To consider putting my toddler in the bin?

[inthvalley]

Obviously lighthearted. But oh dear god, please, someone tell me when this hell that is parenting a toddler gets easier?

My 2.5 year old DD is beautiful, sweet, funny and very intelligent. On the flip side of that, she is also an actual demon. She doesn't sleep, she fights almost everything I try to do with her - nappy changes, getting in the car, out of the car, you name it - it's a fight. The tantrums are unbearable at times. Today I just stood there at the park there after several unsuccessful attempts to reason with / placate her, while she lay on grass kicking an screaming something incoherent and refusing to put her shoes on. It went on for 15-30 long minutes. I just stood there fighting back tears while people walked past and stared. I am in a permanent state of foggy brained, sleep deprived exhaustion and burn out, to such an extent that I cannot think in coherent sentences anymore. I dread my days off with her, because I'm too drained to do this anymore. I have no patience with her because it's just so overwhelming. I'd say around 70-80% of my day is hard work and overwhelming, and the other 20-30 is alright / good. Is this normal??

Does this get any easier? Please someone tell me when, before I put her in the bin. 😫

Gently op (and apologies if someone has already asked) what are you doing to discipline this behaviour rather than distracting/pleading with her?

we live in a world of gentle parenting now and it shows. Authoritative parenting combined with gentle parenting (not to be mistaken for passive parenting) works. It won’t help with sleep issues completely. But it does with behaviour.

Kids have too much say these days imo.

I would just like to offer some reassurance ..... my DD was horrendous for tantrums until about age 4. Ever since she has been lovely. She's a teen now and is still lovely. So don't despair, it does get better!

I just explained about the naughty step and explaining to her when her behaviour is wrong.

My DC3 was awful aged 2-3, and has been slowly improving since age 3.5 (he's now 4). I found it got better before he got to 3.5 though as I got more experienced at avoiding his triggers.

Some examples of ones for us were him being hungry, being tired or being overwhelmed. I used to take a buggy right up to age 4 almost everywhere, because when he started getting overwhelmed I'd coax him in to it with food, and then it also give him a quieter place to chill. It's also a lot easier to transport a tantruming heavy 3 year old in a buggy than under your arm. I also found that I got better at reading when different strategies (like offering choices) would help, and when it would just make things worse.

It is tough though, he has completely cured me of the desire for any more children!

😂
This made me laugh (your last sentence).

I'm pleased your son has improved! There's hope for my DD yet then!

My daughter is now 4.5 and no longer totally ragey and irrational. Still headstrong but she is decent company 70% of the time. The 30% is bossiness and moaning. You can get through it! I was/am dreadful at dealing with noise and tantrums etc. I think the noise disables my brain and I can never think myself creatively out of it. At some point I just decided to survive it rather than master it 😂

It gets better slowly. My dd had an excellent trick of going rigid so I couldn’t possibly get her in her car seat. I had to pretend to drive off after a notable 45 minute tantrum, with her kicking and screaming on the pavement.

I never worked out how to stop them. I turned into a very calm person as there was no point joining in. She is at secondary school now and still has her moments, but is much better.

At one stage I did sticker charts for the really difficult stuff - getting into the car and putting her shoes on, and we had a ‘happy box’ full of little prizes for when she had five stickers. I didn’t have to bribe either of my other two in the same way but dd is feisty.

on the plus side, she’ll be a strong woman in 30 years.

One more thing - it took me until she was about 9 to realise this, but she was sometimes having a strop because she was hangry. So I came to meet her from
school with an apple or cereal bar straight away to avoid this.

This sounds like my 2 year old daughter. Add her 3.5 year old brother into the mix. He starts preschool in 2 weeks. He was a nightmare a year ago but now helps me with her so kind of dreading him being away 🤣 little demon children, good job they are cute. Oh and by the way, I offer my children daily which bin they will be shoved in, black, blue or brown 🤣🤣🤣

Sympathy. Deep sympathy. My daughter was a ferocious tantrummer, and so irrational about the reasons that I once missed that she was feverish and actually hallucinating!

Lots of good advice here, especially about exercise and controlling the environment and not expecting too much... early talkers sound more rational than they are! I used to have a sign up in my kitchen I made which just said 'it won't last'. It helped when things were tough. True about the lovely bits and the tough bits alike. Good luck!

See also: teenagers. It's never ending 😭

yup its fucking shit until they reach mid 20's .
The rewards will come in leaps and bounds later on.
Tough at the start admittedly, but stick in there... what choice do you have?
I'm honest with my DD's, now successful career women that they were complete little shits until school age.
Motherhood is a complete fucking myth

You have my sympathy, one of mine was like this and it was exhausting. Thankfully he's grown into a decent tantrum-free adult( for the most part!) A great tip a colleague gave me was to give them two choices, both of which will give you the right result. 'Do you want to climb into the car yourself or do you want Mummy to lift you in?'
You can also call their bluff. DS refused to get dressed for nursery one day and I was close to running late for a meeting. I gave him the option of getting dressed NOW or going to nursery with no clothes on. Started to pack the clothes in the nursery bag and opened the door and said 'come on then' - funnily enough he decided to get dressed then but I would have followed through. Nursery would have understood.
I had a really good health visitor who I asked for help. She talked about distraction - and got the chance to show me what she meant although conceded he wasn't easy to distract! Things like 'ooh look at the bird in the tree', she said sometimes they just need permission to back down. She also said to make sure he didn't get too tired as typically tantrums are worse when tired. Easier said than done, I know. but another option one 'do you want to have a nap in bed or should I bring your blanket down and you can nap on the sofa' sometimes did the trick.
These things won't always work but worth a try. That said, I do know it's hard to try these things when you're exhausted and at the end of your tether. Good luck OP, I know how tough it is x

Ime 2 - 4 is just survival if you have a wilful child. She refused the buggy, the car seat, holding hands, so we threw reins on and hoped for the best. She improved around 5.

My little angel is 3, just.
He has always been huffy, emotional & full-on, but I remember 2.5 being particularly dreadful & the tantrums were constant. My personal highlight was dragging him out of an expensive kid's farm after 45mins because he wanted a 6ft display tractor in the gift shop, wouldn't step away from it and basically had a breakdown. People stared, I may have cried.
Potty training - I was losing the will to live, then he suddenly just got it at age 3. It's been a breeze ever since 🤷
I think of him as like a little computer, constantly getting version upgrades. I can tell when an upgrade is in progress, as everything is super difficult and unpredictable, but the consolation is he emerges suddenly with much better functionality and skills 😂
Definitely hitting 3 has been a turning point to an extent.... Although the tantrums have a similar ferocity, he is now aware of & understands consequences, & that mummy means it when she threatens to just take him home. Tantrums at home, yes, I'm still a bit stuck for consequences he actually cares about but whilst in public, the tide is very slowly turning.
In short, sending sympathy and solidarity!!

Oh and the two choices thing didn't work for her. She saw through that. I tried every technique previously mentioned. Some children impervious to everything.

'When and then' phrases plus Haribo.. as in 'when you let me strap you in your car seat, then you can have these'.

I know.. sweets v sanity.

Also, picking them up mid tantrum doesn't work - mine seem to almost dislocate their joints to slip out of a firm hold.

You still have puberty to go. Good luck

It does get easier when they start earning money or figure out what they want to do or both. You have to steer them in the right direction. I get a little bit of attitude from my 17 year old now and then and I can live with that. It was hard between the ages of 13 and 16 it's their emotions you have to deal with and it's not always rational. It does get easier.

Op kids do get easier.
But try to give some choices, do you want to go now or in 5 mins?
Do you want x or y?

Tantrums that stick in my mind, Thomas socks he didn't want to wear a matching pair he wanted one Thomas and one James. But Thomas was on a white sock, James was grey so looked stupid to me but I eventually gave up that fight.

@MisdemeanorOnTheFloor

Haha I love the computer update analogy! Definitely going to hang onto that one 😊

Just to say, I do offer choices at times when it's appropriate to do so and also do the "when and then" phrasing. It works around maybe 20% of the time 😭

@Carpediemmakeitcount thank you ... yes we have a very emotional 14yo!

Before you throw her away, next time she lays on the ground kicking and screaming, lay down next to her and do the same. I got this tip years ago and it works. I did it in the middle of a clothing store. My daughter looked at me like I was crazy for acting like that, got up and never did it again. Even if it doesn’t work everybody gets a laugh. Because almost every adult anywhere has had a toddler demon so they know. Whatever you do, don’t let it bother you so much. It’s totally okay to laugh and just roll with it. Seriously, what else can you do. There’s no reasoning with a toddler. Same goes for teenagers, it’s a very similar phase lol. Might as well laugh about it. Make sure you film some so you can show her when she’s older too! It’s so horrendous you have to flip it and have fun with it.

Mine goes totally limp and slips through my hands, bonking her head on the floor for maximum drama 😅