To consider putting my toddler in the bin?

[inthvalley]

Obviously lighthearted. But oh dear god, please, someone tell me when this hell that is parenting a toddler gets easier?

My 2.5 year old DD is beautiful, sweet, funny and very intelligent. On the flip side of that, she is also an actual demon. She doesn't sleep, she fights almost everything I try to do with her - nappy changes, getting in the car, out of the car, you name it - it's a fight. The tantrums are unbearable at times. Today I just stood there at the park there after several unsuccessful attempts to reason with / placate her, while she lay on grass kicking an screaming something incoherent and refusing to put her shoes on. It went on for 15-30 long minutes. I just stood there fighting back tears while people walked past and stared. I am in a permanent state of foggy brained, sleep deprived exhaustion and burn out, to such an extent that I cannot think in coherent sentences anymore. I dread my days off with her, because I'm too drained to do this anymore. I have no patience with her because it's just so overwhelming. I'd say around 70-80% of my day is hard work and overwhelming, and the other 20-30 is alright / good. Is this normal??

Does this get any easier? Please someone tell me when, before I put her in the bin. 😫

We would go somewhere - eg Merry Hill Shopping Centre, or Gloucester or somewhere to visit and 'sight-see,' and she would want to come back after about 30 minutes. She whinged and bitched so much that often we gave up and went home after only an hour - to an hour and a half somewhere. She was only OK if it was Disneyland or a funfair or a beach... something SHEwanted to do

TBF, @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps , I'm fully Team DD on that one.

I use to blow in my toddler’s face when he was wriggling his way out of the cat seat straps.

Also, pick your battles, did she really need her shoes on?

As a colleague cheerfully said to me when I had my first baby ‘don’t worry, the first 40 years are the worst’.

It gets easier with time. By 4 they are mostly reasonable. Or 5.

Though my 7yo old, who has a gum infection and so we brush his teeth until it clears, just complained in a whiny tantrumy voice that the amount of toothpaste DH or I usually put on his toothbrush is “cabbage sized”. At least you can laugh at that.

It was a stony / gravely path from where we were to where we needed to walk to. I do pick my battles. But that would have hurt her feet.

Also the shoe refusal wasn't even the main part of the tantrum. They got kicked off mid tantrum. She was screaming something incoherent and kicking her feet about so wildly that they flew off (crocs)

My DD1 tantrumed for 13 hours on her 2nd birthday. A memorable occasion.

She also never slept at night but napped like a champion. She had audiobooks on a reel all night so that she would stay in bed and let me sleep.

With DD2 I learnt a trick. I'd say as she kicked off "Go and get your teddy and lie down on the sofa (which was next door to the kitchen) and when you're feeling better you can come and join us." Worked a treat. Learnt to calm down much faster than me trying to deal with it.

I feel your pain.

My eldest very nearly went in the bin the day that she tantrumed the whole day because I wouldn’t/couldn’t give her a wild duck which she had seen in the middle of the lake we were walking round.

It’s because a bit of a family legend now that she’s 8 and mostly reasonable. I still bring it up occasionally when she looks like she might have a strop so I’m clearly not completely over it yet, 6 years later!

I think it's so difficult as they are so different my now 4 year old is so much harder than when he was 2 and my 2.5 year old daughter is similar to yours. (Hopefully this means she will be better at 3/4?) !!

I would put both mine in the bin now but we forgot bin day and it's full

I really feel for you OP. I would say don’t try to reason with her/placate her. She’s unable to listen to you or process anything when she’s having a tantrum. Keep quiet, ride it out then cuddles when she’s calmed down. I always think it must be scary for the child as they are out of control. Less is definitely more.

I was 21 when I had DS only a child myself really.
I thought his tantrums were hilarious and pretty much either laughed or ignored them.
But in those days I had boundless energy. Thank God I don't have any grandchildren because they would drive me mental now.
I think tolerance to toddlers only exists when you are very young.

Assuming you don’t have older, school age children too? If you don’t, make the most of not having to use your holiday to cover school holidays and book the occasional random day off when she’s in nursery. It saved my sanity and I wish I’d done it more often (and not felt guilty about it!)

I think different people just find different stages easier or harder.

I do think toddlers are a million times worse if you don't understand the sensory whole body physical exploration thing they are doing, and if you think they understand logic and reason so keep trying to use this with them or expecting them to follow verbal directions.

I love the chaos that they bring, I think it's marvellous but I know a lot of people find that stressful as well. I find 4-6 extremely tough and the rest of primary rather wearing. Teenagers are great (so far), babies funny, newborns amazing but toddlers are my absolute favourite age.

Sod that
Put her in 5 days and have a day to yourself.
Life is too short.

The first 18 years are definitely the worst

But on a more helpful level, I would agree with this. You both need Time Out 😬

I have a DS who was very like this. At 3.5 he is still really hard work but marginally easier than at 2.5 because he can do a bit more for himself and can sometimes be reasoned (or bribed) into doing what I want him to do.

I remember reading advice about offering choices and making things into a game when he was 2.5 and it just not being viable because I would have needed a game for everything I wanted him to do and he seemed to have a sixth sense for when I was trying to manipulate him into doing something. Every part of getting him dressed, teeth brushed, into car seat etc. was a battle for a while. He has always been fairly articulate and learnt to scream “I don’t like any of those choices” early on. Or I’d give him a choice of two t- shirts and he’d immediately choose something else completely inappropriate from his drawer and tantrum if I wouldn’t let him wear it. I’m not sure picking battles always worked even (though I did) because he would sometimes be in a mood where he was going to tantrum about something and it didn’t matter what so it would end up being he had too much / too little cereal and if some cereal was added or taken away it would be the opposite etc.

Even now, even if he has agreed to have his teeth brushed or whatever it is, he will only do it if he can choose the place in the room to stand or make some other arbitrary decision about it. The strategies do generally work better though as there are slightly fewer battles to apply them to and he understands more than at 2.

I remember the health visitor coming round for his 2 year check and he decided that the health visitor and me should go into the bathroom and when we wouldn’t follow him in there he spent almost an hour screaming for me from the toilet.

I really try to stay calm with him and get calmer the more worked up he gets. He gets so stressed about stuff it can rub off on me but that just makes him worse.

He can also be lovely and beautifully behaved for quite long periods.

I do find acknowledging his feelings helpful to a point and started doing that when he was around 2 but it didn’t necessarily help in the moment. And lots of praise even for the smallest thing done right- I got quite negative about DS for a while and it probably made him worse.

Anyway, I feel your pain!

I could have written this myself…only I was trapped in my screaming 2.5 yo DD’s bedroom dutifully stroking all of her limbs gently until she finally drifted off the sleep (the ONLY thing I can do to stop her having an hour meltdown and upsetting her 3yo autistic brother who has the misfortune of having a bedroom right beside hers)

The other day she threw a hysterical 30 minute tantrum because she wanted the cat to open her yogurt not mummy.

She also doesn’t sleep, her brother does but wakes at 5:30am

Solidarity

I went through a phase like this with my son was constant tantrums hurting himself or me. One thing I found that helped was doing less, I looked at our schedule and I was cramming so much in on my days off. That there was very little time for just me and him to have a movie afternoon or play at home; one big thing that helped was having one day a week with no where to be no set time to leave the house etc. I have found it really helps. Of course he still has tantrums but they are less and shorter. Sleep also helps for us both I see you say your struggling there is that naps or nighttime ?
Once they learn to communicate more it does get easier, don't feel bad for walking away taking a moment to yourself. It's bloody hard and I'm sure your doing better than you let yourself believe xx

@Circe7

Yes my DD will shout "NO! I don't like it!" to anything and everything she doesn't want to do.
She's also learned the concept of the naughty step (which I try occasionally in desperation when she kicks / hits me) - and I always explain to her afterwards why I sat her there and what was naughty about her behaviour etc, e.g. "mummy sat you here because you hit mummy and that hurts, now you need to say sorry". She will then say "sorry mummy" and give me a hug. Anyway she now parrots those words back to me if I ask her to do something she doesn't want to, for example:

Me: "DD, come here please so mummy can put change your nappy / put your shoes on / brush your teeth (insert any other request that she finds objectionable)"

DD: "no mummy! That's not nice! Now say sorry!"

🤦🏼‍♀️

We have many an exchange along the above lines, with me trying not to burst into fits of laugher 😂

That's not really affordable unfortunately. I could maybe put her in one extra day a month, but not all of them.

With my eldest, turning 3 was the game changer. Everything felt easier. My youngest is now 2.5 so I keep reminding myself of that fact every time we have one of "those" days 🤣

Ah thank you x

Oh dear! You poor thing, right in the thick of it! My son was such an intense and furious little thing at that age. By far the worst and longest tantrums of any of the kids I knew, he was frightening! He’s 11 now and so super relaxed and happy I think sometimes it’s a different boy! Don’t put her in the bin, she’ll just carry on raging in there xx