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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2023 23:18

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

"However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)"

Your husband is fucking you over and deliberately to boot!

A very firm 'Not until you've settled the kids' and backed up with not giving a flying fuck if you wake the selfish arse getting yourself to bed. As suggested already by @AtrociousCircumstance, if he wakes "politely suggest he makes his way to the sofa himself."

Words would be had in this household for his shitty behaviour.

Your comment "preferably my own home but I just cannot afford it" suggests there is more than this one dispute going on, is that the case?

HeartbrokenAunt · 05/09/2023 08:30

I would be concerned, OP. Seems like something is going on that he may not even be aware of. My DH was like this for a while before being persuaded to see our GP. He fell asleep after dinner and didn’t have any interest in family activities. He was diagnosed with high BP and type 2 diabetes. There may not be a physical reason but such a dramatic change in his routine and need for that much sleep should be investigated.

RampantIvy · 05/09/2023 09:52

I agree with @HeartbrokenAunt.

MuseMum7 · 05/09/2023 10:01

If you have to get the kids to bed, surely they could go to bed earlier? When my kids were young I had a 7pm bedtime rule, they didn't have to go to sleep, but they did have to go to bed at that time to give us time to ourselves, they could play, read. Of course if they had activities that ran late, they would go to bed later.

So surely your DH could take turns getting kids to bed, even before 8.30? If he is disturbed by you going to bed maybe he could get an eye mask/ear plugs? Just do your usual routine, no need to tip toe around, it's your home too, you have to be OK with each others needs.

RampantIvy · 05/09/2023 10:12

Laughing Holloway at your post @MuseMum7.
When DD was little she simply was not tired at 7pm - ever.
Even at pre-school and infant school I was lucky if she was asleep by 8.30. And I had no problem getting her up in the morning.

Lilybo7 · 05/09/2023 10:49

We have separate bedrooms. He is a total mess and snores, and I need calm and sleep . Works great for us 😃

MeridaBrave · 05/09/2023 10:51

If he has to get up super early and this it’s reasonable for him to avoid helping with kids at bedtime I’d just remove my toothbrush and PJs, get ready in bathroom and then slip into bed quietly.

If he has no real reason to go to bed that early, I’d explain that it’s selfish to not help with kids bedtime, and slightly less need to get into bed silently.

I would never ever agree to sleep in another room unless maybe he had covid etc. and want to keep him isolated.

beanii · 05/09/2023 10:54

Just read using a Kindle 🤷‍♀️

Maybe if you're sleeping in separate beds it's time to REALLY look at your relationship.

Taking turns and separate bedtimes aren't normal - you work together as a partnership.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 05/09/2023 10:59

Why on earth is he going to bed at this time? Is he ill? Perhaps he needs to see a Dr, maybe low iron levels or something that is causing him to be very tired. If it's just because he wants to get out of kids bedtimes etc I would absolutely be continuing my bedtime routine, with lights and without sneaking around! Tell him to get a sleep mask and some ear plugs!

Kattitude · 05/09/2023 11:03

I go to bed at least a couple of hours after DH and I have to read too, I use a backlit kindle, doesn’t interfere with his sleep and I keep my routine.

Padz · 05/09/2023 11:15

DH and I work shifts so often one of us is in bed before the other but we just put our own bedside light on and do what we need to. He watches a movie with headphones and I read.

concertgoer · 05/09/2023 11:17

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

Do it then !
If he’s really tired he’ll sleep through it.
if he wakes he realise he’s being unreasonable. He’s told you to join him in bed. So that’s what you’re doing.

if he’s disturbed by you doing it, he can wait up for you or go to the sofa bed.

personally I’d send the children in to wake him and say goodnight too. Unless he’s unwell or at work at 4/5am he could be putting the children to bed.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 05/09/2023 11:24

beanii · 05/09/2023 10:54

Just read using a Kindle 🤷‍♀️

Maybe if you're sleeping in separate beds it's time to REALLY look at your relationship.

Taking turns and separate bedtimes aren't normal - you work together as a partnership.

How are separate bedtimes not normal? People have different sleep needs. I go to sleep at 10 or 11pm; DP doesn’t come to bed til 1am. I’d be dead if I had to wait up for him to do some weird joint bedtime ritual as part of a skewed idea of a partnership. Do we have to brush our teeth and have our bedtime wee together too?

ohdamnitjanet · 05/09/2023 11:40

Sod him, the selfish lazy fucker. There’s going to bed at 8.30 to watch a bit of tv after the kids are sorted and there’s abdicating out of family life. Go to bed at 10, turn on the overhead light, walk around the bedroom very very noisily brushing your teeth then take a flying leap into bed.

Doteycat · 05/09/2023 11:45

Id be doing whatever I need to do, if he goes to bed early to dodge the bedtime routine, then tough shit mister, it is what it is.
Under no circumstances would I be skipping my reading or buying a booklight or tip toeing around to get my bedclothes.
But then Id have long had the conversation as to why he was being such a selfish husband and father dodging his share of the work.

Robyn847 · 05/09/2023 11:46

Buy yourself a headtorch and crack on.

Doteycat · 05/09/2023 11:47

beanii · 05/09/2023 10:54

Just read using a Kindle 🤷‍♀️

Maybe if you're sleeping in separate beds it's time to REALLY look at your relationship.

Taking turns and separate bedtimes aren't normal - you work together as a partnership.

Taking turns and separate bedtimes is perfectly normal.
Think its not, is not normal. What a bizarre thing to say.

LostThestral · 05/09/2023 11:56

why can't you just read downstairs & go up when sleepy?

IamnotSethRogan · 05/09/2023 12:04

I'd say he is unreasonable for opting out of bedtimes but not unreasonable for getting into his bed when he's tired. I feel like you've sort of prohibited yourself from getting into bed. What you list as wanting to do is fairly easy to do considerately. I go to bed earlier than my husband and am not a great sleeper but my husband brushes his teeth in the ensuite and "finds his pillow" without causing much disturbance

MumLass · 05/09/2023 12:05

LostThestral · 05/09/2023 11:56

why can't you just read downstairs & go up when sleepy?

This would massively annoy me. Just as you're getting sleep you have to get up, put lights out, get into a cold side of the bed. I'd be wide awake again when I got to bed.

silverbubbles · 05/09/2023 12:08

I am in the same position as you but I now sleep in the small spare room. Whilst he has the main bedroom. One option could be to get single beds in the main bedroom, then at least you have a decent mattress to sleep on....

MumLass · 05/09/2023 12:09

OP, unless there is a back story here (shift work, illness) then he's being massively unfair.

My exH was an arse about many things. Sleep was just one of them. It got so bad that I would lie in bed scared to go to the loo incase I woke him up. This was as a result of the entire family believing that his sleep was much more precious than anyone else's. If he was disturbed by a reason HE thought wasn't justifiable then I'd be subjected to a few days of sulking and silent treatment. These reasons could include making too much noise looking for my earplugs (to drown out his snoring). The house being too warm (because clearly he was incapable of actually saying anything about it or adjusting the heating himself - was meant to be a mindreader), the smoke alarm malfunctioning (that was my fault too, although to this day I don't know how he came to that conclusion).

I moved to my own bedroom and although it helped with sleeping it didn't help our relationship. It didn't end it though, that's a whole other story.

Titchyfeep · 05/09/2023 12:18

Surely turn on a bedside lamp and go about your business then get in bed next to him. This is what I do. My husband often goes to bed before me as he gets up earlier for work and I stay up late as I don’t sleep well.

WaltzingWaters · 05/09/2023 12:21

Get a kindle with a light. Or a light to attach to your book and sleep in your own bed. So what if he’s in bed already. Be as quiet as you can but do what you need to do, if he’s going to bed stupidly early that’s his problem.
But the main issue here is him not parenting. Unless he’s up at a crazy hour for his job (in which him going to bed early is of course acceptable) don’t let him get out of parenting!

ScattyGinger · 05/09/2023 12:53

Can't you just move any toothbrushes and night creams or bedtime routine bits you need to a different bathroom? My husband is asleep early as he's up early and works a tough job. I just take my make up off when sat on the sofa watching telly, I've got a load of night creams and moisturisers in the downstairs bathroom and then I just go crashing in with a book to read on my phone when I want to go to bed. No drama at all.