Partner relieving themselves

[SackOfShitandRegrets]

Been thinking of posting this for ages but unsure, finally biting the bullet.

AIBU to ask my DP not to relieve himself (masturbate) when I am on my monthly cycle and to come to me/ask me if he needs a "release" during this time?

you need to break this down to work out what the cause of your issue is.

1. Is it that you dont like him masturbating?

2. Is it that you want him to feel he can ask you to wank him off while you're unable to have sex

3)Is it your feelings of being a failure (and why do you feel like that?)

4)Is it that you don't like porn?

IF 4 is the issue, you need to have a discussion, you are allowed to set yourself a boundary of 'i wont date someone who watches porn' and tell him that is how you feel, and allow HIM to make the decision of giving up porn or not.

If its 1, see previous answer, replace Porn with masturbate.

If its 2, have a conversation and let him know just because you don't want sex, you still want to be sexual with him, and for him to give you the chance to have sexy fun times even if its one sided and just for his pleasure (unless seeing him enjoy himself does things for you of course, in which case, its fun for both of you)

If its 3, you need to address that yourself.

Ultimately, you can't tell him what he can/cannot do with his own body, you can tell him what your boundaries are, and he can meet you by agreeing to change his behaviour, or choose not to... in which case one of you has to have the guts to break it off.

Completely agree. The previous responses to the poster are depressing.

It strikes me as narrow-minded to be unable to imagine that there are couples where neither party masturbates and they just do sexual activities together. If that's what the OP wants she has a right to express that. If OP would not masturbate herself then it's not unreasonable or hypocritical, even if it's unusual. Her partner can always leave if he's not happy with it.

Equally, there are many reasons to be unhappy with your partner watching porn. Sex trafficking, human rights issues affecting predominantly women and children, the negative effects on the porn user's brain and sexual function. I also don't understand why the fact that it will make a partner feel insecure and unappreciated is dismissed? Whilst we're talking about "natural urges", that is a totally natural emotional response for the OP to feel.

In a healthy relationship it's right to have firm boundaries and then also be able to negotiate other things with your partner. OP decide on what you want from a sexual life with a partner, what will truly make you happy and confident, not what you think your partner will accept. Approach him with that in a respectful way. If he loves and respects you then the two of you might be able to negotiate an arrangement you're both happy with. If not then you may have to separate. At least you will have a clearer understanding of what a good (for you) sex life looks like. Knowing what you want and being able to act accordingly massively raises your self-esteem.

If it's 1, then OP needs to deal with it, or she could end up very lonely given that most people masturbate.

Abuse can be based in power but isn't exclusively so.

I don't think OP is abusing her partner but it's important to not make inaccurate statements about the nature of abuse.

YABU.

Imagine this was the other way round, and it was a husband trying to control a wife? We'd be up in arms. Bodily autonomy goes both ways.

No one should ever tell their partner what to do with their body.
If they do it is abuse.

Of course they ‘can just leave’ if they don’t like it but there are hundreds of women on here which will tell you how ‘just leaving’ an abusive relationship is not as easy as you make out.

On a forum which is predominantly women, many of which are at risk of abuse, it’s very irresponsible to claim that telling someone what to do with their body and they’re not allowed to masturbate is ok.

You cannot ask an adult man to ask permission from you to have a wank, no. Nor watch porn, it’s not illegal.

However, if those things are hard lines for you, you can choose to end the relationship. That’s fine.

Also ‘release’ has made me feel a bit sick.

I think you'll find that it is. It is simply not possible to abuse someone without having some position of power in relation to them.
People are mistakenly extrapolating that any attitude that is sometimes demonstrated by abusers (a dislike of their partner engaging in certain sexual behaviour for example) means that any person who feels this way is an abuser.
There is nothing remotely abusive about a woman offering her partner a hand job as an alternative to him masturbating.
If she had the power and inclination to humiliate him for it, was weaponising sex with herself as punishment, withholding shared resources from him in retaliation etc, then those would be abusive behaviours. She has voiced no more intent than telling him how she feels and offering an alternative. Which there is no reason to believe he is powerless to decline.

I guess its better than a sex pest op

Yeah no this is really weird and controlling.

Meaning he is sort of been respectful leaving you alone try to see it that way.

OP

Are you most upset about the porn? Maybe you are imagining women with flawless bodies and feel you are not enough?

I have huge insecurities about my body shape (not size although I do need to lose weight) so I understand feeling not good enough.

I watch porn (am not in a relationship) and not everyone in porn has a perfect body.

I would say release is having a wee btw

Even if he doesn't watch porn though most people can have thoughts when they are masturbating. We can't control what our partner thinks about.

I know you said you have been cheated on before but this partner hasn't (I believe).

I don't ask my DH if he's masturbated. So does your partner tell you if he's off for a wank?

Wow. So many replies

I am 39

I do not masturbste

I would prefer he didn't

I don't like porn

He doesn't do it in front of me I can smell the smell or that he smells of gray deodorant

I have very low self esteem and am quite insecure

Prob have sex once a week or once a fortnight

Wish I could edit the title to remove the word release

What exactly is it about him masturbating that you object to? Do you think for some reason that it is just 'wrong'? I note that you don't masturbate, is it a religious/moral thing that you find it 'wrong'?

How much porn is your partner watching on a monthly basis? If it is occasional, then I don't understand the problem. If he is masturbating to a few videos, surely he is allowed to engage in it? Just like you don't like porn and no one is forcing you to watch it, similarly, if he is enjoying it, then how can you force him not to? At least he is being honest about it. You definitely need to discuss healthy boundaries with him. What about when you are not on your period and don't want sex? Is he allowed to masturbate then or are there rules around that too?
I am sorry you have self- esteem issues. Perhaps therapy can help with that.

I have a few times in my life but I am too self conscious

It's the pretty girl images he would use that I can't compare too

When first together I would give him bjs during my period (without asking)
But I don't want to do that now so stopped

No, you're incredibly wrong.

If that was the case, no man could be abused by a female partner, no parent could be abused by their teenage child, no teacher could be abused by a pupil, no NHS worker could be abused by a patient, no Police officer could be abused by a member of the public, no prison officer could be abused by a prisoner, no employer could be abused by a member of staff...and on and on.

You should look up the domestic violence rates of teens on parents as just one example. Which is classified and documented as domestic violence and abuse.

And the rates of dv and abuse between same sex couples including lesbians where there is no power differential.

In previous relationships how did it work with your partner wanting to wank?

How do you know he watches porn?

My previous cheated on me numerous times with numerous women

Do you think there is an imbalance in how often you would each like to have sex? Do you think he would like to have sex more often? Are you happy with the frequency? Do you actually enjoy what you do? I'm asking because I wonder if there is more to this than him having a wank once a month, which wouldn't upset me TBH.

You need to separate wanking from cheating two completely different things.

OP you cannot tell him what to do with his body, just like he can’t with you as that is abusive.

You can say that you disagree with porn and if he watches it then you’ll end the relationship.

That’s ok to have your boundaries but it’s also ok for him to believe that your boundaries are unreasonable and to end the relationship.

The issue here is he is telling you he’s not watching it and you still don’t believe him.

Were you upfront about your boundaries of porn when you first started dating or have you recently changed your mind?

Your neediness and insecurities are going to be what drives him away.

I think you need to see masturbation as what it is, just a natural thing that most people do and it has nothing to do with how much they like or dislike their partner.

Have you got help with your insecurities?
I think some sort of therapy may help you.
It would probably help if you were single for a while.

expecting your partner not to masturbate is weird, and controlling. The fact you feel 'too self conscious' to masturbate yourself is also weird, and not normal, sorry.

Get some therapy.

@SackOfShitandRegrets gray deodorant?