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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my son have his own room now?

173 replies

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 08:40

Just moved house. 2 eldest sons insisted they shared the largest room.

I offered them the option of one having the 2nd reception room downstairs as their bedroom so everyone has their own room but they declined.

Had this discussion several times with them. Always the same, they want to share.

So, I buy a £200 table and chair set from marketplace for the dining room. Wallpaper (to my taste for a dining room, not a teen boys bedroom) accessories, a sideboard etc

They get heavy wooden, double ottoman beds built (on 3rd floor btw!) set up their drawers from flat pack, wardrobes etc.

Now weeks later they're asking can one of them move into the reception room.

AIBU to say no, because I must have asked them 10 times.

I've bought everything to do it out as a dining room now.

It would mean taking a wooden bed, wardrobe, drawers, heavy double mattress down 2 flights of stairs.

I've got enough to do.

AIBU to say you made the decision now you have to stick with it?!

OP posts:
HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 04/09/2023 11:03

it will make them happier

Their happiness is not more important than the OP's happiness. Having a dining room and a space for crafting makes her happy.

zingally · 04/09/2023 11:25

Nope. A 17 & 18yo will need to live with the consequences for a bit. They had plenty of chances to say they'd rather not share, but were adamant they wanted to.
Tough shit basically.
I might be tempted to say we'll make the move at Christmas maybe. But for now they need to suck it up.

TheBeesKnee · 04/09/2023 11:32

Just thinking that it sounds like the room is enormous if you can fit two double beds in!

Is the craft room or dining room more important to you?

If dining then leave it; if craft room could you move into their room and have a bedroom/craft space, and one could go into your room and the other the dining room?

But I stand by my earlier comment that I'd make them share tbh.

Rockandchips · 04/09/2023 11:38

I wouldnt change my mind and give up my dining room when you have asked them time and again. I also wouldnt take any notice of anyone saying you should, its not there home or family.

Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:40

I might give in after Christmas.

Just have the table up for Xmas then let them move.

I've still got so much to do at the moment that I can't even think about rearranging (yes they would do the donkey work)

I've just always been in a much smaller house and was really excited to have 2 rooms downstairs.

I wnated to have people over for dinner or have little parties etc.

I couldnt do that at the last house with just 1 small living room and if I give up the dining room as a bedroom I'm in the same situation again.

It's not the end of the world of course.

Just would ahve been nice to have more space downstairs

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/09/2023 11:40

17 and 18 they can take the consequences of their own decisions.

How old are your other children?

Presumably they may go off to University or otherwise move out in a few years?

Maria1982 · 04/09/2023 11:45

No, don’t give in after Christmas !!
I agree with others they are plenty old enough to live with consequences. You have them lots of chances! And they knew what sharing was like already.

You sound sad already at the thought of giving in and losing your dining room. Your happiness matters too! Don’t give in.

look into room dividers ..

EvilElsa · 04/09/2023 11:46

Jesus, I'm amazed a 17 and 18 year old wanted to share in the first place! Sounds like a big room if it accommodates two double beds...can you put a room divider between them so they each have their own private space? I don't mean a new wall or anything permanent, you can buy all kind of room dividers from wooden to fabric/curtains. You can then reassess at a later date about losing your dining room!

Adelaff · 04/09/2023 11:47

If sharing a room is going to cause friction between them, I'd facilitate the move. Better for the whole household to preserve a positive relationship between siblings.

Annoying that you've already spent on the dining room gear, I'd be pissed about that too.

They would absolutely be helping to move the bedroom furniture.

Adelaff · 04/09/2023 11:51

Nope, changed my mind after reading your updates. Unless they can articulate a very, very good reason for wanting to change, I'd be telling them a nice no.

You deserve that dining room space and you deserve not to be doing your crafts on the floor 💛

Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:52

It's not really causing friction.

They don't argue or fight.

There's also a very small closet room on the same floor that's been offered to either for more space. Absolutely not big enough for a bed. Think walk in wardrobe size. But they could have an armchair, computer, TV, shelves. Just a little get away man-den sort of thing.

But neither of them wants it!

OP posts:
Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:53

They're both on the spectrum (albeit midly, so that may explain them not acting like typical late teens/wanting to share) for the people that are making out like they're odd.

OP posts:
Oliotya · 04/09/2023 11:54

Let them have the room. Teenagers sometimes make decisions without really thinking it through. Make them do the moving of furniture and pay for the dining table.
I'm surprised you didn't see this coming tbh. Would be very unusual for a 17 and 18yo to choose to share a room.
You'll get your dining room back soon enough.

Minfilia · 04/09/2023 11:59

Like PPs have said, I’m pretty shocked they wanted to share in the first place. I have boys the same age and there wouldn’t be a chance of them wanting to share, and the twins are really close!

What if one wants a girlfriend/boyfriend over etc?

Why don’t you say to them that you’ll let them have the dining room, IF they pay you back for everything you spent on it? You’ll know how much they want it then…

Original poster
RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 12:03

Minfilia · 04/09/2023 11:59

Like PPs have said, I’m pretty shocked they wanted to share in the first place. I have boys the same age and there wouldn’t be a chance of them wanting to share, and the twins are really close!

What if one wants a girlfriend/boyfriend over etc?

Why don’t you say to them that you’ll let them have the dining room, IF they pay you back for everything you spent on it? You’ll know how much they want it then…

That's just bizarre. I'm not charging them for the stuff I've bought.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 04/09/2023 12:03

I would say no for now, that you’ll think about it, and if they still want to change after Christmas then you’ll consider it. But for the next 4 months it’s staying as it is.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 04/09/2023 12:08

They would absolutely be helping to move the bedroom furniture.

Helping? If op agreed to the switch (and I don't think she should) they should be doing the whole job themselves. OP shouldn't be lifting a finger.

Greenped · 04/09/2023 12:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it looked like a troll.

MabelMaybe · 04/09/2023 12:15

It sounds lovely being able to have parties etc. so my gut reaction is to give them back to back bookcases and use them to divid the room. If you have to move one of them, is there any way in which you could use that walk-in wardrobe as a sewing room, benching half way up the wall for a table top, fold up chair, push-on battery light on the ceiling etc.?

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 12:23

I would just give them their own room at this point, there’s no point in leaving friction in your house until Christmas. You’ll get your dining room back one day. Especially if they’re both on the spectrum.

Id be very clear they’re responsible for it all,

  • deciding who moves by X date or you’re throwing a coin and that will be it
  • they move the furniture (if you’re unsure they would know what to do, make them a list, help for some lighter more complicated stuff, but no carrying)
  • selling your stuff on marketplace (finding a buyer, you approve), and you’re going to check comparable prices to make sure they haven’t rushed it

I understand your disappointment, I really do. I’d tell them their decoration budgets have been lowered due to the loss of re selling your dining room stuff. So give each the same budget and they can have fun on Amazon etc (it is actually fun, and would help lower tensions and move on).
So it gives them a sense of consequences but I wouldn’t ruin the mood in what seems to be otherwise a happy household.

musicforthesoul · 04/09/2023 12:25

YANBU, I wouldn't be moving them now after so many chances. Especially not as they were already sharing so knew exactly what it was like. Enjoy your dining room!

I would look into a partition wall for them if they want one as the room they are in sounds huge.

Mari9999 · 04/09/2023 12:31

@RosiePosiePuddin
In all likelihood one or both of your sons will be moving out of your house soon. Would you not prefer a peaceful home environment to a dining room?

nettie434 · 04/09/2023 12:36

I think they are old enough to have made a choice. You gave them plenty of chances to change their minds. It's a large room and you've said a partition might work. It's actually quite sad to read that you are thinking about changing your dining room when you were so looking forward to having a dining table and place to do your crafts.

Hana89 · 04/09/2023 12:37

I can see both sides OP, but if they're 17 and 18 then I think they're old enough to have made this choice and stick with it. You've created a space for you that you seem to really love (and I'm sure the rest of the family benefits from too). It isn't unreasonable for you to keep it.
Equally though I can see how they might prefer to have their own space and privacy at that age and maybe didn't think it through before.
Maybe tell them you'll think about it and take a breath before deciding one way or the other. X

Godlovesall26 · 04/09/2023 12:40

RosiePosiePuddin · 04/09/2023 11:52

It's not really causing friction.

They don't argue or fight.

There's also a very small closet room on the same floor that's been offered to either for more space. Absolutely not big enough for a bed. Think walk in wardrobe size. But they could have an armchair, computer, TV, shelves. Just a little get away man-den sort of thing.

But neither of them wants it!

@RosiePosiePuddin Can you use this as your special room for crafts ? You might actually enjoy it more as a closed room organised exactly how you wish it.
Don’t get me wrong, your disappointment is very understandable, but it sounds like you have a lovely little family unit right now, and I wouldn’t want pointless frictions, this is just likely to come up all the time now that it’s been articulated. And as you very rightly mentioned at the beginning, you pushed towards it because it is easier for their ages. Try to see it as you did originally : ‘each has their own space now and I won’t need to think about this again until one decides to move out, doesn’t matter now when that is’. Great that your younger ones have theirs also, sounds like you’ve done great OP.

As for the living room, could you post maybe floor plans and exact amount of space, I’m sure posters would be happy to help you optimise the space. You can host with a small one (I’m the same), but requires little things like a fold up and extensible table (depending on amount of guests). Between this and your crafts room project, you could have a lot of - new, and different - fun, but that’s life isn’t it ?