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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider putting my toddler in the bin?

164 replies

inthvalley · 04/09/2023 16:43

Obviously lighthearted. But oh dear god, please, someone tell me when this hell that is parenting a toddler gets easier?

My 2.5 year old DD is beautiful, sweet, funny and very intelligent. On the flip side of that, she is also an actual demon. She doesn't sleep, she fights almost everything I try to do with her - nappy changes, getting in the car, out of the car, you name it - it's a fight. The tantrums are unbearable at times. Today I just stood there at the park there after several unsuccessful attempts to reason with / placate her, while she lay on grass kicking an screaming something incoherent and refusing to put her shoes on. It went on for 15-30 long minutes. I just stood there fighting back tears while people walked past and stared. I am in a permanent state of foggy brained, sleep deprived exhaustion and burn out, to such an extent that I cannot think in coherent sentences anymore. I dread my days off with her, because I'm too drained to do this anymore. I have no patience with her because it's just so overwhelming. I'd say around 70-80% of my day is hard work and overwhelming, and the other 20-30 is alright / good. Is this normal??

Does this get any easier? Please someone tell me when, before I put her in the bin. 😫

OP posts:
Nitgel · 04/09/2023 16:44

They get better at about 22 ime.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 16:45

@Nitgel 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Batatahara · 04/09/2023 16:47

For us, about 3 it started getting easier.

A random tip that I have seen others use too to good effect: to suprise her out of a tantrum, have one yourself. Get down on the floor, kick, scream etc. It's really cathartic and my kids find it absolutely hilarious.

I still do it when I can see them about to have a fuss about putting on their shoes etc, I get in early "I DON'T WANT TO PUT ON MY SHOES!!"

They now just laugh and put on their bloody shoes but they used to get in there and rationally explain to me why it didn't matter that my biscuit broke etc which was brilliant

bengalcat · 04/09/2023 16:47

It gets better way before 22 - we’ve all been there , crack on

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 16:49

Batatahara · 04/09/2023 16:47

For us, about 3 it started getting easier.

A random tip that I have seen others use too to good effect: to suprise her out of a tantrum, have one yourself. Get down on the floor, kick, scream etc. It's really cathartic and my kids find it absolutely hilarious.

I still do it when I can see them about to have a fuss about putting on their shoes etc, I get in early "I DON'T WANT TO PUT ON MY SHOES!!"

They now just laugh and put on their bloody shoes but they used to get in there and rationally explain to me why it didn't matter that my biscuit broke etc which was brilliant

😂 love this. I can only imagine the looks I'd have got in the park earlier if I'd done this next to her 😂

OP posts:
givemushypeasachance · 04/09/2023 16:49

The years are short but the days are long.

It is normal, but to cope you need downtime. Anyone can deal with a toddler doing irrational toddler things for five minutes, or half an hour. It's having to deal with it by yourself all day, and again by yourself all day the next day, and again, and again, that wears down your sanity. Often when you're sleep deprived and don't get a break to speak to other adults and be yourself. It's groundhog day.

Is it all on you? What does your husband/the dad do? Do you have family help? Is she in childcare? Free hours kick in at three, thankfully.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 04/09/2023 16:50

23 yrs 😁

fr4zzledmum · 04/09/2023 16:50

bengalcat · 04/09/2023 16:47

It gets better way before 22 - we’ve all been there , crack on

"Crack on" isn't really helpful. May as well just say get over it.

When you're struggling, although often you're not looking for a solution, just a moan, it's nice to at least have a bit of sympathy for someone - especially when we've all been there.

I found ages 1-3 CRAZY but DD is 4 and honestly so funny and easy(ier) now.

AutumnCrow · 04/09/2023 16:51

Oh bless you, OP, you're going through the wringer. (I saw your other thread.)

Fun answer: as pp said, around 22.

A bit more serious answer: childcare. A nanny. A childminder. A babysitter. A nursery. I had the lot over the years when I found myself in kind of similar circs, a long time ago. Worth every penny, so Mum could finally see the wood for the trees. Flowers

dullandgrey · 04/09/2023 16:53

I have a 3.5 year old and it's just started to get easier now.. still has his moments but if I give clear instructions and also a time limit for things 'we are leaving in 5 minutes....' he seems to go along with it much better. Likely cos his understanding of things has improved. It's hard though. Sympathies!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 04/09/2023 16:54

Oh, never try reasoning or placating. Tbh I used to just scroll or read a book while they thrashed around. Sometimes they need to get the tantrum out; all you can do is make sure they don’t hurt themselves – I’d move DD to the grass rather than the tarmac then let her get on with it. She’s very nice now. Aside from the fucking fours.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 16:54

givemushypeasachance · 04/09/2023 16:49

The years are short but the days are long.

It is normal, but to cope you need downtime. Anyone can deal with a toddler doing irrational toddler things for five minutes, or half an hour. It's having to deal with it by yourself all day, and again by yourself all day the next day, and again, and again, that wears down your sanity. Often when you're sleep deprived and don't get a break to speak to other adults and be yourself. It's groundhog day.

Is it all on you? What does your husband/the dad do? Do you have family help? Is she in childcare? Free hours kick in at three, thankfully.

She goes to nursery 4 days a week when I work, so I get a "break" (of sorts) when she's at nursery but not really a break for me as I'm at work.

Partner works away a lot so it's mostly on me. He's home to help around 10-12 days of the month.

No family help on either side.

OP posts:
Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 16:55

@AutumnCrow
Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Mariposista · 04/09/2023 16:56

No shoes? No problem. You walk in bare feet then. You will soon see that it hurts!

Batatahara · 04/09/2023 16:56

Can you take the odd day off while she is in nursery? This used to save our sanity

The other thing I would suggest is a bit of TV when you just need some time out

SeulementUneFois · 04/09/2023 16:57

Beg borrow and steal and put her in nursery an extra day.

gamerchick · 04/09/2023 16:58

You can't reason with a toddler. They're all ego. You pick them up, shove them under your arm like a plank of wood and lug them to the car. Or plonk them in the buggy and grab the inside leg bit so they can't slide out and strap them in.

Life's too short waiting half an hour before they burn themselves out.

Or do the match the screams. I've never known that to fail. Shocks them out of it.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 04/09/2023 16:58

Is she impossible to distract if you get in just before the tantrum? My motto with my 3 was always distract distract distract at that age (dh was always trying to reason with them which drove me mad because often it would undo my distraction) but my mum says this never worked on me at that age so I have no illusions about it working for everyone!
Solidarity. Some of them are like this but I promise it will pass.

Katmai · 04/09/2023 17:02

I second another pp's suggestion of a book. When she kicks off in the playground or the park and is writhing around on the grass screaming, just casually sit down anywhere, get your book out and start reading. Let her get it out of her system.

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 17:02

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 04/09/2023 16:58

Is she impossible to distract if you get in just before the tantrum? My motto with my 3 was always distract distract distract at that age (dh was always trying to reason with them which drove me mad because often it would undo my distraction) but my mum says this never worked on me at that age so I have no illusions about it working for everyone!
Solidarity. Some of them are like this but I promise it will pass.

Occasionally she can be distracted if I time it right. But it really depends on how overtired she is and whether she's napped that day etc. I also admittedly don't always time it right and/or have any energy left for distraction, especially on the 30th or so tantrum of the day and it's only lunch time. So sometimes I just let her thrash it out and try to switch off. It's the only way I can save my sanity as I'm so exhausted and burnt out. 😞

OP posts:
user14699084656 · 04/09/2023 17:05

Is Nursery 5 days a week possible, and have a day to yourself to recharge?
Toddlers, even well behaved ones are full on. I’d go out of my way not to spend time with an under 5’s now mine are grown up!

Original poster
inthvalley · 04/09/2023 17:07

Here's an example of the sheer level of unreasonableness I am dealing with:

She is currently tantrumming on the floor of the living room because I will not allow her to tip the wee that she just done in the potty out onto the carpet. 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 04/09/2023 17:16

Oh no that sounds exhausting.

Can you let her 'help' tip it down the loo?

Actually you might be as well to put the potty in the bathroom or downstairs loo if you have one.

My friend dealing with a tantrum leaving a park told her LO if she didn't stop she won't get back to the park. Tantrum continued. The next day drove her to the park and said - you could have had time at the park today but I don't have time to deal with a tantrum when I say it's hometime you have to leave - then she drove off.
Never dealt with another tantrum leaving the park. She is absolutely on the logic never give into a tantrum

PerspiringElizabeth · 04/09/2023 17:20

In what world is ‘it gets better at 22’ a fun answer?? Jesus.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/09/2023 17:20

One thing I found worked was indirect distraction (and it works on DGS too, but maybe that’s because he’s so like his daddy…) is to say in an exaggerated way to someone else (or just myself) “Oh dear, it’s such a shame XXX doesn’t want to put his shoes on to go out. I thought we might see next door’s cat/a big digger/a train/3 yellow cars] on our way but it looks like we won’t be able to do that.”
or
“Oh dear, it’s such a shame XXX is rolling about on the supermarket floor. I thought he might like to see if he can reach the [something vaguely interesting on the top shelf] if I lift him up.” With a bit of luck a passing parent will join in.

Or any variation on the above. The main idea is not to talk to the stropping small person directly because they continue to fight with you, but to let them overhear something potentially interesting on their own.

It’s exhausting nevertheless but FOMO works on people of all ages…