To dislike my own child?

[Toohottonight]

Horrible, horrible thing to say and the issue lies with me not him.

But … so much of his behaviour really triggers me and brings out the worst in me.

Tell him not to do something and he finds it hilarious, absolutely roars with laughter and does it again and again and again …

Obsessed with taking his clothes off and running around naked (he is 2) I really don’t like it. It’s unhygienic and I just find it uncomfortable generally.

It’s impossible to talk with him, I’m never sure how much he understands as I get nothing back. Maybe a bit ambitious but I kind of thought we’d have a basic conversation at this age. But he just repeats things endlessly, like he’ll demand a biscuit. I’ll say nicely well I don’t have a biscuit but you can have one at home. He just endlessly repeats biscuit, biscuit, it gets so tiring.

A lot of his behaviour is just so irritating and stupid, things like leaning against me and not taking his weight when getting dressed, biting down on the toothbrush when teeth cleaning so I can’t do it.

I know it’s me not him but I’m constantly having to swallow down this massive annoyance and anger.

I find Dr Emma Svanberg and Dr Martha Psychologist both brilliant at explaining small children's behaviours and needs and how to cope with responding as a parent, too.

Understanding a toddler's way of thinking and development can really help with perspective. All toddlers I've known bite their toothbrushes and I remember doing it myself as a child and how good it felt! I'm sure there's a reason for it.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is useful for making sense of what's triggering you and why. Some if this probably stems from how you were parented.

I notice it with my own DC, that some things trigger me disproportionately and I've realised after reading that book that it's because of something related to my own childhood. Like I find it really frustrating when DD1 can't grasp something physical, but when I dissect why it annoys me so much it's because i wasn't very good at physical stuff as a child and my dad got frustrated at me sometimes, so it's a me issue, not her. Just recognising why it's triggering me can help me take a step back for a moment.

I feel for you OP. I too have a massively, massively strong toddler - no one (except my partner and mother) believes me when I try to explain to anyone. I think from reading your first post that you simply need some good old TLC, someone around you more to help, a friend perhaps, and some regular breaks from the relentless of it all. Are you able to take some time out for a massage for example or go out and to do something nice you like that actually feeds YOU? I really feel for you!

But it is so far from normal to experience a “rage filled reaction” regularly over a completely normal 2 year old behaviour like biting the toothbrush!
I have to ask my 2 year old to open her mouth, say ahhhh and stop biting the toothbrush about 45 times during each brushing morning and night. They don’t have the ability to think “oh i was asked not to bite it yesterday morning so I better not do it again”. Their attention span can be 2 seconds long at times.
You need to practice having some perspective and patience and your interactions with your son will become so much more positive.

Hi OP, I’m not here to criticise and I understand what you’ve saying on the communication.

I remember my friends 2.7 year old having a conversation with her mum and I was gobsmacked because my own two year old couldn’t answer a question.

My 2 year old turned out to be autistic. She is 6 now.

i think considering whether there are any additional needs in your child might be a good idea. The biting the toothbrush, the leaning on you / not putting weight down thing - my two kids so these type behaviours. The apparent nonsense communication could be echolalia.

And what you are feeling is valid and honestly I think so many parents have felt the same.

A lot of 2yos are doers, rather than talkers. Rather than stressing out about communication, I'd just focus on doing things he enjoys with him. So swimming, soft play, building block towers, wrestling, sword fighting with wooden tubes, playing in the garden or sandpit, that sort of thing. Parallel play is your friend here. Pretend that you are another child, sit down next to him and start playing, and he'll be curious and join in with you.

As far as I understand it, we spend the first 3 years or so of our children's lives talking at them and, at some point (different for each child) they slowly begin to be able to reciprocate and have conversations with us. But it takes a while and I do think your expectations are maybe a little high, at least for your child. Children develop different skills at different paces, and it may be that his verbal development is lagging somewhat behind his physical development, because that is what he is in to.

@Phineyj sometimes I do see the funny side but other times I feel like the whole day is made up of conflict. Even when you try to do something nice for/with him it becomes challenging when you have to leave or when he tries to go somewhere that isn’t allowed or something.

It may not translate well here but I am patient most of the time and kind and comfort him when he’s upset and ensures his needs are met, but I get so little back at the moment that it does become a bit depressing. Of course he’s two and doesn’t get monetary or sentimental value but it is upsetting when my things are destroyed and my food is taken away from me and the house turns into complete carnage.

I read how to talk so kids will listen

This is the book I was talking about, you said you had read it.

I was asking if you had read the the specific version for younger children. How to talk so little kids will listen.

Reading books about communication and development doesn't just help solve the problems they are also important to help you as a parent understand what is happening and why.

That matters because the more you understand the easier you are likely to find the emotional challenges you experience even if you can't change the behavior of your child.

I have teenagers and am right back in that mindset. I can understand their behavior even if I don't like it and work on my responses to it.

Reverse psychology is your friend. Anything you want him to do just suggest the opposite..game changer!! Worked with my son 21 years ago and now working magic with 3 year old granddaughter! Talking and reasoning really doesn’t work at this age ..it really doesn’t!

Has he had his developmental review yet?

When my son was 2 i had a newborn baby as well. So i often got very cross with my 2 year old. Later when I looked back at photos i saw that he was just a baby himself.

I now look at 4 year olds starting reception and see them as babies really.

I honestly wouldnt expect much control of a 2 year old. And i agree that it does seem unusual to mind a toddler being naked or laughing

However i totally understand as I founf my own 2 year old v stressful to parent at the time

Just try to see him as a baby ...you will look back one day and see that he is.

Sorry op parenting is a load of shit sometimes. I have much older children and still often cry at how hard it is

What I am trying to explain, badly clearly, is that communicating is an issue

I do get that OP, and it is so so hard. But honestly , effective communication with a two year old is rare to say the least (granted some rare tots are very precocious). As pp’s have pointed out they are barely more than babies at two. It’s totally normal for two year olds not to listen, not to understand boundaries or expectations or limits, to laugh or scream or throw tantrums, often seemingly at random, etc. behavioural strategies you read in books rarely work with two year olds.

Get his hearing checked - a regular check and for glue ear. Also ask for a speech assessment. See how his speech is and if there are any issues.
Reins - they are marvelous. Some people hate them. But they keep your child safe and they can’t run away from you.
little boys need exercising like dogs. Swimming can be a good option to tire them out.
2 is a really difficult age. It can suck badly.
Short clear instructions, limited choices and explanations. 2 year olds are not logical. They are really still babies.
Distractions and races - like getting dressed

Time for you - not at work. Something just for you. A walk, reading a book in a cafe. Even just 1-2 a week. It’s important. Two year olds are her work and relentless.

He`s 2 thats how most 2 year olds act i had 2 boys 17 months apart .
Its hard work but it will get better mine are now adults and got their own lifes but i wont forget them years in a hurry.

It is probably easiest if I just ignore the deliberately provocative posts that seem to think endlessly chanting that my expectations are too high is helpful. But I’ll try to explain. If I posted on here with just the info in the OP, what happens and what is happening is people pile in with advice. Read this, listen to this podcast, follow this person on instagram.

It doesn’t fucking work because he doesn’t understand! It isn’t that I have high expectations of him, it’s to try to not have the thread turn into advice about sticker charts and what not

He has many good points. Today however has been a challenge.

If other people have no problem with their floor being weed on and pooed on then fair enough. I am afraid I really don’t like it.

@Toohottonight you describe 2 different angles to the "issue": you seem to feel some concern that your DC is not developmentally on track. If he's at nursery I would recommend asking for a meeting with his key worker and talk though what he is like t nursery and what kind of communication you can expect at home.

The other issue is your response to him. Again nursery can help you with strategies and perspective. But I think probably some kind of counselling where you can decompress and be frustrated away from home sounds like it would help.

Maybe try drawing boundaries with your own self and what you will allow him to do to you. You do not have to allow your things to be destroyed or your food taken. If you are feeling touched out, don’t wait to get ragey when he leans on you. Try and catch it early, gently move him off you and say “stand up darling” or similar. Protect yourself, you don’t have to allow yourself to be steam rollered. Catch it before it turns into rage.

I think a developmental review would be sensible to check that there aren't any issues that require support.

Also agree with reflection on why certain things are triggering for you, where that comes from and how you work through it and get back to being regulated yourself.

I think there have been some harsh comments on here. If by closer to 3 you mean above 2 years 9 months ish, then I would say that the verbal side warrants keeping an eye on. I’d expect a child that age to be able to answer yes/no to ‘do you want beans for tea’ and to be able to string more than one word together, neither of which from your description it sounds like your DC is doing? It may be (/is very likely to be) entirely normal but in the context of other behaviours it may indicate something else.

Having said all that, i’m afraid at age 2, my NT DC loved being naked, will laugh when reprimanded and could be really destructive if not exercised like a dog. It can all come with the territory of being a toddler I’m afraid.

Totally normal. And totally normal to very much dislike them at times when they're two. Mad little dictators with no sense whatsoever. Then so stinking cute at other times. Then by 4 somehow you've fallen madly in love with them

I think you should talk to your health visitor about how you are feeling.

2yo's can be irritating, but it isn't common to have a rage filled reaction to pretty standard behaviour.

In the short term, I found getting my dc to do a vigorous dinosaur roar was helpful to keep their mouths open when brushing. Can you move items you don't want damaged to a seperate area or a box he can't open? Are there any demands you can reduce to reduce conflict? Things are clearly difficult, so just go with whatever will cause the least stress (excepting health and safety issues) right now.

Tbh he sounds exactly like my autistic son at that age.

He's just an average 2 year old, and will grow out of all of this within a few months. I can remember being irrationally annoyed when my dd wouldn't let me brush her teeth at that age - she'd run around the house, get under the bed, round the back of the sofa etc. It made me so annoyed that once or twice, after having spent half an hour chasing her, I had to leave the room for a few seconds.

Looking back it seems silly but I can tell you that all your son's little annoying behaviours will pass.

You don't have to justify yourself, OP. Bad parents wouldn't be posting on here trying to get tips...

It did come as quite a surprise to me that such a huge proportion of parenting was trying to make my child do things she didn't want to do.

Children aren't all the same though. There are some significant differences between my child and her peers. I've stopped beating myself up about it. Meh, some of us get tricky ones.

I think also that children "do" different ages well and less so. DD is a massive sensory seeker and loved being 3. My niece hated being a child with a passion but is a sweet and pretty easy going teenager.

He’s 2 :( he’s just a baby. I’m sorry but you’ve got to be the grown up here and figure out a way of working on yourself so you can cope better. It’s hard I know but he’s a little baby that needs your love