Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

This. Also - he’s brushing it under the carpet and wants to just get his sister to apologise then it’ll be okay, not being naive as he people have suggested, he’s worried his sister will blab.

Ignore the haters, I wouldn’t be seeing her again and just make excuses if any family events. I don’t think an apology can solve this. If it was to you then you could say maybe it got heated but to do it in front of children is uncalled for. x

Agree too.

What has he been saying to illicit such venom from her.

And wants things to just move on speedily.....I wonder why.

So sorry Sweetheart. I agree with others. He has been slagging you off to his family behind your back.

Ooooops. Silly disloyal him.
Now he has to choose a side. Hmmmm wifey and cherubs etc., or his sister et al.
So sorry you have to learn this the hard way.

You have better times coming your way in your and your cherubs time.
You obviously love him. Sorry. 🥰😘

She would never be welcome in my house again after that show, especially in front of my kids.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

This.

absolutely not. She was beyond abusive to you and about you in your own home in front of children.

My exes parents did this about me and I drew a line and said no, unfortunately he could not back me up and wanted me to play happy families and I refused (it happened more than once) so we divorced. Which I think was his parents intention all along. Over 10 years later, he is sad lonely etc and has not had a new partner - I’m waking up full of joy most morning ms and I never have to see the fuckwits again which is a win.

he needs to choose children and wife or sister

How positively gaslighty of her to be full of sympathy then suggest your psychotic because you overheard her telling your DH a load of lies. I wonder why she feels the need to interfere in your relationship so badly? She clearly became abusive because she was caught out in a massive lie.

More seriously... No one should come between a husband and wife like that and your DH needs to be in your corner. The weird thing I've learnt recently is that your DH should have your back in these situations even if he thinks your wrong. With family, it is not your place to be rude to his Sis, it's his responsibility to sort it out - the same as if your DM had been rude to him. I would not be prepared to have anyone talk to me like that and it's not acceptable. Your DH may be reluctant to cut ties completely with his Sis but he needs to understand that not only did she behave inappropriately but was also swearing and slurring you in front of your DC and DM who are justifiably shocked and upset.

I wouldn't actually let DH see her on his own because of the vitriol she is clearly pouring in his head but perhaps seeing her at events without you or your children might be an idea for a while.

🤦‍♀️ I meant to say you need to explain to DH about him being in your corner, no matter what. Otherwise your relationship will not survive. It doesn't have to be about them or me ultimatums but he does have to back you up.

I think there is only one person who belongs in the gutter, with awful despicable behaviour and disgusting foul language especially in front of young children.

1. I would have expected my husband to put a stop to her ranting to him, as soon as she drew breath.
2. I would have expected him to defend me and have my back, as I would undoubtedly have his.

You need to sit down with your husband tomorrow and explain to him calmly just how upset you are and how let down you feel by his behaviour also.
Personally I wouldn’t have the skank anywhere near myself nor my children, she sounds utterly deranged.

Sounds very Jeremy Kyle!!

I would never ever speak to her again! That would be me done.

Nope. I'd never see her again or let her in my house or around my children. What an absolute lunatic.

Sounds like you married my ex husband tbh

You need to keep your children away from these people. It can be very frightening for children to witness this sort of chaotic behaviour; your mothers drunkeness and your subsequent departure and the aggression of their aunt. They will not understand why adults are behaving this way and be very anxious. Don't trust these people around them where alcohol is present (your mum) or at all (SiL).
As for your relationship with you SiL, there is no way in your shoes I'd have anything to do with her again, and I'd be questioning my relationship with a husband who expected me to.

F

What's a Tuesday girl?

That is vile behaviour, I would cut her off and if your husband thinks it’s ok if she just apologises then he’s living in cloud cuckoo land. My husband would have kicked her out and cut her off too. How dare she speak to you like that and scare the children.

I'm so very sorry to read this.

Personally I wouldn't be able to have her anywhere near my children ever again, I'd go no contact.

You don’t have to see or hear her ever again op and ignore anyone who tries to tell you otherwise including your husband

What kind of language is that?

You seem like a nice person OP, and your SIL sounds like a raging unhappy resentful tearaway who wouldn't and shouldn't be enabled. Your home is your safe space and boundaries come without apologies. This will be a learning curve for your husband. Tread gently but firmly on keeping that bitc out your home! You don't open the door to the devil. Some scenarios cannot be recovered from and teach us who not to have around. This is one staring you and your husband in the face. My husband had to learn that happy families hell or high water, is reserved for TV series, not real life. He had to go on his own journey of acceptance that his sisters are raging jealous bitces, and his mother is a miserable cunning ringleader. Sounds like you have a healthy marriage, and the tides have changed. Your scenario is one I'm sure you and your husband will grow from and through together.

Like I said, stand firm but gently, because this is the point at which your husband's emotions and opinions will be challenged against his own. He sounds like a good man for getting rid of witch. You guys will be fine, and while you're upset about your kids seeing it all, don't lose sleep over it. Kids are resilient, and they also have to learn that just because someone is related, doesn't mean they belong in your life.

I hadn't read the thread fully. I have to second; why was she so comfortable with that level trash talking in your own home with your dh? And marriage is work. I see alot of mn posts that result in comments encouraging running for the door kids in tow. Unless dealbreakers come into play (infidelity and domestic abuse IMO), marriage is a journey and we evolve, grow, learn etc we have to exhaust all efforts before parting ways. You and your husband to touch base and get on the same page for sure, one that doesn't put you out. Best wishes. It's not the hardest thing to do when two people love and care for each other and their family that they've built.

I'm in with others mentioning how odd your DH behaviours/reactions to SIL have been.

I might be wrong but my feeling is as well that he has been saying things about you behind your back for her to feel so entitled to criticise you in your own home.

Gosh OP sounds awful. You did the right thing re getting kids away and calm, just reassure them, how horrid for them to witness that. And as for SIL - in no uncertain terms let DH know she's crossed a line and this will not be happily family material going forward. At some point if she apologies and grovells you may tolerate her seeing kids whilst your supervising so she doesn't bad mouth you to them etc but for now and maybe months ahead she can piss off.

And yes your DH is also at fault for not shutting her down when she started saying stuff about you. U need to raise that with him calmly and ask him.