To consider putting my toddler in the bin?

[inthvalley]

Obviously lighthearted. But oh dear god, please, someone tell me when this hell that is parenting a toddler gets easier?

My 2.5 year old DD is beautiful, sweet, funny and very intelligent. On the flip side of that, she is also an actual demon. She doesn't sleep, she fights almost everything I try to do with her - nappy changes, getting in the car, out of the car, you name it - it's a fight. The tantrums are unbearable at times. Today I just stood there at the park there after several unsuccessful attempts to reason with / placate her, while she lay on grass kicking an screaming something incoherent and refusing to put her shoes on. It went on for 15-30 long minutes. I just stood there fighting back tears while people walked past and stared. I am in a permanent state of foggy brained, sleep deprived exhaustion and burn out, to such an extent that I cannot think in coherent sentences anymore. I dread my days off with her, because I'm too drained to do this anymore. I have no patience with her because it's just so overwhelming. I'd say around 70-80% of my day is hard work and overwhelming, and the other 20-30 is alright / good. Is this normal??

Does this get any easier? Please someone tell me when, before I put her in the bin. 😫

@Pinkglittery

Feral cat 😂😂😂
thank you for that much needed laugh!

Yes I do pick my battles so to speak. There are hills I will die on, like anything dangerous or disgusting like wee being poured on my carpet.

But then I have my 'path of least resistance' moments too - like, today, she eventually complied with the shoes on request (after 30 mins of utter hell ish screaming), but insisted they needed to go on opposite feet. I attempted to correct her and the tantrum began to escalate again... So I just let her crack on, walking through the park whimpering with her crocs on the wrong feet 🤷‍♀️

I hate watching influencer videos and their 'gentle parenting' techniques. There's no negotiating with these mini terrorists. A lot of patience and sighing here from an exhausted nearly two year old who decided to start his terrible twos a few months too early #saveme

Make sure you at least recycle her properly.

My newly 2 year old can join her in the bin. He's just poured water all over my freshly repaired laptop. I had to take a minute to compose myself

😂😞

@Itssnotunusual

Oh god no! Sending condolences and strength to you!

You can't reason with a 2yo - their language is deceptive, they can't follow anywhere near as much as it seems they can.

Treat them like dogs, feed them regularly and predictably, plenty of fresh air and exercise to stop them destroying your house, lots of praise when they do what you want but don't go on about long explanations, they won't help. One or two word instructions are best, preferably backed up with instant action. Mostly, control the environment rather than expecting a toddler to have self control, and teach/encourage incompatible behaviours to replace behaviours that you don't like. Expect them to resist all attempts at washing and grooming. Lots of love and cuddles.

One of mine is 27.....still waiting

I think it's best to just ignore, then as soon as it stops pretend it never happened and move on to something fun and positive. There is literally no reasoning with a tantruming 2 year old, but if they see it gets absolutely no attention (but that when they stop doing it they get positive attention) they stop doing it fairly quickly I found.

People aren’t watching you and judging, they’re looking and thinking ‘Thank goodness it’s not me!’. I remember when DS had a tantrum in a shopping centre and I grabbed his foot and dragged him over to a bench so I could sit down while he got over it. Another mum looked and said ‘Why did I never think of doing that!’

They want to do things like pouring wee on the floor because they are trying to understand the world and how everything works. It's a purely physics based experiment. In that situation I'd just take it swiftly out of reach and say no, wee goes in the toilet. Then if I wanted to indulge the pouring random things urge then I'd redirect to sand or rice or water in the bath or outside. Maybe even different colours water with food colouring or something like that.

They are very much in a physical stage. Have a look at Montessori schemas. These are really useful to understand toddler play. Once you figure out what schema she is in, you can offer her loads of activities which fit that rather than the ones where you know it will have destructive results, that she doesn't understand yet.

The language part comes more online around 4ish, so they stop being quite so obsessed with discovering physical reality (which means that they get less destructive) and they also start getting better at reasoning, logic, and being able to hold two ideas in mind (e.g. I carry on and mummy will be cross vs I do what mummy asks and she'll be happy) and use that to make a choice. They don't always make the choice you'd hope for, but they can at least do it. Which IME they can't really at 2.5.

You do then get a lot of why and a lot of explanations and plans, which can be amazing or can be frustrating in it's own way.

What saved my sanity is putting my 2 year old in nursery 5 (shorter) days a week (he loves it) and I still take my day off to myself. Mostly to get errands done, but it’s also there if I need a rest or god forbid I do something for myself

There used to be a reddit thread called ´reasons my toddler is crying’. It was always hilarious nonsense.
One way to deal with people looking when they tantrum in public is to give a short explanation of their unreasonableness.
Tantrum in the supermarket. ‘I wouldn’t buy him the pretty bottle of vodka’.
Tantrum at the park ´She wanted to go over the top on the swings’.
Sometimes it isn’t so funny but everyone who’s dealt with a toddler remembers having the same tantrum.
At the supermarket ‘He wants all the toys and I said no toys today’
At the park. ‘She wanted to stay on the swings but we had to let some other kids have a go’.
Clear expectations and avoiding situations where you know it will all go wrong can help reduce tantrum frequency - never take a toddler into a toyshop! (Yes I found that out the hard way). It’s acceptable to put shoes on in the car or on the front step after carrying your tiny dictator outside and shutting the front door.
But sometimes it’s just inevitable. And sometimes even they’ve understood and accepted what needs to happen they can’t just turn off their emotions so have to listen to 15minutes of screaming anyway.

Haha this is very sound advice, I like this. I'm going to remember this mantra - "treat them like dogs". 😂

Thanks for the laugh OP.

Yes. I know that feeling....

Don't worry. It will get better....

And breathe.

Your post really resonated with me. I had one of those too. It was complete and utter hell, particularly as my first dc had been an easy baby and toddler so I was blindsided by it. Various incidents too outing to mention are still talked about in my NCT group. It was so exhausting and sucked all the fun out of life. I can laugh about it now but at the time it was terrible...and I'm afraid it only started to improve when she started school.

It doesn't go on forever. DD's now a lovely teenager, although still very much has a mind of her own. (And - unashamed parental boast alert - I comfort myself with the idea that the sheer grit and determination she put into defying me at every point as a toddler helped her get her ten 9s at GCSE...)

It's the best trick.

My ds was about to go off onto a moan about me asking him something reasonable as a teen.

Before he got there (having read it too late for toddler stage but read on Mn) I did a kw win and Perry type "yeah but no but" response.

He looked at me quizzically and said "what are you doing?" To which I laughed and said "exactly what you were about to do for the umpteenth time this week." 🤣🤣

He never did it again!

And if she lays down and it takes ages and ages you have to teach natural consequences. It takes her 30 minutes to leave the park. Your 30 minutes later than planned. So she'll miss her tv programme before dinner. "Oh well. Next time out your shoes on quicker"

It's a bloody storm no one wants to weather but they do come through it!

I faked a tantrum once about wanting pants with monkeys on like ds1 had. By the end I had started to feel it was actually quite unjust that they don’t make monkey pants in adult women sizes. For years after the children were asking me to pretend I wanted monkey pants. (Oh happy days when the children thought I was hilarious!)

When DD was 4/5 yo used to put her in the recycling bin to make more room for paper and card.
She loved jumping up and down in the bin a squealing in excitement.

Sorry must be something in my eye, have to go. ❤️❤️

Various thoughts.

You see relatively very little of your toddler. She might "just" be trying to make sure she has your full attention when she has you captive. Given that you presumably can't see more of her, you've got to just ride it out, keep as calm as you can, and let it pass. Distract as much as possible. With the potty, for example, let her have her tantrum and then move swiftly on to something that will capture her imagination or make her laugh.

FWIW, I think it's a million times harder to look after toddlers if you don't do it 24/7. If you're doing it all the time, it becomes second nature (and one of mine was a devil toddler).

If you can, Be More Toddler. Slow down to her pace. Do less with her. Sometimes a walk to the shop and back is enough sensory input for a toddler. Involve her in whatever you're doing when you're at home. Again, I think this feels quite hard when it's not your 'job', not least as you presumably (reasonably) look forward to a bit of time to yourself when you're not at work. If looking after toddlers is all you do, you give up the idea of having even a micro second undisturbed.

Bear in mind that we all have our own favourite phases of child-rearing. I found babies uninteresting and primary age 'fine but meh'. My absolute favourite phase was when mine were all anarchic toddlers together - but you may find that you love having teenagers, which I found a mixture of very tedious and a fucking nightmare (apart from Devil Child, who was an angelic teenager...).

4 is the golden spot - enjoy it when it comes!

I think it gets easier at around 3 when they can communicate more and they're ever so slightly less irrational, and a bit less physically dependent on you.

As others have said, it's so important to find a way to carve some time for yourself. Otherwise the relentless nature of parenting can get really heavy.

Solidarity!

😂

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and as bad as I feel for wishing time away I honestly cannot wait for my youngest to be older. He is such hard work, not yet talking and headbutts when upset.
The last 6 weeks summer holidays have been soul destroying with him tantrumming all over the place and the 4 year olds sassiness.
I love them but fuck me they are SAVAGE!