Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

I’m sorry you went through that YANBU at all. If this is how she behaves at times when she’s drunk, I’d consider letting it go if she offered a fulsome, genuine apology and undertook never to use alcohol at your house, or before coming to your house. Otherwise, she would never cross the threshold again.

All this too. What’s the point in allowing it all to build up and fester? Recipe for disaster

I agree. Nobody uses that word in my presence (not more than once, anyway) and definitely not aimed at me in an aggressive way.

In front of children is a whole new form of inappropriate.

40 minutes taking some quiet time after difficulty dealing with her alcoholic mother’s behaviour, then challenging her SIL after hearing her insulting her in her own home. I suppose you think she’s in the wrong because she isn’t a door mat! 🙄

Is there a chance she maybe taking drugs

you should also work on your hosting

Oh for goodness sake. There is zero justification for the language the SIL used.

You did well because I would have knocked her the fuck out.

SIL was absolutely in the wrong with her language.

Did you really complain to her about her brother or was it just your mum?

Why didn't you ask your mum to leave?

Lots of New Puritan comments about demon drink. Some people can't handle it , no doubt. But for most the old 'drink was taken ' excuse doesn't wash anymore. Food was , presumably , taken too at a barbecue. This wasn't some girls / boys night on the lash after all.

OP had a barbecue on a Sunday - so what ? Next ppl will be asking why she wasn't in church ffs.

Your SIL seems toxic she was called a cab was she drunk? What she did was abusive to your family especially the children who are less able to understand. I would cut all contact -we can tolerate this abusive behaviour from family too easily as we feel obligated. DH can see her away from your home if he has to but she is not good for him either. You all should feel safe in your home.

Yo describe DM as alcoholic. You can find help with coping with alcoholic family members here.https://al-anon.org/

I also have trouble with my SIL. She listed all the things wrong with me in an email and sent to the family alongside all the 'horrible' things that my DH, MIL and FIL have done that has affected her upbringing and how all this still affects her even today - i.e. never takes responsibility for her own life. My DH and in-laws have remained loving/supportive and sometimes go to the ends of the Earth to keep her happy despite all of this but I refuse to do the same. Never has she apologised to anyone and I don't expect her to either.
I have also spent time in our bathroom away from everyone when she's been too much for me and come down and pretended everything was fine - and no one really noticed, so I empathise with you on that one!
DH also expects me to have a relationship with her (also saying she's his Dsis/family/etc). For the sake of family, I keep things civil, I'm present but not very interactive, keep my distance, don't ask questions, mind my own business when they're around but only because I can't completely avoid her. Believe me, I would if I could and I don't think it's unreasonable if you wanted to cut her off especially after the way she spoke to you (regardless of whether it's in front of the kids or not, although it does make it a lot worse). If you do have to compromise because of DH, then I'd say meet at a restaurants/park etc, never at your house or even hers (this way you can leave whenever you want and she's less likely to make a scene in public, I hope). But you def need time and distance to cool off/talk with DH about what you feel in terms of your relationship with SIL/set boundaries.

I'm not surprised you were having trouble sleeping OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep in ready for today and I hope today is an easy first day back with plenty of coffee!

In terms of your SIL, I could never, ever forgive that. To have upset and scared your children, and threatening you with violence. I'd be more on the side of calling the police than ever letting her apologise and be part of my life again.

Cutting her off is the easy part. Getting your DH to understand that it's your right to do so is what is going to be difficult. He should be on your side. You and your children are his family now. Your children are now going to be anxious every time they see their Aunt and wonder if she'll yell and scare them again.

My god, if someone ever said anything like that to me, my DH would have been absolutely raging and would be the first one to cut them off.

Tbh I think it's disgusting your DH wants to continue having a relationship with her after this.

Get rid she dosent care about her brothers happiness or she wouldn't have spoken about you like that.
Your lives will be much better without her in.it.

Jesus. That’s not a human being. Don’t let that ‘thing’ anywhere near your home or kids again.

I’m sorry you had to deal with it, but good for you keeping it together and not reacting. DH needs to accept that ‘happy families’ is not going to work out.

Same.

Why would he want to see someone who was vile to his wife.

His sister dosent care about his happiness does she or she wouldn't have lt rip.

Why would he want to see someone who was vile to his wife.

His sister dosent care about his happiness does she or she wouldn't have lt rip.

I mean like fuck would she ever be in my house or near my children again. And if dh though she could be he would be free to leave with his sewer rat if a sister too.

A huge break from seeing any of them is needed. Like six months. And apologies. Sounds like dynamic is really toxic.

But am I reading it right that MIL has recently been bereaved? Has the death in the family impacted others?

If you choose to see them again then it should be on neutral ground.

@User10932 i have filtered your replies only so apologies if I ask or comment as others before me.

You have mentioned that SIL’s behaviours can be fuelled by alcohol & this at present is not openly addressed. Her behaviour to you, your DH & your children has been unacceptable & more so as it took place in your family’s home/safe space. For now, leave her on the side of the plate as she does not interest you.

Which allows plenty other things to be unpacked that are within your control & may directly benefit you.

As you say, you are a child of an alcoholic who has recently been widowed. You may therefore have far more on your plate with her, as apart from your own loss of your StepF, you may no longer have the buffer that he provided.
If you are not looking at the impact on you as the adult child of an alcoholic, now may be a useful time for you to acknowledge this.

Al-Anon Family groups can be a great peer support for you to talk to as they have heard/seen/mopped up themselves after every imaginable event of being close to an alcoholic. You will be welcomed without judgement.

One of the interesting features of living openly & authentically around alcoholics is clear it is how many people deny or kid themselves about how alcohol drives the addict or substance dependent, & their friends/families to dodge addressing the impact of alcohol misuse on everyday life.

So @User10932, please help yourself by opening up your own stuff about your mum & you will so also become less of a target for SIL.

Imagine this: Because SIL does know that alcohol affects her behaviours & right now, her F&F enable & allow that by making excuses for her. But you do not do so for your mum, certainly far less than SIL is used to. By challenging your DM & in effect her alcohol driven behaviours in front of/within hearing of her, you scare SIL shitless as she fears that you will either come after her with your honesty or possibly enlighten your DH & she will have fewer places to hide her. Now her ranting makes more sense.

You are no way psycho, you are honest.

Your DH is not a mind reader & although he knew you were dealing with your DM, it is not for him to second guess how you may be. This is some of your unresolved stuff about being that hurt/frustrated child & dealing with that in the here & now. Don’t deflect that on to him.

Yes it is good that he supports & comforts you… as an adult.
But take care not to squeeze or guilt him into a role cast in the distant past.

@User10932 put yourself first & from there resolve what you can for the benefit of you, your DC & DH.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/helpline/

It was OP’s mum and the DSD is, I believe, Dear StepDad, not Dear StepDaughter.

Understandably the mother is still grieving her husband’s death. OP doesn’t seem to like her mother when she’s been drinking. Tensions have possibly been high since the stepfather died.

40 minutes is a long time to leave guests and then to only return after her mother leaves, very bad hosting. And then to bicker with husband, in front of kids and SIL.

However, SIL seems very hypocritical as she was nice and sympathetic to OP’s face then seemed to turn. I wonder if SIL actually used the word psychotic rather than psycho! But DH should have shut his sister down.

Regardless, SIL was out of order for saying those things in front of the children and how DH didn’t grab his sister and remove her from the situation, I don’t know!

"DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago)."

A lot of people seem to be getting confused on who was at the barbecue. It was OP's own Mother and her SIL

Not sure if it is OP's step daughter or her Mothers step daughter that died?

Makes sense that it's Step Dad and not Step Daughter @JoanOfAllTrades

I wouldn’t wait for DH to speak to her. I would contact her on SM (privately and publicly) and let her know that her aggressive and hostile behaviour this evening was utterly uncalled for and out of line.

Why would she contact her publicly on social media? Just to keep the drama going and give a bunch of randoms the opportunity to jump in with their tuppence-worth?