To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

[Noisettegelato]

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

Thanks to your VERY funny remark, I can now safely say that if you are drinking water and snort laugh, the water will come out your nose but you should be okay and not drown.

"Can anyone suggest a hobby I can do that will take up quite as much time?!
Online dating."😅😆😹👏💯⚽🎯

Umm why aren’t you saying that he can either not visit his parents or he can take the dog, you will need your weekend to study and you must know you royally take the piss with expecting me to cover all non football time, so I will not be looking after dog this weekend, I have study to do.

speaking of royally taking the piss, I do expect once a year my birthday to be an priority. It doesn’t seem to be. What made you think it was ok to book a trip over my birthday? Do you just think I’ll accept whatever crumbs of attention you have left after you’ve done all the things you actually care about? Coming last on your list of priorities including on my birthday is getting old extremely quickly here.

Exactly this. He needs to demonstrate that he is able and willing to cut down on football enough to be actively involved in raising a child. A child who won't be old enough to tag along to all the football games for at least five years, and even then, might not want to and should have the right not to be forced. Getting a dog was a good test to see whether he is in fact capable of doing that, and so far it appears he isn't. Until he starts doing 50% of dog duty AND putting some time and effort into his relationship with the OP so she feels like she has an actual partner rather than a lodger AND doing his fair share of housework, and then fits his football hobby into whatever time is then left over around his job, the OP should under no circumstances even entertain the idea of getting pregnant, unless she's willing to be almost solely responsible for the baby, the dog and the housework.

And even once he is doing 50% of dog duty and 50% of the housework and making time for the OP, he needs to understand that raising a child is a full time occupation and he will need to be willing to dedicate 50% of his waking, non working/commuting hours to that, and that this (along with the dog, the OP and his share of the housework) comes before football in the pecking order.

I agree with this. A poster pointed out a while ago that part of the reason footballers' salaries are the first to be attacked is that footballers are often from working-class backgrounds, and people feel they've got above their station. (Yes, the salaries are obscene, but so are the salaries of plenty of other professions.)

I'm not sure I agree with this.

Firstly, although it's not relevant to the thread, footballers' salaries ARE obscene. There is no other sport in the UK (I think some in the US are comparable) that pays its players so much, and I don't think even the big cheeses in professions such as law or investment banking make as much as a premier league footballer. These salaries are a big part of what makes going to matches now unaffordable for many working class people. But that's by the by.

Secondly, I think the issue most women have on Mumsnet is not how working class or middle class any particular hobby is, but whether it provides an excuse for the man to check out of family life to do it. For me, the worst offenders in this regard are golf and cycling, which often involve entire days at a time and sometimes holidays being sacrificed to the hobby, as well as vast sums of money being spent on it, and excessive video gaming. (By excessive I mean eating into family life to an unreasonable degree, costing an unreasonable amount of money and/or rendering a partner who stays up until 4am every night playing games functionally useless.) It's not the actual hobby, whatever it is, that is the problem. It's the effect it has on family life. Any of these hobbies can be done in a reasonable manner. And it should be fairly easy to be reasonable about how much time and money you spend on football; you just only go to or watch as many matches as you can afford to, both in terms of time and money.

It’s just frustrating that weekend plans etc together need to revolve around when the football is on

Then don’t make plans with someone you know is going to leave halfway through the day.

Atm he isn’t going to stop doing what he is doing as he has no reason to as you put up with him walking out of functions midway through the event.

Just make your own plans. Go out to an event and tell him you didn’t bother getting him a ticket because he wouldn’t be able to stay the day.

Make yourself as unavailable as he is.

Join a gym, go out for the same amount of time as he goes out for. Go visit another city and stay in a hotel once per month.

Make a life outside this relationship because waiting around for the scraps of time he will spend with you isn’t going to change anything.

Don’t be anybody’s plan B, or back up plan or the little woman waiting at home.

"Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it)."

As some PP have observed, this is clearly complete bollocks from him - he clearly WOULD mind being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours because it would mean he wouldn't be able to merrily swan off to the football!!! What he means is that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours if he had no other plans.

DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days.

Your plans, you can see, do not "count".

I'll bet the birthday thing would upset you much, much less were it not simply a continuation of his usual MO. If he didn't keep acting like the dog is only your responsibility, not his, and didn't keep putting football before you, and had actually discussed the trip abroad with you instead of just booking it and suggested ways to make it up to you... then it wouldn't be such a problem. But it's a microcosm of the larger issue(s).

First thing to do here is to insist he has the dog when you are revising. His sleep is not more important than yours especially with an exam to sit. Second thing to do is remember this incident. If you had a child instead of a dog, whose sleep would be "more important"? What if the child cried in the night or wanted to jump on daddy at 5:30 am? If it is too much effort for him to look after a puppy, is he likely to make a considerate dad?

Please make sure you celebrate your birthday in style and have a big event or outing with all your friends and family (including his). If anyone asks where he is you can say that the football was more important to him. Arrange to be out with your friends or away for his birthday. Keep working on your career. If you find a hobby, then great as it is something for you to do, but do keep reassessing your relationship with him. Are you spending even less time together? Is he making an effort to put you first and spend time with you? Has he even noticed that it's bothering you?

I'm predicting that you will either have kids with him and end up doing everything and be resentful as he still puts football first and his need to sleep second with you and DCs coming a poor third, or you will realise that you have outgrown him and move on. Good luck!

My and my husband's lives revolve around football. It takes over our lives.

If you do not like football then please do not children with your husband as he will not change and the chances are your kids will also want to go with him.

Dump him. You are more important than a daft game.

They are bonkers, two working breeds crossed together. They use working cockers rather than show type as its cheaper, working cockers NEVER stop. You can't wear them out, they need a job.

You could take up gun dog trails or agility for a hobby. Pizzle sticks are very good for occupying bored puppies.

Leave the selfish prick, he won't change

My partner had a lot of hobbies when we got together. I was a big career person. I didn't care he was in the gym 6 days a week til bed time and then he spent Sundays cooking chicken and broccoli for the week. I was working or out with friends.
He was the one who found it incredibly hard and isolating when we had our first child and he could no longer be out of the house for 16 hours a day. He definitely grieved his hobbies. His alone time. His social interactions. His fitness 😂
But he did it with minimal moaning or self pity, he understood the assignment.

I would sit him down and explain that the football widow life has got tired and getting the dog was probably more of a development in your relationship than you realised. You no longer want to be responsible for the dog to such an extent and the role that it forces you into in your relationship.
I think it's a great way to have that deeper conversation that saying he understands about family life is actually based on reality and now is the time to start compromising.. Not once you've got a big enough carrot to keep him at home with in the form of a child. He needs to start evaluating his contribution and options now.

Of course he's being a bit selfish and single minded but if he's not been told this is an issue... Well most of us like our own way don't we?
And if you have then it's worth one last push before you decide to become Co - parents of a pup 😂 custody based on the football season of course 🙄😙

I think the big question is are you planning to have children at some point?

If not it doesn't seem too bad. You alternate taking care of the dog at weekends, and go do your own thing with friends. Or get a dog sitter.

If you do want kids, end things now and find someone else - he's not going to change and you will just end up bitter and resentful when you are the one doing all the work.

I do not think you're being unreasonable but then again I wouldn't get in a relationship with someone who's life revolves around football. I have such a distaste for it because I come from a place where football/religious bigotry is rife and I couldn't be with someone that always puts football first.

I was in a relationship with someone just like this a while ago. Turned out he was also having an affair. Definitely leave before children.

You knew he was football crazy when you got together - why would that change? It's part of who he is. The puppy is a separate issue. Puppies are very hard work and need a lot of attention, exercise, training, discipline and trust-building if you want a good adult dog. if you are sick of the puppy tying you down already, it's not going to get any better :(

You knew he was this into football at the start, I'd have ended things before they got going if my husband was this into football, I can't stand it. You chose to go out with him though so you can't really complain he hasn't given up his hobby. As for the dog, you must have realised you were commiting to being a dog owner, seeing as you are only bf and gf you could break up tomorrow, by the sounds of it this is your dog, did he actually want the dog in the first place? Can't see this lasting, so who's taking the dog?

Stop bloody enabling/indulging this man. Nobody has the right to football, unless they're actually a professional and it's their job.

I think atm it probably seems a silly reason to end a relationship over football but you have to fast forward your life and think about never ever having a whole Saturday during a lot of the year when you can just plan to do something for the whole day with him and he is 100% present and doesn’t have to get back home for the footie or thinking about football.

Atm you just have a dog. If you have children you will be trapped doing everything as daddy will be out or won’t want his football disturbing or can’t take his kids out for a day out because he has to get back for the footie.

I can guarantee leaving won’t look petty or silly then.

Sounds like a terrible situation... not sure how you've put up with it for so long. May I ask what he is like if his team loses, btw? Bad mood? Angry? Aggressive?

I think things will get worse when you have kids and you need to discuss this urgently. It's clearly important to you, and as your partner, he should respect your time too, but maybe not give it all up. I think there needs to be some compromise from both sides, but if you find he is not putting your relationship first, rather puts his game first, then you will probably get a glimpse at your future with kids: a selfish, obsessed man-child who will leave you to deal with all the children and housework so he can kick a ball around. Sorry, but you need to nip this is the bud and agree something that works for both of you, or it could get worse. Good luck

Don't waste any more time on this relationship. Doesn't look as if he is going to change any time soon. So unless you want years of this it should be goodbye.

This is too much! DP has a season ticket to watch is team, but only goes to home games. If they fall on a birthday/anniversary etc, he doesn’t go. Never goes to away games. If we’re not busy he’ll watch the away matches on TV, otherwise he’ll just check the score. I do try to organise things around home games, because he’s a reasonable football fan, not a fanatic where it’s takes over our lives. However, i’m probably still too accommodating at he does a lot of sport, which pisses me off more than the football tbh.

I never read these threads about women’s hobbies monopolising couple/family time. Funny that!