Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

[Babyat43]

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

Everybody is different, so it’s impossible to figure out if you’re able by comparing to others. You’d need to see a fertility specialist to access how many eggs you have, hormone levels, etc.

But I just had a baby at 41, I’m quite fertile, conceived the old fashioned way. I’m open to having another in a few years. Some women conceive in their 50’s and above. I heard a lot of stories from ultrasound techs and doctor’s etc. when I was pregnant. Everyone was so enthusiastic about older mothers. It’s funny to me because I feel quite young!

But some women have issues in their 20’s. So there’s no way to know until you get accessed. But other than that if you want to be a mother go for it. There’s lots of positives for being older. I have 3 older kids, all teenagers, and then a 12 year gap between them and my 1yo. I like being older, I feel more relaxed as a person, I have more money now, I know how fast time flies so I’m more present and appreciative of every moment.

The drama about older parents is ridiculous. I had my first at 19 my last one at 40 , my mum had me at 20 and my Nan had her at 43 , she was just retiring when I was born and she was an amazing nan that’s spend most days with me , my parents on the other hand are both still working at 61 and 62 so less time for the grandchildren. Most people live well into their 80s on relatively good health . 40s is far from old or even 60s , most 60 years olds are active and traveling

Yes because all children are well planned , specially those from your parents 🙄.

I had my one and only at 43. We weren't especially trying (had the attitude of if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesnt- we'd been married for 7 years, and together a lot longer)

I now have a very happy, healthy 3 year old

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

My main issue is that you dont seem to care that you may die young and leave your child motherless.

The average life expectancy for a woman in the uk is almost 83. Of course people can die younger but that is true of someone who has a child at any age.

What a mean and ridiculous comment.

This. Mumsnet is mental. There's so much ageism against women who have children younger than the average of 31.

My health is utterly f*cked and I am only 40! I have several children though.

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s

What?!

Sorry, have we really got a poster trying to discourage/laying into a woman about having a baby because she may die young?

What?

Anyone could die at any moment. If you didn’t do something in case you died ‘young’ no one would do anything.

A relative had her first baby at 43 and is now, in her late 50s, being treated for breast cancer. It’s a risk factor. But then so are many other things.

OP- you can try but I’d be realistic about the chances and manage your expectations going into it. If you’re to do it, I’d get on with it now. No time to waste.

its not impossible to have a child at 43. It’s just not as common as people on MN would have you believe. On MN, mid forties women are pushing out babies left, right and centre. In reality, this isn’t the case.

The risks of health complications go up as well for the baby and for the mother. That’s something that needs to be considered.

I also sit in the camp of “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” A lot of posters cry ageism when people raise concerns about people having babies late- but the people raising the concerns are right.

It’s not fair or ideal to bring a child into the world knowing that you could be subjecting them to be your carer at a time when they should be enjoying themselves and building their own lives.

The blasé attitude about it from some makes me think that having a child isn’t about providing a great family for this child but instead about fulfilling some deep desire of the parents- regardless of the consequences on the child.

The phrase “age is just a number,” drives me mental. It’s not just a number. It’s a biological reality and it carries with it a heap of consequences if you ignore it. Age is just a number where certain hobbies are concerned but babies and parenthood? No.

im not saying don’t do it. I’m just saying you need to think long and hard about the consequences. IVF can take a long time to be successful so you could be looking at 45/46 before you’ve even had a baby.

You’ll be fed all this “go for it!” by posters on here and anyone who raises legitimate concerns is shouted down and labelled bitter but you do need to think on those legitimate concerns.

The reason people ask why you haven’t tried before now is because it makes it seem like it was potentially never a priority for you before now. It’s trying to dig at why now?

I went through a phase at 35 thinking I wanted a child. I researched widely, I panicked and freaked out about declining fertility and then I stopped. I asked myself the question “if you’ve never wanted kids before now, why now?” It made me realise that I didn’t truly want a child.

good luck op whatever you decide to do.

Yes, that is true.

However, let’s not pretend that 35 year olds are dying all the time. They’re not. Not even close to the rate of much older people.

You need to go for this OP. Yes it might not work but if you set yourself a limit like 1 round or 3 rounds. Then you can say you did everything you could to try. You will have no regrets in ten years.

We conceived our second with IVF. We set a limit of four cycles. We conceived on our second cycle. I was glad we were doing our best to conceive even when the first cycle failed. It felt like a success in the sense we had tried something….

43 is a harder age to conceive. BUT you don’t have known fertility issues. Good luck whatever you decide.

Also I wouldn’t try naturally for 18 months, I’d try for 6 months max. You need to collect your eggs as soon as possible for a better chance of them being euploid (genetically normal)

I had a friend who was treated for breast cancer aged 36. She had a 2 year old at the time. My mum had breast cancer aged 65. They both survived it. But obviously not everyone does. You really don't know what the future may hold. And while I agree you need to think more carefully about having children later in life, I don't think dying young should be the main concern. Especially as the vast majority of women won't be able to conceive (naturally) past 45 even with IVF. And the vast majority of women in this country live past 65 so their children (while young) will be legal adults at least. And yes I still get that losing parents in your 20s is horrible it's still different to losing them as young children. I lost my dad when I was 25. My friend lost her mum when she was 10. I think her loss was much worse. (Her mum was only 39 by the way so despite having her children young she still left them motherless at a young age).

It’s not fair or ideal to bring a child into the world knowing that you could be subjecting them to be your carer at a time when they should be enjoying themselves and building their own lives

I honestly don't get this obsession a section of MN has with young people becoming carers to parents. The vast majority of people who need care are late 70s or 80+ So if you have a child at 43, they'll be mid to late 30s themselves by the time their parents are old.

Plenty of time for uni and travelling (if that's what they want), getting themselves set up in work and their own family. And the parents themselves have plenty of time to put a support system in place.

I agree, it's silly to say age is just a number. But let's not be equally silly and suggest that children born to women aged 40+ will inevitably face onerous responsibilities and early bereavement.

Life is one big risk after another.

Got to think about it in the future....do you really want a teenager when you are in your 60s?

I'm sure you will get people saying 'But I was fine!' but most people would find that very challenging. Post 40 is not a great idea. Having kids isn't an automatic right.

Go for it OP, if it happens great, if it doesn't at least you tried and could explore other options.

My friend was married at 41 and had her one and only baby a week before turning 45. Healthy happy baby and mum, she exercised until 3 days before birth and was back in the pool 10 days later.

I know another girl who can't conceive at 24. Very unhealthy lifestyle though.

You can lose your parents at any age. My friend lost her dad at 55 to cancer, but my gran had just died aged nearly 92.

My mother had me at 42. No assistance.
Good luck OP x

I had my one and only at 46

Things have been challenging at times but I don’t know if any more so than if I’d been younger. I’m in my 60s now and yes, I am starting to feel physically tired but he’s at an age now where he can help with stuff (moved the washing machine for example ) so that’s a bonus 😀

Have I ever regretted having him - no.

But you do need to really want a child and from your posts I don’t feel like you really do OP. You have a long term partner and yet you have been discussing ttc for a year now. You don’t have time on your side and if you really wanted this I think you would have gone for it by now

DH has already said that the DC will be changing his adult nappies when all the DC are older and DH is ill with dementia, if it comes to pass 🤣

Good luck OP. I have teenagers and am 42 but with a partner who doesn’t have children. The time has never been right to consider another, and I had said once I hit 40 it was off the table, but have recently been rethinking that and considering trying and thinking about the risks/challenges etc so will be keeping everything crossed for you