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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my own child?

247 replies

Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 20:52

Horrible, horrible thing to say and the issue lies with me not him.

But … so much of his behaviour really triggers me and brings out the worst in me.

Tell him not to do something and he finds it hilarious, absolutely roars with laughter and does it again and again and again …

Obsessed with taking his clothes off and running around naked (he is 2) I really don’t like it. It’s unhygienic and I just find it uncomfortable generally.

It’s impossible to talk with him, I’m never sure how much he understands as I get nothing back. Maybe a bit ambitious but I kind of thought we’d have a basic conversation at this age. But he just repeats things endlessly, like he’ll demand a biscuit. I’ll say nicely well I don’t have a biscuit but you can have one at home. He just endlessly repeats biscuit, biscuit, it gets so tiring.

A lot of his behaviour is just so irritating and stupid, things like leaning against me and not taking his weight when getting dressed, biting down on the toothbrush when teeth cleaning so I can’t do it.

I know it’s me not him but I’m constantly having to swallow down this massive annoyance and anger.

OP posts:
Stripeypyjamas · 02/09/2023 21:13

Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:01

@Stripeypyjamas believe me there is not a strategy I have not read up on. Nothing works: he gives no fucks at all. If I get really angry he cries but obviously that’s not really great … wish I could claim it’s never happened but it has. I do try hard not to though.

Ah well then you just need to operate the best strategy of all. Full time nursery and a cup of tea for you.

foxyfoxx · 02/09/2023 21:15

I hear you and I feel the same! Christ these years have been sent to test me. I have to grit my teeth to get through most of it. Seems like boys are the worst. Mine is 4 now and it does get better so have hope!

Skinthin · 02/09/2023 21:15

Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:11

I read how to talk so kids will listen. Either I have a child with serious developmental delays or it’s for children way older than mine, or somewhere in between. There are useful tips but they rely on the child being verbal and able to have a two way conversation.

Yes that book is mostly describing tactics that are useful for much older children. Your son sounds completely normal for two based on what you have described here.

Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:16

I am not here to be told to lower my expectations. They are low. If I ever mention my child on here I generally get told I need boundaries: he does what he wants when he wants because I can’t actually stop him, so I don’t think my high expectations are the problem.

You do understand that 2 year olds have extremely limited interpersonal and communication skills

It is hard to know what is normal actually. For instance the how to talk so … book recommends writing down a plan of action for conflict avoidance. It is recommended for non literate children to draw pictures instead. No way would mine manage this. I don’t actually think he’d understand what we were doing or why, anyway.

I know children my sons age who can sort of have a conversation as in someone says something and they reply in context and it’s reciprocated. So yes I’m not expecting a discussion on politics or anything but maybe something … who are your friends at nursery, would you like beans or peas with your tea, that sort of thing?

OP posts:
StorminanDcup · 02/09/2023 21:16

He’s 2, still too young for full conversations but that isn’t far off. I found the age 2-3 challenging, as you say they are always hanging off you, screeching, running around naked and just generally testing every single boundary. 3 onwards has been very different, yes there are different challenges but because there is more communication on their side they are less frustrated and you can also do way more stuff with them like painting and crafts and it’s actually like doing an activity and not just making a massive mess.

Strategy wise - remember it will pass and these days will be long gone soon, have lots of easy distractions (always take snacks or little toys in your bag when out and about), screen time when you need a break, baths with bath toys to calm him down, find a place you can go and let him run around and tire himself out (nice park, safe beach, local wildlife walk etc).
it will pass OP, I have an extremely e 5 year old currently who is testing my limits with his shitty attitude. I just take a lot of deep breaths and am thankful it’s back to school next week

usernother · 02/09/2023 21:16

That's why they are called the terrible two's. He doesn't know how to do the things you are asking of him. Biting the toothbrush etc is normal. Why do you think him taking his clothes off is unhygienic? Cut him some slack and you'll feel better. This will pass, believe me.

eastiseastwestiswest · 02/09/2023 21:17

Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:11

I read how to talk so kids will listen. Either I have a child with serious developmental delays or it’s for children way older than mine, or somewhere in between. There are useful tips but they rely on the child being verbal and able to have a two way conversation.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but do you have any issues yourself (I'm thinking autism or anxiety)? It's really strange to expect some of the things you're expecting from a 2 year old and I'm a bit disturbed that you think him being naked is "unhygienic" and makes you feel uncomfortable. You seem to think that having read some books about parenting means that they should apply literally in real life but it doesn't work like that.

Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:18

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2023 21:09

Don't worry about it, virtually everyone hates their kids on here.

I don’t hate him. I don’t actually want to be one of those parents who hates their own child. I find myself having an almost visceral reaction to many things he does and I have to swallow down the horrible feelings they evoke in me. I do recognise as I acknowledged in my OP it is me, not him.

OP posts:
StorminanDcup · 02/09/2023 21:19

Based on your last post OP, what do the nursery team say about him? Have you spoken to them about how they enforce boundaries or whether they get much interaction or conversation?
Do they feel he is within the range of “typical” or that there might something more to it than just slower development?

I’ve found nursery staff to be very insightful as to what is typical and what is potentially something to be looked at development wise. They see so many kids, their feedback could be really useful

thehonscupboard · 02/09/2023 21:19

Ah you've read it. Sorry. A PP mentioned reverse psychology. That works for us too sometimes in a comically ridiculous way, I.e. DO NOT get in your buggy now, we're staying indoors today. DC immediately gets into buggy.

Sometimes letting DC think they've won the battle of wills works wonders. Give two choices and indicate through tone that you don't want one of them. They'll always choose that.

LadyMadderLake · 02/09/2023 21:19

Well if he's not potty trained (my DS wasn't at 2, it took him till just 3) then running around naked could result in a mess so I can see that. Again, it's normal for 2 but it's also reasonable to discourage it - it's not acceptable as you get older and kids do have to learn that.

Hufflepods · 02/09/2023 21:20

book recommends writing down a plan of action for conflict avoidance. It is recommended for non literate children to draw pictures instead. No way would mine manage this. I don’t actually think he’d understand what we were doing or why, anyway.

I still disagree that your expectations are low or reasonable for a 2 year old. It should be obvious imo that this tip is not for a 2 year old. I would say my 2 year old has pretty good communication levels but she wouldn’t be able to understand me drawing a picture of having her pjs put on or whatever.

who are your friends at nursery, would you like beans or peas with your tea, that sort of thing?
Not all 2 year olds can answer questions like this, particularly open ended ‘who are your friends’. Just because one doesn’t mean all of them can.

Skinthin · 02/09/2023 21:21

Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:16

I am not here to be told to lower my expectations. They are low. If I ever mention my child on here I generally get told I need boundaries: he does what he wants when he wants because I can’t actually stop him, so I don’t think my high expectations are the problem.

You do understand that 2 year olds have extremely limited interpersonal and communication skills

It is hard to know what is normal actually. For instance the how to talk so … book recommends writing down a plan of action for conflict avoidance. It is recommended for non literate children to draw pictures instead. No way would mine manage this. I don’t actually think he’d understand what we were doing or why, anyway.

I know children my sons age who can sort of have a conversation as in someone says something and they reply in context and it’s reciprocated. So yes I’m not expecting a discussion on politics or anything but maybe something … who are your friends at nursery, would you like beans or peas with your tea, that sort of thing?

book recommends writing down a plan of action for conflict avoidance. It is recommended for non literate children to draw pictures instead. No way would mine manage this

no 2 year old would manage this activity. That book is for activities for children up to 7.

I have a child who’s 4 and one who is 21 months. I know what 2 year olds are like. Your expectations are too high- not in the sense of what boundaries you are trying to enforce necessarily- but in terms of your understanding of child development and what is normal / not normal. How many months is he? There’s obviously a huge difference between 24 months and 35 months. Yes , some two year olds are able to have basic conversations , but it’s also totally normal for children at that age to have v limited language, to mostly repeat things, or to use language in a completely functional way (eg ask for a biscuit on repeat by simply saying “biscuit”) .

VivaVivaa · 02/09/2023 21:21

@Toohottonight by 2 years old, is he closer to 24 months or 36 months? DS1 has always been a very verbal child but no way would the majority of the strategies from How To Talk… would have worked until closer to/over 3. He’s 3.5 now and a lot of it is still too advanced. As the book regularly stresses age appropriate expectations is the most important thing…I’m only really beginning to occasionally see a more cortical, reasoned approach from DS as opposed to literally being driven by emotions or fight/flight.

Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:22

No, you don’t mean it nicely @eastiseastwestiswest but no, I don’t have autism or anxiety but I don’t really like backsides and privates all over furniture or wee and poo on the floor, funnily enough.

No, I don’t think reading some books about parenting mean they should apply literally. But I do know that if I seek advice - here or elsewhere - that advice never, ever works. I mean, it could just be shit advice, but it does mean I don’t really know what to do a lot of the time. It’s quite something when you can’t physically remove your kid from somewhere and so end up having to cancel an appointment because you couldn’t get your child off the park!

He can be delightful but today has been a tough one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:24

He is closer to 3,@VivaVivaa . like I say I’m honestly not expecting in depth discussions but it’s more the complete randomness and no context replies that are a bit frustrating. Husband keeps trying to use bribery (if you do X you can have a chocolate) and then he just endlessly says chocolate, chocolate and has a tantrum if he doesn’t get it.

And the NHS recommend sticker charts - he’d never get it!

OP posts:
Skinthin · 02/09/2023 21:25

Hufflepods · 02/09/2023 21:20

book recommends writing down a plan of action for conflict avoidance. It is recommended for non literate children to draw pictures instead. No way would mine manage this. I don’t actually think he’d understand what we were doing or why, anyway.

I still disagree that your expectations are low or reasonable for a 2 year old. It should be obvious imo that this tip is not for a 2 year old. I would say my 2 year old has pretty good communication levels but she wouldn’t be able to understand me drawing a picture of having her pjs put on or whatever.

who are your friends at nursery, would you like beans or peas with your tea, that sort of thing?
Not all 2 year olds can answer questions like this, particularly open ended ‘who are your friends’. Just because one doesn’t mean all of them can.

exactly.

Not all 2 year olds can answer questions like this, particularly open ended ‘who are your friends’

my four year old was considered by nursery to be advanced in terms of language/ communication. She couldn’t answer questions like this at two. My 21 month- soon to be 22 month old is a very early talker. She speaks full sentences but can’t answer these types of questions.

MeAgainPeeps · 02/09/2023 21:25

Have you spoken to your HV. I called spoke about some challenging behaviour with DC. They sent someone from the nursery nurse team to visit. She watched our interactive and accessed DC. She gave me some really helpful strategies to use. I think some ages are more challenging than others. I loved the baby phase. I found the early toddler phase very challenging.

Britneyfan · 02/09/2023 21:26

He’s 2, I think his behaviour sounds normal for this age, and you need to readjust your expectations of what he’s going to be capable of. You’re not doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean he is a horrible person. This is just a 2 year old being a 2 year old.

Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:26

Anyway, the thread has (of course) turned into a criticism of me and my expectations even though my expectations are zero! When really I was sitting feeling rather horrible and just wanted to gauge where I was with regards to normal. I do think I have some lingering PND from early days and at what point that stops being PND and becomes just normal D I don’t know!

OP posts:
LadyMadderLake · 02/09/2023 21:27

Why can't you remove him? It's OK to pick up a 2yo and remove them if they are spoiling things for others, having a screaming paddy etc. I used to do it all the time. Pick them up, carry them home, let them scream until they get tired and want a snack. Is he a bit of an escape artist? - some are I know.

Luckyduc · 02/09/2023 21:27

Sounds like every 2 year old on the planet.

Original poster
Toohottonight · 02/09/2023 21:29

No -
of course he isn’t horrible. Haven’t I said twice now the issue is me

I don’t see the point of involving Hv, it will just be the usual crap that does not work.

@Skinthin maybe. All I know is that it is very difficult. Mostly I am ignored or just talked (without wanting to sound harsh) nonsense at, an endless repeat of phrases out of context. I also know the other two year olds I know can and do talk about their friends and days at nursery. There’s a big variation and I’m not worried about it but the point is that the behaviour strategies usually recommended don’t work because we can’t communicate with one another.

OP posts:
Britneyfan · 02/09/2023 21:29

Not criticising OP just pointing out that you’re clearly going to be super frustrated if you’re expecting a 2 year old to behave like a 9 year old and what you’re experiencing with regards to his behaviour is totally normal.