Page 3 | Partner relieving themselves

Custardslices · 04/09/2023 07:47

What's your DH said back to your suggestion OP?

Let him do what he likes

hylian · 04/09/2023 07:48

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 07:12

He knows it makes me feel a failure if he needs to do it himself (plus I know he would watch porn to do it)

Don't wish to have sex during cycle as I get really heavy flows

Sorry didnt want to be crude so said release instead of wanting or jerking off

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I think the issue is that him masturbating makes you feel like a failure. Most people masturbate, it's completely normal. Why does it affect you that way?

The issue around porn is something that everyone has different feelings on, some are OK with it and some aren't, but if that's your worry then you need to speak to him about that, not try to ban him from masturbating.

Butterflywings2 · 04/09/2023 07:49

I honestly wouldn't care, as long as he wasn't doing it next to me which would be weird. It's a normal urge and I don't think it should be taboo.

ProfessorInkling · 04/09/2023 07:53

Is there a way you can deal with your feelings of failure that don't involve controlling his behaviour?

Is this something you've ever had or considered speaking to eg a counsellor about?

Relying on someone else to act in a certain way - or not - to protect your feelings isn't a healthy way to mind your emotions.

Watchkeys · 04/09/2023 07:55

What can I do or say? Ask him to jerk pff but not to porn

You can't decide/choose what he does. You can decide/choose what you do.

It really is that simple. You're not taking responsibility for your own feelings.

loislovesstewie · 04/09/2023 07:59

You have problems with feeling a failure, he's allowed to masturbate as it's his body. You are allowed to masturbate as you have autonomy over your body. You know, you could look at this as him being thoughtful. He recognises that you might have period pains ,feel grouchy and don't want to deal with his sexual feelings at that time. So he masturbates, rather than be a pest.
As long as he's not doing it in front of you, I don't see it as an issue.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/09/2023 07:59

Yes, hugely!

Dolores87 · 04/09/2023 08:00

Completely unreasonable.

Although it is reasonable if you don't want him to get himself off to porn and he should respect that if your relationship is monogamous and masturbate with out it.

Magnoliainbloom · 04/09/2023 08:02

Are you from a culture where sec isn’t openly discussed?

I think your behaviour is controlling, but suspect there’s a big backstory. You mentioned cheating in your previous relationship. What’s your marriage and DH like now? You don’t sound happy.

Jadeywithababy · 04/09/2023 08:04

It definitely doesn’t make you a failure - has he given you that impression? It’s very reasonable to ask that he doesn’t use porn, that would upset me too, but if you think he would lie to you and just use it anyway that’s a much bigger issue. Do you feel you can trust him?

Missey85 · 04/09/2023 08:05

YABU also very weird everybody masturbates it's normal if you've got issues that's not on him imagine if he said you couldn't do it maybe you need therapy or something

SunnieShine · 04/09/2023 08:08

jeaux90 · 04/09/2023 07:28

Him watching porn is the issue.
Him having a wank isn't.

Agree.

Debini · 04/09/2023 08:09

Catsmere · 04/09/2023 07:15

I thought the title meant he was pissing in public or in the garden or (gawdhelpus) in the sink!

Why should you masturbate him when you're on your period, OP? Why should you be servicing him, even if it's your idea rather than his? He hasn't asked you to, he's doing it himself, and as PP have said, it's not for you to dictate whether he masturbates. I'd understand if he was wanking to porn, that's serious cause for concern, but this isn't.

Why would it be a serious cause for concern?

AnythingILike · 04/09/2023 08:10

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 06:15

Been thinking of posting this for ages but unsure, finally biting the bullet.

AIBU to ask my DP not to relieve himself (masturbate) when I am on my monthly cycle and to come to me/ask me if he needs a "release" during this time?

Depends. Are you going to suck him off slowly, do period sex or some other happy thing? If so, great go for it

If you're making him just ask permission, not so good

Catsmere · 04/09/2023 08:11

Debini · 04/09/2023 08:09

Why would it be a serious cause for concern?

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Because porn is abuse, and addictive - users escalate to worse and worse things.

HowAmYa · 04/09/2023 08:12

There is such thing as shower sex when you're on your period....
Your issues are yours to deal with. Don't try to manipulative him

dikwad · 04/09/2023 08:14

Stop trying to control him. It's his penis and he's alllowed to do with it whatever he wants. He's not cheating on you, he's wanking himself off and whilst ever porn is legal, he isn't doing anything wrong there either.

Codependantnomore · 04/09/2023 08:15

Just ridiculous. Talk about controlling! The man is entitled to a wank if he wants one.

Dolores87 · 04/09/2023 08:20

dikwad · 04/09/2023 08:14

Stop trying to control him. It's his penis and he's alllowed to do with it whatever he wants. He's not cheating on you, he's wanking himself off and whilst ever porn is legal, he isn't doing anything wrong there either.

The porn thing is debatable and up to individuals to decide whether they are comfortable with it in their relationship if their relationship is monogamous tbh. It is completely reasonable to have a no porn boundary. It being legal doesn't make any difference. People don't need porn to have a wank.

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/09/2023 08:20

I think it's reasonable to not want to be with someone who watches porn. The problem is that you don't believe him when he says that he doesn't watch it. There's a problem there in one direction and it's impossible for us to know which : either he is untrustworthy, or your own past history with the cheating has made you overly distrustful. Find out which one it is and fix it. A relationship where people feel the need to lie about things like this isn't worth having.

recklessgran · 04/09/2023 08:28

Don't you masturbate at all OP? I don't think it's anything to do with you what your DH does to himself whilst sex with you is off the table for whatever reason. I'm pretty sure most men and women masturbate regardless of how much sex they're getting. At least he's not being unfaithful and I think he's behaving perfectly normally but to be honest I'm not bothered by a bit of porn really. However, I'm pretty sure that if I asked DH not to use porn to get off on such occasions he would respect we enough to refrain. Perhaps try again to discuss this properly with DH and give your point of view?

Dolores87 · 04/09/2023 08:30

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 07:37

Thanks for all the replies

My last partner cheated on me throughout our relationship

Going forward i will use better phrasing (eg period and jerk off) I try to be too polite

What can I do or say? Ask him to jerk pff but not to porn?

He will use porn to jerk off to even if he says he won't (I believe) so that's why I asked him to ask me

I have a no porn boundary.

The porn industry is vile and I am not happy about him engaging with it by sites such as Porn Hub because of the risk he would be getting himself off to someone's abuse - that really upsets me. The only porn I would feel ok with is if he researched and made sure the person he was buying porn from was truly freely consenting (so maybe an Only Fans) and tbh I think paying another women for sexual services, which paying for someone's Only Fans is, when we are in a monogamous relationship is cheating. Not to mention that it makes me feel insecure about my body and whilst that's my issue really he shouldn't want to be doing an activity I consider cheating that makes me feel like crap.

I just said it was a boundary for me. I found porn once early in our relationship before we talked about it and got really upset and said it was a deal breaker for me and if I found it again the relationship would end as it hurts me that bad and if he is willing to hurt me that badly just to have a wank over other women then it's not a relationship I want to be in.

As far as I am aware he doesn't watch it now or if he does he's covered his tracks up very well for the last 10 years. He did say to me he liked the visual aspect and over time I sent him videos of myself but I would never recommend doing that if you don't 100 percent trust someone, we've been other 14 years and I trust him with that content and it's been mutually beneficial for us (turned out I found it hot anyway).

If you can't trust him to not get off to porn when you have explained to him how awful it makes you feel, that you consider it cheating, and assuming he's not buying porn, that he could be getting himself off to rape, then is this a relationship you really want to be in? We should be able to trust our partners.

Debini · 04/09/2023 08:33

Catsmere · 04/09/2023 08:11

Because porn is abuse, and addictive - users escalate to worse and worse things.

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Many people watch porn without becoming addicted to it. Escalate how? It should however be discussed in a relationship.

Ciarianna · 04/09/2023 08:37

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/09/2023 06:27

Does he tell you when you’re allowed to masturbate?!?

Unbelievably unreasonable and controlling.

THIS!!

Also - if he does then thats fucking weird
Its a SOLO thing that he wants to do, you being there makes it different by its very nature. (unless he is doing it right next to you)

Stop being so controlling

Geminiii · 04/09/2023 08:37

OP I think you need to explore why this causes a reaction within you. Masturbation is actually healthy and it is everyone’s right to enjoy this.
It comes across controlling, there should not be a shame culture around it.

This could cause a problem in your relationship. I would be glad he is having a wank rather than badgering me for sex during my period. There is another way to look at this.