Son’s internet history is really weird. No idea what to do.

[Flippersfriend]

A few months back, when he first got his own iPad, I discovered my 11yo son had been looking up videos of something really really strange.

Firstly I apologise for not writing what it is here. I’m worried this post will come up when he searches for this topic again.

It’s nothing remotely illegal or adult or sexual or dangerous, just really really odd and definitely indicative of something very odd on his mind. Nothing to do with sexuality or gender either.

I’ve raised it with him before and asked (very calmly and non judgementally) why he looked that up so often and would he like to talk about it more. I said he wasn’t in any trouble at all but it was an unusual thing to be looking up. He was embarrassed and said no reason at all and refused to talk about it any further.

It stopped for a while but I’ve found a load more searches from the last few days.

As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad. If he’d only looked it up once or twice it wouldn’t be a concern at all, but he’s looking it up over and over again.

While I realise it’s hard to give advice when I’m not giving specifics, my question is more around how I talk to him about it again.

If he were a friend I’d want to say “dude this is really bloody weird. Why the F are you looking this up so much?” But I can’t say that to my child!

I’m a single parent so I can’t ask his dad to talk to him (it’s not a man related thing anyway).

Is he active on twitter or reddit?

Sometimes I've got involved in debates on there that have degenerated into weird tangents.

I spent too much time on twitter the other day and my Google searches were chaotic, it went from stats about covid, to conspiracy theories about flat earth, age of consent in different European countries to researching the psychology of narcissists and cults in America.

Non of it is slightly indicative of my beliefs or opinions, just I'm curious and fall down rabbit holes

@TempName247 I personally think it’s the act of becoming blind, whether it’s taking your eyes out or damaging your eyes beyond repair. I have actually seen a case of someone wanting to blind themselves and lose their vision, due to extreme mental illness. I hope this isn’t what it is, what a terrible thing to have to deal with someone you love obsessing over. So sorry you’re dealing with this or something like it OP x

Hi OP, YANBU, I understand why you are concerned and thank you for proxy example, as that does help when it comes to advising.

There could be various reasons, at the more benign end, curiosity because of something he saw, but the repetitive viewing over time suggests something perhaps more worrying. Are there any other ways he is behaving differently or is this the only worry?

This is something I would speak to the GP about (if you have a decent one) who could advise and sign post you or provide some reassurance.

I agree with @Malapataraso , see a child psychiatrist. You’re going to get very varied answers on here and none of them are going to be as helpful as the advice you’d get from a professional. x

Yes this is what I thought it probably was

I read an article once about the same thing, a woman who wanted so badly to become legally blind I believe she set about to become so deliberately, and before that would blindfold herself, basically live as if she was blind.

I believe the term is trans ableism

OP does he see this is an issue himself or consider the obsessiveness of his searches to be normal?

I know you mentioned previously he was upset when something was raised with him. Would telling him what he’s doing is obsessive help at all or simply make it worse?

It really depends on what it is. We can’t judge if it really is fine and normal, though I appreciate you don’t want to say.

I’ve had a fascination with death since childhood. I read about it a lot. I learned taxidermy and other preservation methods. I’m interested in osteology.

Weird doesn’t have to be bad.

The sexual fetish aspect someone alluded to raises more red flags if this is where it’s heading. Fetishes tend to develop in childhood and they could become dangerous depending on what the fetish is relating to. If you’re worried I would consider seeking a consultation, yourself, with a psychiatrist. And asking them.

Yes the Reader’s Digest ! I think they did a feature on Spontaneous Human Combustion. I was terrified of it and read all I could.

If you think it's 'niche anxiety' why not open up more general non-specific conversations about emotions, fears, delights and gratitudes?
There are plenty of card decks out there that could facilitate these.

I get like that tbh. I cab get fixated one one subject and I'll search and read all I can about a specific subject, weird or not, until I've satisfied myself that I have a good grasp of the subject. I wouldnt worry if it's nothing 'bad'

Me too. I have all sorts of knowledge about all sorts of random things. Sometimes it's just a rabbit hole, but OP's son sounds like he's a lot more involved than random searching.

Hi @Flippersfriend If you suspect that your DS has developed an unhealthy obsession or “fetish”, perhaps you should take screenshots of what he is researching and take him to the GP for a referral to a counsellor. It might help him to process his feelings on that subject and understand that it’s unhealthy, etc.

Could he be worried the subject going to happen to him like other have said an anxiety. My daughter got meningitis a few years ago she nearly died after it I was reading really horrible stories on line where kids had died I don’t really no y I was doing it tbh

I'm sort of quite glad the internet wasn't around then!

For the OP though I can see lots of quite normal people can go down rabbit holes on the internet....

If you think it’s weird is it a fetish sort of thing ? Cross dressing; men wearing women’s shoes? Neither are what I’d consider sexual or weird but unless you say what it is l can’t really say much more

The OP literally specifies in her first post that it's not sexual and yet we have pages and pages of IS IT A FETISH.

Honestly the only important thing is whether his response when OP talked to him about it is indicative that the subject is making him anxious, or whether he was just reticent because he knows it's a "weird" subject to look up and feels embarrassed.

Could you talk to him gently to remind him that you asked him about this previously, he clearly didn't want to talk about it and you noticed that he seemed embarrassed. Then go on to say that you understand why he might not want to discuss it with you face to face but you love him, are concerned and for him to know that you want to support him, not judge him. Don't make too much of a big deal about it but also say as you understand he doesn't want to talk face to face about it, could he write about what he is looking at and why and if it causes him any anxiety. And reassure him that there will be no judgement. If he does that, maybe you can then ask him whether he would be willing to talk to you about it or maybe just keep a journal that he allows you to read so that you can make sure that he is ok. Emphasise that you're not angry or judging him and always there to talk to you about it.
I think that's all you can do; youngsters at this age can be a crazy mess of insecurities, curiosity and hormones. But completely get that you want to protect him and support him.

My now adult middle daughter has always since a tween has had an obsession with serial killers,the occult, dark things, she is really into the Wiccan & pagan things also if people were to see her room don’t forget the Ouija board & book selection (even though she has pinched some of my books which are Victorian love stories lol) they would be creeped out with her but she is like me an extremely normal person with a dark sarcastic sense of humour,many people at a young age are inquisitive & can get immersed in a subject not realising how much they are searching it, if it’s nothing that you feel is changing his personality or that then just quietly monitor him & keep a little eye on his browser if you feel it’s taking over & he is exhibiting changes to his behaviour then you need to block the main sites he is accessing & seek help but I’m sure it’s just curiosity from him

Maybe because the OP said it definitely isn't a fetish then compared it to an obsession with amputees, which is a surprisingly common fetish. Something that might appear completely non-sexual to the OP may very well be sexual for someone who has a fetish for it.

I'm not saying her son DOES have a fetish. Just that it isn't unreasonable not to take the OP's word for it.

I was going to suggest that it very much could be OCD too.

OP there's a book called 'What to do when your brain gets stuck' and another called 'What to do when you worry too much' by Dawn Heubner.

I highly recommend them for helping you and your child understand intrusive OCD thoughts.

There's also a group on FB - UK parenting children with OCD which is brilliant for support.

I said it wasn’t sexual (what he’s looking up!). That doesn’t mean it’s not a fetish though? People are into all sorts of stuff.

I did have a further chat with him and he was embarrassed again (although I approached it very lightheartedly) but I think maybe he just found it interesting. I’m keeping an eye on it for now.

Yes absolutely, I might be uneducated in this field but I thought kind of the whole point of a "fetish" is that it's sexual interest in normally non sexual stuff.

I really hope it goes okay OP, for what it's worth when I was around your son's age I became OBSESSED with vampires and this weird website about real vampires and all sorts. My mum was really worried and I did get quite fixated on it but it wasn't a lasting thing and no weird vampire related interests as an adult (though I do still enjoy horror books and films!)

It could honestly be all sorts of things. Yeah, there could be a fetish element to it (and that might not necessarily be harmful - obviously hard to say without knowing what it is, but to use your example, having a bit of a thing for amputees is not actually a problem in itself provided he doesn't actually want to become one and provided it isn't his sole sexual interest).

He could also have some kind of anxiety around the subject, like a 'What if this happened to me?' kind of thing, and might be looking stuff up to reassure himself almost or make himself feel safer somehow.

Or maybe he really did just hear something about the subject and found it weird or fascinating and couldn't get it out of his head.

Again, hard to say without knowing exactly what it is, but if it is something disability-related like your example of losing a limb, I think it's actually not hugely uncommon for a kid to go through a stage of being fascinated by things like that or a bit obsessed with wondering what having that disability might be like. When I was a year or two younger than your son I had to use crutches for almost a year (due to a serious injury and associated complications) and one of my memories of that time is a couple of other kids being borderline obsessed with asking me questions about it, wanting to try out my crutches constantly, even openly saying that they wished they could have some. I actually still know one of them and she is a very normal and happy adult, so I assume she grew out of it!

I wouldn’t raise it again, all you’ll do is make him sneaky and he’ll start deleting his search history. Better that you can keep an eye on his searches encase he does move onto things more worrying or illegal….
for example if it’s currently just ‘what’s it like to be a …….’ I wouldn’t worry too much, maybe he’s seen someone with a condition and is empathising ….. but if he starts searching ‘how would I cut my leg off’ I’d be more worried…. Or if he was looking at surgical equipment, I’d worry!
If what he’s searching is sadistic then I might be tempted to do some searches myself and see if anyone has moved on from his searches to something more dangerous….
There’s a movement on line now with all the LGBTQ type stuff where people identify as a disabled person and want to cut of f their hand because they don’t believe it’s theirs… or they believe they should’ve been a blind person so they pour something in their eyes to blind themselves!!…. My daughter comes home from school telling me all kinds of weirdness that they’ve discussed at school!… are you friendly enough with any of his friends mums that you could discreetly ask them if their son ever mentions this weird thing being discussed at school? Kids seem to suffer so much with mental health issues these days, my daughter has a kid in her year that identifies as a cat!…. Kids nowadays are exposed to all kinds of weirdness because of the internet and weird things discussed in school that we wouldn’t have even thought about at that age.
kids also have weird curiosities… my daughter went through a stage of google Michael Jackson conspiracy’s and swore blind there were videos of him and that his death was faked because he wasn’t actually in his coffin when it was buried… etc
i went through a stage of being obsessed with watching disasters…. So would watch documentaries about 9/11, the Boxing Day tsunami, stuff like that… I can’t explain why, it made me feel sad for the victims and their families but just sparked my interest.
I remember years ago the book series ‘a boy called it, and man called Dave etc’ about a little boy who was abused by his mother… I remember reading those books and actually sobbing reading them… they were depressing but also I couldn’t put them down as wanted to know what happened to him and whether he got a happy ending away from it all…. Sometimes we are just fascinated by dark things and that doesn’t mean we actually want to partake in those things…. However if you suddenly read on Facebook (using your example) that there are pet cats being found dead with a leg butchered off, I’d be assuming it’s your son taking his fascination to the next level!….
So if you think it’s just a bit weird but can’t develop into self harm or harming others I wouldn’t worry too much, if it’s something that could potentially end in him committing offence I’d keep a very close eye for his internet searches moving into more worrying territory!