Blazing row with SIL tonight!

[User10932]

Sorry, it’s a long one!

DH and I invited my DM and his Dsis over for a BBQ today.
I have a very strained relationship with DM (alcoholic, drinking even more heavily since losing DSD a couple of months ago). I removed myself for a bit after a particularly difficult conversation with DM, she left, and I then came back. Said to DH it would have been nice if he had checked if I was ok in the 40mins I was gone - his answer was he was BBQing and hosting and thought I just wanted to be left alone. Ended up in us being a bit cross with each other, but was squashed and all fine. SIL on the other hand was sympathetic and understanding.

I went to the kitchen after clearing everything away by myself, to do the washing up but could hear SIL in the garden saying to DH that I’m psychotic, mental, she feels sorry for him having to live with me (we never row, we’re married happily 99% of the time, raising our family, both just trying to make everyone happy all the time).
I came out, said I could hear her and told her if she was going to be disrespectful to me in my own house having fed her and waited on her hand and foot all night then she could leave. She then said to DH “see, psychotic! Listening in to what I’m saying to you!”. Our garden table is next to our open kitchen door!
she completely lost it with me in front of mine and DHs children - called me a cunt, a slag, a dirty fucking tramp, to get back in the gutter where I’d be if it wasn’t for her brother etc. DH shouting at her to stop. I sent the DCs away, and repeatedly told her to stop disrespecting me and to leave. She got very aggressive and was threatening all sorts (she’d smash my face in etc). Not proud to admit but at that point a threw water in her face but I’d just got so angry at that point. DH grabbed her, called her a cab and kicked her out.
I then started to get abusive texts from her (I’m a fucking bitch etc). DCs very upset, I’ve had to stay with them in bed and calm them - they have school tomorrow. Just awful for them!

DH has said to me to leave it and he will speak to SIL tomorrow and make her apologise and then everything will be fine again. I’ve told him she’s crossed a massive line tonight and I’ll never be around her again. He says it’s his Dsis and we have to get along. AIBU?!

Point blank refuse to be around her

She threated to assault you!!

Is this for real? You actually think what people were drinking is relevant to this? If you do find out, what advice will you give OP? Tell SIL not to drink anymore Pimm's? Don't have this particular drink around SIL. The award goes to Yalta for the most ridiculous question.

Do agree with others that there might be more of a back story here though.

I'm also unclear who the alcoholic is - DM or OP?

SIL behaviour was unacceptable but she threatened to assault. OP actually assaulted SIL by throwing a drink in her face.

OP's Mother is the alcoholic.

I had a similar thing happen to me and I'd recommend not seeing here again. You and you're kids don't need that drama!

Yep, its not surprising though is it

Oh no, what age are your kids?? Your DH should be angry about all that being said to you, but saying it in front of your children? He should be RAGING about that. She should apologise to them and you, otherwise no more relationship with any of you. They must be terrified of her. I grew up with family who used to scream at each other (remember my aunt throwing a saucepan at my mum) and I have massive, massive issues. Don’t let your kids go through it. If you have to give the DH an ultimatum, so be it.

Also, your behaviour was not ok either throwing a drink. You should also apologise to your kids. Poor things seeing all that.

I don't condone assault, unless you have to protect yourself. SIL threatened, but we can't just go around assaulting people that threaten.

The whole scene was absolutely awful for children to be witnessing. I personally think everyone at that party held a part to this shit show.

Me too, I cut contact when my daughter was four. Didn't want her around the toxicity that I experienced.

She left out gin! A well known depressant!

Well it was enough to diffuse the situation and stop this trailer trash from ACTUALLY following through on the 'smash your face in' threat.

So entirely provoked and deserved.

Edit - sorry that was to @Theblacksheepandme

Would you assault someone if they threatened you? If the Police were called, what would you say? She/He threatened me so I hit them? The Police would then say, perfectly acceptable and walk away. 🙄

ALL alcohol is a depressant.

All the women involved sound to blame.

Having an argument with your recently bereaved alcoholic mother so that you sulk off out of your own BBQ for 40 minutes until she leaves is childish and rude.

Then you picked a fight with your husband in front of his sister, expecting him to simultaneously host on your behalf and check how you were. Unreasonable and petty.

Then you came out all guns blazing when she was empathising with her brother about how you treated him (and possibly your mother?)

Yes, she was spectacularly rude, but the common denominator in all these fights - in front of your children - is you. By all means cut her out of your life, but recognise your own behaviour was awful.

The whole afternoon sounds fraught and emotionally high octane.

Did your SIL hear you say you were upset with him that he didn’t check on you?

Did everyone need to know you had had an upsetting conversation with your Mum? And could that not have been de-escalated / diverted, at a family BBQ with kids around?

How was your DH responding when SIL was slagging you off? Her behaviour was outrageous but tbh I would not have gone out and confronted her with kids present. I would have taken it up with DH (and her) later.

But none of that excuses her truly horrible and thoroughly unacceptable behaviour. And if she really believes those things and doesn’t like you, how does DH think it can be happy families?

Sorry if I have misunderstood, but is your DH recently bereaved and lost a child? In which case why is your Mum drinking and creating drama around it? And I do feel sorry for your DH if this is the case, he is devastatingly bereaved and surrounded by everyone else in an emotional state.

Oh, sorry, DSD is your step Dad not step son.

I'd honestly never have her over again. It's not fair on the children, they were probably scared and worried. He can see his sister outside the home, but never in our house.

I think you have to take some responsibility for the way your evening turned out: Inviting people over and then leaving them for 40 minutes is extremely bad form - appalling hostessing. Think of the message you are sending out to them...one of 'I can't be bothered with you.'

If you know you have a strained relationship with your alcoholic mother all the more reason to be alert and ready to navigate the situation to the best of your ability. Sometimes it is better to grit your teeth and smile, especially since you'd invited them as your guests. Sometimes you have to be an adult and you have to rise above it.

Your husband was right to stay and host. I imagine your rude, lengthy disappearance was extremely embarrassing for him. You don't seem to have considered anyone else's feelings but your own or thought about the rude impression you were making.

Then you say you cleared everything and went to do the washing up - WHILE you still had guests! Or at least, one guest - your SIL. How rude!

Her language was unforgivable, but you could have calmly apologised, told her that you didn't feel well and then asked her to leave.

Do you think that throwing a glass of water over her was an appropriate way to handle an already volatile situation?

Perhaps spend some time thinking about your actions. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to invest in a book on successful party hostessing, how to make sparkling conversation, and Emily Post's Etiquette, the Centennial Edition, which has been modernised, but probably won't deal with being called a cunt or throwing water over people.

Lastly, as a teacher aren't you supposed to set an example?

The OP’s mum is bereaved, having lost OP’s Dear StepDad

I think we have to remember that teachers are indeed supposed to set an example - to their students!

When a teacher is at home, amongst family members, are they still supposed to be in “teacher” mode? Of course not! Teachers are human after all.

There was a lot of bad behaviour but the one thing that puzzles me, is that OP invited her DM, who is recently bereaved and has an alcohol problem and she also invites her SIL, who is well known to be badly behaved when drinking, and she still had alcohol of some sort, at her BBQ!

I totally understand wanting to make the most of the last day before school starts, but with all the issues that this family seems to have around alcohol, I think I would have provided lemonade or alcohol free wine!

I don't think he's innocent either. He shouldn't have allowed his sister to talk badly about his wife. He should have instantly shut that conversation down.

I think we have to remember that teachers are indeed supposed to set an example - to their students!

It wasn’t the morality I was taking issue with - it’s just I never slept anyway the night before going back when I was teaching, and I’d never have planned a family gathering that was likely to get both boozy and fraught for the night before - and I can’t imagine any of the teachers I know doing that either. That’s why the teacher thing stood out to me.