saying that her family's weekend plans all revolve around football fixtures too. If the whole family is football mad and they all enjoy this, fine. If it's just one person, making the whole family's life revolve around their hobby, not so fine. The problem with something like football is that you don't have any control over when the fixtures are. If your hobby is running, you can do that at 6am while your family is still sleeping, or in the evening once the kids are in bed. Even prime time during the day at the weekend is unlikely to take more than two hours tops, and can easily be shifted earlier or later depending on what else is happening. If your hobby is cross stitch or even gaming, you can do it around your family's other commitments. When it's football, you can't. That's why it's unreasonable to plan your free time around watching every match unless the whole family genuinely wants to watch every match. It’s not reasonable to expect to leave social events early or not go at all because there's a football match on, unless you're a huge and loyal fan of Nowheresville FC and they are in the FA cup final.

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 13:49

@Noisettegelato And what did he say to that?

Spottywombat · 06/09/2023 13:56

At least you've spotted this as an issue now. I'm inclined to say if these are his priorities now and there is a lot of them, he probably won't change and if he does, he'll resent it. It's the assumption you'll be default adult when he wants to do his own thing that is, indeed, the issue.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/09/2023 14:07

Spottywombat · 06/09/2023 13:56

At least you've spotted this as an issue now. I'm inclined to say if these are his priorities now and there is a lot of them, he probably won't change and if he does, he'll resent it. It's the assumption you'll be default adult when he wants to do his own thing that is, indeed, the issue.

This is exactly how it was when I experienced the same thing!

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 15:56

OP, whatever he answers to your assertions about not being happy to be left literally holding the baby, words are very cheap.

Many many is the poster on MN that was assured things would be different when they had a family, to be stunned in disbelief to find diddly squat changed and they were in EXACTLY the situation they had previously said they wouldn't be happy with.

Actions not words are what count.

By all means take a chance on his words and empty promises.

It will be you who will be left holding a baby, bitterly regretful that you went ahead and had a child with a deeply selfish man who hasn't a notion of changing and growing up.

It will be you who will have settled for so little.

Teapleasebobb · 06/09/2023 16:30

Noisettegelato · 06/09/2023 13:43

Thanks again for all the replies.

The football itself isn’t a problem, it’s the expectation that life will revolve around his hobby. That was fine when he was single, and also before we had the dog tbh.

The dog, whilst he is high energy and requires a lot of supervision, entertainment etc, isn’t a huge problem on reflection and I understand that I am being unreasonable in the here and now as ultimately the dog is nowhere near as hard work as a baby.

Having read the replies and had a chance to think about this properly, I think my annoyance is thinking about the future as we have both discussed that we would like kids together.

I wouldn’t stand for him leaving events early, missing out on events with the kids, being solely responsible for said kids for an unequal amount of time etc if/when we have kids.

I did communicate this to him last night and explained that I couldn’t cope with, and wouldn’t want to, be on maternity leave for example and being solely responsible for the baby during DPs working hours, then also being responsible for the baby on the nights he plays football where he is gone for 3.5-4hours, when he watches football, when he goes to the football, when he goes to visit family for days at a time, when he goes hill walking for hours at a time etc etc and the family schedule revolving around the football

So what was his response to this op? What changes would he make if you did have a child? Do you trust that he would stick to the changes or go back on his word as essentially he could make all the promises in the world to you and then once you'd had a baby just carry on doing what he wants.

Original poster
Noisettegelato · 06/09/2023 17:43

He assured me that he wouldn’t attend home games if we have a baby and that he would take time away from playing football for however long I needed his support in the evenings. He also assured me that when he goes to visit family he would take the baby with him (I pointed out that I may be BF and this may not be suitable). Overall he assured me that he would be much more flexible and that football will need to take a back seat (until he can take the child with him…!)

I pointed out that I don’t want to end up resenting him for leaving me with the baby for unequal amounts of time, and that I don’t want him to resent me (and potentially the baby) for taking him away from his hobby.

I told him that from now on, entertaining the dog will no longer fall to me when he’s watching football, unless it’s on at a time that I’d like to take the dog for a walk etc. He agreed with this. We’ll see how that goes when his team next play

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/09/2023 17:50

He talks the talk doesn't he🙄.....which is why words about a hypothetical situation are SO cheap.

Men finding making commitments about the future and how they'll be after the baby arrives, very very easy.

When faced with reality, they do EXACTLY as they please, maintain all their pre baby commitments and there is diddly squat you can do about it.

When faced with a breakup, they are often relieved.

If he's not prepared to show you by his actions that he is prepared to change NOW, you can't be surprised when he doesn't do it later.

coconutpie · 06/09/2023 18:01

OP, actions speak louder than words. This is his trial now. Unless he does a 180 and makes massive changes from now which involve prioritising you and the dog, then do not believe a word he says. Otherwise you'll end up with a baby and a partner who does not pull his weight. Do not make that mistake.

ImNotWorthy · 06/09/2023 19:34

When DF died I was staying in his house. My DB lived a few miles away. I stayed on in the house to start to sort it, expecting DB to offer help on the odd evening or at the weekend.

No, he went to watch Arsenal. Twice in a fortnight. Thanks, Bro. (He's also a golfer, I suspect this caused problems in the marriage, because fairly early on I asked a question about his golf, and his DW piped up "Oh, we don't talk about "stupid" in this house" She seems more reconciled/resigned to it now...)

GodDammitCecil · 06/09/2023 20:09

Ah, good luck OP - this is clearly a lesson you’re going to have to learn the hard way.

Grahambella · 06/09/2023 20:19

The good thing about living together before you get married and have kids is the fact it’s a type of try before you buy. A test. Often you are showing your better side. And if it doesn’t work out you can get out easily.

His reaction of ‘yeh I’ll change in the future’ doesn’t bode well.

Remember people often get worse when you can’t leave cos you are on maternity pay and you have just had a baby.