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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my son have his own room now?

173 replies

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 08:40

Just moved house. 2 eldest sons insisted they shared the largest room.

I offered them the option of one having the 2nd reception room downstairs as their bedroom so everyone has their own room but they declined.

Had this discussion several times with them. Always the same, they want to share.

So, I buy a £200 table and chair set from marketplace for the dining room. Wallpaper (to my taste for a dining room, not a teen boys bedroom) accessories, a sideboard etc

They get heavy wooden, double ottoman beds built (on 3rd floor btw!) set up their drawers from flat pack, wardrobes etc.

Now weeks later they're asking can one of them move into the reception room.

AIBU to say no, because I must have asked them 10 times.

I've bought everything to do it out as a dining room now.

It would mean taking a wooden bed, wardrobe, drawers, heavy double mattress down 2 flights of stairs.

I've got enough to do.

AIBU to say you made the decision now you have to stick with it?!

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 04/09/2023 08:42

Yeah maybe say no for now and you can reassess in a couple of years.

PortalooSunset · 04/09/2023 08:46

I think YABU. They tried it, it didn't work for them. You bought the table & chairs on marketplace so you can sell them there too. They'll have to deal with the wallpaper (mine wouldn't notice it).
If they're old enough they can help move the furniture.

But - you could tell them they need to stick it out until half term/you next have a break from work maybe so you've got the time to do it all.

Talipesmum · 04/09/2023 08:48

Absolutely not unreasonable. Reassess in a couple of years. (How old are they?)

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/09/2023 08:49

How old are they?

Rewis · 04/09/2023 08:49

Are they old enough to understand consequences when they made the decision to share?

Pineapplestropical · 04/09/2023 08:50

I would make them share for a bit as you did ask 10 times and children should learn to follow through with decisions. If it doesn't work out after a settling in period then you may need to reassess but at least they will have given it a fair chance.

Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 08:50

PortalooSunset · 04/09/2023 08:46

I think YABU. They tried it, it didn't work for them. You bought the table & chairs on marketplace so you can sell them there too. They'll have to deal with the wallpaper (mine wouldn't notice it).
If they're old enough they can help move the furniture.

But - you could tell them they need to stick it out until half term/you next have a break from work maybe so you've got the time to do it all.

But it's not just that is it? It's the principle, they know what it's like sharing a room as they did it at the previous house, so it's nothing new.

They had years of experience of being in a room together, hence me saying time and time again it's better to have your own room. Which was ignored.

I was looking forward to having a dining room too. Was happy to forgo it initially for a bedroom but now I've bought everything for it and was excited to do it up, I've never had a dining table before.

I also do a lot of crafting so was excited to have it as a dual space for sewing etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 08:50

They're 17 and 18.

OP posts:
TheBarbieEffect · 04/09/2023 08:51

YANBU. It’s an important lesson of learning to live with your own decisions and that you mean what you say.

PinkRoses1245 · 04/09/2023 08:51

Depends how old they are? I saw you said ‘teen’. Sorry but you could have foreseen this if they are teens. You need to let them have separate

trevthecat · 04/09/2023 08:52

Definitely nbu. You asked and asked. They will have to share now. It tough!

PinkRoses1245 · 04/09/2023 08:52

I’m baffled that a 17 and 18 would want to share in the first place, I wouldn’t have ever believed them

TheBarbieEffect · 04/09/2023 08:52

PinkRoses1245 · 04/09/2023 08:51

Depends how old they are? I saw you said ‘teen’. Sorry but you could have foreseen this if they are teens. You need to let them have separate

No, she doesn’t need to do anything. They made their choice.

Heronwatcher · 04/09/2023 08:53

Sorry I think you are being a bit U. Things change, and quickly when you’re younger. Maybe they thought it would be a brilliant idea but the reality is not what they expected. It’s not that much work and if they are prepared to help do the moving and setting up, I’d let them try it, but wouldn’t redecorate or sell the table yet in case they change their minds again!

I’d also consider if the arrangement does change whether the upstairs son has to move out of the biggest room (if for example you’d prefer it).

Onceuponaheartache · 04/09/2023 08:55

They are both adults. They made a choice, frankly it's tough shit that they don't like it. They now need to live with it.

Snugglemonkey · 04/09/2023 08:58

It is annoying, but I would give them the space. I think they are too old to share and they obviously do mot want to anymore. They are old enough to help with the arrangements.

YourNameGoesHere · 04/09/2023 08:58

They are practically adults and already knew what sharing entailed it's hardly a surprise so no I would honestly tell them though shit at the moment you have enough to do and you have them plenty of opportunities to have their own space.

What's the likelihood of one moving out to uni in the next year or 2 because then the other will have a room that's just for themselves for months at a time which makes changing the dining room even more illogical.

Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 09:01

Heronwatcher · 04/09/2023 08:53

Sorry I think you are being a bit U. Things change, and quickly when you’re younger. Maybe they thought it would be a brilliant idea but the reality is not what they expected. It’s not that much work and if they are prepared to help do the moving and setting up, I’d let them try it, but wouldn’t redecorate or sell the table yet in case they change their minds again!

I’d also consider if the arrangement does change whether the upstairs son has to move out of the biggest room (if for example you’d prefer it).

'it's not what they expected'

They've always shared, so they knew exactly what to expect. They have double the space than their old room.

I feel like I offered them the dining room, many times, explained they would enjoy their own space. They declined. I checked in with them time and time again.

Even when beds were delivered I asked 'are you sure you want both taking upstairs? And not one in the dining room? "

I feel like a bit of a bitch

But at the same time they made the choice, they have MUCH more room than the previous house so they're not in a worse position by any means.

Also I've spent years sat eating my tea off my lap and doing my sewing and crafts on the floor or kitchen side.

I offered them the space, they declined and now I feel like I've already stayed to make it my space in my head and I want to keep it really.

I've always been the sort of mum that goes without so their kid doesn't and now they're almost adults I'm thinking 'No, you made your choice, deal with it'

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 04/09/2023 09:01

I shared with my sister until she moved out. Yanbu. Tough bananas, they'll cope.

Bleepbloopbluurp · 04/09/2023 09:04

Not unreasonable to say no. It's not as if they weren't asked and didn't know what sharing would be like.

Presumably at least one of them might leave home in the next few years anyway?

If you do decide to say yes, make clear that they have to sort storage and removal of your furniture and also that they have to move their stuff downstairs themselves. I really don't see why this should be your problem at all. Oh, and don't let them redecorate your dining room. You'll want it back when one of them leave home.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2023 09:05

I was going to say I would let them have the room IF they sorted everything out - ie selling on the dining table and moving all the furniture. But now I see their ages I would just say no. They'll be moving out soon, it's not worth getting rid of that stuff just to buy it again in a year. Plus they are old enough to know that they had their opportunity and blew it.

Firsttimecaller · 04/09/2023 09:05

Yanbu
If the the new room is really large they can research & implement furnishings like room dividers to set them up for maximum privacy within the space they have. (Like adults would). Carry on crafting! It's your house too.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2023 09:07

After all your updates - 'tough shit, too late' would be my response to them.

Careeradviceplease1234 · 04/09/2023 09:08

If the rooms bigger than before would it be possible to add some kind of partition making it into 2 smaller rooms?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2023 09:08

Have they articulated WHY op?

They're used to sharing, now have more space.... Are they assuming you'll let their partners sleep over of they have their own rooms? Have they fell out?

Personally I think it's reasonable to tell them no, they had a choice, experience, opportunities and you've spend money accordingly. You're not now selling furniture and redecorating because they fancy something different this month