Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

Agree with other comments. Stop throwing the word "psychotic" around like it means nasty, "mad", volatile and horrible person. I know people with psychosis and they're absolutely lovely, considerate, valuable people who don't deserve to have their debilitating condition used as a pejorative.

Nope.. to make sure that there are no “misunderstandings” about the reasons why she has been blocked and banned.

OP you need to think about the way you treated your DH. You were a bit of a drama queen to expect him to check on you when he was hosting and then have a go at him when he didn’t. You were unfair on him.

That aside, your SIL was completely and utterly out of order. I’d be going NC. No apology is going to fix that.

That would be it for me as well. Or at least "it" for the foreseeable future.

No way on earth am I being spoken to like that, in my own home, in front of my young children. Appalling behaviour.

That being said, I feel like we're missing a lot of backstory. You opened up with a whole bit about the alcoholic mother, then she wasn't mentioned again. Then suddenly we're onto the sister losing her shit.
There must be something else going on behind the scenes to cause a (I'm guessing) normally reasonable woman to start screaming obscenities at a family BBQ in front of kids. Is she the dd of the alcoholic? What was her relationship to the DSD who died? A step-daughter? Whose? Yours, hers or the mothers?

I know from bitter experience that grief can cause normally sane people to do, and say, the most bat-shit things.

If you wanted your DH to have time out with you then you should have told him, you shouldn't expect him to be psychic.
I wouldn't be organising any more social gatherings with either your mum or SIL.

YANBU. That would be the final straw for me and I would expect my DH to have my back. I wouldn't be having anything else to do with her and she would certainly never be welcome or allowed back into my home again.

Leave your DH to have a chat with his DSis, but tell him it won't change anything and she has crossed a line and there will be no coming back from that.

Reading through the whole thread though, so many posters seem to think it’s the MIL who is grieving her dear stepdaughter and that SIL acted out because she was possibly close to her stepsister.

Your relationship with SIL is over.

She cannot come into your home again and you need to tell your husband that you won’t be attending family events when she is there.

Utterly unacceptable behaviour from her. Do not interact with her ever again.

If your OH wants to see her he sees her outside the home.

No going back OP. She wouldn't be coming to my house or seeing me or my children ever again.
Nasty woman. I'm so sorry x

DH can have a relationship with her, but it's perfectly reasonable to say that she isn't welcome in your home anymore and that he needs to see her somewhere else and that you won't be having a relationship with her ever again.

Nah, I wouldn’t forgive that either. There’s no apology that would change that.

Your DH is living in fantasyland.

I think there's definitely some context missing here on why you went away for 40 mins - what happened during the conversation with your mum?
Your SiL was vile and absolutely crossed a line but I also think you both escalated an already heated situation with you throwing water over her and shouting at her too.
I wouldn't have her back near me or my family, but I think there's a certain amount of accountability for you to consider here as well.
Has your DH anything to say about the conversation he and his sister were having? I can imagine feeling absolutely gutted to hear your DH and SiL talking about you behind your back, but you chose your behaviour here with how you responded.
I definitely feel like there's things we haven't been told here. We go from you're pissed off with your mum, you leave, you're in bad form, annoyed at DH and then SiL explodes into a rage.
I hope that you're OK, that you got some sleep and that you've been able to talk calmly with DH about what happened and what your boundaries are.

There's a possibility there is blame on all or most sides of this unedifying scene, and that some of this responsibility rests with OP. This comes from one who is well aware of the diffculties involved in dealing with a loved one who is an alcoholic. It's no picnic.

IMO, despite some of the reservations expressed by PPs on the above score, all this is of no consequence. The SiL crossed the line. It doesn't matter to what extent she might have felt provoked: her actions are completely unacceptable in any circumstances. She behaved like a yob.

OP - your DP doesn't get to force your hand on this one. He's at liberty to retain a relationship with his obnoxious sister: you can't prevent this and nor should you try.

What he can't do is insist you do the same. You're an adult: it's for you to say who you will and won't associate with. In your position I would be having no further contact with this woman on any pretext, and her setting foot over my threshold would be a deal-breaker.

As for the children, that's a more complex issue. Theoretically you can't stop him allowing her to see them, although depending on their ages they should be entitled to state a preference. Were you to split over this, there would be nothing you could do to stop her seeing them during his contact time.

But I would push back on this - hard - leaving your partner in no doubt that this is not something I'm prepared to tolerate. This is clearly in no way a suitable person to have around children.

Some people will blame an OP no matter what she writes. There is some behaviour, surprisingly enough, which does put a person automatically in the wrong. SiL qualifies for this distinction in spades.

OP, YANBU.

I wouldn't have her in my house again or around my children. Your husband is delusional, expecting you to brush it off like it's nothing.

Tbf I feel there is a backstory here

You took yourself off for some time alone and wad cross at her brother for allowing you that space. Are you always the controlling ?

She was obviously sympathising with you when you came back in. (That's the polite thing to do)

Your husband and his sister were (they thought!) Having a private conversation. He was obviously telling her about your argument. She is being a protective sister
Why would you. Invite your mum round if uou thogh8 you couldn't cope?

I assume drink was involved and you all said things you regret.

You attacked her physically!

Your husband is right. Apologise need to happen all around

I have to agree with this, she sounds absolutely awful but you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory, disappearing for 40 mins when you were hosting, then giving your DH grief for not following you, then confronting your SIL for talking shit behind your back, then throwing water...

Sounds like it got out of hand for both sides, but she certainly took it further.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH tbh

I don't quite get your point. OP said her Mother is an alcoholic and her SIL can get aggressive with drink. I think that's why people have mentioned drink on a number of occasions.

Are you saying this would have happened if they were all drinking lemonade? I certainly know if I had an alcoholic Mother and a SIL that doesn't handle drink very well, I would not be throwing an alcohol fuelled barbecue.

If Mother is an alcoholic is OP not enabling by holding a barbecue with lots of alcohol?

I think there is a lot more to this story than being told. You said your SIL said to your husband "I told you she was psychotic" which would indicate there have been many conversations between her and you DH about your behaviour.

She would not cross the threshold of my front door ever again and I would not be attending anything that she was also invited to.

There's no coming back from this situation, even if she apologies. People project themselves when accusing others, clearly she's the psychotic one, quite mentally unbalanced for making such a big scene infront of the children. This is not someone who you want around you or your children ever again. tell that to your husband. He can deal with her privately but never involve you or your children again. Then cut loses with her and never look back. You don't want this level of toxicity in your life.

I’m afraid the only way I would forgive her would be if she had some sort of undiagnosed medical condition affecting her behaviour and judgement. And even then, I would only see her enforcing strict boundaries.

If there is nothing medically wrong with her and she is just unpleasant, that would be the end for me. I also would not have her around my children at all if possible, and supervised in other circumstances.

So....dh will make her apologise and then everything will be ok. ?
We..no it won't.
I'd never want anything to do with her after that

I agree with this, usually people like your SIL will throw at you the worst insult THEY would find most upsetting, so perhaps her self esteem is low and she's projecting

In any event, your DH probably needs to do nothing right now, just leave it and let things calm down. Your sil needs to reflect and you and your H have acted quickly, decisively and clearly in light of her behaviour

You were not wrong to call her out on her comments, what happened next was down to her. Leave her to stew and carry on with your life as if nothing happened. She won't be getting any invites anymore, there will be no contact and that is down to her.

Don't let this get to you.

not minimising what your sil did and said as I think regardless a line has been crossed.
But could I ask what sil was drinking. I don’t drink so probably noticed it more around friends who drank

I have been to many a barbecue where the jugs of Pimms come out and certain people end up causing arguments akin to what your sister was like, or getting emotionally depressed. Whisky I also saw was another trigger drink that made even the mildest mannered person turn into someone who wanted to fight anyone who glanced at them

As for brandy making you randy. I witnessed that also.

Nope, that relationship is over. I don't think it's possible to go back from that. I certainly wouldn't even consider trying if I was in your shoes.