To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

[Noisettegelato]

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

He assured me that he wouldn’t attend home games if we have a baby and that he would take time away from playing football for however long I needed his support in the evenings

He won't be 'supporting' YOU, it'll! Be his duty as a parent to support HID dc in the evenings for the next 18+ years!

Sounds like he thinks that once the baby is sleeping or a little older he can continue to leave you at home, now with a baby and a dog and carry on as normal - errrr no pal, that's not happening, his life will change for good once a baby comes along. Babies turn into toddler and then teenagers, all of which will need his time and support in different ways all the way to adulthood

Think very long and hard op about having a child with a man that thinks his only job is to 'support' you for a while until he can go back to watching football.

“Overall he assured me that he would be much more flexible and that football will need to take a back seat (until he can take the child with him…!)”

You are both living in cloud cuckoo land if either of you think this is true or how life with young children works. You’ve clearly made your choice though op and when you’re on your own, and left in the trenches when he’s off with his kicky-ball obsession just remember that everyone warned you. Good luck.

It's never caused a problem. It's 2 hours of out of the weekend, not the whole weekend. Do you not do anything for your own entertainment at all? No TV, no exercise, no socialising with friends....?
My kids are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves for that 2 hours, my dd(12) sometimes watches with us (thats how i first got into it, watching with my dad)
We generally spend one day of the weekend doing housework, laundry etc, kids do their homework.... So it often works out that we get all the jobs done, take a break in time to watch the game then afterwards we make tea. We still have family days out on non match days, it's not like they play every day!!

I have 3 dogs and manage to work full time, socialise, and indulge in my own hobby of showjumping and competing and manage perfectly fine and I'm single. Is the dog high maintenance, or does it have behavioural problems that mean it needs entertaining. Can the dog not sit with him when he watches football? I think you need to find your own hobbies and get out with your friends on the days that he is busy. It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven and I'd be super cautious about having kids with him !

😅😅😅😅😅

Reread this.

The misogyny is showing.
He is telling you he will help as long as you "need his support" To raise his child for him.
And he will pause his hobby ie. it will take a back seat or a few years.
he is not saying a child is a huge responsibility and i will need to reprioritise extended families and hobbies to ensure I'm a good father and husband. You will be his "line manager" and he will do noyhing unless you ask. Which is fucking exhausting and unsexy as hell.

DO NOT BREED WITH THIS MAN.

Also.... for all the posters on the other recent threads who think its nuts to suggest women take more responsibility about who they have children with..... This is what i am talking about. CLEAR SIGNS that are ignored and 8 years from now OP is back with 2 kids complaining her DH is useless but she never could have predicted it. Except she really could have.

His assurances aren't worth a damn. He has demonstrated time and again just where you come in his priorities. (It's not high.)

"He often says he knows his life can’t revolve around football if we have kids but he certainly doesn’t fill me with confidence."
Often? Under what circumstances is he saying this? It's a very odd thing to say, except in response to being told he'd have to buck up his ideas. Is that when he says it? To soothe you down?

"At the beginning he would take the puppy with him but the past twice he hasn’t taken him as he said he doesn’t get a good sleep when the dog goes with him 🤦🏻‍♀️."
This is one of those occasions when he has demonstrated just where you come in his priorities. He needs to take the dog with him, every time. Non-negotiable. He plans to leave the puppy with you when you have a big exam? WTF? You are sooo far down his list of priorities!

"The football itself isn’t a problem, it’s the expectation that life will revolve around his hobby. That was fine when he was single, and also before we had the dog tbh."
I hate to break it to you, but he is still living the single life, albeit with sex on tap from his puppykeeper. In what way has his life changed since you moved in?

"I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy."
And you want to have children with this man, who won't even put the effort into caring for a puppy, a puppy he presumably wanted? Like he would presumably want kids?

"the nights he plays football where he is gone for 3.5-4hours, when he watches football, when he goes to the football, when he goes to visit family for days at a time, when he goes hill walking for hours at a time etc etc ..."
This will not change if you have children with this man. And purely as an aside - why are you not visiting his family with him? Are you not a couple in his family's eyes?

"... and the family schedule revolving around the football"
There will be no 'family schedule'. There will just be his schedule, and you fitting yourself and any children around it.

WAKE UP! He has arranged his life just how he likes it, and he is not going to change. You fitted yourself around that, and any promises he makes to change, he won't keep. He's just making the sort of soothing noises that will keep you on board. You say that "There are definitely enough things about our relationship that make it a fulfilling one" - really? Have a good think about that, because at a guess they'll still involve you fitting yourself around him.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNLESS YOU PARTICULARLY WANT TO DO ALL OF THE WORK ALONE. THEY WILL BE EVEN LOWER ON HIS PRIORITY LIST THAN YOU CURRENTLY ARE.

Not sure if it's been asked already but for context, who's idea was it to get a dog?

My ex was like this. Even had to plan the wedding for the off season. Worked on a Sunday and used to have to start cooking kids meals at 6.30 when I got back as he wouldn't feed them if the match had started at 3pm. One of the reasons he's an ex!!

So leave now, before kids complicate the situation.

Him going to a match abroad on your birthday is the clincher

That's exactly what I was thinking! Unless OP really takes this thread on board, she going to be back here in a few years complaining about how she is managing everything for the kids and she has to micromanage her husband.

It's not the football that's the issue. It's that he's consistently not thinking about OP's needs.

I can't for the life of my understand why you think you need to take the dog out for him to watch football at home though! You're making your life way more difficult.
Really the only time it restricts you and means you have to deal with the dog is the 1 weekend every 4-6 weeks that he goes to an away game.

I don't think I could fancy a bloke who was this obsessed with anything. Where's the room for you in all that, with or without kids?

Get your own hobby, make arrangements to have a day out with friends when he is home watching the TV, the same as when he goes to away games. If he doesn't want to accommodate this, you need to think about whether such a relationship will work for you.

I don't think either of you is actually in the wrong here. You're just not compatible.

I can certainly see why you're fed-up with this and feel that your life revolves around it. But you knew when you got together that he spent a lot of time on this, and you didn't mind then, so essentially it's you that's changed and you're now expecting him to change too. It would be nice if he wanted to, but if he doesn't want to, that's his choice - just like it's your choice to decide if you stay with him.

I would add that I don't think it's unreasonable to be alone with your own dog for a day on a regular basis. Owning a dog does restrict what you can do. It would restrict what you could do as a couple just as much as it restricts what you can do on your own. You knew, when you got the dog, that your boyfriend was out most Saturdays.

Hi,
just wanted opinions on a subject that my husband & I can’t agree about & im not sure if I’m being unreasonable?!
He is a brilliant Dad to our 6 children (ranging in age from 2-18) but his absence is the problem.
he works away all week in a job that he doesn’t really enjoy & is very high pressured but I don’t work so he has to support us all. in the week he sometimes goes to watch football with his friends/ family & goes for a drink at the pub etc.. but doesn’t have much time to socialise & relax.
I don’t get any help with the children & am very tired dealing with toddlers, young children & 3 teenagers!
it’s hard work in the week for me but I fully accept that this is the situation for now until I can work, anyway the weekend is the problem.
our wkends are extremely busy & my husband & I don’t get anytime just us. He is a season ticket holder for Arsenal (something that wasn’t discussed but just happened!) & on average once a month he’ll travel up to watch his team play. We don’t live near the stadium so it’s a whole day away.
I don’t get any help with the children on these days & they miss their dad after not seeing him all week & I really struggle to have the energy to entertain them all & keep up with housework etc..after been the sole parent all week.
I’ve told him that at this stage of our lives where he’s away all week I think he shouldn’t expect to spend half the wkend away (our boys also do football on Saturday & Sundays which means that most wkends were running around separately getting them to their matches/ training etc..) & that he should want to spend the day with me & all the children. I’m happy for him to do things for himself (hobbies, seeing friends) but not something that will take him away all day.
it’s become a real issue for us & he says I’m being very selfish.
maybe I am? I’m not sure! I wouldn’t mind it if I had help with the children at all but I don’t.

I'm massively into rowing, so training six times a week, up early doors at weekends for double sessions on the water. Attending regattas and head races throughout the year. It's a massive time sink and commitment. I can only do all of that because my wife is a member of the same club with roughly the same schedule. Would not dream of inflicting such a sporting past time on someone who was not into it.