Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

[Babyat43]

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

So many people will tell you doom-laden stories about the statistics on here, Mumsnet has a distinctly ageist tone on occasions.

All I can say is try naturally. If you are fit and of a healthy weight, eat well and look after yourself, there is no reason why you should not conceive naturally. Our bodies often go through a period of increased fertility before menopause so a baby at this age is really not that rare.

I had ds when I was 45+2, My dm had my little sis when she was 44+5. All fine, no issues, born naturally. So no, yanbu.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

Most highly educated professionals 😂

Is that a technical term?!

This mythical demographic have their babies between 28 and 32 according to you? Care to share a link?

It's widely known that women who have a higher level of education and pursue meaningful careers tend to have babies later.

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it?
There are advantages and disadvantages to having babies earlier and later. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having an only child v siblings, etc etc.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

You really seem set on critiquing older mums, to the extent of spouting a load of old cobblers. Is there a reason for that?

My mum had me when she was just 19, a year and a half after she got married at 18.

I lost her when she was 62, and my children were just 9, 7 and 3.

My youngest was born when I was 40. I don't look or act my age and none of my kids has ever been concerned about my age!

Op- if you want a baby, go for it

You probably know time is against you but no harm in trying.

The people saying you shouldn’t have a child in your 40s because adults in their 20s should be enjoying life, travelling, studying etc rather than worrying about elderly parents. Presumably these people think they also shouldn’t ruin the carefree fun of their twenties by having children, so are they saying there is just a short window of ten years from around 27 to 37 when it’s acceptable to have children?

I agree with this. It makes me wonder if all the posters who saying they had the first at 43 and the second at 45 full of BS. I've met one or two people in my whole life who successfully started their families over 40 without intervention. I know a few people like myself who had their last child around this age. Your chance of conceiving over 40 is about 5%. The huge numbers of 40 + first time mothers on mumsnet don't tally with reality.

Nonsense! Women in 2023 dress and act much younger than our forbears did!

I have never, ever been mistaken for my 20 year old's grandmother!!!

No I didn't have a baby at that age. I never said I did, but you carry on making stuff up to suit your agenda. I was defending those who did have a baby at 19-21, after the vile post by the poster who said anyone who was a nan at 40 had ruined their life and fucked up the best years of her life - by being a mum early. I see a lot of bitterness on here from a few posters - but I sure ain't one of them.

Funny how no-one (hardly) has called out the poster who was so vile to the poster who said she is a nan at 40. Speaks volumes about the double standards on here (from some.)

@Namechangeniamh In my mums group (there are many mums) the youngest is maybe 28 and no others around that age. The oldest was around 47 with a new baby, she had an older boy too. The majority of mums are mid 30’s to 43 ish for new babies (not sure of all of them, but from the ones I know closely, I’m they conceived naturally )

Thank you for all the positive comments, I'm going to go for it, and try for the next 18 months. People often comment that I look like I'm in my 30's, no doubt a baby will change that 😂

It may sound selfish but if I die young then so be it. I've known 2 children from separate families who have been orphaned due to tragic accidents. Nothing in this life is guaranteed.

My partner is 5 years younger and I have a younger sister who would happily help.

If you had other children then yes, it is too old, for many reasons. But if you want a child then why not go for it, understanding the risks etc. It's a better gamble than never trying.

Fair enough, most of the kids have older siblings - but mostly a 2 year age gap so very late 30s for the first baby. A handful went on to have another one after the child dds age so very firmly in the mid 40s when the child was born.
Does having one pre 40 make you more likely to be able to have another post 40? I e got no idea (1 was enough for me!)

Forgot to add that, despite my mum being 19 when I was born, her father had died years before. My dad was older but his mother died from breast cancer in her 50s so she was also long gone. My paternal grandfather died when I was 5. How I would have loved to know that man!!

He had 6 sons and 2 daughters. His eldest DD had twins 'out of wedlock' and the girls were reared in the family home. One of them died from diptheria when she was 4/5. The younger DD got pregnant by a married Catholic man (my family wasn't Catholic) and she went off to a convent to give birth and have her child adopted. My grandad sent his oldest son to bring her home to have her baby, and she was welcomed into the family. We're talking 55-65 years ago. Her mum, my aunt, is alive and well in her 90s.

Age is just a number and there are no guarantees!

I had my first child at 42 (an IVF baby). I had my second at 43 (conceived naturally). My second baby had a genetic condition which has negatively impacted on his life and has had a huge impact on the family. True this can happen at any age but nearly 20 years on at 63 I am just too old and too tired to cope. I love him. I have always loved him. However remember that at 43 the risk of having a child with physical/developmental issues is much greater and you need to be strong enough to cope. I am not strong enough, my health has suffered and although I love my child with every bone in my body- day to day it is hard and harder if you are older.

So.....you are just going to "go for it" on the basis of a thread on mumsnet and a throwaway comment from a nurse, relying on other people to parent this hypothetical child if you cant.

Good plan.

What could possibly go wrong?

This! Love it!!

How does your husband/partner feel about it?

Oh my days. The post from the OP at 23.27 has just knocked me sideways. WTF have I just read?! I'm out. I need my bed anyway!

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer I'm 45 years older than my ds but have never once been mistaken for his gran 😂

I take care to ensure my health & fitness. Continue to work full time in tech, Ski, cycle and run with my ds. When I first had ds, I was determined that he would have a mum who joined in and that is what I have done.

It can take a little effort sometimes but he's a happy, confident secure person who knows I have his back. We have a strong bond. He has had a good childhood and I've enjoyed every minute.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer - me too. Wish I hadn't shared now.

I agree that comment was vile and has unfortunately gone under the radar. I may have had children later, and it may not be ideal in all aspects. I also know someone else in the opposite situation, who was a young mum and grandma and although she has faced hardship in her life, she is doing very well now and three generations of her family are all in good health and enjoying each others company and support.

None of this debate helps the OP much though does it. She can't go back to her 20s or 30s, her choice is now or never really.

I had a baby at 43. Conceived first month of trying, complication-free pregnancy, no issues with tiredness etc, no problems as a very physically active Mum, no drama!

Nothing wrong wanting a baby. Given your health, job, lifestyle do you want to be parenting a toddler in 3 years time and so on as your DD/DS grows? You are also more likely to have twins - could you cope financially?
Is your partner keen?
if all that seems to line up go ahead.