Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

I have a strained relationship with my SILs to but nothing like this has never happened. The closest is her istigating drama and causing a fight between me and DB who picked his wifes side she turned my family against me. After that I stopped contact and trying until 12months later she apologised and promised never to do that again.
She did of course once I atarted to let my guard down. This time instead of cutting her out I just stopped contact that was unnecessary and I tolerate her when we meet at famlies homes etc. But I don't go to hers and she doesn't come to mine. I have forgiven her and come to oeace with we are the co plete opposites and her character clashes with mine and just be civil foe the sake of family. I went my kids to have a relationship with their cousins and uncle (not to bothered about her) so I tolerate her for the greater good.

Had she pulled something like this though I would cut back on seeing her altogether.

The bit that jumped out to me was. When you said you try to keep everyone happy. Why? You can't be responsible for other people.

It's like they see you as a soft touch. Maybe it's time to put in boundaries and keep them and there drama at arms length op.

Good luck 💐

You need to block your SIL on everything and if your husband wants a relationship with her he can see her away from you and your home.

Who wants a nasty drunk in their life?

Yeah, I think we all do that - as women especially. I have done it before too. Guys can be thick headed even when we tell them what we need lol. Definitely not asking for all the verbal abuse you got.

I would block her on everything too, and unfriend and unfollow her on any social media.

MIL went full psycho on me. Waited until I was home alone with the kids & DH at work, so she KNEW it wasn't okay. She started screaming horrible things & called me names so I calmly told her she could leave. TBH I expected this from her at some point as she was generally vile and it wasn't the first time (ruined our wedding, along with SIL and FIL, with her verbal abuse).

DH did step up and tell her off this time. It wasn't long before he started minimising it, and even hinting some must have been my fault (I never said a bad word back to her, just told her to leave).

However, I stuck firm and wasn't going to be shoved back into that good girl box again - as women are trained to do. I also taught myself to not absorb what they said, or how they treated me. I didn't respect them, so why did I care what they thought? So don't let what she said upset you.

Obviously mine is a very complicated, long running situation, and I never received an apology (because they are never wrong & SIL thinks we're friends!). It's your choice what you do, but you're teaching your SIL how to treat you. It took me a long time to learn that one and wish I'd done it first time round and missed years of misery and putting up with horrible treatment.

I wouldn’t wait for DH to speak to her. I would contact her on SM (privately and publicly) and let her know that her aggressive and hostile behaviour this evening was utterly uncalled for and out of line. She has hurt and offended you and terrorized your kids. I would make it clear that you will no longer tolerate the wider family minimizing her behaviour when it is clear that she is a spiteful, toxic drunk. State very clearly that her behaviour has complicated or ruined any future family events because you are not willing to risk having her traumatize you and your kids again, and that she is going to have to recognize that she has forced you into a position of making people choose to socialize with you and the kids or with her, and to understand that she will never be welcome in your home again.
THEN block and ban. Ensure that your husband understands that your kids are not to be taken to family events where she will be present, otherwise they will be anticipating this kind of explosion again and that he must take responsibility for protecting them from this in the future.

Your SIL has shown every member of the family what she is like. Shé defaced herself with that terrible slurry of unkind language and she is the one who needs to apologise.
Being petty, you could say sorry for throwing water but you should never have her in your home again. Your husband should agree to that - unless his sister is mentally ill or needing sympathy for reasons we do not know.

You might have to learn to be in public spaces or at family events with her and to be polite for the sake of your own children and your own dignity.

It would take a mammoth change of heart from your sister for me to feel comfortable with spending any time near her.
Your husband is right to back you up. He needs to do that always and accept only changed behaviour and attitude from his sister.

I hope he is not going to ever agree with her that she was within her rights to say those things. He needs to shut her down immediately if she voices any disrespect to you when he is alone with her - to the point of walking away, every time..

“Your sister verbally abused me in front of our children. There’s no apology that will fix this. Our children deserve better, and if you won’t protect us from your sister’s abuse, then I have to.”

The objective facts (according to OP)
Does not like in-laws
Had row with DH
Overhead conversation between brother and sister (DH & SIL)
Verbally abused SIL first
SIL was verbally abusive in response
Assaulted SIL (Threw water on SiL)

You both sound dramatic.
If you don't want to be around SiL in future that's okay after what happened

Are you upset that your DH is not taking your side ? OP you don't need his validation

OP's husband did back her up and help throw his sister out.

YANBU at all, and I don’t agree with the poster saying it’s ok if she was drunk. She has revealed her true colours and I wouldn’t want her around, especially near the kids.

alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago)

Sorry, I didn’t get this bit, is your mum an alcoholic drinking more heavily since losing her dsd?

I hope you are ok. That really sounds awful. I would calmly say to DH sil crossed a line and there is no coming back from. You don’t want an apology, you just won’t have her in the house again. If he argues just go with it’s not up for discussion. He can see her, but if she comes to your house again you will have the police remove her. Honestly I would just enjoy time to yourself when he sees his family.

Nope, nope, nope. I would never speak to her again, how dare she!! Especially in front of the children! Hope you're all okay x

I wouldn't invite her again either. Are you usually the one in charge of invites? That makes it easier if you are. I got sick of having family occasions having a dark cloud over them from SIL so stopped inviting.

I found that confusing too, and the "SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding" sentence even more so given what followed.

Yes, SIL seemed to change quickly. Maybe she was waiting for OP’s mum to leave before starting her tirade.

The row with your husband was 100% your fault. I have no time for those type of passive aggressive, melodramatic flounces where the partner is expected to know exactly how to react, and it's somehow their fault if they don't.

But your sister's reaction was entirely over the top and disproportionate, and definitely indicates a long standing animosity towards you, for whatever reason. She sounds low class.

There would be no coming back from that for me op. I wouldn’t be seeing her again and would expect my DH to support me in that. I’m sorry your kids had to see it and were so upset.

Nope. I have a zero-tolerance policy for abusive misogynists. I'd have no further contact with her and would not allow her to see the children; husband can see her on his own away from the house.

The language and the (apparent) hatred are enough of a problem, and her continuing knowing the children were there shows a complete lack of control and/or judgement. But on TOP of that she threatened you with physical violence. If your husband is at all reasonable he should support you in this.