Son’s internet history is really weird. No idea what to do.

[Flippersfriend]

A few months back, when he first got his own iPad, I discovered my 11yo son had been looking up videos of something really really strange.

Firstly I apologise for not writing what it is here. I’m worried this post will come up when he searches for this topic again.

It’s nothing remotely illegal or adult or sexual or dangerous, just really really odd and definitely indicative of something very odd on his mind. Nothing to do with sexuality or gender either.

I’ve raised it with him before and asked (very calmly and non judgementally) why he looked that up so often and would he like to talk about it more. I said he wasn’t in any trouble at all but it was an unusual thing to be looking up. He was embarrassed and said no reason at all and refused to talk about it any further.

It stopped for a while but I’ve found a load more searches from the last few days.

As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad. If he’d only looked it up once or twice it wouldn’t be a concern at all, but he’s looking it up over and over again.

While I realise it’s hard to give advice when I’m not giving specifics, my question is more around how I talk to him about it again.

If he were a friend I’d want to say “dude this is really bloody weird. Why the F are you looking this up so much?” But I can’t say that to my child!

I’m a single parent so I can’t ask his dad to talk to him (it’s not a man related thing anyway).

An 11 year old doesn't NEED to have privacy when searching online. Just ask him about it again. Embarrassing your child isn't a crime.

He knows that he doesn’t have privacy and I have full access.

I’m just not sure what questions to ask him to get to the bottom of it.

Thinking about to things that occupied my mind at 9/10/11 I would have absolutely been googling a lot if it had existed! I was however, looking back an extremely anxious child and would obsess and worry over things a lot. Going blind, suddenly dying overnight, asteroids hitting.

That was around the age when I became obsessed with disasters. No internet back then but I’d devour tv news and newspapers to find out everything I could about plane crashes, ships sinking, fires etc.
I grew out of it.

No they don't need it. But you'd be naive thinking this is the only place they can search stuff. So embarassing them might make them better at hiding searches, and the next thing they search might just be something to worry about.

Are you concerned he might harm himself? It sounds like it could be intrusive thoughts of some sort. I'd consider discussing with your GP if possible, to see if they think it's concerning.

I think this is overboard at this stage.

If it becomes an obsession then you deal with it. But loads of kids have strange interests when young.

Is he searching for the sort of thing that would keep him awake at night, eg house fires?
Has he watched anything on tv recently that may link to it?

My oldest DD (now 11) had a similar obsession a couple of years ago about people in wheelchairs. If there was a story about that, or anything in the news, or a film with a disabled character or whatever, she’d be all over it. She looked up all sorts of similar stuff on YouTube kids about it too. She asked for wheelchair-themed toys for her birthday etc.

it was a bit bloody weird.

We were quite open about it with her, as we were curious about why she was so interested. I don’t know if she told us the whole truth, but I think it boiled down to disabled people being viewed as ‘special’ at school and wheelchairs seeming quite good fun! We tried to help her understand about differences and why people might be born / become disabled, and that actually there are significant downsides (not having to walk up that hill sounds alright, but not being ever able to is bad!). We didn’t want her to feel embarrassed or ashamed about her odd obsession. And now she’s over it completely, hopefully understanding more about disability issues!
Perhaps your child is going through a similar slightly unusual but not worryingly abnormal obsession.

Perhaps just reminding him often that he can talk about whatever is on his mind. Make sure he knows that you will always make time to listen if he wants to talk.

He is 11. Just remind him you can see what he is looking up. Say is xyz bothering you as I see you have looked it up a lot. Don’t embarrass him it can be done in a casual way.

Oh my god, me too. If home computers had been a thing way back when I was that age I’d would have been searching spontaneous combustion and the Yorkshire Ripper all the time. Or lightning balls. I was sure one would come down the chimney any time there was a storm.

Is it possible that he knows someone, or of someone, who has/is the thing he is obsessed with op? Maybe he wants a better understanding of what it’s like to be a certain thing that someone he knows is. Sorry, it’s a little difficult to be more helpful when it’s so general.

What is the point of this thread if you dont say what it is?

Mumsnet is anonymous..

Does he use a lot of social media like Tiktok or Youtube? Some of those apps send people down rabbit holes which are bizarre but fundamentally harmless. They might have watched a video that triggered the idea to google something. Topics that are borderline weird, creepy or dangerous but not directly illegal are also most popular. Just off the top of my head, these are all themes that are extremely common online but weird if seen in isolation: forensics, nuclear disasters, radiation damage, mutations, exploring abandoned places, trespassing, train surfing, living in the wild, bushcraft, making houses using random materials, true crime stories, torture, weirdest ways people have died, dark web, hacking, North Korea, ex-Soviet countries, Afghanistan, obscure far-flung cities, "Icebergs" which are fan theories about common popular media (movies, franchises, video games) that get increasingly more unhinged.

The other thing to bear in mind is once you watch one thing on YouTube for example, out of random curiosity or a random suggestion, it will keep suggesting videos on a similar topic and it can be quite hard to stop watching them, even if you'd rather not, as the titles are often quite intriguing.

Sorry OP I had started typing, got distracted and when I hit post the discussion had moved on and you had indeed provided a similar example.

Yeah me too, still am to be fair

Honestly nobody can give you any meaningful advice if you're not willing to give specifics. Why don't you name change and start a new thread?
The anxiety side of things is one example if he's constantly searching for something medical, but not if it's an obsession about taxidermy. I've been obsessed with crocodiles since I was a child, even now I spend time googling recent crocodile attacks. No idea why, just do. We all have harmless, slightly odd interests at some stage.

It seems to me like you’re really interested
in “….” and because you’re searching it all the time i’m guessing you haven’t found the answers to whatever questions you have. What exactly is it you’re trying to find out or understand?

Could you go down the route of talking to him about how information on the internet isn't always accurate and if he's interested in X then you'd be happy to help him find out more from more reliable sources, might be a way in?

Maybe you could broach it by saying "I've noticed you are looking at xyz a lot recently, are you worried about something?" Or " I've noticed you are searching for xyz, I'm really curious, can you tell me more about it"
So do ask him as you are worried, but in as non-confrontational or judgemental a style as possible, without inducing shame.

How similar is your example? Is it possible that he knows someone irl with whatever it is and wants to understand how to talk to them and be friends. Based on your example: he knows a kid missing a limb and is wondering about it.

If your worried about it coming up in a search can you draw a picture?

Can you say I see you've made a lot of searches over the last few months about X . It appears to be a subject that you are very interested in. Do you have any worries or concerns about X ? I'm hear if you ever want to talk about it. Depending on what the subject is you could ask an open ended question about it. I think honesty and openness is the best approach. Even if he doesn't take you up on the invitation to discuss. You could even say that people often have niche interests and that you're ok with it as long as he's ok.

Why are specifically worried about him looking this subject up?

I'm going to assume that's why OP gave that example.

I think I'd be casual but with more direct and closed questions to get to the bottom of it.