To dislike my own child?

[Toohottonight]

Horrible, horrible thing to say and the issue lies with me not him.

But … so much of his behaviour really triggers me and brings out the worst in me.

Tell him not to do something and he finds it hilarious, absolutely roars with laughter and does it again and again and again …

Obsessed with taking his clothes off and running around naked (he is 2) I really don’t like it. It’s unhygienic and I just find it uncomfortable generally.

It’s impossible to talk with him, I’m never sure how much he understands as I get nothing back. Maybe a bit ambitious but I kind of thought we’d have a basic conversation at this age. But he just repeats things endlessly, like he’ll demand a biscuit. I’ll say nicely well I don’t have a biscuit but you can have one at home. He just endlessly repeats biscuit, biscuit, it gets so tiring.

A lot of his behaviour is just so irritating and stupid, things like leaning against me and not taking his weight when getting dressed, biting down on the toothbrush when teeth cleaning so I can’t do it.

I know it’s me not him but I’m constantly having to swallow down this massive annoyance and anger.

I think everything might improve if his communication was better and unlike others, I do think his speech sounds on the lower side for nearly 3. I’ve been in the same position with my DC. This is a critical time for language development.

How many days/hours does he do in nursery? Are the educators native English speakers? Are they focussing on high quality verbal interactions with the children? Is there any change you could make there?

Have you had his ears checked at the GP?

I also did some focussed language interventions with my DC - so many of our interactions can be instructions and i personally find it unnatural to talk to someone who is not responding back. So I had to be really intentional about it - I called it a walk and talk - where for 20 minutes or so I would really focus on just talking incessantly about everything we were seeing and doing. Did it daily and I noticed a difference very quickly.

The other thing I did was borrow 5 or 10 books from the library on the same topic - family say, or the weather, or the body and talked as much as possible about that topic and the pictures for a week or so.

I hope you get a decent night’s sleep and tomorrow is a better day for you. Toddler years are tough going sometimes.
I know you are not looking for advice but with the best of intentions, can I suggest choice of two and first / then as good strategies at that age. Also if you keep a pot of bubbles in your bag and produce them at the end of a trip, they have a pied piper effect. Distract them the hell outta there.
Don’t beat yourself up about the bad days.

Oh my god he's 2. You're expecting way too much from him.

Two year old behaviour is very frustrating, they are finding their independence but are still entirely dependant on your attention (good or bad).

You won't be able to have a proper meaningful conversation until they are nearly three and beyond. Two year olds aren't able to comprehend in the way older children, even a year older, are able to do.

Don't make small things a battle. Accept it will be frustrating a lot of the time. Concentrate on giving as much positive attention, get them to help with small tasks to give them a purpose (sweeping the floor, folding clothes - obviously these won't be done properly and they will sweep/fold everything)

Also messy play such as shaving foam and water can keep them occupied while you are busy. Bubbles are a distraction from behaviour you might not want them to do without having to tell them 'no'. Things like that.

When your little one reaches three they will be so much different to how they are now. It is a brief phase so just count down the days until their birthday!

And it's OK to have these feelings, OP, it really is. Would you consider private counselling for yourself? As you say you may still have PND? You sound understandably stressed and having an hour a week for yourself when you can talk about stuff and offload can be really helpful. I find it so anyhow.

OP you are braver than me. I had very similar feelings to yours towards my toddler son but I never told a soul - reason being I KNEW I'd be judged viciously, as you have been in this thread. It's fucking outrageous that a mother cannot share extremely painful feelings, at the end of another exhausting day, without being either vilified or given endless patronising suggestions to do stuff she's already doing.

I remember feeling like two people - externally the one who was doing all the right stuff, trying constantly to meet my child's needs, and internally the one who was scared and confused at so many daily failures. I often just wanted to run away but knew I never would/could. As I said, I didn't tell anyone what it was really like and, looking back, I think I became very depressed.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to give you except to say I think I understand. Carrying on being a good enough mother when you feel like this is heroic and I think everyone who's judging should fuck right off - they have no idea.

OP I won't give you advice about your toddler, or say he's only 2 and your expectations are too high. I'll say go to a GP or therapist and talk to them about your feelings, your visceral reactions, your concern about your own feelings. I'd say the PND has not gone anywhere and needs treating more intensively. Take care of yourself.

The brain of a toddler is going through a huge growth period. Growing, building, making connections. Your toddler doesn't care about your adult concerns or society or manners or toothbrushes or clean clothes. It's not personal. A toddler is the centre of its own world. They haven't fully developed the capacity to reason or empathise yet. It feels interesting to bite a toothbrush- he doesn't do it to annoy you- he does it is please or interest himself.

That's totally normal. Every single parent will tell you on her that toddlers are little idiots. Not because they hate us- but because their brains simply don't have the capacity to operate in the same was as ours- hence screaming tantrums, tears, poo- whatever they like.

My daughter simply refused to wear shoes when she was 3- of any kind. Not because she hated me but because she just didn't want to and she didn't see why she should.

Once you fully understand that it isn't personal, it makes it easier. He doesn't want to wear clothes and he doesn't give 2 hoots whether you like it or not because it almost certainly won't enter his head. Again, that is normal. As you have previously mentioned his behaviour 'triggers' you- it's probably a good idea to think about why this is.

Do you mean he annoys you? (Normal- again, they are idiots) or does it tap into some deeper, more unpleasant feelings? If this is the case, perhaps you should have a think about why this is. I would associate the word 'trigger' with some sort of trauma. Why do you find his nudity 'uncomfortable?' At 2 he will have no inhibitions or understanding of whether nudity is right or wrong.

The lack of speech at 2.8 yrs, apart from 'echolia', and the defiant behaviour, doing the same naughty thing over and over, is a bit concerning and I'm not surprised you're frustrated. You probably don't want to hear it, but it's a flag for autism/d delay. I had this with my son - everyone going 'He's two!' 'He's a boy, they're all like that!' Well, no, they're not actually. If he went into an early years setting now, they would be picking up on it quite quickly, I'd imagine.

I think OP understands that and has come on here for moral support and genuine advice from experienced mothers who have been threw this stage! No point shaming her for being honest about her experience and looking for reassurance! Who are you? Mother of the year?’

OP, do you just want a vent?

Or is there something about yourself that needs exploring and managing? Depression, trauma or being ND could trigger these reactions and responses.

For a child nearing 3, he sounds like a harder than average toddler in several areas. I had one like this. I raised concerns with the HV at 2, and he was a bit below average in some forms of development, but no major worries. A year later when limited progress had been made, he ended up being referred to SALT... I had further concerns at 7 and he ended up with an ASD diagnosis at 9. That early paper trail helped prove that his difficulties were ongoing and not a phase.
If he grows out of these behaviours in a few months then all is probably fine. If this behaviour is persistant, then there may be an underlying cause that needs different approaches to usual.

You can vent away. You don't have to do anything. But that won't help if these are ongoing issues with you, or him or both. Professional opinions may be able to help.

I think you're depressed and need to see a doctor

I think some of what you describe your son doing is NOT normal and he may have some developmental issues. These might not be diagnosable this early on, but I'd still get him checked out if I were you

I think you should speak to your doctor about how you’re feeling. It’s not normal to have such an overreaction to some behaviours but I do understand what you mean. It’s like people feeling the rage because someone is chewing or slurping their food. Depression and anxiety can heighten these feelings. You mentioned PND, I don’t know if you were ever diagnosed or prescribed medication but antidepressants can really help “ turn everything down” and help you feel much more calmer and rational. 💐

My youngest was an absolute handful at 2, she was a runner so I couldn't even put her down next to the car while I opened the door cos she would just run full pelt. She wouldn't comply or listen to instructions, she threw tantrums all the time and to top it all off she didn't sleep.

She's now 3.5 and is like a completely different child, don't get my wrong she still tests me on the daily but I can usually reason with her now and it makes all the difference when they get that bit more understanding. But I could have written your post a year ago. Hang in there.

They do grow out of it and are much nicer by the time they're 22.

@Toohottonight Two is a difficult age. I hope you have a better day.

Re the possibility of lingering PND: I think it's worth getting this checked out. PND can last for ages. Did you get any treatment/help for this?

If you have a local PANDAS support group I can highly recommend this. Talking with other mothers who are finding the daily grind of parenting tiny people difficult is so helpful. My group was lovely and letting off steam in a safe, non-judgemental place is valuable.

My son still does all this at age 4, it’s very frustrating! He repeats things for what feels like hours and distraction is the thing that helps most.. he won’t do anything for himself and he makes it very difficult for me to do it I.e brushing his teeth and getting dressed. Might try the competitive thing ‘how fast can you get your trousers on’. when brushing his teeth I find counting down from ‘20 cavities’ helps

I think that you are right in that it is your reaction that is causing you the most issues.

You have reacted that way on this thread and ironically, its the same way your son reacts to you.

You wanted something, you didnt get it and then you have kept on about it and got cross and kept demanding people give you what you want. Its what he does.

You are angry that he isnt you and doesnt understand your reasoning and needs. That is exactly what he is doing. He is frustrated and angry. You are frustrated and angry at his reaction to his feelings.

Maybe you could spend a bit of time considering how you deal with your feelings and how you could deal with them better in order to help you help him to deal with his feelings.

Does he say things like 'don't like beans' or 'don't want to go to bed' or 'where daddy go' or 'cat over there' or whatever? No one expects a 2 yo to speak in long sentences but does he produce spontaneous little phrases or anything? Or if you ask him to point to things in picture books, does he understand and get it right?

I think you are comparing him to other two year olds and using that as a bar. Milestones are a guide, some maybe stronger in some more than others. My child is two, he can say no, no way and bear. That's it no mama, papa or anything like that. But he can hold a conversation, he looks at you and babbles and babbles. I am confident when he finally does start to speak he will come out with a speech!

As for the teeth thing, cleaning teeth, changing nappies, putting clothes on my kids is like wrestling a tiger 🐅. It's definitely a workout. My sons tantrums are now at a head banging point. I will hold my hand out or pick him up and put him on a soft sofa or surface if he starts. But it's normal 2 year old behaviour this is how he communicates frustration and I have to figure out what's up! It's like a crap game show!

And let him be naked, we are innocent and childlike for such a short period in our lives- who cares about the odd accident. Dr Oker does great carpet cleaner.

Rather than rile against it, go with the flow let him find his voice, read, play games, turn wrestling teeth cleaning into a game of tickles- the one good thing about two year olds is their moods flip in seconds and can be giggling their head off- it's exhausting but every tantrum can be flipped to giggles if you approach him with less angst.

My friend likes to say that looking after a toddler is like trying to get your drunk mate home from the pub. Hang in there, it's hard. And it feels like it lasts forever, but soon your kid will be talking and you can have conversations with him.

I know you don't want advice, but in my experience 'time out' is very effective. It puts them somewhere else for a start, it deprives them of the attention they're after, and even nonverbal kids get it pretty quickly.

I let my 2 and 8 month yo run about naked at home, but his grandparents don't think it's hygienic and I do sympathise with that too! I don't like my partner sitting on the couch pantless!

I don't think your expectations are wildly unreasonable if he's closer to three - for example the language thing. I thought most almost 3 year olds could hold basic conversations? Maybe get him checked if you are worried?

Toothbrushing... ours had the choice of "easy way or hard way" when he was being difficult about it. Hard way I pinned him down and brushed the teeth! It didn't hurt him of course, but he was none too keen and now does actually open his mouth "like a hippo".

I will say, if he is testing boundaries, he will come out of the phase quicker if you are consistent and do have expectations of him, whatever they are for your household.

To answer your question though - YANBU. Some days I want to leave home completely, with a trucker called Norma, like that women on Shameless. But then I'd miss them. You can't win!

This is normal behaviour for a two year old, you got to get a break and a grip mama! It’s called terrible 2s for a reason, but in hindsight it’s just prep for the harder years. This is the golden years you need to relax, and a bit of air on their skin is actually good for them! Also make sure he is recognising facial expressions and understanding the difference between expressions and tone. Sorry to be harsh but big girl pants time he is two and learning your am grown ass adult! Who needs a break and then reassess your own behaviour

Have you had your 2 year review? It might give you a better indicator of whether he is meeting his milestone etc.
I would expect at 2 being able to respond to instructions etc but sometimes obviously blatantly ignoring you.
It's positive that you acknowledge that you are having difficulties as I think most people just find the humour in some of those situations rather than feeling annoyed all the time.
The clothing thing might be a sensory thing. Also children are quite intuitive and he maybe responding to your vibes.

Your feelings are your feelings. They’re valid and you’re entitled to express them. Humans experience all kinds of complex emotions. It is hard to know what to do with them sometimes.

You asked if you’re unreasonable to dislike your son but you’ve actually made it clear that you like and love your son. It’s obvious you are a good parent but you’re struggling with your own feelings towards the various situations that parenthood throws at us all (like shit on the floor!). Some people aren’t grasping that. Being a parent is impossible because we don’t know how it’ll be. Even if you’ve been around children, it’s not the same as being a parent. Yes, you can understand basic development but it’s completely different to having responsibility for this small human especially when you have no idea what they want.

I imagine it hasn’t been very helpful to get your words out but I think AIBU can be like that. I’m not going to kick you while you’re down. I know
you don’t want unsolicited advice but respectfully, I think you’re being very hard on yourself. Parenting isn’t easy and some children are harder than others and some stages are harder than others. You are meeting your child’s needs but make sure you find time and space to meet your own needs.