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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

266 replies

Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 18:32

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 04/09/2023 20:06

You have your head in the sand.

He said that he wouldnt do this with a baby, yet here you are, with an important exam coming up, and he is telling you it is more important for him to sleep well rather than taking the hit this one time?

You've bent over backwards to accommodate the dog, what has he done? Has he done an equal amount?

Yalta · 04/09/2023 20:07

This will only get worse. Atm he goes every 6 weeks/ once per month. As his income grows it will be once or twice per month then every weekend

You won’t be able to go on holiday, it’s already affecting your social life.

If you stay then make your own life. Don’t go out with him on days anything football related happens. Or if you jointly go to a function that involves him leaving early then go in separate cars and wave him goodbye and you stay and enjoy yourself and stay in a hotel if you want to have a drink.

twistyizzy · 04/09/2023 20:10

I can suggest a more time consuming and expensive hobby that you could take up: horseriding and then progress to horse ownership! You can engineer it so that you will literally never be at home 😄.

Waffle78 · 04/09/2023 20:11

How old is the pup? You could just take the puppy with you. Look up dog friendly places to visit.

BrawnWild · 04/09/2023 20:11

This is the usual script by the way.

Women accept doing more before kids so as not to rock the boat and to nurture the man. They are both happy to put him first.

And then a baby comes along and the woman wonders why she is doing it all while dad carries on as he always has and wonders why wifey is making a fuss about doing the chores she has always done. Or he begrudgingly "helps" and wonders why she is such a nag now, even though he helps her

NevergonnagiveHughup · 04/09/2023 20:11

His football is more important than your relationship OP. Given that you’re in the first flush of love 😂, this doesn’t bode well for 10 years down the road when the gloss has worn off.

Even suggesting his sleep is more
important than your study is so utterly
selfish I’d be asking myself some serious questions about his respect for you. That would probably be a deal breaker for me, but your posts suggest you won’t be told….

Thelonelygiraffe · 04/09/2023 20:12

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/09/2023 18:34

He sounds like a dickhead. Luckily you have no kids so you can leave without too much angst. Leave him with the dog and see how he manages with it. And find someone who isn't so utterly selfish and boring next time.

This 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

mycoffeecup · 04/09/2023 20:12

You're not married, no kids, why are you still there? He'll barely notice if you leave

Original poster
Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 20:14

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I’m due to go to the USA in October to visit my aunt for 3 weeks so he will just need to get used to having the dog with him while he watches football.

From today (well, the next time his team play), I will no longer make myself available to entertain the puppy (who is good as gold all day but full of beans at night). I need to start taking time for myself and will look for a gym class to go to

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/09/2023 20:16

Please take my advice @Noisettegelato do not marry/have children with him. As you'll be left feeling abandoned and parenting alone most of the time. If you ask him to watch less to be more involved as a parent, he'll tell you to stop trying to change him. Men like this do not grow up. Take it from someone who knows.

beatrix1234 · 04/09/2023 20:20

Tell him it's his dog, you never wanted a dog and never planned having one. He takes care of it, it's not your responsability, then do your plans for the weekend and have him take the animal or hire a dog carer when he goes to watch football, why should you work for free?

bonzaitree · 04/09/2023 20:20

I don’t think his hobby sounds excessive at all tbh. Indulging and enjoying hobbies is something people do when they’re child free or before / after having young kids.

Mine does a football related activity every weekend and I cheerily wave him goodbye and have a lovely time doing whatever I like (and yes we are child free and have a dog!)

I think this issue is your lifestyle doesn’t suit a dog! Or maybe you don’t like having a dog!

Could you book a dog walker or kennel for the busy days? Or rehome the dog as it doesn’t seem to be working out.

Uddersfield · 04/09/2023 20:23

Let me guess. Glory supporter travelling to support a ‘big team’.

I know it’s not the crux of your AIBU but why can’t people support their local teams? (Different if you’ve moved away). I support my local team and I’m away from home about 5 hours on a home day. And thats only because my Dad likes to get there super early 🤣. I could shave it down to 4ish hours if I really tried.

I’m lucky in that my Husband now supports my team and my DSC happily go along to games. I love my team but wouldn’t say my family life resolves around them.

Why does he not encourage you all to come - get you all interested and make it a family event? Im guessing again that one reason is it’s one of the big teams and it’s too expensive for you all to go…

The above aside it sounds like you’re not interested which is fair enough but I’m surprised he’s not trying to involve the kids. My Mum dislikes football but my Dad tried to get me interested from a young age.

If it’s not something you as a family are interested in it’s unfair the whole family life should revolve around it.

illiterato · 04/09/2023 20:27

The thing is if he won’t do anything that clashes with watching the game live then it’s not just a few hours as it rules out anything that goes over that time which makes whole day plans or anything requiring flexibility a write off. So it actually takes up much more time than it seems in respect of inability to make other plans.

wouldn’t be for me

Uddersfield · 04/09/2023 20:28

I’m sorry I see you don’t have kids I’m an idiot 🤣.

I’m surprised due to you both being kid free he’s not keen to be spending time with you (and the dog!) at weekends.

And same theme as my previous post, that it’s surprising he’s not trying to get you a bit interested. You don’t seem to like footy but I’m sure the odd trip with him you might like the stadium / the atmosphere?

If he’s booked a trip abroad on your birthday why does he not say, ok it’s footy one night but come along and let’s explore the place for a couple of days?

My husband likes fishing and I’m not that interested but if he went abroad with it he’d invite me along.

Uddersfield · 04/09/2023 20:33

bonzaitree · 04/09/2023 20:20

I don’t think his hobby sounds excessive at all tbh. Indulging and enjoying hobbies is something people do when they’re child free or before / after having young kids.

Mine does a football related activity every weekend and I cheerily wave him goodbye and have a lovely time doing whatever I like (and yes we are child free and have a dog!)

I think this issue is your lifestyle doesn’t suit a dog! Or maybe you don’t like having a dog!

Could you book a dog walker or kennel for the busy days? Or rehome the dog as it doesn’t seem to be working out.

I’m the same with my husbands fishing 🤣.

But I bet the reason you’re happy he goes is firstly you get some you time and secondly because the relationship isn’t lacking and you don’t feel neglected by him.

Royaly82 · 04/09/2023 20:37

I'm confused why your 'lovely friend' who doesn't want children made a choice to carry on having unprotected sex with a woman who admitted she wanted a baby more than anything in the world instead of getting a vasectomy. My honest opinion, from the way youve descibed him he doesn't sound like a nice man

BananaSpanner · 04/09/2023 20:40

I’m a football supporter. I go to a match approx once a fortnight during the season and watch my team on the tv when possible. I have been known to schedule our plans around a game I really want to see. DH is a rugby fan. He also has other interests. We have kids, one of who loves football as much me and comes with me. We also have a dog. I honestly don’t see the drama. People are allowed hobbies and interests that are time consuming.
Surely, it matters more what they are like as a partner because one day a month and a few televised games really doesn’t sound that bad.

Re re the dog, just tell him you need the peace and he needs to take the dog to see him family with him when he goes.

CateringPanic · 04/09/2023 20:42

It’s the leaving things early that would be unforgivable to me - it’s so unbelievably rude!

My DH is grumpy that the rugby World Cup starts this weekend and we are at a wedding Saturday into Sunday and have been invited to socialise with the bride and groom on Friday night so he will probably miss all of it. He will make jokes about leaving to watch the rugby, he will wind me up about it incessantly but he won’t actually do it because he can just turn off notifications on his phone, and watch it later!

Dunnoburt · 04/09/2023 20:42

Thank the lord you only have a puppy and not kids!!! Yanbu....good luck!

Dolores87 · 04/09/2023 20:44

I don't think playing football twice a week is a problem nor the going to the home games as often as he does. What would irritate me though is him leaving other plans to watch the football and expecting peace while it's on, by all means he should be able to watch or listen to it but life also exists and should exist around him. You shouldn't be manning the ship while he watches football every single weekend. Also the booking to go on your birthday thing is a bit rubbish.

EffortlessDesmond · 04/09/2023 20:45

Take up golf, then you can share the dog burden equitably.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 20:50

We teach people how to treat us and low expectations have resulted in your situation.

Do not inflict such selfishness on any children.

He cares not whit for you, hence his behaviour and heading off anytime he wants, even on your birthday.

Shade17 · 04/09/2023 21:00

Textbook football wanker!

whynotwhatknot · 04/09/2023 21:09

my dh is a lifelong supporter of hs hom team and yet hes never walked out of a function or insist he has to go to home matches

you can still follow a team without being an arsrhole