Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

Forty minutes sulking and then confronting your drunken SIL? I think you played a part in this Jeremy Kyle drama. A teacher you say…

Yabu for throwing water

Why does your sil think these things?

Yes. That's presumably something your children had to witness too? And leaving for forty minutes? That's a long time. I get a five minute 'and breathe' break from everyone, but forty minutes when you have guests is odd, and almost as if you were testing your DH. Your kids would have been thrown by your disappearance too.

That and the water throwing make me think there was more to your part in this than you've told us.

But yes, I'd be prioritising my children right now and they should not be exposed to you both in the same place again.

Please stop using medical conditions as slurs, (She called me psychotic, so I called her psychotic), especially as both of you have no clue as to what psychotic actually means.

Well I’d of punched her if it makes you feel any better 🤣

When you heard her through the window what was your Dh saying to her as she said all of those things?
Although I can stand up for myself I would expect Dh to have dealt with it before it got to the point it did. Sister or not, he needed to shut her down before it got to where it did.

Ooh, good work. I didn’t pick up on this but can see what you’re saying.

Omg I would report your pathetic SIL to the police for harrasment

If there has been a death in thr family in the last 2 months perhaps people are still affected and it is coming out in increased tension - particularly if there is drink involved. It is for that reason I would be more open to trying to get past it, even though she was totally out of order. But dh would need to set her straight on the things she said and she would need to apologise.

Was Mil OK in the end? Sounds like everyone is hurting still from losing DSD.

Agreed

Probably much of it was the alcohol talking - sounds like that issues runs through the family. I agree you need a full apology, and even then I'd be wary of ever letting her back in my house.

OP this is really, really serious. Honestly, I would go NC with her, AND I wouldn't want my children around her because goodness knows what she could say to them when I'm not there. Your husband has to have your back on this. He has to choose his wife and mother of his children. That's it. He has to make that choice. He should go NC, too. But if he won't, you need to make clear that you are going NC, and the children are going NC, too. You can't come back from this, SIL can't come back from this. The things she said are bad enough to you, but to have your children involved is utterly unforgivable. You need to go NC and your children too.

You managed to get the hump with 3 people in one evening. Your sil had just watched you sulk about your mum, come back and pick a fight with her brother. Then, to her mind, you pop out of the door and start with her. Yeah, what she said was out of order but I'd probably be super tense and defensive after all that.

YANBU to never talk to her again. But, you should also work on your hosting.

Your husband managed to host and watch the kids (including 40 mins on his own) without starting on 3 people.

What was the difficult conversation with your MIL about and why did you leave your guests for forty minutes?
None of the adults here are covered in glory tbh. Especially infront of young children who may also be grieving the recent loss of an aunt (MIL DSD)

Are you laughing at @wavws way of thinking because I posted similar at the same time. I'm shocked people think OP didn't play any part in this.

What a horrible situation. I strongly suspect alcohol is to blame here for all of you and sorry but you seem to be having rows with almost everyone!

Having said that she had no right in using that language but again perhaps alcohol is to blame here.

I would explain to your husband that you cannot come back from this bearing in mind it was in front of children and you cannot mix with her any longer.

I am honestly sick and tired of alcohol being treated like a God, you will be grumpy if you dont have a few drinks, you cannot really be a tee totaller, you are really missing the 'feeling' if you dont have alchohol. A friend of mine has a partner who goes 3-4 times abroad with the lads... (they are pushing 60) they drink themselves silly, joke their exercise is walking to the pub opposite, they always buy the very cheapest plane ticket and stay in the least expensive hotel possible. Why not just stay at home and have a few tinnies in the garden??

Your sister-in-law's behaviour was unforgivable,block her. She will behave badly again if you forgive her. People like her see restraint as weakness.

Stand your ground and stand firm.

He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along.

No Op, you really don’t. My biggest issue here would be that she has done all of this in front of your children. There would be no going back from that for me.

Sounds like she has been holding all of that anger in and really does not like you for some reason

this is exactly what I thought.

That is a huge anger reaction you describe. It's a deep seated long standing feeling. No one reacts like that from a one-off incident do they?

What's the history between you? Was she drunk? What had happened with your MiL? was she angry with you because you'd said stuff to her mother she regarded as offensive?

Sometimes if you think that a partner is bad for/emotionally abusive to your sibling, it turns to hatred of them that is concealed by the practical day-to-day need to rub along. I've seen this before. Could it be that? That for a long time she hasn't liked you because she thinks you are destroying her brother's life/making him unhappy? (not saying it's true of course - but wondering if that's how she sees it for some reason?) is there a history?

Throwing water at her? As a teacher I'd expect better from you, regardless of the provocation. You're prepared to have your mum around despite her previous behaviour so I agree with your dh that if your SIL apologises she should be welcome too.

You sound as bad as each other to be honest.

Honestly I can’t get past a teacher choosing to host a boozy gathering with relatives that they have a difficult relationship with on the Sunday before going back to work. Is that part of the keeping everyone happy you mentioned?

Nope line drawn there.

I had an argument with SIL (DB’s DW) when we all went on holiday together with her parents. She’d been on off moody all week and called a waitress who’d done nothing wrong a bitch. Then we were all out for the day but I realised I needed to go get travel money from hotel. We got back slightly late but only because it was a slight distance from where they were. She screamed at me in front of her parents (her DF is a paraplegic) and just lost it. At that point i didn’t even engage just left and went straight back to my hotel (thank god not theirs). It was our last day the next day..Refused to back down until she apologised as there was no way I was going to be treated like that by her. She never did it again!

What a complete fishwife. She sounds like the dregs of society and I'd never have her in my house again.

oh just seen you threw water at her! Whoah!

you should’ve done what I did and disengaged.