Son’s internet history is really weird. No idea what to do.

[Flippersfriend]

A few months back, when he first got his own iPad, I discovered my 11yo son had been looking up videos of something really really strange.

Firstly I apologise for not writing what it is here. I’m worried this post will come up when he searches for this topic again.

It’s nothing remotely illegal or adult or sexual or dangerous, just really really odd and definitely indicative of something very odd on his mind. Nothing to do with sexuality or gender either.

I’ve raised it with him before and asked (very calmly and non judgementally) why he looked that up so often and would he like to talk about it more. I said he wasn’t in any trouble at all but it was an unusual thing to be looking up. He was embarrassed and said no reason at all and refused to talk about it any further.

It stopped for a while but I’ve found a load more searches from the last few days.

As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad. If he’d only looked it up once or twice it wouldn’t be a concern at all, but he’s looking it up over and over again.

While I realise it’s hard to give advice when I’m not giving specifics, my question is more around how I talk to him about it again.

If he were a friend I’d want to say “dude this is really bloody weird. Why the F are you looking this up so much?” But I can’t say that to my child!

I’m a single parent so I can’t ask his dad to talk to him (it’s not a man related thing anyway).

It wouldn't worry me, but I can be fascinated by anything and everything, and I've always been that way. I know I'm wired a little unusually though, so I can see how it might bother you if your own thoughts run in more orderly and conventional directions.

I wouldn't have a formal talk unless it's something objectively worrying. You could try to casually chat in passing though. 'What's your new thing, or are you still into X? Dinner's in 10 minutes.' Weren't you into X a while back, found out anything new? Can you pass the ketchup please.' That sort of thing.

Before seeing him as something to fix, could you have a chat with someone about what bothers you about it, and if it is actually objectively weird? He might just work very differently to you.

I used to be obsessed with polio and the iron lungs. It fascinated me. There was this documentary where the person learning about it was actually allowed to lie in one and have it breathe for her and I was enthralled. I wanted to have a go. Then I ended up on the black plague.

My most recent one is birth defects, mostly cyclopia and otocephaly. The science of it fascinates me. Though possibly best you don't look those last two up if you have a delicate constitution. They don't make easy viewing.

It may not be anxiety but just an interest in the subject.

This! Easy- just ask him.

I think best to have it out in the open - search for it together and talk about why it interests him. Do it without judgement - lead with curiosity (don't call it 'unusual') - say that you're interested too and want to find out more. If he keeps searching I'd imagine he's looking for answers that he hasn't yet found. Try to exhaust the topic and hopefully he'll then be at peace with it and will stop looking. Good luck :)

I think what is worrying me is the possibility that he wants to actually be an amputee (using my example)

Are you worried that it is the early stages of a sexual fetish developing? Your example has men who fetishise it; is it the same with whatever he's really searching?

If that's your concern, I can understand why you're worried.

Assuming it’s some kind of disability are you sure there isn’t someone at his school with it?

I regret opening threads like these. This has to be like the 8th thread I’ve read this week where OP will post a thread that will definitely spark an interest in the majority and then not share what it is. What’s the point of MN anymore when everyone has this fear of being identified whilst leaving posters baffled. Almost feels bloody deliberate.

My child was obsessed with prison at around age 9-10. This was pre-internet so they would ask me about it, what you wore, what you ate, what your bed was like, who would come and see you, and what would you have to do to get sent to prison. It was endless, I had a friend who was a criminal lawyer so had of course been to see clients in jail and I got them to chat with my child. I have no idea what caused the obsession and it went away to be replaced by one about deep sea diving!

I wonder if you could approach his ‘obsession’ with a sense of interest..
I understand that you want to just talk to him more about it without him just shutting down. Could you tell him you are interested in it too? Or tell him you are so interested in his interest? Or have you got an example of something you have been really interested in that you could share with him? Maybe you could offer him a way to find out more about it ie, maybe watch a film or something he wouldn’t be able to source/sort solo?

Basically, just trying to enter the conversation in a tone that hopefully doesn’t trigger his sense of shame over it. But appreciate that might be impossible.

I imagine you are wondering if it’s just this topic that has grabbed his imagination in an unusual way or if this is just an outlet for an obsessive tendency.. would be hard to tell without him opening up.

I wouldn't worry tbh op. Often I get fixated on random sometimes morbid stuff for no obvious reason, some recent obsessions have been crowd crushes, dictatorships and nazi Germany. Its just a fixation. It will subside and be replaced by a new fixation. X

Could he be anxious about that thing happening? Ie ,if its a question about "what happens when we die" .

Thankfully you also have the ability to close the thread and move on with your day.

Everyone on here as a right to disclose or not disclose absolutely anything they want.

I know you just used it as an example but has he just watched a film on amputation? Or learned about it in school, has a friend who's just had on or relative? It's probably just like the death obsession children get when it finally dawns on them what it really means, nothing to worry about.

It could be the beginning of a fetish, in which case not much you can do about it. Or maybe its an interest in a medical field and he might one day work in improving the well being of people with the particular affliction

Is it something you believe could become detrimental to his mental health, safety or future?
If it is then it’s worth sitting him down and having a very in-depth chat about and then maybe going to the GP for advice.
If it’s none of the above then it’s best left be, it will probably be something he will naturally become less interested over time.
I am 50 and have had very strange interests (verging on obsessional at times) over the years. Some minds just work that way!

It’s crossed my mind but it’s a really uncomfortable thought.

you could speak to the school op

You've piqued people's curiosity, which is a perfectly normal response (unlike some of the morbid/mawkish obsessions being fessed up to! Who knew there were such numbers of strange folk walking amongst us 😂).

Whilst I agree in general, I think in this case it's perfectly clear and I think OP is very wise not to give specifics. She's given an example so we can just run with that.

That all sounds quite natural for his age. I imagine if we read Piaget, we would understand more.

At that age I was fascinated by what it must be like to be blind. I actually walked into walls at lot from trying to understand it. The internet wasn't around in my day.

My brother was obsessed with trains and then astronomy

My concern when reading this is that it made my mind immediately jump to that woman who made herself deliberately blind.

It was a sort of dysmorphia I believe where she just obsessively believed that she should be blind. I think she poured chemicals in her eyes and is now blind.

I would discuss it with him and consider a little bit of therapy around it just to establish what it's all about .

Also, anyone who read my search history would think I'm a serial killer and I can confirm, I have definitely not killed multiple people with no apparent motive following a characteristic, predictable behaviour pattern. And not just because I googled the definition of a serial killer for this reply!

That's exactly what a serial killer would say...

I once mentioned casually in a conversation 'you know when you lick a battery...' to be met by blank stares. I googled all sorts for a week.
I guess it depends what you call weird. Is he ND? If you have ADHD it's really easy to 'go down the rabbit hole'. One minute you're talking about mastic, then it'll be silicone, false breast, surgery, transitioning, etc. If it makes you feel better I had a couple of weeks of googling US lifters sex habits...this bounced to general 'deviant' practices then to eels. I've now found out about elbers and the altlantic. I'm now wondering how birds navigate. Wanting to find out about something 'non mainstream' doesn't mean you want to try/do/watch/eat it...
Besides, who said this interest was weird. Do you just mean it's unusual? Let's say it is more than unusual, and verging on weird creepy. ...are you concerned your son might 'indulge'. Would it be harmful if he did?

It is far far more likely to be an innocent interest in a topic that he has no direct experience with (Home and Away used to be great inspiration for my pondering and if I'd had access I definitely would've been googling!) than a fetish or dysmorphia which are very very unusual.