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Original poster

To feel fed up of our lives revolving round DPs hobby?

266 replies

Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 18:32

Ok so it’s maybe a bit dramatic to say our lives revolve around it, but sometimes it feels like it. DP is a big football fan and supports a team nowhere near where we live (how convenient).

He tends to go to around 1 home game a month (sometimes 2) but sometimes every 6 weeks or so. He is away for around 13 hours that day. He absolutely must (🙄) watch every single home and away game on the tv if he isn’t at the game. This means weekend plans are structured in a way to suit him being home in time to watch the football (this included him rushing away from functions early).

He also plays football twice a week with friends.

All of this wouldn’t didn’t annoy me too much at the start of our relationship, as I felt it didn’t impact my life that much. We then got a dog and I got caught up in the excitement of getting said dog that I didn’t really think about being on my own with him for some weekend days every month.

I’m starting to get annoyed that DP has an expectation that he will get to watch the football in absolute peace, while I entertain the puppy.

The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of appreciation he has for me working my weekend plans around being solely responsible for the dog some weekend days. The dog can be left for a few hours but to be honest it restricts what I can do at the weekend, as I need to make sure I’m home for the dog. Any time I have said I feel restricted, he said that it wouldn’t bother him being solely responsible for the dog for 13 hours (suggesting that I’m being unreasonable for being bothered by it).

My final annoyance is that he has booked to go and watch the team abroad, on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but am I being selfish for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 04/09/2023 19:40

He often says he knows his life can’t revolve around football if we have kids but he certainly doesn’t fill me with confidence

Please don't believe he will change...that will only lead to your heartache. Tbf he was like this when you got together so he hasn't changed, the puppy has highlighted his focus. Thankfully it's a puppy not a baby. A baby would be this level of resentment X10

Noicant · 04/09/2023 19:40

Do not have kids with him, can’t believe he doesn’t want to take the dog when you are studying for an exam. He’s not the sort who’s suddenly going to be really responsible when you have kids.

Teapleasebobb · 04/09/2023 19:40

Eek, he's a selfish one op. It all seems to be on his terms. I would argue the point that he should take the dog for the weekend so that you can concentrate on studying for you exam. I would also NOT have children with this man. You'll be left looking after dc whilst he's off watching the football, do you hand on heart think that he will take a step back from his football obsession at weekends when he's a parent? You'll end up with a lot of lonely weekends looking after the children.

Peachpicklepie · 04/09/2023 19:40

I'm a dog trainer - it's really important the dog learns that you won't entertain it all the time. I'd find a reward-based trainer to help you teach the puppy how to "settle" and switch off. One of the main things I teach in my puppy classes is "pub training". Which basically translates as chilling when your attention isn't on them.

But yes, your partner should be helping 🙄

GrumpyPanda · 04/09/2023 19:40

Re the televised matches interfering with other plans, would it be an option to get him to tape them? That's assuming he's disciplined enough to disregard any spoilers.

Hobbies: pp have a point about golf. Walking tours if they're with a group so you can point to a programme already set. Wild swimming groups? Or check on meet-up for regular weekend activities.
I do martial arts and once you're past the total newbie stage they can be verrrry useful for this sort of thing. There's always certain to be a seminar with guest instructors going on somewhere near, often as an all-weekend thing or as a week-long summer retreat. And many clubs have open mat sessions on Sunday mornings.

Familyofthem · 04/09/2023 19:42

How old is your puppy OP? I agree with other posters that him not taking the dog because it disturbs his sleep on a leisure visit when you have something actually important to do is not on. That is about him, not about football. Your dog seems quite high energy/needs though. Is Ddog still quite young?

Ladyj84 · 04/09/2023 19:43

Well who did you think would look after the dog and invisible fairy. It wasn't rocket science to know he wouldn't. Anyway so glad my hubby ain't like this doesn't sound a fun relationship

minipie · 04/09/2023 19:45

If your best solution is to find a time intensive hobby yourself … what is the point of even being together? He’s not bothered about spending much of his free time with you, you will not be bothered either (if you got the hobby that is)… might as well be single??

I’d split and find someone who actually wants to spend his weekends with you.

And as everyone has said, 1000% don’t have kids with him.

GodDammitCecil · 04/09/2023 19:45

Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 19:33

Thanks to those of you giving me some perspective and saying it doesn’t seem too bad.

Apologies for drip feeding, but once per month he visits family for the weekend. At the beginning he would take the puppy with him but the past twice he hasn’t taken him as he said he doesn’t get a good sleep when the dog goes with him 🤦🏻‍♀️.

He is due to go up next weekend and is leaving the dog with me. I’m feeling a bit fed up as I have a big exam that I need to revise for and can only manage around 3 hours on the days I’m alone with him

Kindly, you’re a mug, OP. But you won’t be told.

This behaviour is far from normal.

There will be women on this forum saying it’s no so bad, but anyone with a decent man who’s even vaguely considerate will confirm it’s every bit as bad as it reads. And be thanking their lucky stars they’re not tethered to someone like this.

This is your red flag waving madly in your face. When you’re 10 years further into this relationship - and not just with a dog to be solely responsible for, but a couple of kids as well - you’ll look back and wonder why you ignored it.

Good luck. You are definitely going to need it.

And I just love how he says he wouldn’t mind having the dog for 13 hours. It’s like Lady Catherine de Bourgh telling Lizzie she’d have been a ‘true proficient’ if she’d ever learnt the piano. 🙄

Yeah, well, wouldn’t we all mate, wouldn’t we all?

Ibizafun · 04/09/2023 19:46

My dh also annoys me with his football habit, sometimes going to two matches a week and having to plan our weekends around the club's schedule.

But he would never dare let even the most important game take precedence over my birthday.

This does not bode well even if you aren't having kids but if you are.. no good.

PragmaticWench · 04/09/2023 19:47

HarrietofFire · 04/09/2023 18:47

Why don't you try to get into it and watch with him OP?

Because it's less interesting than watching paint dry?! Fuck me, why would anyone join in with a shitty hobby just to not feel alone?!

coconutpie · 04/09/2023 19:50

Noisettegelato · 04/09/2023 19:33

Thanks to those of you giving me some perspective and saying it doesn’t seem too bad.

Apologies for drip feeding, but once per month he visits family for the weekend. At the beginning he would take the puppy with him but the past twice he hasn’t taken him as he said he doesn’t get a good sleep when the dog goes with him 🤦🏻‍♀️.

He is due to go up next weekend and is leaving the dog with me. I’m feeling a bit fed up as I have a big exam that I need to revise for and can only manage around 3 hours on the days I’m alone with him

Then you tell him that either he takes the dog with him or he stays at home and will d solely responsible for the dog as you are studying. You deserve better OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2023 19:51

The thing is, MN HATES football. And hates football fans. If you’d said your DP did a triathlon every 4-6 weeks and trained three times a week for it (for example), you’d have a different response op.

to me, pre-kids that seems a reasonable amount of hobby time.

but you’re clearly resentful, especially about the dog so something needs to change.

my advice would be to get yourself a life and stop Waiting around for a man 🤷‍♀️

GodDammitCecil · 04/09/2023 19:52

The thing is, MN HATES football. And hates football fans. If you’d said your DP did a triathlon every 4-6 weeks and trained three times a week for it (for example), you’d have a different response op.

That’s not true though, is it?

Not in the slightest.

Mari9999 · 04/09/2023 19:53

@Noisettegelato
Perhaps you guys need to revisit the decision to have a family dog. I assume that you do not have children because you have determined that you are not ready for that commitment. Perhaps the decision to get a family pet was equally premature.

If you cannot or are not ready to handle the joint responsibility of a pet, the appropriate thing to do would be to consider re-homing the pet. There is nothing inherently wrong in determining that you are not yet prepared for this particular responsibility. Obviously, you are being more responsible in recognizing that you are not ready to become parents.

Nothing good comes from rushing into situations for which you are not really ready to undertake. It is not wrong to make a premature decision. It is wrong not to take steps to remedy or mitigate those decisions when possible.

Runnerduck34 · 04/09/2023 19:55

If hes watching the game at home he can look after the dog and walk dog before or after the game.
For every away game he goes to you get a day to do something you like and he has the dog for the day.
There should be prior agreement/ conversations on weekend plans, not one way assumptions.
Whatever you do do not have children with this man unless these issues are resolved, if its this problematic with a dog it will be a million times worse with children!

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2023 19:55

the issue here though isn’t football or football fans it is a man who prioritises himself and his needs over the OP. The sleep abd not taking the puppy to his weekend family visits (which is a lot as well).

f

viques · 04/09/2023 19:55

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2023 19:51

The thing is, MN HATES football. And hates football fans. If you’d said your DP did a triathlon every 4-6 weeks and trained three times a week for it (for example), you’d have a different response op.

to me, pre-kids that seems a reasonable amount of hobby time.

but you’re clearly resentful, especially about the dog so something needs to change.

my advice would be to get yourself a life and stop Waiting around for a man 🤷‍♀️

Not entirely true, MN doesn’t really like football and doesn’t understand how playing in a match can take all day. MN really reserves its best hate for cycling.

TheCatterall · 04/09/2023 19:55

Massive squishes @Noisettegelato

I’d ask him to arrange a dog sitter for the weekends he is away so as to not leave you restricted as to what you can do and also so you can socialise without worry due to him yet again leaving you isolated due to football being a priority over you.

if he can’t reign in his behaviour when you already have the commitment of a dog together - you don’t stand any chance when children appear.

How much longer do you want to play second fiddle to 11 other men?

I also wouldn’t have him at events where he’s so rude he has to runaway mid event to watch his precious game.

Whats he like when the season ends? Twitchy?

id honestly be building my own life and going out to hobby groups, girls weekends away and retreats and leave him to sort out the dog and have at it with the football.

as for your birthday. Wow. I’d go all out on an activity with folks close to you and I wouldn’t be able to forgive him especially if he hasnt got something amazing lined up and just thinks it’s ok.

is his dad the same?

DrMarshaFieldstone · 04/09/2023 19:58

You forget how much MN also hates gamers.

Oakbeam · 04/09/2023 20:00

I once went to a wedding that had to be fitted around a football match. Unfortunately, the date arranged two years previously happened to coincide with a national team (I forget which) subsequently getting into some kind of final.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 04/09/2023 20:00

DrMarshaFieldstone · 04/09/2023 19:58

You forget how much MN also hates gamers.

Quote didn’t come through! That was to @viques and @BitOutOfPractice

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2023 20:03

Special hatred reserved for the nameless “hobby”!

LuluBlakey1 · 04/09/2023 20:03

I'm going to be Devil's Advocate. DH is football mad and supports a team 2 1/2 hours away. He grew up there, had had a season ticket for years, went to home and often away matches , watched them on tv- usually at the pub etc. Played on a local team 5 aside and a work team. When we didn't have DC it wasn't such an issue but he really wanted a baby. The deal was he had to give up the season ticket and going to matches and one of the weekly teams and the pub sessions.
He did. Hasn't had a season ticket for 9 years now- very occasionally he'll ask if he can go down to a match - probably twice a year. Goes to the pub once every couple of weeks and plays after work on a Friday night some weeks but is home by 6. He gets asked to Toon games every so often and I don't mind that - it's half an hour on the metro.
He takes his dad responsibilities very seriously.........is now coaching Saturday morning football for DS1 🙄

Bored1000 · 04/09/2023 20:06

Stop making yourself available for dog sitting and see what happens………if you don’t have plans make something up.

Consider very carefully what your life would be like before having children with this man as I personally think he won’t change (football tends to be an obsession) and you would possibly be doing the lions share of childcare and housework