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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blazing row with SIL tonight!

265 replies

User10932 · 04/09/2023 00:58

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

OP posts:
ImNotWorthy · 04/09/2023 21:43

DNLove · 04/09/2023 13:31

I think there is a lot more to this story than being told. You said your SIL said to your husband "I told you she was psychotic" which would indicate there have been many conversations between her and you DH about your behaviour.

Sounds more like vitriol from the SIL to me.

MzHz · 04/09/2023 23:03

Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 16:20

Would you assault someone if they threatened you? If the Police were called, what would you say? She/He threatened me so I hit them? The Police would then say, perfectly acceptable and walk away. 🙄

Show quote history

Self defence is perfectly justifiable

@User10932 didnt hit anyone, she merely threw water to shock and stop the onslaught. It worked. It diffused the situation, especially when young kids were in the midst.

no police officer would do anything about it. There were enough witnesses to back up @User10932 anyway.

but do of course carry on with your version of the law

MzHz · 04/09/2023 23:04

Sheesh, the lengths people go to, trying to make an op look unreasonable.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 00:15

MzHz · 04/09/2023 23:03

Self defence is perfectly justifiable

@User10932 didnt hit anyone, she merely threw water to shock and stop the onslaught. It worked. It diffused the situation, especially when young kids were in the midst.

no police officer would do anything about it. There were enough witnesses to back up @User10932 anyway.

but do of course carry on with your version of the law

Show quote history

In terms of legal ramifications, throwing water onto someone is an assault. A person is guilty of common assault if they either inflict violence on another person – however slight this might be – or make that person think they are about to be attacked.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 00:20

MzHz · 04/09/2023 23:04

Sheesh, the lengths people go to, trying to make an op look unreasonable.

I'm trying to make OP realise that everyone at that barbecue behaved unreasonably including her and except the children. The children were probably the only ones behaving themselves. I feel absolutely sorry for these children.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 00:26

@MzHz
What made you think throwing water at SIL diffused the situation? It was her brother that grabbed her and removed her.

TawnyLarue · 05/09/2023 00:48

What kind of Jeremy Kyle shit is this?

I would love to hear the other side of this one.

Bibbitus · 05/09/2023 08:34

Further to my other post on this. Having read the responses and on reflection. I would say alcohol abuse is the common factor exacerbating deep seated familial tensions. So both tensions and the alcohol feed each other have to be addressed. As mentioned previously try Al anon

The OP was stressed about going back to teaching so has a family barbecue perhaps to take her mind off things or prove herself to her relatives who she struggles to satisfy. This provided an opportunity for relatives to make matters worse, the OP never will satisfy these people they only care about alcohol and justifying their drinking. The OP clearly doesn’t approve of them and resents her husband’s tolerance of their addiction. So she has to be attacked as a threat to their addiction.

Far better to have gone for a walk and meal with husband and kids to relax before returning to work rather than organise a party for alcoholics who hate you.

Husband is in the middle and worries he should be harder with his relatives but just wants a peaceful life if only OP would play the game like him?

Going off for 40 mins only stoked the fire and risks alienating husband. SIL initially sympathetic because OPs upset puts the focus on mothers drinking not SiLs but OP not receptive to colluding and took herself away so SIL had to punish her as OP not playing the game to SILs benefit.

So SiL verbally assaults threatens OP. OP physically assaults SIL. SIL continue to harassment by text abuse. All criminal offences but SIL the worst offender. Police would calm things down and issue advice about behaviour suggest cab for SIL.

The solution for the OP rests with the OP setting boundaries to keep herself and her children safe. Not easy with so much pressure to conform to happy families and collude with alcoholism. And of course the OP has her own worries to deal with and teaching is very stressful. But the OP has to draw the line within the family.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 13:52

Bibbitus · 05/09/2023 08:34

Further to my other post on this. Having read the responses and on reflection. I would say alcohol abuse is the common factor exacerbating deep seated familial tensions. So both tensions and the alcohol feed each other have to be addressed. As mentioned previously try Al anon

The OP was stressed about going back to teaching so has a family barbecue perhaps to take her mind off things or prove herself to her relatives who she struggles to satisfy. This provided an opportunity for relatives to make matters worse, the OP never will satisfy these people they only care about alcohol and justifying their drinking. The OP clearly doesn’t approve of them and resents her husband’s tolerance of their addiction. So she has to be attacked as a threat to their addiction.

Far better to have gone for a walk and meal with husband and kids to relax before returning to work rather than organise a party for alcoholics who hate you.

Husband is in the middle and worries he should be harder with his relatives but just wants a peaceful life if only OP would play the game like him?

Going off for 40 mins only stoked the fire and risks alienating husband. SIL initially sympathetic because OPs upset puts the focus on mothers drinking not SiLs but OP not receptive to colluding and took herself away so SIL had to punish her as OP not playing the game to SILs benefit.

So SiL verbally assaults threatens OP. OP physically assaults SIL. SIL continue to harassment by text abuse. All criminal offences but SIL the worst offender. Police would calm things down and issue advice about behaviour suggest cab for SIL.

The solution for the OP rests with the OP setting boundaries to keep herself and her children safe. Not easy with so much pressure to conform to happy families and collude with alcoholism. And of course the OP has her own worries to deal with and teaching is very stressful. But the OP has to draw the line within the family.

Wow, it's amazing how you manage to get inside people's heads. It really is a gift you have.

LizzieOc · 05/09/2023 17:48

No return from these horrid comments

amispeakingintongues · 05/09/2023 17:58

DH is being naive, obviously.
prob also in denial as to how awful her behaviour is and what an impact it will have. Hope your first day back was okay and get an early night tonight. you don’t need to discuss it with DH or justify your feelings to quietly quit on your SIL. Will she really apologise anyway? She sounds nuts.

AnneValentine · 05/09/2023 18:21

I would be very suspicious re what your DH has been saying behind your back. People don’t just come out with stuff like that, plus he’s not irritated with her…

Itick8outof10boxes · 05/09/2023 18:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DrJackDaniels · 05/09/2023 18:33

Wow this place is crazy sometimes! How many posts do we see where DH has made arrangements without checking it’s ok / convenient and there’s a tonne of posts saying ‘take yourself off out / check into a hotel and leave him to it - he can host’ and yet here the OP takes some time out to get over it and compose herself and is being chastised.
yes throwing water in someone’s face isn’t great but come on, how many people would accept being called all those names in front of their family and not react in some way? Some would be calm and walk away where as some with knock them out, throw water, call names back. If the OP said she calmly ask her to leave I swear there’d be some posters not believing her.

Anyway, for me, I wouldn’t ever have her in my house again. I’ve never had an altercation like that with family and could never imagine it. I would accept an apology, draw a line but say that’s it, I don’t want anything further to do with her.

Haugh · 05/09/2023 18:42

I’m not understanding why we have so many deleted texts.
please explain xx

greenbeansnspinach · 05/09/2023 18:44

I think there have been a lot of very rude ones that thankfully have got removed. I do like the way that MNHQ seems to keep a close eye on things!

mcmooberry · 05/09/2023 18:50

Don't care how rude the OP was leaving her guests and clearing up before they had left (think leaving the SIL to talk to her brother while she cleared up was fine actually), what the SIL came out with was totally unforgivable and I wouldn't have her back in the house after that. She sounds like one of those people who everyone else is on eggshells around or she might go nuclear like this.
Hope you managed to get some sleep OP and got through the day ok. Stay firm about not having her back in your life, it will become normal soon.

ihadamarveloustime · 05/09/2023 18:53

She wouldn't be welcome to my home again. If your DH wants to see her and pretend all is well, he can do it elsewhere. My children wouldn't be going to see her either.

WendyWagon · 05/09/2023 18:57

In my humble opinion booze is the problem here. Personally I wouldn't be called a 'Tuesday girl' by anyone. I don't have to get on with vulgar, rude idiots and not in my house. NC vote for me.

Cetim · 05/09/2023 18:57

She is the psychotic one by the sounds of it. Not sure how an apology will sort this. I would be livid and you did well to restrain yourself and only throw water. I would be tempted to throw her out physically.

Tough one for you but you are nbu. Just set a boundary and stick to it because you are in the right. Good luck

T

Twilight7777 · 05/09/2023 19:26

I’d show your DH this thread if he still thinks you’re being unreasonable not accepting SIL ‘apology’ which if you have to be told to make an apology then in my mind it’s not a true one. I’d be cutting SIL, DH can see her outside of the house but you and the kids are not.

CPRMummy · 05/09/2023 19:26

You're completely within your rights to never see her again. She sounds unhinged so tbh I wouldn't allow my kids round her either. I've learnt that family or blood mean nothing in life, family is made from the friends you love and can depend on, and vice versa.

AbbeyGailsParty · 05/09/2023 19:40

Stand your ground, OP. DSil should not be welcomed back ever. Your dc will be even more confused ( and possibly scared) if SIL comes into your home again. She crossed the line.

Clarabell77 · 05/09/2023 19:43

I’m going to be honest she was out of order but you sounded a bit dickish pulling him up for not coming to comfort you. Have you done things like that before when she’s been there or could he have told her stuff? Not that it excuses it, especially in front of kids, but if I’d been your husband I’d probably have told you to fuck off at that point.

Fuckthatguy · 05/09/2023 19:45

Reads like a scene from Jerry Springer, poor DC witnessing their mother off in a huff, their drunk SIL ranting like a lunatic and their drunk grandmother. Not to mentioned OP arguing with all and sundry. Not much mention of the DHs contribution to this shitshow.

As for throwing water in someone’s face? SIL may have good reason to have such a low opinion.

This is a very toxic environment for the DC and you all are all at fault.

Family therapy may be a starting point, as the DC will be traumatised witnessing this, and before the start of the school year. Just awful.