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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my son have his own room now?

173 replies

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 08:40

Just moved house. 2 eldest sons insisted they shared the largest room.

I offered them the option of one having the 2nd reception room downstairs as their bedroom so everyone has their own room but they declined.

Had this discussion several times with them. Always the same, they want to share.

So, I buy a £200 table and chair set from marketplace for the dining room. Wallpaper (to my taste for a dining room, not a teen boys bedroom) accessories, a sideboard etc

They get heavy wooden, double ottoman beds built (on 3rd floor btw!) set up their drawers from flat pack, wardrobes etc.

Now weeks later they're asking can one of them move into the reception room.

AIBU to say no, because I must have asked them 10 times.

I've bought everything to do it out as a dining room now.

It would mean taking a wooden bed, wardrobe, drawers, heavy double mattress down 2 flights of stairs.

I've got enough to do.

AIBU to say you made the decision now you have to stick with it?!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 04/09/2023 12:42

YANBU. At their age they both understood what they were being asked to do perfectly well and they had multiple chances to say no. Also, at their age they will be gone within the next few years, or at least one of them most likely will. So they won't be sharing for many years to come. And you have offered them an alternative for more space that they have said no to. I think you have been more than accommodating to their wishes.

awfullytricky · 04/09/2023 12:43

Haha RosiePosiePuddin just as well you didn't ask this about dsc.. father than your own kids - or you would have been roasted at the stake. We all know they need individual rooms kept as shrines even whilst at University. Whilst you should just put up with whatever small space is leftover for your needs. MN rarely requires even adult children to take responsibility for their actions or choices.

IMHO they have literally had their beds made for them. Now they need to sleep in them.

OhmygodDont · 04/09/2023 12:43

I wouldn’t give up the dining room. You have four children and you, a table is a need really it’s not good to be stuck eating on the sofa.

Partition their current room and a curtain door for the one who’s room would be walked into.

You could even partly do this say today. Move the wardrobes into the space between their beds put them right next to each other but each faces their own wardrobe. It’s an initial small divide.

CluelessHamster · 04/09/2023 12:44

If you do decide to give up your dining room, could one boy move in to your room and you take the large room with the little den area as your crafting space?

I wouldn't be leaving one boy with the huge room to himself!

I would also make sure they move all the furniture themselves!

I think revisiting the idea after Christmas is fair. You never know they might have changed their minds again by then! Ultimately, you get to decide though.

Ragwort · 04/09/2023 12:50

I can't believe the number of comments 'what if they want a GF/BF to stay over?'. Talk about pandering to your kids, surely you shouldn't need to consider facilitating sex lives relationships when allocating bedrooms? Shock. My DS is 23 and has never once asked to bring a 'partner' home ...

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 12:51

I would agree with many of you but OP mentions both her older boys are on the spectrum, which she explains might be a contributing factor to their hesitation, and also she’s unsure when they would move out.
Hence my personal suggestion to organise the separation

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 12:53

Ragwort · 04/09/2023 12:50

I can't believe the number of comments 'what if they want a GF/BF to stay over?'. Talk about pandering to your kids, surely you shouldn't need to consider facilitating sex lives relationships when allocating bedrooms? Shock. My DS is 23 and has never once asked to bring a 'partner' home ...

I don’t have teens but in any case I was more looking at mention of SEN and uncertainty of when they would move out. In this context, I voted two separate bedrooms

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 12:57

Also that OP had originally planned for it to be this way. So many young adults, SN or not stay longer, I’d worry OP might yes have her perfectly understandable wish for a dining room, but this issue might come up again and again over the years.

So maybe might be best to adapt her living room organisation (there really are so many solutions) now, and have a mind at peace (with hopefully that little box room as a craft room as a bonus)

MelodiousThunk · 04/09/2023 13:03

As they are 17 and 18 the problem will resolve itself within a year as the older one moves on to university or wherever.

rainbowstardrops · 04/09/2023 13:07

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. You have them plenty of chances. They knew what it was like to share a room and presumably they know how excited you therefore were to have a dining room/craft space.
I'd consider looking into dividing their room but that's it.

Jux · 04/09/2023 13:09

I would certainly leave it for the moment and see how it goes for a few months. Have another look at all the in the house and consider how each could be adapted so you end up with an extra bedroom and retain a craft/dining room which the whole family can use every day. I do think eating sitting at a table is a different experience to eating off your lap and that it does encourage good conversation and brings a family closeness. Anyway, I wouldn't give up that room easily.

I'm sure that if you posted a rough floorplan there will be quite a few MNers happy to share their thoughts, ideas, knowledge with you. You don't have to do any of it, but sometimes others' input trigger one's own ideas.

JFDIYOLO · 04/09/2023 13:10

Say no. They're nearly adults, FFS. This is about consequences of decisions.

You have spent so long accommodating them, not having your own space and now you've achieved it and are looking forward to an adult dining room.

They'll be off to college, before you know it.

Say no.

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 13:10

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:40

I might give in after Christmas.

Just have the table up for Xmas then let them move.

I've still got so much to do at the moment that I can't even think about rearranging (yes they would do the donkey work)

I've just always been in a much smaller house and was really excited to have 2 rooms downstairs.

I wnated to have people over for dinner or have little parties etc.

I couldnt do that at the last house with just 1 small living room and if I give up the dining room as a bedroom I'm in the same situation again.

It's not the end of the world of course.

Just would ahve been nice to have more space downstairs

@RosiePosiePuddin Hope you’ll be willing to post a basic plan of living room (of course very understandable if you don’t wish to), I’m sure lots can help. Personally I have an extensible table (it costs a bit but marketplace will help that goes 4-6-8 places approximately (it’s the official version, in reality you adapt as you wish) and foldable chairs, half of which are not used if no guests. I have chair cushions, whatever they’re called, I guess like the wedding ones but less fancy, it’s just about making wooden foldable chairs (which are quite nice but still, wood) much more comfortable (I went for comfort not prettiness). And a nice rug, color coordination, decorations (I love interior decor). It would probably cost as much as your dining room to be honest, but really for dinner parties, unless you’re planning on a follow up disco, you may need to move some furniture around a bit but all you really need is table and chairs, and lots of food☺️

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 04/09/2023 13:12

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:40

I might give in after Christmas.

Just have the table up for Xmas then let them move.

I've still got so much to do at the moment that I can't even think about rearranging (yes they would do the donkey work)

I've just always been in a much smaller house and was really excited to have 2 rooms downstairs.

I wnated to have people over for dinner or have little parties etc.

I couldnt do that at the last house with just 1 small living room and if I give up the dining room as a bedroom I'm in the same situation again.

It's not the end of the world of course.

Just would ahve been nice to have more space downstairs

See now you sound like a martyr OP.

I absolutely would not do this. Not a chance in hell would I.

They were asked repeatedly and made their choice.

Eating on your lap ffs while all the kids have their own rooms... Just no.

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 13:14

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:53

They're both on the spectrum (albeit midly, so that may explain them not acting like typical late teens/wanting to share) for the people that are making out like they're odd.

OP said this and the quoted post earlier

*No uni and no gfs over.

I don't know why they've changed their minds, they haven't articulated it, just said it would be cool to have their own rooms 🙄 yeah, I told you that.

Neither are going uni. Neither have GFs.*

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 04/09/2023 13:16

Ragwort · 04/09/2023 12:50

I can't believe the number of comments 'what if they want a GF/BF to stay over?'. Talk about pandering to your kids, surely you shouldn't need to consider facilitating sex lives relationships when allocating bedrooms? Shock. My DS is 23 and has never once asked to bring a 'partner' home ...

Couldn't agree more.

Such a bizarre way to think where teens/young adults and their wants determine and shape households.

babbscrabbs · 04/09/2023 13:20

I'd keep it like that till Christmas, say yes you can have this room, if you still want it, in January. Gives them a chance to bed in.

CockSpadget · 04/09/2023 13:28

Have your lovely dining room! They had multiple opportunities to have separate rooms. They will just have to get over it!

jay55 · 04/09/2023 13:32

After Christmas is a good idea. Could you then do a full switch, you take their big room and put the table up there for your crafting and one of them have your room, the other the dining room.

SleepPrettyDarling · 04/09/2023 13:34

MabelMaybe · 04/09/2023 12:15

It sounds lovely being able to have parties etc. so my gut reaction is to give them back to back bookcases and use them to divid the room. If you have to move one of them, is there any way in which you could use that walk-in wardrobe as a sewing room, benching half way up the wall for a table top, fold up chair, push-on battery light on the ceiling etc.?

That’s exactly what I’d be suggesting too ^

Noalcohol · 04/09/2023 13:36

Let them have their own space if they are not going to Uni. Save up for a shed office for your sewing. Do they work?

Noalcohol · 04/09/2023 13:37

Send us a floor plan with dimensions.

Anyport · 04/09/2023 13:44

All a part of life's rich pageant when you are growing up. Sometimes as a part of the learning curve of life you will make decisions that you will regret soon after but you also have to live with them. They are not going to be scarred for life as a result of sharing.

Dustybarn · 04/09/2023 13:47

I would let them have their own space now but first they must list and sell the dining room furniture that you bought, at the same or a higher price than you paid and arrange for its collection, then they must move the bed downstairs etc. You collect the money and spend it on a treat just for you and they do all the moving.

dylanthedragon · 04/09/2023 14:14

So many assumptions that all DC are out the house by 19!

OP, I would tell them no now that you've spent money on the dining room. You might find they begin to prefer having a dining room as well, of it's something you've not had as a family before.

I've seen loads of really creative ideas on here before for splitting bedrooms - it sounds like a large room if they both have double beds. Could you post a floorplan?

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