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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner relieving themselves

158 replies

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 06:15

Been thinking of posting this for ages but unsure, finally biting the bullet.

AIBU to ask my DP not to relieve himself (masturbate) when I am on my monthly cycle and to come to me/ask me if he needs a "release" during this time?

OP posts:
romany4 · 04/09/2023 09:41

This has got to be the most ridiculous OP I have ever read..
YABVU

Custardslices · 04/09/2023 09:43

Shade17 · 04/09/2023 09:34

He can wank himself silly whenever he chooses. Unless he’s trying to make your face look like a plasterer’s radio it’s absolutely none of your business.

🤣🤣

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 04/09/2023 09:48

Chippy4me · 04/09/2023 09:04

Are you joking?

So if this was a man posting about not wanting his wife masturbating whilst watching porn because he didn’t want to have sex with her on her period that would be ok?

Of course it’s abusive.

Show quote history

I agree.

Poor OP feeling insecure so she has the right to control her partner.

Pleaseme · 04/09/2023 09:50

I personally don’t like porn so I get that watching it could be a dealbreaker in your relationship, everyone mastrubates though at some point surely? I’d feel really weird asking someone who wasn’t into having sex whilst on their period to “service me” It feels selfish.

Is it just a need for control in which case you might need counselling. However if you do you enjoy non- reciprocal sex tell him you love giving head when on your period. That’ll probably do the trick.

Symphony24 · 04/09/2023 09:53

Yabu.

Its a natural urge. You could say to him you know you're always welcome to ask me.

But really if you don't want to or can't have sex it's not fair to tell him not to masturbate. I'd be glad he's sorting himself out.

5128gap · 04/09/2023 09:59

Chippy4me · 04/09/2023 09:04

Are you joking?

So if this was a man posting about not wanting his wife masturbating whilst watching porn because he didn’t want to have sex with her on her period that would be ok?

Of course it’s abusive.

Show quote history

Nonsense. Abuse is based in power. The OP is not approaching this from a position of power over her partner. Quite the reverse. Her tone is one of insecurity to the point of subservience. I do wish people would stop throwing the term abuse around with such a superficial understanding of its meaning. Also the tedious and lazy false equivalence of reversing the sexes. All it demonstrates is a complete failure to understanding context and nuance. Its not clever, its not a gotcha moment, it's just not very smart.

Spottybluepyjamas · 04/09/2023 10:01

It's completely unreasonable to control how someone wanks. It's their body, not yours. I would leave my partner if he tried to police masturbation - it's a massive red flag.

Waffle78 · 04/09/2023 10:04

Have you never masterbated yourself? Never had a vibrator?

readbooksdrinktea · 04/09/2023 10:06

A lot of women on here would be screaming LTB if the partner wanted OP to 'service' him while on her period when she doesn't want to have sex. He'd be selfish, abusive and all sorts.

Let the man have a wank. He's not doing it in front of you!

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 04/09/2023 10:09

5128gap · 04/09/2023 09:59

Nonsense. Abuse is based in power. The OP is not approaching this from a position of power over her partner. Quite the reverse. Her tone is one of insecurity to the point of subservience. I do wish people would stop throwing the term abuse around with such a superficial understanding of its meaning. Also the tedious and lazy false equivalence of reversing the sexes. All it demonstrates is a complete failure to understanding context and nuance. Its not clever, its not a gotcha moment, it's just not very smart.

Show quote history

I don't agree with any of this.

OP has to realise that her partner is allowed to masturbate.

Dillane · 04/09/2023 10:10

Grimmer than grim OP. ‘Release’ 🤮

Chippy4me · 04/09/2023 10:14

5128gap · 04/09/2023 09:59

Nonsense. Abuse is based in power. The OP is not approaching this from a position of power over her partner. Quite the reverse. Her tone is one of insecurity to the point of subservience. I do wish people would stop throwing the term abuse around with such a superficial understanding of its meaning. Also the tedious and lazy false equivalence of reversing the sexes. All it demonstrates is a complete failure to understanding context and nuance. Its not clever, its not a gotcha moment, it's just not very smart.

Show quote history

You obviously have a very unhealthy idea of what a normal relationship looks like.

Masturbation is perfectly natural and it’s never ok to dictate when or how much your partner does it.

If your DH has an issue with you masturbating and tells you you are only to go to him for relief and not allowed pleasure yourself because it makes him feel insecure, then get out fast because you are in an abusive relationship.

PeachF · 04/09/2023 10:15

What's the massive issue with porn? I never understand this. Also he can pull his plonker anytime he wants, leave the poor man in peace 🙄

YourApplePie · 04/09/2023 10:21

Would I be ok with a partner policing what I watch and what I do with my body?

Of course not.

Also disappointed this wasn't about a husband peeing in the garden or something.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 04/09/2023 10:27

This thread is a depressing pile on.

Do you and your DH have sex often OP?

EBearhug · 04/09/2023 10:35

What's the massive issue with porn? I never understand this.

Most of the women involved are coerced or even trafficked into it. It popularised non-consensual, abusive and dangerous practices such as choking.

TheBarbieEffect · 04/09/2023 10:39

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 07:37

Thanks for all the replies

My last partner cheated on me throughout our relationship

Going forward i will use better phrasing (eg period and jerk off) I try to be too polite

What can I do or say? Ask him to jerk pff but not to porn?

He will use porn to jerk off to even if he says he won't (I believe) so that's why I asked him to ask me

No, you can’t do anything. It’s none of your business - you don’t get to control him.

If he wants to use porn then he’s free to do so. It’s then up to you to decide if that’s a dealbreaker or not. If it is, leave. If it isn’t, find a way to deal with it without trying to control him.

Lisheens · 04/09/2023 10:40

PeachF · 04/09/2023 10:15

What's the massive issue with porn? I never understand this. Also he can pull his plonker anytime he wants, leave the poor man in peace 🙄

You really don’t understand the issues with increasingly objectifying, violent and degrading images of women normalising choking, anal etc, and the strong possibility that the women in the videos are coerced and/or trafficked?

HappyAsASandboy · 04/09/2023 10:42

Are you saying you don't want him to wank ever, because him wanking makes you feel like a failure?

If that's what you are saying, then I think you should think carefully about why him wanking would make you feel like that. Most people wank as well as having a sexual relationship with their spouses. They're two separate things entirely, and one isn't a reflection of the other.

Not unreasonable to expect him to do it in private unless he wants to involve you! I would find it odd if he was wanking in bed next to me while I had my period (or if I didn't!) but didn't want my involvement, but I wouldn't find it odd that he would wank somewhere other than near me, at any time at all.

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 10:43

I refuse to believe that anybody does my understand the issues around porn. The wide eyed disingenuousness is so annoying.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 04/09/2023 10:44

Lisheens · 04/09/2023 10:40

You really don’t understand the issues with increasingly objectifying, violent and degrading images of women normalising choking, anal etc, and the strong possibility that the women in the videos are coerced and/or trafficked?

Show quote history

The thing with porn is you don't know why these women are doing it. Yes, there are a lot women who are forced into it but there are women doing it who would rather earn their money doing it rather than doing 40 hours a week on Tesco check out. So I agree you if you watch porn you don't know which women you are watching.

HappyAsASandboy · 04/09/2023 10:50

If you know he'll use porn even if you ask him not to, then you need to decide what you do with that information.

If him using porn is a red line for you and you know he'll disregard that, then what does that mean for your relationship?

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 10:53

@AppleTurnover1000Degrees "there are women doing it who would rather earn their money doing it rather than doing 40 hours a week on Tesco check out."

Hmm. Not many, I suspect.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 04/09/2023 10:54

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 10:53

@AppleTurnover1000Degrees "there are women doing it who would rather earn their money doing it rather than doing 40 hours a week on Tesco check out."

Hmm. Not many, I suspect.

Oh come on, don't be naive.

5128gap · 04/09/2023 10:55

@Chippy4me I don't think someone who lacks the wit to be able to differentiate between an abusive partner attempting to control someone sexually, and an insecure woman offering herself in lieu of sexual behaviour that heightens her insecurity, is in any position to pontificate about how healthy my attitude to relationships is.
Neither behaviour is healthy but only one is abusive. Do you understand the meaning of the term abuse at all? Or is it just a term you've heard a lot and see as a useful way to insult a woman?