To want to sleep in my bedroom?

[Gorgeouscombes]

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

But why? Apart from the fact that hes a man?

Why deliberately wake a sleeping person, when you could easily be considerate enough to not wake them, without any big inconvenience to you?

Literally the only thing reasonable about OPs post is if he's not doing his fair share of bedtimes - but as I said - any child needing a bedtime routine needs to be in bed before 8.30 anyway. If you have an older child (over toddler age) who gets up after bedtime, then I guess you both need to work at sorting out their sleeping, as that's unacceptable - but you don't mention that is something that you are working on (in which case I do think he should pull his weight on your joint plan to fix that - but that's a very short term issue - not ongoing).

It's OK for some people to need more sleep than others. If he'd rather sleep through his evenings than have leisure time - that's fine - it's his choice!

but he’s off to bed at 8pm. I couldn’t see if he’s a shift worker or similar which gives him some reason obvs. If he’s just choosing an early bedtime why should OP suffer? I don’t care if it’s man or woman. I go to bed at 10pm. My husband watches crap TV in bed and surfs the damn web until gone 11.30pm so I go to the spare room. I can’t sleep like that but I also am kind and let him have the nice room so I can see both sides of this situation.

I have a Kindle they're great. Can read with the light off and they have a blue light filter setting My kids need complete darkness to sleep. So book's aren't an option.

If that is his response, fuck him. Carry on your routine from 10.

Head torch

But I don't see how OP is "suffering", (except for bedtimes/v young children, which I covered earlier).

Most people don't see it as "suffering" to be considerate and make simple changes that don't inconvenience them like "brush your teeth in a different bathroom", in order not to wake someone else up.

Honestly, the marriage is dead if she gives so little shits that she thinks that she'd rather wake him up, than brush her teeth in a different sink.

Just switch the light on and go about your bedtime routine. Don't sleep on the sofa anymore.

I don't think she should sleep on the sofa, but putting the light on in a room that someone is sleeping in is selfish, arsehole behaviour.

Please don't do that OP, when it would be so easy for you to show basic consideration.

Lots of good suggestions here OP.
My DH works long, odd shifts in a job that requires high level precision and skill. He is regularly up anywhere between 03.00 to 07:30 for this. We also have a medically complex child whose last medications are at midnight so I'm never in bed before 12:30am; we manage with a small lamp on the opposite side of the room to the bed with a pretty, bulb like this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/TIANFAN-Firework-220-240V-Specialty-Decorative/dp/B09YD79YGY/ref=sr_1_18?crid=21K7S3TB8B0PL&keywords=led%2Brainbow%2Bbulb&qid=1693855782&sprefix=LED%2Brainbow%2Caps%2C118&sr=8-18&th=1

It doesn't disturb him and when I come to bed I just switch it off after getting ready and then read on my phone or kindle in night function mode. I think if your DH can't manage similarly then it should be him on the sofa bed!

Not necessarily, not everyone wakes up the moment someone switches a light on. What's wrong with a bedside light? OP shouldn't have to creep around in the dark after being saddled with putting the children to bed while her husband is showing very little consideration for her.

Get a book light? My husband is usually asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow whereas I like to read for ages to switch off. I use a kindle or book light.

I think we need more info really. Like pp said, what time is he up?

How does he cope in the summer when it's still light? I'm up at 530 every morning and usually manage to stay up until about 1030 or 11. If dh goes earlier, I use a kindle or reading clip on light.

I don't know who started this 'sleeping in the same bed' thing but they need to take a short walk
I think sleeping in your own bed is a must

My husband needs to go to sleep fairly early and I have to read for about an hour. It was causing problems, which he has solved by buying a sleep mask.
You absolutely have a right to sleep in your own bed.

What time does he need to get up in the mornings?

Does he put the children to bed on his days before heading off to bed? My understanding is that he does, but then heads to bed, and you are settling children who wake up after, whereas he's choosing to ignore them or sleeps through them.

If your children still wake up after going to bed, unless they are babies - this does need to be addressed by BOTH of you. But the aim should be to get them to stay in their own beds after lights off, not to keep going in to settle them. How are you (both) addressing this? I wouldn't expect children above toddler age to be getting out of bed regularly, and a simple "back to bed" should suffice (unless sickness etc, when you wake him up to help if needed).

Getting your teeth brushed, your PJs on in a different room, and not turning the light on in a room someone is sleeping is basic decency.

He needs to do bedtime on his nights, wake him up and tell him it’s his turn. Every time.

For your bedtime, keep your pyjamas in the bathroom and brush your teeth and get changed there.

Read in bed on an iPad or Kindle Paperweight or watch YouTube with headphones/buds

I would do exactly all this. You aren't being unreasonable but he is leaving you to sort the kids and creep around him

Your need to sleep doesn't trump him.

HOWEVER, he should not be opting out of his fair share of children duty in the evenings. That needs to be addressed and called out.

Bedside light, he can turn yours on when he goes to bed if he thinks it will disturb him less, but for goodness sake don't be tiptoeing around for somebody healthy who is going to bed at 8.30pm. And TELL him "Oi, why are you going to bed so early tonight, its your turn to put the kids to bed!"

YANBU. I’ve found that sleeping apart for such reasons is often a bad sign, as was my ex suddenly going to sleep at 8:30. It’s worth digging into with your husband because you clearly are not happy about being stuck with the children and then a solitary evening existence and no one wants to wind up resentful.

^^ absolutely this. Your DH is a selfish twat. Do your regime regardless.

OP, I can't see a problem. So what if DH is in bed with the light off? DH and I both have a bedside light which we turn off when we go to sleep. He often goes to sleep before me but I continue to read until I am ready to sleep.

Is your OH a shift worker? Going to bed at 8:30 is very early. As a one off if someone was especially tired I might tolerate it, but regularly....no way. Opting out of family life nd leaving bedtimes to you isn't on.
I would say if he really is that tired, the compromise is that you do your own thing when you 'settle' at a normal time. I can't speak for your OH but I would probably be disturbed by a back light/kindle or any type of light really, however if he's honestly that tired he'll likely sleep through. Has he complained when you disturb him? Tbh though if he is that tired, all the time, I'd think he was unwell. Diabetes? Is he overweight? Aches, pains, blood, cough etc..anything else other than tired?

You have a selfish husband problem.