To dislike my own child?

[Toohottonight]

Horrible, horrible thing to say and the issue lies with me not him.

But … so much of his behaviour really triggers me and brings out the worst in me.

Tell him not to do something and he finds it hilarious, absolutely roars with laughter and does it again and again and again …

Obsessed with taking his clothes off and running around naked (he is 2) I really don’t like it. It’s unhygienic and I just find it uncomfortable generally.

It’s impossible to talk with him, I’m never sure how much he understands as I get nothing back. Maybe a bit ambitious but I kind of thought we’d have a basic conversation at this age. But he just repeats things endlessly, like he’ll demand a biscuit. I’ll say nicely well I don’t have a biscuit but you can have one at home. He just endlessly repeats biscuit, biscuit, it gets so tiring.

A lot of his behaviour is just so irritating and stupid, things like leaning against me and not taking his weight when getting dressed, biting down on the toothbrush when teeth cleaning so I can’t do it.

I know it’s me not him but I’m constantly having to swallow down this massive annoyance and anger.

I read somewhere that this tactic doesn't work with two year olds / toddlers. They just hear and cling on to the last word...so that's why he gets stuck on chocolate

OP I don't have any advice but I can empathise with you. When I met my ex he had a two year old and it's basically what made me realise I didn't want my own kids as I found it very difficult to cope with and would regularly cry when they went back home just from exhaustion and frustration. I'm also ND so I found the noise and constantly being touched a lot to deal with. Like you say few people get to borrow kids before they have them, I was 'lucky' I guess in that respect?

I really feel like you need a physical break to bring your nervous system back down a bit. Maybe a night in a hotel alone if you can afford it?

always remember when disciplining children never do so when angry, you will rant you will put unrealistic punishments and could lose your temper, it’s ok to take a moment in the bathroom or you room breath and calm down, it is good to do this as long as all doors locked, windows locked. And electrics turned off at plug. Do not leave the house but go to the bathroom compose yourself and then be ready to deal with the 2 year old learning that they now have expectations on their behaviour. Keep calm and neutral, less words are best simple explanation of what they did wrong not big epic amounts of words short and sweet, give a warning that if child does this again you will take x away or you won’t do x. If he dose again follow through. Remember age don’t be too harsh or too big a punishment. It is ok to take time to calm first will make ur life easier and this stage easier. Distraction is always best way to control bad behaviour at this age by directing to a different activity to make them forget what they was being naughty about.

@Toohottonight Please don’t be hard on yourself. Forgive yourself! And no YANBU - it’s totally okay to not ‘like’ your child when they are going through a challenging phase! You clearly try really hard and do all you can to try and find ways of handling his tricky behaviour - and at some point things will hopefully get easier - but for the mean time I think you have to give yourself a break. The high expectations sit with what you expect from yourself and combined with PND this can be a vicious cycle. Your almost physical reaction to his behaviour could also be hormone related too and also linked to depression (PND), so it might be helpful to seek out some support, or at least a good friend you can have a moan too that won’t judge you harshly! Little kids are hard work and we all need help and support sometimes. I hope the responses from everyone on here don’t make you feel worse. It’s a real game changer when they suddenly can talk fluently and communicate their thoughts and feelings, so hold on in there!

Just to say I've been having similar struggles and thoughts about my very demanding 6yo recently.I love her to bits but her behaviour drains and annoys me indescribably at times, especially feeling it as we have had 6wks of intense contact and it feels like every instruction is questioned or challenged.We have had some fun times and lots of loving times of connection between us too, but also too much shouting, aggression and criticism from me towards her 😞
Juggling parenting and work is hard too.
You are reflecting on things, wanting to change and accepting some responsibility too so that's all really positive.I would say definitely pick your battles and try not to sweat the small stuff (hard as it is!!) Kids feed off us so much, and I find that so difficult as I'm naturally quite a stressy person 🙈

I maybe should have added this to my other posts, I have 3 children. 1 atypical (oldest DD11) 2 children with autism, one of which is non verbal, (DS9) (DS5) DS5 is severely autistic and goes to a alternative pathway school. The reason I said about making sure he understands facial expressions, especially with all boys they are emotionally behind girls, and sometimes take a little longer to calm. If he laughs when you are visibly upset with him.

A good and cheep too I have is getting paper plates with facial expressions on them, happy sad upset ext. and go through the facial expressions with him. And show him the faces and get him to practice as well, and talk about emotions as you do this. It is good for every child to explain how they feel and also to pick up on how someone else is feeling. Like when you are upset when he laughs when you are upset with something he has done wrong. It opens up a basic conversation about feelings respecting their feelings and your feelings and others around us.

I have had to do this in depth with my 2 DS, I am not in anyway saying your child has autism, I did the feelings plates at around 2 years old with DD as well it’s good for every child’s emotional development and helps them understand when you are happy or sad or when you are angry. All emotions are important. Even yours.

you got this, just take a break when you can. Breathe, calm self down and work on thsi with him too, it will be beneficial in the long run for your relationship and the growth of your son emotionally. It’s going to be ok, you do have this.

Oh OP… 😔 Mumsnet gonna mumsnet, unfortunately.

Whole thread turned into a criticism of you rather than helping you deal with the actual situation, pretty standard for these parts.

I recently decided to start sticking up to some of this lot, but it’s about 99.999% of them. You can’t win. There’s a thread on Tattle about them which is quite entertaining.

Anyway, I’d strongly recommend taking this offline and finding someone IRL to offer advice. HV may be the same old thing that doesn’t work but may be worth a go. Any friends or family who have been in the same situation and might be able to advise on some coping tactics?
And in the mean time, please focus on yourself. Any moments you can grab for self care and looking after yourself, please do.

Has to be worth a go, and I feel for you. 💐

No. I wasn’t seeking to shame. That initial post was a genuine reaction to something specific OP said- I was baffled by her statement that she felt there was “poor communication on both sides”, when talking about interactions with her two yr old.

Ive written several posts on this thread where I’ve tried to provide “moral support” and “reassurance”. I empathise with what OP is going through, and i understand how hard parenting small children can be. I have plenty of experience of finding things challenging and triggering myself.

I do also think there are some fairly significant issues/ challenges here with perspective/ expectations (as many other pp have also suggested), but OP has made it clear she doesn’t find that input helpful.

The vast majority of posters on this thread have tried to be sincere and helpful- people have offered their advice, experiences and perspectives. Very few people have been rude or gratuitously harsh. many people have been direct but this is AIBU, I think it’s ok to be authentic and honest. Perhaps it would have been more advised for OP to post in parenting or mental health.

To be honest, I do feel a lot better today after some rest. I really wish some posters could understand that fleeting feelings don’t translate to actions. I was sitting last night after a very difficult day feeling things I didn’t like and I did a sort of online catholic confession.

I think the conclusion drawn is I have a perfectly normal child who also has autism and I am autistic myself

I also wish posters would accept it when you say hey you know what, that’s not helpful.

I'm glad you feel better OP.

Some of us do actually have kids with autism though!

Glad you feel better OP.

I think to be fair it is AIBU, and you sometimes need a thick skin for this topic. I don’t know why it’s seen as more of a free-for-all, and I’m naturally thick-skinned so I’ve never minded posters criticising me or getting the wrong end of the stick, but I have seen others upset or annoyed by it before. Posting in the relevant topic section eg parenting, and making clear in your thread title that you’re shattered and just want support, usually results in lots of support and understanding. I don’t think all or most MNers are harsh or mean at all, but AIBU can get a bit argumentative. But if you review the thread, a lot of people have taken the time to sympathise and offer tips and suggestions that we know from experience can help, and even if you didn’t want advice, they might be worth considering.

I think those who have suggested long-term PND may have a point and talking to the HV or GP could really help. That’s not a judgement, I’ve been there myself.

www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

I’m glad you feel better after some rest. Sometimes it does get overwhelming, and it’s hard to think clearly in those moments. And frankly, yes, sometimes our much loved children can be little shitbags and that inevitably grinds us down.

Something that helped me was “behaviour is communication”. When he isn’t answering or laughs at you etc, what is he trying to express? That he doesn’t understand? That he needs a reaction from you and that’s the simplest way of o get one? That he’s got lots of pent up energy and hasn’t got an appropriate outlet?

When toddlers don’t have enough language to express what they want, they can go through a very difficult phase because they’re so frustrated. One of mine had me tearing my hair out.

I really feel for you, and I hope you get a few hour away from your little boy to recharge your batteries.

Of course you do @Phineyj but you know as well as I do no one can or indeed should diagnose on the basis of a late night rant if an exhausted parent. If DS has additional needs then he does and deal with it accordingly.

I think the laughing is downright naughtiness! But kids are, sometimes, and I know this but when I’m tired or ill or feeling low it feels personal.

He's 2! My son was a whiner from about age 2-5 he just whined constantly. He's 11 now and the best company ever, they do grow out of annoying behaviour.

Can you find a toddler sign class - a way of developing your communication between you? These are usually group classes so might be nice to see how other parent/toddlers are communicating also?

Also, how do you play with him? That can be a nice way of building your communication - my ds used to love little figures - he took a while to speak also so things like that helped imo.

My sympathy OP, my first one has ASD and he was a very challenging toddler and still is. He had great vetbal skills and understanding though but just really testing at every other level... Also it didn't help that I am an only child academic professional who really values tidy, unchaotic life. It is totally fine to admit that you sometimes don't like your kid nor being a parent. It is just honesty IMO... I often admit that I am not cut out to be a parent with additional needs but next day still get up and try my best. Take care of yourself xx

Glad you are feeling better today OP.

This did make me laugh (with you not at you!):

I think the conclusion drawn is I have a perfectly normal child who also has autism and I am autistic myself

x

He's only 2. Plenty of time to grow a bond.

I think the conclusion drawn is I have a perfectly normal child who also has autism and I am autistic myself

I know this seems totally illogical but it does kind of make sense.

A lot of what you are describing is normal, particularly if it is happening some of time.

So if you are struggling with a normal range of behaviors perhaps this is because you have a neurodiversity which makes it particularly challenging for you. Or perhaps your experience of being parented is impacting your parenting.

Another option is that your dc is displaying what might be typical behaviors for dc of this age some of the time but much more frequently and at much greater intensity. So perhaps he has a neurodivergence or other developmental issue.

It is impossible to judge over the internet which of the three above options is most likely but all three are possible so it isn't surprising that people are suggesting them.

I'm glad things seem better today.

I think you need to STOP reading parenting advice books and start to bond and find things you child enjoys doing so you can bond over it. You need to realise parenting doesn’t go by the book 🤦‍♀️ I think you are the issue to be honest and not your child

Have you tried singing songs with him/together?

Also just do things together and talk about them - play cars together and talk about what they are doing; sort the washing together and talk about the colours of the socks? ("Can you find the other red sock?")