Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

How awful for you and for your children. There would be no going back for me and I hope your husband comes to his senses and agrees. This is your opportunity to show your children how you deal with being treated like this and teach them to never put up with it either.

@HarrietPoole
Cu next Tuesday. Just something we say to avoid DC ears.

What a weird incident.
YANBU of course BUT why would you invite your alcoholic abusive mum over plus your volatile when drunk SIL for a social event with alcohol? It seems like a recipe for disaster. YWBU to have a row in front of SIL about something that should have been anticipated (your mum upsetting you) and could have been avoided (by not inviting your mum over)
Obviously her response was vile and you shouldn't have to ever see her again if you don't want to - no excuses for that behaviour - but is this really the first time she's behaved like this? Could her behaviour have been anticipated when you add alcohol into the mix? Going forward it's best to avoid potentially explosive social situations with relatives who are volatile and unkind.

Not unreasonable, she's crossed a line and what you overheard is her real opinion of you. Your DH can have a relationship with her - you don't have to. I don't see my DH siblings for years at a time and our marriage is no worse off for that. It would cause issue if he forced me to spend time with them, I will be nice if we have to be at same event but regular contact would never work, I don't like them

Why would you have to do damage control, you did nothing wrong, your SIL is the one that needs to do the damage control.

From now onwards there's no way I'd have anything to do with her, and that includes her being in the house. Your dh is welcome to maintain the relationship, just not in your home, if he wants to see her then he can go and visit her or his mother with her there.

You can actually type the word cunt on a thread. 🙄

I think you have to take into consideration that these are your husbands family. He's grown up with them & this behaviour is something he's only ever known so whilst it seems he's downplaying it to some here, he's not. To him it's just 'normal'.

I'm sure he doesn't like it either but, it's difficult for him to separate his family from the behaviour - so tread carefully, choose your words carefully. Don't give ultimatums but do say that you won't allow his family to be around your children when there's alcohol consumed (that includes turning up drunk to a party where no alcohol is served).

As for hubby not going to find you, from my experience, if he's left hosting then he's probably not realised you were gone that long & as stated, thought you wanted time alone and he was best spent keepingbl an eye on drunk relatives around the children.

It seems like there's a lot of therapy needed! And some cold hard conversations about abusing/self medicating with alcohol.

As for your children, they will take their lead from you and hubby. Don't make excuses for inlaws - talk about what alcohol does and nor dealing with your feeling and how to safely express feelings.

To be honest, none of this reflects well on anyone involved including you. You have all behaved disgracefully. You have a discussion that causes you mother to leave and you then disappear in a huff for 40 minutes and then get grumpy at your husband for not checking on you?

You ended up "repeatedly" telling your sister in law to stop disrespecting you. Which is hardly going to end well, as it didn't.

You need to just stay away from these people, and everyone needs to stay away from alcohol. I'm sorry for your husband and your children who were in the middle of this mess.

Why is at @PostMasting still able to be on this thread?

It’s easy to blame alcohol, yet the grown ups didn’t seem to remove themselves or the precious children from the volatile situation.
I’d certainly not be in her company or his family ever again.

Importantly it’s unsafe to have the children have this influence. They’d be no where near this relative.

Husband seems weak and must have been giving the family negative fuel. Not a safe environment for anyone involved.
Perhaps counselling may help you. It’s the start of new academic year and it’s now decision time for you!!! Perhaps your home could be an alcohol free zone!

kazlau · Today 09:33

Why is at @PostMasting still able to be on this thread?

Kazlau - that was my first (and only) post on this thread. I stand by telling an adult that she needs to also take responsibility for her actions including alcohol use and poor family interactions. People ask for advice on a public forum - then want a pat on the back for their actions in front of their children.

This behaviour (on all sides) does not lead to happy successful lives - it leads to misery and dysfunction, arguments and unhappiness. But if you think its a "poor you, be a victim situation" present that view point - and live with your conscience.

Well I’d be calling police if I was getting threatening messages and telling DH she is NEVER welcome again

I hope your first few days at school have gone well @User10932 & you love your new class 🙂
I hope having slept on it and sobered up, DH can see that it’s unfair for him to expect you to ever have her back in your life ever again!!! I would never speak to someone who called me a psycho ever again, let alone all the other vile things she said!…. She’s lucky all she had thrown in her face was water!
I can’t believe did ALL THAT to you in front of your children!
god I’m actually angry for you!

Maybe you should have waited until a time the children were not around before you confronted her.

@User10932 any updates?