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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blazing row with SIL tonight!

265 replies

User10932 · 04/09/2023 00:58

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

OP posts:
wavws · 04/09/2023 04:18

Forgive me OP, but I have a habit of looking from multiple perspectives. You were the common denominator this night, having problems and arguments with your mum, husband and SIL. Were you in a bad mood, did you overreact, did you handle things as well as you could have etc because you got into it with a few people? I’m not excusing anyone’s behaviour but sometimes it’s worth looking inside to see how you could handle things differently in the future and what the signs are when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. You might have made some snippy remarks or felt sensitive or vulnerable

With your husband: tell him when you need support and what that support might look like, especially with SIL.

With your mum: it’s probably not the right time in your relationship to have her at yours and maybe distance and boundaries would do you well. Stop inviting her to things. See her in public where either of you can walk away if necessary. You need to rebuild trust before she’s at family events.

With your SIL: she was out of order, but again from her perspective she might have witnessed you arguing with your mum, husband and then her and assumed you were in a bad mood or something. Hence why it would be beneficial to reflect on your actions too, even though she was horrible

Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 04:19

Your Mother is an alcoholic and your SIL gets aggressive with alcohol. Perhaps you should avoid hosting alcohol fuelled parties with these people.

I'm sure you were probably drunk too. It's the only explanation I can see for your behaviour too.

What was the conversation you had with your Mother which involved you having to leave for 40 minutes? Was it an argument? You then come back and argue with your husband.

Your SIL was wrong but you know what she''s like and decided to confront her. You did this knowing she gets aggressive with alcohol. You then assault her by throwing water in her face. Shame on all of you for putting your children through this.

You need to see this as being a completely toxic environment for your children and do something about it.

wavws · 04/09/2023 04:23

Also I agree that her outburst can’t have come from nowhere. I wonder what she and your husband say about you behind your back? If he’s bitching about you or using her as a sounding board about your relationship, it likely builds resentment for her. This could also explain why he’s quick to want to smooth things over between you. The comments she made to him/you may have been things they’ve discussed together before, hence why he wasn’t surprised or willing to confront her.

rwalker · 04/09/2023 04:32

Realistically I think it’s done with your SIL I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. I wouldn’t even want an apology means nothing
if it was me I’d want nothing more to do with her .But wouldn’t expect DH to cut her off just don’t involve you
apologies phone calls and discussions won’t change anything just drag the drama along
draw a line under it and cut her out of your life

You were having issues with you mum and took it out on your DH I would have left you alone. Throwing water at her was adding fuel to to fire

Songbird74 · 04/09/2023 05:05

She’s crossed a line and no apology will undo the damage she has done. Have you ever fallen out with her before? I would keep your head up high and ignore her from now on. Awful behaviour!

Barbaquequeen · 04/09/2023 05:41

I agree your sil has treated you terribly and there’s no coming back from this. She sounds vile. However, having a go at your husband for not checking in on you was unreasonable in the presence of guests and your children. Throwing the glass of water also unreasonable and upsetting for your children to witness however warranted it might be. Finally I think you should consider hosting alcohol free gatherings going forward. You seem to have a few family members it just doesn’t agree with.

RetirementIsGreat · 04/09/2023 05:43

Very well put and if SIL comes to house to visit and DH lets her in, make sure DH knows OP and kids are leaving until she is out of the house and that OP will not let DC be terrorized again.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 06:08

What a family you married into.

Your poor children witnessing this.

Your husbands relationship with his sister is his business but she would never be around me or my children again.

I would be seriously unimpressed with your husband saying an apology will fix this.

Your children will not easily forget being in a Jeremy Kyle episode, thanks to their fathers family.

Zanatdy · 04/09/2023 06:09

it would take a lot before I’d let her in my home again. Your DH is very naive if he just thinks she can apologise and all will be fine. I’d be civil, at family events etc, but she wouldn’t be coming over to my home again

PuddlesPityParty · 04/09/2023 06:17

Sorry OP but you don’t come across great either. Barley having the time for someone’s whose DSD died? Then having a petty silly childish sulk then starting an argument because your DH didn’t drop everything to attended to said sulk? Throwing water at someone??

Your SIL behaved disgustingly and you have every right to be annoyed - but you really did not behave well yourself so I would not be trying to take a moral high ground. If your DH had gone off into a sulk for 40mins MN would be saying it’s emotional abuse.

PuddlesPityParty · 04/09/2023 06:18

@billy1966 dont worry I think the OP did enough herself to contribute to what her children saw.

hittingtheshelves · 04/09/2023 06:41

She's crossed the line. But it's tricky with family - is she your DH's sister or your DH's brother's wife?
In a way (and this might seem odd) but if she was really drunk I'd be tempted to continue to see her as normal just to see how she's acts next time you're together. Would she apologise, be sheepish, stand her ground etc? Obviously I'd ensure my kids aren't there!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/09/2023 06:53

I would say that SIL is beyond finished.
I had a SIL (although she was BIL wife) who was constantly disparaging of me.
I drew a line. Told dh thar he was welcome to take the kids there and to maintain a relationship, but I would not put any effort in ever again. And I stuck to it. Firmly.

ChaToilLeam · 04/09/2023 07:00

ChubbyMorticia · 04/09/2023 02:52

“Your sister verbally abused me in front of our children. There’s no apology that will fix this. Our children deserve better, and if you won’t protect us from your sister’s abuse, then I have to.”

This is what you need. There’s no coming back from such vile abuse.

Naddd · 04/09/2023 07:01

wavws · 04/09/2023 04:18

Forgive me OP, but I have a habit of looking from multiple perspectives. You were the common denominator this night, having problems and arguments with your mum, husband and SIL. Were you in a bad mood, did you overreact, did you handle things as well as you could have etc because you got into it with a few people? I’m not excusing anyone’s behaviour but sometimes it’s worth looking inside to see how you could handle things differently in the future and what the signs are when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. You might have made some snippy remarks or felt sensitive or vulnerable

With your husband: tell him when you need support and what that support might look like, especially with SIL.

With your mum: it’s probably not the right time in your relationship to have her at yours and maybe distance and boundaries would do you well. Stop inviting her to things. See her in public where either of you can walk away if necessary. You need to rebuild trust before she’s at family events.

With your SIL: she was out of order, but again from her perspective she might have witnessed you arguing with your mum, husband and then her and assumed you were in a bad mood or something. Hence why it would be beneficial to reflect on your actions too, even though she was horrible

🤣😂

Cucucucu · 04/09/2023 07:02

In front of your kids ? No way she would set food in my house again ! Next time call the police and have her removed

TolkiensFallow · 04/09/2023 07:03

From what you’ve described you are not being unreasonable.

I suspect your argument with DH was possibly not as simple as you’ve said, it never is, but it does sound like a normal spousal bickerment.

I would not be accepting sils behaviour. You don’t have to accept aggression from family members just because you are related. Possibly if it was a one off and there was a genuine apology I’d forgive her but it sounds like you need to also think about the impact of this on your children. It’s a good opportunity to role model good responses for them - you don’t want them to learn that this is ok. But you know that.

hammie46i · 04/09/2023 07:18

I would cut contact completely after that. If your hubby doesn't understand I'd seriously be questioning his judgment.

ttcat37 · 04/09/2023 07:29

Need some context around the ‘difficult conversation’ with MIL that caused you to disappear for 40 minutes

Normandyapplecake · 04/09/2023 07:32

Hi OP I have married into a similar family who have never liked outsiders, eg me and DH's other long term girlfriend. I tried for many years to spend time with them, to host and to get to know them but they always seemed to be looking for an angle with me to find a reason not to like me. In the end they were speaking rudely about me in front of my children. That was it and I haven't seen them for years. My children do still see them with my husband but my children can see that they have issues. I have told my children that if it gets to a point where you don't want to see them anymore then you don't have to. They still speak rudely about me in front of my children and I know a lot of people would not let their children see their in laws for that reason but I know that would upset my husband. It's a difficult situation. My husband was not as supportive of me as I would have liked him to be years ago but his parents and brothers seem to have that narcissistic personality disorder that stops him from challenging them as they have always been very controlling with my husband. OP it's very tough and I feel your pain.

FlamingoQueen · 04/09/2023 07:33

This is unforgivable! The language used is not your everyday language so it seems like this is what she really thinks of you. There is no coming back from this. DH can see his DS, but not in your house or your / dc company ever again.

Charlize43 · 04/09/2023 07:34

Let your DH know that you are cutting SIL out of your life completely and don't want her in your house or to see her ever again. I just wouldn't tolerate language or behaviour like that, especially in front of children.

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 07:41

Is that really how it went down. She said that, you went out and challenged her and she stood and hurled abuse at you and you said nothing but ultimately threw water in her face?

LovelyIssues · 04/09/2023 07:46

I'm sure your SIL has a totally different account of what happened lol but I hope your OK OP. Your poorly DC witnessing that too.

Raggammuffin · 04/09/2023 07:53

Triangulation and verbal abuse. I dont blame you for not having her to your house again but Dont announce it manifesto style. Just stick with your intention that she will not come to yr house again

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