To dislike my own child?

[Toohottonight]

Horrible, horrible thing to say and the issue lies with me not him.

But … so much of his behaviour really triggers me and brings out the worst in me.

Tell him not to do something and he finds it hilarious, absolutely roars with laughter and does it again and again and again …

Obsessed with taking his clothes off and running around naked (he is 2) I really don’t like it. It’s unhygienic and I just find it uncomfortable generally.

It’s impossible to talk with him, I’m never sure how much he understands as I get nothing back. Maybe a bit ambitious but I kind of thought we’d have a basic conversation at this age. But he just repeats things endlessly, like he’ll demand a biscuit. I’ll say nicely well I don’t have a biscuit but you can have one at home. He just endlessly repeats biscuit, biscuit, it gets so tiring.

A lot of his behaviour is just so irritating and stupid, things like leaning against me and not taking his weight when getting dressed, biting down on the toothbrush when teeth cleaning so I can’t do it.

I know it’s me not him but I’m constantly having to swallow down this massive annoyance and anger.

Toddlers can be very messy and chaotic.
A bundle of contradictions and strong emotions.

Is your book " how to talk so little kids will listen"

Honestly it isn't called terrible twos for nothing. As he gets more verbal it will get easier.

2 yr olds can barely mark make. They talk nonsense. If you need to go somewhere pick him up, you can't miss appointments. If he cries that's OK, he's 2. Just keep putting pants on him, pick him up. He's 2. A baby basically. Say we always wear pants.

why can’t you remove him

Because I can’t, simple as. He is extremely strong - nursery have also commented on this. The only way I can physically remove him is if I hurt him. I did this once a few weeks ago, not on purpose but still, I don’t want to do this again.

He's a mobile baby.
Your expectations are way off, no wonder you are frustrated.
Read up on child development. He is not ready for reasoning and conversing.

Are you ok, op? If your own mh is not in a good place it can effect how you are connecting with your dc.

I might be helpful to think about how different his brain is to an adult brain. He isn't acting in a way to frustrate you, he just hasn't developed his cognitive functions enough to do anything else yet. You have to be realistic about his behaviour.

He sounds like an entirely normal 2yo, but that maybe you are finding things like the nudity and noises difficult because of what's going on for you?

What book? I don’t have ‘a book.’ I have read a few books and I have googled and I have on occasion sought advice here. I’m not at the moment posting looking for advice, at any rate not about his behaviour. Because I am the problem!

I really really hated this age. It’s not called the terrible twos for nothing. My oldest son is (just) four now and absolutely delightful. Things started to improve shortly after 3 and got a whole lot easier after 3.5.

My son also wasn’t particularly talkative at that age compared to other children. It does get so much better when they can communicate properly and you can reason with them.

Well you will have to get stronger then. You can't say you can't remove a 2 3 4 or even 5 year old if necessary. They cannot always keep themselves safe, eg near roads or animals.

But your expectations are now zero! Your perception of age appropriate development and understanding seems way off. No one is criticising you, people are simply pointing out that you are setting yourself and your relationship with your son up for failure by your outlook. So so many of the things that annoy you immensely are just normal toddler behaviour.
Your negative reaction to things like biting a toothbrush or repeating “biscuit” just seem way over the top for a 2 year old.

Some of it sounds normal but it sounds like you do have worried about his development? How old is your child exactly? Have you read the developmental review questionnaire? Does he score well? Has he had his review?

I have a 2y4 months and have a 4 year year old.

I do wish everyone would stop telling me to lower my expectations, I have no expectations. I fully expect to be ignored,
laughed at, everything I own to be destroyed and every outing to be horrible.

I wonder if it might be helpful to try and shift the narrative you have of his behaviour? He isn't leaning against you or biting down on the toothbrush to be "irritating and stupid" and it isn't helpful to talk about it in that way. He's trying to connect with you, meet sensory needs perhaps. He's repeating a word he knows to communicate his needs, because he doesn't understand the complex social interplay behind using social pleasantries.

I wouldn't say this is normal. I have two little boys and none of this is normal to me.

Sticker charts wouldn't have worked with my DS when he was that age, it wasn't until he was older. But quick reinforcement, a hi five, can do wonders.

I understand the visceral reaction, for me it's worse around ovulation so I do wonder if it's a hormonal way of nature saying don't make another one!

I'd suggest reading Parenting from the Inside Out as it sounds like you're being triggered by forgotten behaviours in your own childhood.

The book helps the reader to work out where their own past is creating feelings and behaviours around parenting.

An example in my case is that I get really angsty and grumpy around bedtimes then procrastinate and end up doing bedtimes late, but once I realised the reason why is that when I was a child we were often hit and shouted at at bedtime, so I was associating bedtime with fear and pain, it helped me separate my feelings from the present situation.

though my expectations are zero

your expectations clearly aren’t zero though. You’ve made it clear that you expect him to be able to engage in conversation (beyond just repeating things or demands) , to understand negotiations )eg over chocolate , to answer open ended questions (eg about their day), to engage in activities that are clearly not age appropriate and would be better suited to a six year old .. The reality is he’s two and it’s totally developmentally normal that he is not capable of these things. He will get there.

I don’t think people are intending to criticise but rather to give you some perspective as it sounds like yours is quite out of whack,. It’s also very normal for two year olds to run around naked , to have zero respect for boundaries and to throw constant tantrums.

It does sound like you might have some lingering PND , OP. Looking after a two year old is HARD. It will get better xx

I did mean it nicely. It sounds like you're finding it hard but I'm also a mother of a 2 year old and I really find some of your posts baffling.

My toddlers are naked in the house a lot (again totally normal) and I never think about bums on the furniture and hygiene implications. It sounds a bit OCD to think that way.

You can't communicate with toddler sin the way you would communicate with adults. They simply don't have the capability for it.

Have you looked at gentle parenting Instagram accounts? They can be helpful. A lot of parenting toddlers is about managing your own emotions and behaviour and not theirs. It can be the hardest thing to do of course but it's often the most useful advice.

All the things you have described are entirely normal and developmentally appropriate if that's what your question was.

You need to step back a bit. It’s not normal to have this outlook.
You are clearly stuck in a hole where you hate everything about parenting and your child.
Do you have a partner? Can you book some annual leave to have a few days to yourself?
You don’t sound like you’re in a good place and it sounds like your son can’t win.

2 year olds are difficult, I have one and she's bloody hard work. I wouldn't say I dislike her though, that sounds like it may be something a bit more deep routed which you could possibly explore? Perhaps you need a little break every so often, even if jsut for a few hours. Also, as a working mum of 2 toddlers, I found that I used to let work frustration and pressures interest with my mothering! Sounds harsh but that was it for me, until I realised actually I'm a mother first and rather than expecting my kids to make things easy for me, I have to accept that they are babies and need me to bend for them in some ways..

It isn’t that I have a negative reaction to him repeating biscuit. The toothbrush thing is annoying because he laughs at me, which I do find triggers one of those horrible rage filled reactions. What I am trying to explain, badly clearly, is that communicating is an issue.

If you're worried about his speech OP, get him checked out. I had a speech delayed DC and he had glue ear. He needed grommets and speech therapy to enable him to make up the ground he'd lost in early communication skills. Your HV should be able to assess him to make sure he's meeting his targets. Did you have a 2-year developmental check? My kids are older now so I don't know what is standard these days, but that used to be the norm and would pick up any delays.

Hi OP. My sympathies. Sounds tough.

I don't think this is totally average for a nearly 3 year old although my neighbour's son was like this.

I also found the How to Talk strategies (plus quite a few others) utterly utterly useless.

My DD turned out to be on the autistic spectrum. Turns out there are strategies that work but I was looking in the wrong places.

You sound very alone with it all. Could you try Home Start? You might just get someone lovely and I think if you could see the funny side of some of the behaviours it might help.

I think it helps to remember that all behaviour is part of his development and gaining an understanding of the world and himself. So if he is taking his clothes off himself, that is actually quite impressive at that age and he is practising it and feeling liberated by being able to use this new skill. Likewise, he learns consequences by doing e.g. what happens if I bite the toothbrush? Then repeats over and over to cement his understanding.

It's all very normal. Try to see things from his pov. communication will be minimal at 2

Yep.

I mean, he's 2. This is what 2yo kids are like. You may hate parenting but you're gonna have to make the best of it now. 🤷‍♀️

You're not describing a communication issue. You're describing an issue with the way you are interpreting his behaviour and reacting to it.