To consider putting my toddler in the bin?

[inthvalley]

Obviously lighthearted. But oh dear god, please, someone tell me when this hell that is parenting a toddler gets easier?

My 2.5 year old DD is beautiful, sweet, funny and very intelligent. On the flip side of that, she is also an actual demon. She doesn't sleep, she fights almost everything I try to do with her - nappy changes, getting in the car, out of the car, you name it - it's a fight. The tantrums are unbearable at times. Today I just stood there at the park there after several unsuccessful attempts to reason with / placate her, while she lay on grass kicking an screaming something incoherent and refusing to put her shoes on. It went on for 15-30 long minutes. I just stood there fighting back tears while people walked past and stared. I am in a permanent state of foggy brained, sleep deprived exhaustion and burn out, to such an extent that I cannot think in coherent sentences anymore. I dread my days off with her, because I'm too drained to do this anymore. I have no patience with her because it's just so overwhelming. I'd say around 70-80% of my day is hard work and overwhelming, and the other 20-30 is alright / good. Is this normal??

Does this get any easier? Please someone tell me when, before I put her in the bin. 😫

I quite frequently hold my 2.5yo under my arm and run, she thinks it's funny 😂 Bonus is you can get out of situations.

She doesn't tantrum though, just screeches until she gets what she wants or gets bored of screeching and she has a very long attention span ☠️ Lately she's been eating loads and has given up her hunger strike and is in borderline nap drop territory. She always naps at the childminders though (on a mat, so 100% her choice!) So I'm going to give it a month and see if she settles into a nice routine with a nap, or if her night sleep stays bad, I'll encourage dropping it. Constant snacks as well, I've been very complacent because she's just been picking at meals and didn't seem to need snacks and she's now an unfillable void. I like the snack cups with a little rubbery tops, I put cereal in them.

Two choices doesn't work for mine either. I say, "Blue coat or red coat?" and she says, "Not blue coat and not red coat!"

I find that clearly stated consequences, preferably ahead of time (so before she's started kicking off) work best, which is not to say always! And giving her some warning before we leave something she's enjoying (I do five minutes, then two minutes, and I often state what the consequence will be if she kicks off at the five minute warning) helps her get ready for it.

Mine picks both if I offer choices 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

We do this for things like ice lollies - she will ask for "red one and yellow one" out of the freezer. So I present both and say "red OR yellow, which one? And she'll say "Red and yellow" and try to take them both 😂

I had a 2.5yo DD too and I know what you mean about the battles, it sometimes just feels relentless.

My DD has very recently started STTN but we are now house sitting for my mum and her sleep has gone out the window again, she always wants me and when she comes into bed with us all she wants is to cuddle me and stroke my hair... and push me to the edge of the bed.

I follow a lot of gentle parenting pages on insta and fb, I've read a few of Sarah Ockwell-Smiths's books.

Lots of one-on-one connection time doing what they like, my daughter likes me to read to her so maybe I will sit and read her several books whilst we have a cuddle or I'll put some music on and we have a big dance.

Another thing is empathising, the amount of times she's been loosing it and I've said "you're sad, you wanted to do the toothbrush yourself, didn't you?" Just feeling like I understand her and her feelings, can calm her so much.

Warnings before we need to leave somewhere, talking about what we're going to do next or asking what we should do next, so making it our plan and our decision to go rather than my forcing her.

Routine too, I noticed during the school holidays when none of DD's toddler classes or playgroups were on, the upheaval in routine seems to have made her more volatile.

A big one for me which I recently agreed with her dad is that he makes sure that once a week he takes her out for a couple of hours and gives me time alone. I'm a SAHM and every time it is his day off we've always either doing something together or something round the house needs doing and I'm left doing 95% of the care, well I couldn't take it anymore and I was becoming a short tempered shouty parent.

Embrace it ,don't fight it. Its easier just to accept it 😂 she sounds exactly like Mt daughter and she's now 7 and has never changed. She is soo much hardwork but she is also so smart and funny. She has an opinion on everything and holds a conversation so well that it's like talking to another adult sometimes. However she's strong willed and the back chat is something else entirely. I've accepted that that is who she is and it won't change so really , you just need to learn how to bargain with her to get stuff done with less tantrums. I.e now if I wanted her to clean up her toys ,I'd say 'OK,so you need to pick up your toys in 5 minutes but after that we could do some painting or yous could have a yoghurt ' or something along those lines to sweeten the deal for her . Some might call it bribery but it works for us 😉

I used to have to use reins on DS as he was a runner. People sometimes side-eyed me but fuck them. They were literally keeping him alive. I remember a MN post referring to them as brilliant because when they have a tantrum you can just pick them up like a little angry handbag and I laughed for days every time I thought about it. I still get the giggles.

Anyway you get through the other side. For us, DS was about 4 when the switch flipped (or when he had all his software upgrades!) and he's been mostly lovely ever since. My DS has her toddlers now and swears that ours were little angels and hers are broken. She keeps threatening to stick them on Ebay but I disagree. She made them so they go on Etsy.

I’d feel like her if I didn’t get enough sleep. At 2.5 she should be getting around 12 hours at night and maybe still a nap during day. Sort out her sleep. It can be taught. It’s important as you know because you feel awful without it. Babies and children don’t arrive knowing what’s best for them we are there to help guide and teach them, when to sleep, what to eat…etc.

The number of tantrums we had because we had the nerve to give them exactly what they asked for. There is no reasoning with a toddler. None.

If I was out and distraction/instruction didn’t work, they’d go under my arm kicking and screeching until they stopped or I got where we were going. I haven’t got 30 mins to read a book in Sainsbury’s while they roll around yelling in the aisle. At home I’d leave them to it. Often I just used to laugh at the sheer lunacy of what they tantrummed about.

Oh, and that style of tantrum stops about two and a half in my experience. Then sometime after 3 they turn into little dictators for a while. Then you get a period where they’re lovely until about 7 or a bit older.

Get her in the bin before she's too big for the bin.

I have 3 DC 9,7 and 1, the ages before 4 are bloody difficult you have my sympathy. I do find forcing logical thinking the way to break most tantrum. I would sit near the screaming kid and pick up anything- and talk to myself loudly-' oh this rock is pretty is a blue rock, a lovely blue rock etc' most of the time kid would notice and stop screaming to correct me in it's not blue, then I'd ask another logic based question big small- loud quiet etc and calmly steer the child to something away from cause of stress. I think I read somewhere they have to shut off their tantrum brain to switch on logic part can't do both at same time, no idea if totally true but hasn't failed me yet

Some great ideas here. One haven’t seen but HRTFT is exaggerated empathy and giving her what she wants in imagination. This levels off the dopamine crash causing the tantrum (or something like that).

So ‘no! I don’t want to put my shoes on!!

’You don’t want want to put your shoes on?! You hate wearing shoes!! You wish you never had to wear shoes again!! No more shoes! I wish you didn’t have to out on your shoes too. It takes up time. But i
shies keep our feet from hurting from stones and things. How about we put your shoes on and get home and have a biscuit’

I used to start big and loud and match DC energy (without being angry) and then gradually calm down my voice. If they said ‘yes!’ Or some other indication they felt I ‘got it’ I knew it would work.

The other thing I learned was setting things up to succeed. So making a plan and telling them what would happen after. Letting them know that if they did what I asked quickly and without fuss, what the positive would be; eg ‘if when it’s time to leave you come without a fuss we will get home in time to….(insert something nice).

Good sleep, food and hydration for all helps too. Helps keeps us all regulated! You don’t want to meet me when I’m hangry!

good luck!!

MushroomQueen

oh yes!! Good one. Yes. Lower brain is the tantruming bit. Upper brain the thinking bit. Good call!

• but shoes keep

i had this with my first and I’m dreading it coming up with my second who is already more stubborn 😂

we’ve picked him up and carried him to the car kicking and screaming because he wouldn’t put his shoes on and then he cried for his shoes 🤣

we do a countdown for when we have to leave places which we find helps. It doesn’t even need to be accurately timed but counting down so he knows we’re leaving has actually helped.

we also count down from 5 if he’s not listening. Which worked until he started grinning and counting down with us. He always knew the consequences of zero and that worked about 70% of the time. Now he counts me down to zero 🙈

it definitely got easier when he got to 4. He became a bit easier to reason with 😂

Reasoning with a toddler is like plaiting fog - don't waste your energy

Parents aren't looking at you BTW - they're sending you "you've fucking got this, you're doing really well, honestly, even if it doesn't feel like it!!" vibes. I promise.

My toddler, slightly younger than yours, has not worn shoes unless absolutely necessary in about a month. It’s not worth the hysterical tantrum and she’s lost 2 pairs taking them off and chucking them without me noticing. She loves a tantrum over absolutely anything. It’s been a huge shock to my system, I can count on one hand the number of tantrums my 6 year old has thrown. She was a delightful toddler, went a bit wonky at around 3-4 but still not tantrums and now we just have to contend with her smart mouth all day. People probably judge me when it gets to day 4/5 of incessant talking and screaming I’m begging them to JUST SHUT UP but honestly, I don’t care. They’re more than welcome to deal with them for a bit and see how they feel 😂
Just to add, I do love them, I really do. But I also question why I had them sometimes 😅

You cannot reason with a toddler so I found the best way to deal with mine many moons ago was never to ask them to do something that they could answer with a 'yes' or a 'no'. For example I'd never say 'Will you come here and put your shoes on please?', I'd say 'Do you want to put your red shoes on or your blue shoes?'. They can't answer 'yes' or 'no'! This works for most things, they feel like they have a choice and you are actually getting your own way. It was the only thing that worked with my DS!

Ooh I might try this, thank you!

Oh lord, my sympathies, I'm with you all the way on this one! Mine's only 18 months but behaves exactly the same...

I have been through this with my DD & ended up seeking professional advise.
The things that worked for us in regards to bed time, let her choose 2 stories, give her warning when the story is about to finish and then it is time to go sleep and no further engagement from you.
Let her choose from 2 outfits to get dressed. It doesn’t particularly matter if you don’t like what she is wearing or doesn’t match, if she has chosen it then she is more likely to comply.
Decide if her behaviour warrants a consequence or if she needs extra reassurance and nurturing (if tired ect)
Don’t give time scales, like 5 minutes as they don’t understand. Say things like 2 more goes on the slide and it’s time to go!
Lots and Lots of positive praise! Ignore the bad, praise the good!

If it was a clean bin, with the lid off, in same room with some snacks thrown in, and you set a timer so you dont go past 30 minutes ( enough to get say ....an epiode of friends in..) I really don't see the issue?!

Hang in there Mum, your doing awesome...your good days will increase soon, until your just having the odd bad! Before you know it life becomes bearable, and you once again have your shit together... Good luck!

This will pass. Give it six months or so. In the meantime, dial back the pressure on yourself. Look for patterns and ways you can make things easier for yourself. She's a work in progress, just as you are. Keep things in perspective. Is she healthy? Are you healthy? Got all arms and legs? Excellent!

Don't forget to store up the best anecdotes so when she's older you can tell her all the funny things she did as a toddler.

I know this might be a different take on your situation…but, I had a toddler just like yours. Totally out of control, unreasonable, long temper tantrums…come to find out, he had sensory processing disorder. Now, with early access, speech, OT, preschool, he is doing so much better and is way more regulated. So, I dunno…just a thought. (I was at the end of my rope, too. I get it!)

Just here to say you are not alone. I have twins 2.5yrs and I’m a FT SAHM. so I feel the pain.